Reading the Beer Leaves: Playoffs Week Deuce

First things first. The squad of mouth breathers is counting out the Bears (completely) and Pats. However, The ESPN Accuscore is predicting Bears and Pats victories. So this is truly a man vs. machine matchup – like a famous chess player pitted against a computer, but without all the Russians. Think of a group of open mouth neaderthals fondling their genitals in some sort of primitive competition. Now put them in suits and in Bristol, CT and you have the current state of NFL experts.

CHICAGO over New Orleans -This is the upset pick. New Orleans will be upset, pundits will be upset, and people with American flags on their cars will be upset. The loss will probably result in Governor Blanco declaring a state of emergency and requesting Federal dollars to keep Joe Horn in the locker room. But a Saints win would be dangerous for New Orleans, as people would flow out into the streets, riot and probably smash the levees all over again. Truthfully though, the weather will affect the Saints in a way different than most think. That ball is going to be harder and more solid than my left nut (the titanium one). Chicago kicker Robbie Gould can send frozen hard balls through the uprights over 50 yards, but I doubt the Saints’ kicker can do much more than lightly cup them in the subway while being choked. This game will come down to the kickers. And in the end, Bears fans will be yelling the same thing I yell while making sex on a girl: RAAAWWR!

New England at INDIANAPOLIS - While Tom Brady gets some Gisele love, Peyton Manning gets blown by John Clayton:

The sentimentalists in sports would appreciate the feel-good story of Manning's finally getting his chance to go to the Super Bowl. Seeing Tony Dungy, who had a Super Bowl opportunity taken away from him in Tampa Bay, go to the Super Bowl also might bring a tear to the eye.

The only thing this scenario would bring to my eye is a RonCo knife.

I will cut you.

Yes, the Pats have been stymied by the Colts over the past few games. And yes, I had to look up what “stymied” means. And no, it doesn’t mean “enclosed in some sort of dirty place,” though it probably should. Good talk. But Tom Brady is 10-0 in Domes and the Pats have never lost an AFC Championship game ever. The Colts are playing like they are supposed to win, nay, that they deserve to win. The Pats play like they want 10 more fucking yards.

LEFTOVERS over Low Heat – whatever is in my fridge goes into the slow cooker at 9am. Whatever comes out at 12:30 is called lunch.

Hang over SUNDAY - Considering Saturday is a planned all night bender, this does not bode well for Sunday slow cooking. It’ll probably be a bunch of Gatorade, bread, and vitamins simmering on low heat, while a glass full of meats and sauces sits on the floor of my bedside where I vomited. Good times.