Monday, April 30, 2007

NFL Draft Recap: Patriots Add Depth at CrazyPants

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Let the "A Rolling Stone gathers Moss" puns start...... Now.

Have you ever wanted to do something once but couldn't? And then you waited a year for your next chance, and as if by magic the same situation presented itself - only this time you could in fact draft Randy Moss and get San Francisco's (likely high) first round pick in the next NFL draft? No? Well then you can go back to your boring ass life right the fuck now.

So the Pats got Moss. Normally, I am wary of Len Pasquarelli over at, but because he's writing what I want to hear, I agree with his article on the Pat's newest acquisition:
On Sunday morning, the NFL's master chemist, Bill Belichick of New England, decided to add perhaps the most combustible element in the league to a Patriots locker room where the chemistry is one of near-perfect balance. But lest explosive yet enigmatic wide receiver Randy Moss be misled into believing he will mess with the equilibrium created by Belichick, personnel chief Scott Pioli, owner Bob Kraft and the band of veteran leaders they have assembled, the five-time Pro Bowl player should be forewarned.
I am crazy. Like, real authentic bat-shit crazy.

Dude wants rings. And he'll shut his trap to get them. If he doesn't act right, he's got Rodney Harrison, Tedy Bruschi, Tom Brady, and a shitload of other vets who will knock him into shape very quickly. And may I take a moment to prempt those who point to the way T.O. poisoned the Eagles - it's worth noting that the only spine in the entire Philly locker room then was floating in McNabb's Chunky Soup.

As for the dude who was actually drafted, Brandon Meriweather, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Granted, he stepped on a player during a brawl and has since fired a handgun in a dorm, but he's from the University of Miami - a place where grades and academics are routinely put before sports and competition. So at least he's got a good head on his shoulders, and that's what counts.

Random note: the Pats also drafted an RB named Justise (Not a misspelling, at least not mine). Add him to Tom "The American Way" Brady, and all we'd need to do is draft Paul "The Truth" Pierce for the trifecta. New England is the heart and soul of America, bitches. Captain America himself is gonna have to move to Natick if this keeps up.

Prediction: The Pats are going to win the Superbowl. Suck it.
Fantasy Prediction: Tom Brady now worth a first round draft pick. Suck it harder this time.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Body Building is a Sport

You know my definition of sports: if it's got a 'bloopers' reel and there is no Tom Bergeron or Dave Coulier narration, it's probably a sport.
Image from Full House Bloopers*

So here I give you Body Building bloopers. At first I thought the 'blooper' was the part where the weights fall on people, the kid falls through the floor, or a guy gets his nuts bitten by a cat. Then I figured the 'blooper' is that while these men spend time lifting dead weight, their wives and daughters make out with a a real man who doesn't bore them with silly talk about delts and pecs (I tell them the story of my abs instead).

But actually, a blooper is when you get a BJ on the toilet*. Which doesn't even occur in this video. So I think we can conclude that this video is terribly mislabeled.

Oh God, I do not want to see Full House Bloopers now.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Travel Day Observation

Your jetsetting editor touched down in New Orleans for what promises to be a crazy night of booze, women, mayhem, and incalculable gambling losses at Harrahs sitting in his hotel watching the Sox-Jays game on Yahoo GameChannel.

Upon my arrival here and seeking distractions from my insane cabbie and his increasingly questionable driving decisions, I noticed two things - first, the pawnshops have more business at any given time than the gas stations; and second, the the New Orleans Saints practice facility/HQ is right next to a Budweiser warehouse. Well played Saints, well played indeed.

Also the Super Dome looks like shit. They should change the name from the Super Dome to the The Super Depressing Cylinder That Even Rats Won't Shit in Anymore*. Seriously, you could mount the heads of puppies on stakes around the perimeter of the building and it would double the amount of happiness one gets from looking at it.

*Why don't I ever win building-naming contests?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Curt Schilling Crushes Robert Frost

I like reading 38 pitches. And in order to give myself a reason to read it word for word, while simultaneously mocking a yankee fan who demands Schilling's blog be unmasked for what it is (Ed Note: uhhhh awesome?), I've decided to show you the poetry within his posts. These phrases are lifted from the most recent post and beyond editing punctuation, remain in the order they were written. These 'poems' are designed to let hidden truths and profounditry* float to the surface. They are also designed to make Dan Shaughnessy's head explode like a Peep in the microwave.
Fact: Dan Shaughnessy's brain is purple, gooey, and looks extremely delicious.

Awareness for the Shade

I remember watching on different occasions.
What he did was touching.
Our opener was one of those times,
The two best splits of the day - top to bottom.
The angels have another power, a back door.

Count as early and often as possible, (down and off the outer half,
knuckling a little bit).

I have no idea when he came here.
We get more breathing room (once again he wins).
This time around I know numbers would take care of reasons.

Weather: wise. But it’s not fun to watch.

I’ll grab the next few days.

*I know it's not a word - it's called poetic license, and it's not limited just to the poem itself. It is? You sure? Well aren't you just Emily Fucking Dickinson. I'm totally gonna kill that kid who made me this fake poetic license. The picture doesn't even look like me!

Friday, April 13, 2007

People in Africa Are Bored

Today marks another chapter in the eternal struggle of man vs. beast - which at present count is totally in man's favor (how many species have animals forced into extinction? None? Pathetic symbiotic douches). In Hartebeesport, Africa (I did not make that up), a really fast guy named Brian raced a 2 and half year old Cheetah. Because they were racing side by side, they distracted the wild cat by waving a hunk of lamb in front of her. Think about that for a second. They taunted a cat of prey with meat before lining her up next to some available (if not lean) prey. That's like someone dangling a rotisserie chicken in front of Kirstie Alley before she gets behind you in the buffet line. Only with fewer shouts of Stuffanudder Beefy in Mama Mouf! Mmmm I tasty all of dem! You look like appetizer to me small man! MMMMMMM!!! while bones and jello are spit everywhere.
Cheetahs may be able to run fast, but I'm still not eating their creepy yellow snacks.

The result? Well, I thought the result would be something for Big Daddy Drew's Kill Kill Kill tag, but I was wrong. The Cheetah decided to humiliate the guy by beating him twice and then not eating him. For the record, if I was bested in anything by even a distant relative of Garfield, I'd wanna be consumed on the spot out of principle, you know? And for those of you who say Garfield isn't real, I say look at the funny pages. He's right there, isn't he? Oh how he tortures that adorable Odie!

Matt Cassell Is Gonna Be A Star

I was asked recently to rip Curt Schilling a new one about how arrogant his blog is or else I would lose 'credibility'. This was coming from the worldwide arbiter of credibility, mind you - he's got the mug in his office to prove it. It's next to his Clean Hands & Face Award, and a sticker that says "I Voted!". That's not the kind of shit they give out for free, people.

But I'm not willing to mock His Curtness. He hasn't done anything worth jeering in my opinion. Except bring an elusive championship back to a storied franchise at the expense of the hated Yankees, of course. When the time comes, I'll be the first to demand he be put in his place - a little town called Cooperstown, NY seems about right. So we'll work our way up slowly, from the bottom. Instead of mocking one of the best pitchers to ever grace the game, we'll look at a second string quarterback. Via With Leather, I present the musical gifts and groovy moves of Pats Backup QB Matt Cassell:

There's a reason that Matt Cassell also spells "Smallest Act."

Did I mention he's a good dancer? I wonder why not.

I'm guessing this is the song that he uses to get pumped up before every game. Personally, I don't need any music to get ready for anything, much less a sporting event. It's probably because I embody all that is sport and possess competitive fire*. But also it's because I can't hear anything over all the loud screaming voices that constantly follow me wherever I go. I used to think I was crazy, but it turns out it's just a wild pack of sex-crazed supermodels who follow me around 24/7 begging for me to acknowledge their romantic pleas. Yup, again.

*Is a race to burn down the most houses considered competitive fire? No? What if it's timed? Fuck.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Shady Ladies

If you've got time to kill (and if you're reading this, you do), I strongly urge you to wander over to Kissing Suzy Kolber, where you can see what happens when women are not seen, but heard. The women of Ladies... took over KSK because they won a bet (stupid NCAA) where the winner won posting privileges to the loser's site for a day.

Half of the comments are KSK readers giving them props for their witty ways, while the other half is those same guys awkwardly hitting on those theiving harlots. Just sad. I don't know what makes me immune to their siren song. Maybe it's my tantric sex awards, maybe it's my baby panda rescue service, or it could just be my volunteer work for chiseled abs anonymous. I don't know. I mean, I'm like the rest of these guys, I'm not a superhero or anything. Well at least not anymore. I gave up my powers for true love.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

MLB Enforces its Blue Laws

LATE UPDATE: Go Here & Save Pesky.

Last month, the Boston Globe reported that Johnny Pesky - as much a fixture in the Red Sox home dugout as chaw-clogged cleats, a river of gatorade backwash, and saliva-drenched sunflower seeds - will no longer be allowed to remain in the dugout, thanks to MLB's decision to enforce a rule pertaining to limits on uniformed personnel in the dugout (take THAT elderly WWII veterans!). To be honest, I figured the Sox would work around this - make him a groundskeeper or something. No dice.

"We've been breaking the rule all along," Sox general manager Theo Epstein said yesterday, "and they told us they were going to strictly enforce it -- heavy fines that progressively get heavier every day he's in the dugout."
Official Logo of the Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund
Join the JPLDF today - F MLB in the A!!!

Like that creepy dude in my neighborhood, see if you can follow me on this one: There's approximately 72 home games left, all basically sold out, and Fenway capacity's hovers around 38,805. Would you pay an extra quarter per ticket to let Pesky sit in the dugout? I sure as hell would. While Sox tickets continue to rocket skyward, at least I would know where the money goes as I sit in my obstructed view seat. At a quarter per ticket, you would generate roughly 10K per game. For the season, that's 720K for Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund. Or maybe you could just add that quarter onto the price of beer, and that generate approx $43.25 (no one can afford the beer at Fenway). Finally, corporate america/Dunkin Donuts could join in and put a quarter onto its beverages for one day for the JPLDF - either in place of the aforementioned possibilities or in addition to them.

I can think of no more rewarding feeling than handing over a fine to MLB at the end of each home game. Every home stand would have a new way of proudly paying up - delivering an oversized check, a formal presentation at the first pitch, or just have fans throw rolls of quarters onto the field at the end of the game (instead of during A-Rod's at bats like usual). It would make every game feel like a win. Plus, who is Ortiz gonna hug after he jacks a homerun? If Pesky's absence causes a Papi hitting slump, paying the fine would be considered an investment.

The point is, we don't care if Pesky held the ball, we're holding onto him.


Last week, when Shrutebag took down The Big Lead, it was cool to see the online sports community rally around one of their own. As the Big Lead says themselves:

A week ago, were just another sports blog with some bandwidth and a voice; now we’ve got lawyers pressing us to file a lawsuit and readers urging us to take this to the FCC. Wild stuff.
What's wrong with this picture? You guessed it. No Angie "The Hotness" Harmon.
Unless... she's Batman. Of Course! It all makes sense!

Much like balancing my checkbook and wearing clean underpants, I find this whole thing fascinating and at the same time incomprehensible. They link to a sports law blog (seriously) which I find even more compelling and mysterious.

One last point on framing the appropriate analogue: Much depends on how the DNS attack was carried out. Was it in fact the lawful act of many Cowherd listeners accessing the site at once? Or was it done by a small number of individuals using computer programs to constantly reload the site (apparently as often as once per second)? If the latter, it begins to look more like so-called "cyber-vandalism" and less like a large number of people lawfully accessing the site.

Check it out, it's fun to read and try and make sense of. I'll admit, I got lost at "analogue" - which is either a word they made up, or a description of poo. I don't know which, but those are the only two options.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tom Brady is an African Champion

Tom Brady spent eight days traveling Uganda and Ghana as part of his involvement with the One Campaign - or what I like to call the Seriously? We're going to try white rubbery bracelets now? Because Bono said so? Fuck this. Campaign

At first I thought Brady might be there to publicly apologize/take credit for the population explosion in Africa, or that it was a trip for Gisele to do some diet research, but the article goes on to say that "Tom is a True Champion for Africa... [He] has been a leader in spreading awareness about the issues of African poverty and disease." which I have to admit is 100% true. Going back over the years, looking at quotes, it's harder to find a quote where he's not discussing geopolitical instability, famine relief, crushing poverty, the rampant AIDS pandemic and debt forgiveness. For example:

"My sisters like cooking at my place. It has a bit more room, and the food tastes a little bit better. A big pot of spaghetti and sauce, some warm French bread - works all the time. I think I've been eating pasta for 26 years."

"When you hang with a bunch of 300-pound linemen, you tend to find the places that are the greasiest and serve the most food."

"I don't care about three years ago, ... I don't care about two years ago. I don't care about last year. The only thing I care about is this week."

Great. Now this little boy is pregnant.

Ok. Maybe those were bad examples. Maybe he's never signaled the slightest interest in the world outside of Gilette Stadium. If a fleeting interest in Africa qualifies Tom Brady as a national leader on the issue, then I anxiously await my Presidential Medal of Honor for adult website surfing at work.

Though the One Campaign is a little less than honest about Brady's experience, Brady himself was more frank:
"This was my first trip to Africa and it was an eye-opener," said Brady. "I saw the best and brightest of the human spirit in the face of incredible poverty that most of us just can't comprehend. I've learned that we as Americans, living in the greatest country in the world, can save innocent lives ravaged by AIDS with something as small as a 25 cent pill. When you see what CAN be done, it's impossible to not be driven to do more -- the needs are still overwhelming. This won't be my last visit to Africa and I hope to pass along what I've learned here to others who will listen."

He then added, "Mostly by sperm.I will pass along what I've learned through lots and lots of sperm."

In the end, what have we learned? I like to think it's that even the most famous and wealthy people in the world have hearts and are willing to push their own envelopes to do good for others. Or maybe it's that the crises in Africa are so overwhelming and urgent that people like Tom Brady are willing to stop what they are doing and pitch it. That would be nice. But it's probably more along the lines of: when not playing football, Tom Brady hangs out with people who don't eat anything.