Friday, December 22, 2006

FUFL Championship

At first glance, it’s hard to see how The Pile On Guys can lose the championship. But then you remember that Up and Atom gets huge numbers every week from the most unlikely of places. For example, the Minnesota defense. But looking at the POG’s team, it just won’t work. Up and Atom has every intangible – from Vince Young to Harrison at Houston to Travis Henry in a revenge game.

Note: Henry could have three broken legs and he will still put up big numbers against the team that cast him off. This always happens. Once I snubbed a drifter looking for a hot meal and some shelter from the rain. He slunk back into the cold darkness after I threw a milkshake on him, but later, he totally came back for revenge. Or his pants. I can’t remember. Either way, I think my point is clear.

The Pile On Guys say it’s all about matchups (at least his matchup analyzer says it’s important. Not that the company is biased of course). So I’m using my own holiday matchup analyzer; one that knows the future – 2007’s Creepy Baby New Year in a Top Hat. To get these answers I used a tried and true technique: I picked up the Baby, asked it a question and then shook it until it provided me with an answer.

QB Leinert vs. Young
Baby New Year poops once, it rolls across the table, jumps over the butter dish and stiff arms the salt shaker. Vince Young it is.

WR1 Holt vs. Harrison
Baby New Year says “The redskins secondary has figured itself out, and the Texans still look like the strained carrots I puked on my cousin. Harrison. Now powder my ass.”

WR2 Driver vs. Coles
Baby New year says “Here’s an Olsen Twin matchup – neither is particularly attractive, they both get a lot of looks, and Driver hasn’t eaten in a month. Slight edge to Coles. Oh yeah, and give me a boob to suck on.”

RB1 Gore vs. Westbrook
Baby New Year says “If I’m reading my diaper rash correctly, then I have to give it to Gore. Frisco is actually playing for its division, and the Eagles are on a roll, but Gore – like myself - has been carrying a load for a long time.”

RB2 Bush vs Johnson
Baby New Year says “I’ll be honest, I’ve had my experiences with both a Bush and a Johnson, but I’m more intimately familiar with the former. And I know the bush isn't in it every time, but a Johnson is. Rudi.

TE Cooley vs. Shockey
Baby New Year says “I once ate a bunch of carpet trimmings and cat hair and when I crapped it out it had all this fuzzy stuff on it and it just sat there stinking up the place. Yet I had to admit, it did it’s job well. Shockey."

WR/RB Dayne vs. Henry
Baby New Year says, “I just made a sharper cut than Dayne could right here in my diaper. And it’s one of those hot ones that burn. Seriously. If I wasn’t hung like a 9 month old I’d cry. But I’m too proud. Henry.”

Kicker Gould vs. Kaeding
Baby New Year says: “Take it from me, I was a kicker. And these guys are nothing compared to me. With names like Robbie and Nate they sound like they still are in the 3rd grade. Even."

DEF Balt vs. Minnesota
already exceeded expectations by not just rolling over in a pool of their own drool. But Balt isn’t putting up 20+ pts against these new Steelers. Plus Willie Parker runs like my dad: Fast and away from me. Minnesota, bitches."

As you can see, Up and Atom has a huge advantage this holiday weekend. Based on the above, it's a scientific fact. But every time I pick against the Pile on Guys, they seem to pull it out. And leave it out. And then it gets very very quiet in the church.

But this title will belong to Up and Atom, who gives hope to certain last place teams that they too may go from worst to first in succeeding years.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Power Rankings: Playoff Edition

So another season nears its inevitable conclusion, as the field is separated into two camps: the haves and the ‘fuck the haves.’ Here at YFTS headquarters, we strive to give you the most accurate playoff information available. But we also strive to not work that hard.

Douchebag Jones vs. The Pile On Guys – The Big Game

DBag Jones’ 3 QB 'trilemma' reminds me of my own efforts with my mail-order brides. One ran all over the place to no avail, the second was a gay eagle, and the third arrived dead in a box (the box even said Fragile on it). And to be honest, none of them really worked out – which is exactly what will happen for DBag. All of your QB’s have earned roughly 40-49% of their points in this week’s game setting (Vick & Rivers at home, Garcia away). So the running game, like our manchild president - will be the decider. Both Alexander and Green are going against two of the worst run defenses in the NFL. Sitting Addai is wise against a surging Cincy D – mostly because another Cincy defenseman was just arrested, and he’ll probably play lights out football, thus proving his innocence to everyone. Don’t ask me how it proves anything, I’m not a damn doctor. I just know that’s how it works in sports movies.

Pile on Guys – For all the attention you’ve paid to your RB’s (57% of your team now) – you’ve left little room for the inevitable WR injury. Expect Driver’s sore shoulder to be tested repeatedly by the Detroit secondary. Normally, the Detroit Secondary wouldn’t worry me, but much like an Iraqi policeman they are probably bent on injuring rather than doing the actual work of defending. What you do have going for you are good offensive matchups. Brady at the Houston Mouth-Breathers, and Bush against Washington. Oakland has the fourth best pass defense against Holt and the Ram’s 10 best passing attack. This gives the early edge to Oakland, but If my calculations are correct, then I have ten fingers. I’d blow your mind with some more math, but I can’t get at my toes since my wife tied my shoelaces in double knots. It’s like walking around with Chinese finger traps on your feet.

Reading my magic crystal ball (my toilet bowl happens to be made of the finest crystal), I predict the DBag by 11pts. I also predict that I will be cutting back on corn.

Up & Atom vs. Rocky Mountain High –
The “Winner Takes All or Winner Gets Lucky and Then Loses Next Week” Game

Up & Atom – Very sneaky you are, benching everyone to disguise your lineup. But using my Columbo-like skills, I was able to deduce your potential lineup. Although I must admit doing it while allowing one eye to wander like a drunken midget in a chair (below) was difficult. However, if you were to play the obvious choices (including Young at QB), you’d be projected at 108.3 points -which is surprisingly under your opponent's. But take heart U&A, because you tend to beat your projections like a sleeping baby. Should you win this week, a victory next week is guaranteed over either opponent emerging from “The Big Game.” Should you lose this week, you should not – I repeat – you should not do anything drastic. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. And no matter how much you wanted to win, there’s nothing you can do change things. Unless you punch unsuspecting strangers in the neck. And as they stare at you, struggling to breathe, you tell them your story and right before they go into the white light, you’ll see them smile. Because damn, if life isn’t funny.

Rocky Mountain High – Again, Tono Romo is getting some very favorable projections for this game. And once again, his name still spells “Toy Moron.” Also, LJ is not running for 2+ scores against a San Diego D that has been prepping at least 2 weeks for him. He burned them for 29 fantasy pts last time and they didn’t have too much time to see How Pittsburgh neutralized him in Week 5. This week will also see if the Cincy D’s resurgence is for real. If they can disrupt Manning, this could make the game for you. However, your WR’s aren’t good enough to make up for any mistakes, and even if you manage to win, you will get crushed next week by either of the Big Game participants. As my crazy Uncle Lenny would say, “Drill-bits! Taters! He’s such a sweet man.

After huffing 6 bags of wood glue (the white stuff is for pussies) my prediction is Up & Atom by 22pts. And I also predict that by the end of the hour, I will have huffed an entire freaking horse. I wonder how much Black Stallion goes for.

Drunk Midget in a Chair Visual.

So for the money race I predict

DBag over Pile On.
U&A over RMH.
FINAL: U&A over Dbag.

Everyone else over a barrel.

And now for the Courtesy Flush Games:

Loftus Vs. Runza - Two of the Loftii’s losses came from teams with 4-10 and 2-10 records. Imagine you had one those two games Loftus. And now imagine you are covered in jelly and whispering dirty words at a webcam, using your index finger to motion slowly for viewers to come closer. Now realize there are probably kids watching, you fucking pervert. WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???

If I could make a list of all of the things that made me sad, none would compare to the Runza’s bench. You could kick a crippled puppy of a deployed US Marine in the face with a steel toed boot and it would still be a party compared to this team’s bench. There is about as much depth to this bench as there is to your average case of whiskey dick. When you have to pin your hopes on Jay Cutler and Jon Kitna, you might as well just eat your own fingers. At least that will stop you from gouging out your eyes while watching the games.

“Face Enema”- induced (don’t ask) prediction: Loftus by 8.5

In the Toilet Vs. Original Gangstas - Looking at these teams, you can tell both managers work in Congress. One made all sorts of moves, had high expectations, adjusted strategies and ultimately spun its wheels to get to sixth place. The other stayed the course (or forgot about the course and was distracted by pretty lights and sounds) and wound up in basically the same place. So what does this mean? Well it means our country is screwed. It doesn’t matter what you do if you don’t have enough talent to begin with. It is our understanding that the Toilet is planning to send in 20,000 additional Running Backs for this game, but the OG’s oppose such a move on the grounds that the Toilet wouldn’t know what to do with them once he got them and would probably not play them anyway because he didn’t want to be “rushed.” So. Angry. Must. Eat. Thumbtacks…. New Pain. Hot Pain. Mouth Full of Blood…. Original Anger fading… Anger at Whoever put… Thumbtacks in my mouth….

Prediction: We’ll stand down when they stand up. And they’ll stand down b/c they don’t feel like getting fucking shot either.
Bonus Prediction: In The Toilet by 17

Buckeye’s Vs. Incontinence Brigade - First off, screw Yahoo for not letting the last two teams not even have a consolation game. This may be the closest game points-wise, and to be honest has no less meaning than any of the Courtesy Flush games. But no, you fuckers at Yahoo have to make someone feel retarded. If I could get my protective helmet off, I would huck it at you. But this damn Velcro is impossible to solve.

Anyway, the projections would be Buckeye’s 113.07 vs. Incontinence Brigade 95.81.

For both teams this whole season has been like unzipping your fly to take a piss, nothing happening, but then taking a crap in your pants while you stand there. How is it like that you ask? Because it’s happened before, everything felt right at the beginning, and your friends feel awkward watching. At the beginning of the season, I asked, “Who the Fuck are You? and now I know. You are my brother in feces. Welcome to the FUFL family. You’ll fit right in.

Drunk Vagrant's prediction: "GIVE ME BACK MY COAT!!! HEY HE STOLE MY COAT!!!"
Bonus Prediction: Buckeye's by Eleventeen. But the Brigade gets a cool "retro" coat.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Power Rankings Week 13

This week, the playoff picture becomes clearer, the Backup RB's have a field day, and we see that Boyz 'N the Hood and A.A. Milne have a lot more in common than we thought. Plus, more poop humor than is necessary, and one team can't climb a tree.

1. The Pile On Guys – The Pile would have liked a stronger showing from its lineup going into the playoffs. The genius substitution of Bush in the spot of Kevin Jones was the key to victory. Had Bush turned in his projected score, or even gotten 20 pts, this game would have been lost, and the Pile on Guys would have been just a Pile of Guys. The Pile should survive against the Incontinence Brigade in Week 14, giving it the top seed for the playoffs. And that may just be the key for the season for this team now that Chester “Try Rectal Hose” Taylor has been injured and replaced by a man (Ciatrick Fason) whose name spells, “A Frantic Sicko” Which is funny, because that’s the same name the newspapers gave my babysitter when I was young. I don’t know what the big deal was, because I learned a lot from that guy. Which reminds me, if you need someone to dress as Jesus-Hitler and juggle decaying sheepheads, screaming Abba Lyrics through a slidewhistle while pissing on a pictures of the Golden Girls, I’m your man. I also do birthday parties and office functions.

2. Up & Atom – Putting together a nice three game win streak heading into the playoffs. It's especially nice when the most recent victory is at the expense of a competitor for one of the coveted playoff slots. The squad did just enough to win, but was surely assisted by RMH whose team aside from LJ, didn’t show up. Next up are the OG’s, a team surely capable of upsets. You have the advantage here going against lousy defenses, but like the time I fed that bear honey to make him go away, things can take a wrong turn. I mean, you think the cute yellow bear wants a little, but then the piglet with him pulls out a machete, the rabbit screeches high pitched religious yodeling, and the next thing you know, you are suffering the beatdown of your life from the Hundred Acre Wood Hustlas. To this day, I can hear that donkey whispering in my ear over the sound of my ribs collapsing, “If Christopher Robin ain’t a bitch, why are you trying to fuck him like one?”

3. Douche Bag Jones – Once again, the Commish makes his case for the playoffs, and out of nowhere it seems he is effectively tied for second in total points - which fortunately for him will break a tie should he lose next week to RMH. Next week looks bright for our celibate commissioner – with Vick against an atrocious Bucs D and Ahman Green against a San Fran Defense that would be benchwarmers even for Puppy Bowl. The trade and the schedule seem to be working for the Commish, especially if Colston comes back in the next two weeks and Alexander stays healthy, this team is a lock for the playoffs. Last week you could have topped 150 pts if Yahoo gave Vick a point for each middle finger he gave to the home fans. It’s like I always say - you gotta reward class. It’s either that or “Let go of me Mr. Baldwin before I release my Bengal Tiger, Jeremy, to feast upon your innards.” I forget which one I say more often. It’s probably pretty close. There’s a shitload of Baldwins.

4. Rocky Mountain High – This is the highest you’ll get ranked this year. Maybe you’ll make the playoffs. Maybe you won’t. It’s like what the surgeon said when I asked if when they put me under they were going to draw a cock and balls on my face, but wipe it off before I woke up: Probably. But let’s be clear: your team this week came in on average 5.6 pts under the projections (including LJ), and Tony Romo is not going to throw 30 pts worth of footballs next week. So your projected score next week is bunk from the start. You’re in the same position I operate from on a daily basis – doing a consistently shitty job while praying others fuck up enough so that you, like sewage released into the open ocean – rise to the top and float there like the sack of congealed crud you are. My therapist says I have anger issues. But people say all sorts of crazy things when you hold their family hostage in their own house.

5. Hurricane Loftus - Do you know what a metaphor is? Well, it is apparently not some sort of space robot. Seriously, it isn’t. I know, I know… it should be. But it isn’t. Anyway, this is an example of a metaphor for your season:

The kid represents you, the tree represents the league that you want to advance to the top of, and gravity represents your last few weeks. Oh, by the way, could you lay motionless in a more effeminate way next time? Thanks.

6. Original Gangstas – It will take a lot of luck, but the opportunity to make the playoffs theoretically exists. Then again, I have not done the math at all, I’m just going on a gut feeling that you could make the playoffs. The second I start doing math I end up hucking the damn abacus. Anyway, all of your players are on teams fighting hard for playoff spots, so expect solid performances next week. This is your chance, as an Original Gangsta, to fulfill the cliché and see a better life outside of the streets, the hustle, and the drive-byes. You got a chance that anyone in your shoes would kill for – nay – has killed for. Which Boyz ‘N the Hood character are you gonna be – Ice Cube, who ends up staying in the ‘hood? Or Ricky – who rises above the violence, does right by everyone, and then gets shot anyway? I think the choice is clear: you’re the guy who offers blowjobs for cheeseburgers. That guy was hilarious.

7. In the Toilet – The Devery Henderson bandwagon has square wheels.

8. Raging Runzas – You lost to a team that touts its ability to crap all over itself. The first rule of quality cooking, Runza, is to use good ingredients – and at first glance this should still be a formidable lineup. But everything you are cooking with is a year old and stale. Edge has no O-Line, no matter how good he is, he can’t move forward. Javon Walker had Jake the Snake and now Jay Cutler throwing passes to the covering DB’s. Palmer is still shy about getting hit and throwing too early. There is little Rage left in these Runzas. But there’s one thing you can still do that almost every food is capable of: Spoil. Spoil good and spoil hard. You have a chance to get rid of the guy at the bar who’s been ordering girlie drinks all season. Be the bouncer. Be the bouncer.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – You’ve got LT and a losing record. That is really hard to do. You made a good decision benching Maroney, but nobody stepped up in his place. The same is to be said with Musin Muhammed, who you correctly pegged to have a lousy game. What was surprising was that Clark didn’t contribute at all. What was not surprising was that Jones was going against one of the toughest run defenses in the league and came up empty. So much for Revenge this year, Buckeye. Perhaps next year you will choose a name that is more befitting your managerial style. Perhaps “Renee” or “Tammy” Those seem more your speed. As for this week, of the teams you’ve played twice, you’ve lost to them all before except one. So, much like your bowel movements, expect this week to be fast and loose, but ultimately in the end, stinky.

10. Incontinence Brigade - Wow. Pulled out a victory just in time to get that elusive second win and not coincidentally, the second time topping 100 pts. But looking back, let’s remember the good times this season. What do 9 weeks of losses look like? Like this my friends:

Note: Gonna win this week though.