Colts over BALTIMORE– Initially it will be quiet as many Ravens fans cautiously file in wondering if they really are at a home game in the postseason or if they passed away in their sleep. Football Outsiders notes that the Ravens run up the middle often, and the Colts were effective at stopping that against Kansas City. I initially picked Baltimore here, but then I realized that “Coach Billick” also spells, “Local Bi Chick” and that's one ugly local bi chick.
SAINTS over Eagles – With the extra week off, the Saints should have adapted to breathing whatever the fuck is still in the air in New Orleans. It isn’t thinner like Denver, but is actually thicker and syrupy with the smells of human misery and feces. I’m not going to say that rooting for Philly is like rooting for hurricanes, but it is exactly like rooting against american levees.
BEARS over Seahawks – Think about it. Pretty much anything that goes into Chicago dies. Happiness, warmth, opportunity, prostitutes, optimism, you name it. The Bears will survive despite their Rexticular cancer, but Seattle is sucking harder than a Hilton sister on a dare.
Patriots over CHARGERS – I never thought I’d actually like Ticketmaster more than San Diego. If I were going to the game, I’d bring the snow shovel I use to bash in the heads of people who take the parking spots I clear out in the winter. It hasn’t been used for shoveling all season anyway, and like a violin or Nicole Richie, needs to be used and slammed every now and then to keep it in condition. Plus, San Diegans don’t even know what a snow shovel is. I could just be like, “Oh this? I use this to help me pee.” Which would be true. Don’t ask.
BEER over Head – At roughly 7:30pm Sunday EST, this will be happening regardless of the Pats outcome. Whether it’s due to celebratory toasting (which it will be) or because the contents of a bottle tend to spill upon the surface it was smashed, beer will be worn like the protective second skin it is.
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