Week 2 of the FUFL is done and gone and teams are now beginning to separate themselves from each other. This week Yahoo takes a game away, nobody appreciates hand-crated jewelry, and Heidi Montag finds her way in the lineup. Also, Kim Kardashian sits on the bench, a Care Bear faces drug addiction, and one owner learns why - ultimately - his infant daughter is to blame.
1. Pile On Guys (mw) - In Week 2, the Pile on Guys were neck and neck in an important Division Game right up until Monday Night Football. Then the Guys, as Osi Umenyiora does nightly to his girlfriend's chest, "Piled on." Barber and Romo BFF4EVA Witten came up huge for the POG's and cemented themselves as the far away leader in the Weaver Division and definitely the team to beat in the FUFL right now. Next week's match up against the turd-laden Gold Diapers should be a cake walk. With the addition of Sproles, the POG's have their usual cadre of running backs in Kim Kardashian mode - taking up 4/5ths of any bench.
2. Cin City (bm) - Similar to the way I approach any pile of love-starved supermodels in my bedroom, Cin Cidy started at the bottom and worked its way to the top of the rankings all the while demonstrating impressive stamina. Dropping 160 pts in Week 2 without anything from your QB is impressive. And if Palmer finds his stride, surely Cin City will be an FUFL force to be reckoned with. The Keys to Week 2 were Boldin and Westbrook combined with a strong Defense showing by Green Bay. After the week 3 contest against Bigfoot's Rubber this week, Cin City won't be seriously tested until week 7. With two division wins, Cin City is taking advantage of every opportunity to distance itself early on. Sort of like his friends do to him in public.
3. Brady's Knee (ms) - First this team lost, and then Yahoo corrected the stats, and then Brady's Knee wins. This should have been a clear, classic case of "tough taters." Ed Hochuli doesn't get to fix his mistake. The Chargers don't get a game back, but Brady's Knee gets a win courtesy of the Seattle Defense stat error? No. Way. This is an outrage. Strongly worded letters shall be composed and emailed to Yahoo! interns. With the tainted victory, Brady's Knee moves to an easier game in week 3 and then a more difficult game in week 4. Expect this flip flopping to continue well past the election season.
4. Bigfoot's Rubber (cl) - Ever the classy loser, this true gentleman took his stat-corrected loss in stride. And once the smoke cleared, the hostages released, and the judge paid off, things settled down. After decent performances up and down the roster, the weak spot turned out to be the Charger D - posting a negative 1pt. An abysmal 5 or 6 points could have won this game, but no. So instead of taking a 2-0 record into the buzzsaw of Cin City and the other upper tier teams, the Rubbers are going to have to use exceptional match-up awareness to string together some wins. Speaking of stringing things together, can you believe the guy at the jewelry store wouldn't buy the necklaces I brought in for appraisal? I used only the most precious and purest dried macaroni, imported from Italy and strung by hand. Some people have no taste.
5. Puke and Rally (wa) - More Rally than Puke in Week 2, but a formidable Week 3 awaits. More formidable than the projections seem to indicate. Neither Coles nor Shockey have shown they deserve the numbers they have - even with the nice matchups. That goes especially for Gore. 23 Points is ludicrous. He's more likely to have 23 injuries this week than fantasy points. But other than that, this team looks solidly built and has a decent schedule throughout. But we've said that every year about this team and just like Kirstie Alley, it never works out.
6. HopeMongers (xj) - Up until Monday night, the HopeMongers had a sliver of hope. Now they are just mongerererreerers. And with lingering injuries already to Braylon Edwards and Adrian Peterson, hope may not be enough - you may need CHANGE. YFTS recommends a blockbuster trade now, instead of your annual huge week 9 trade. Your lineup is what experts call a Heidi Montag Lineup. One that looks really good in all the right places upon first glance, but after even brief examination, makes you want to stab stab stab it and prevent it from ever releasing another music video let alone an entire album. So you can make a decent trade now, or maybe try what Spencer Pratt should have done along time ago - Jump off a building into a pile of razorblades and lemon juice. Just a thought.
7. Original Gangstas (rm) - Week 2 saw great improvement for the OG's but unfortunately was on the receiving end of a 160 pt bitch slap. We're expecting a win this week for the OG's but at 0-2 it's already do or die for the OG's. Every year this team gets more depressing. It's like watching a Care Bear with a raging meth addiction - it's a shell of itself, is often desperate, and every now and then steals a win. Plus even though mostly harmless, it could still hurt you because it's a bear, right? Also, you're hairy. The power of my analogies knows no bounds.
8. Country First (sc) - We're still not sure you actually won a game, but Yahoo! seems convinced, so we'll go with it for now. Week 2 gave you a gift as the 84 pts posted could only beat one team - which happened to be the one you were playing. The return of Stephen Smith may help you out, and it looks like you took the necessary step of replacing Peyton Manning with Jay Cutler. Think about that right now. Jay Cutler over Manning is a no brainer. I've seen shit less crazy than that after licking toads for an hour. The problem for you is just when you figured out your lineup, you are coming up against some of the better teams in the FUFL. And let's be honest, until you post a score over 100 pts, everyone is excited to see Country First on their schedule. You get that warm fuzzy feeling - like the one you get when you see old friend. And then you get to pummel that deadbeat's face into the sidewalk until it looks like a wet raisin. What can I say, I'm a softie.
9. Rocky Mountain High (cr) - New Rule: no one has to pay their dues to you until you win a game. How you bench Eddie Royal for Roy Williams in Week 2 makes me question your brain functionality. You got screwed by McGahee not suiting up the first game, and now Hurricane Ike benched him again. I'm pretty sure it was God's way of benching both teams out of disgust. He truly is an Awesome God. I think it was Ecclesiastes where he said,
"And Lo, the LORD said 'The Ravens and Texans are fucking miserable to behold. If they ever come together, people are going to start wondering if I know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck this game. Junior, turn on the sprinkler.' And it was GOOD."
Should you fix the McGhahee situation, you have a shot against a reeling OG's. I know I give you a lot flak, but don't concede the season just yet. Week 5. Then it's over.
10. Gold Diapers (dp) - Having a baby is the single most effective way to ruin your FUFL season. The best part of your team is that we get to see Yahoo!'s cool new feature: the Random Vernon Davis Projection Generator. 9.54? Why the fuck not!? This team is in dire need of an RB - perhaps one of the many on the staff of this week's opponent? Laurence Maroney is probably the worst RB in fantasy football. By every measure, he should be out there killing it. Instead, he's used sparingly, can't get a rhythm, and is apparently made of stage-glass. Until you get rid of him, you're going to be just like every other Maroney-owner - caught on video with your pants down while attempting to make love to the grill of your truck.
I hate it when that happens. Mostly because once the truck gets pregnant you have to pay child support. Do you have any idea how much gas is these days? I knew I should have hooked up with that Hybrid instead. Damn it all.