Friday, September 19, 2008

FUFL Power Rankings for Week 3

Week 2 of the FUFL is done and gone and teams are now beginning to separate themselves from each other. This week Yahoo takes a game away, nobody appreciates hand-crated jewelry, and Heidi Montag finds her way in the lineup. Also, Kim Kardashian sits on the bench, a Care Bear faces drug addiction, and one owner learns why - ultimately - his infant daughter is to blame.

If it looks fuzzy to you, try not sniffing your highlighters at work so much.

1. Pile On Guys (mw) - In Week 2, the Pile on Guys were neck and neck in an important Division Game right up until Monday Night Football. Then the Guys, as Osi Umenyiora does nightly to his girlfriend's chest, "Piled on." Barber and Romo BFF4EVA Witten came up huge for the POG's and cemented themselves as the far away leader in the Weaver Division and definitely the team to beat in the FUFL right now. Next week's match up against the turd-laden Gold Diapers should be a cake walk. With the addition of Sproles, the POG's have their usual cadre of running backs in Kim Kardashian mode - taking up 4/5ths of any bench.

2. Cin City (bm) - Similar to the way I approach any pile of love-starved supermodels in my bedroom, Cin Cidy started at the bottom and worked its way to the top of the rankings all the while demonstrating impressive stamina. Dropping 160 pts in Week 2 without anything from your QB is impressive. And if Palmer finds his stride, surely Cin City will be an FUFL force to be reckoned with. The Keys to Week 2 were Boldin and Westbrook combined with a strong Defense showing by Green Bay. After the week 3 contest against Bigfoot's Rubber this week, Cin City won't be seriously tested until week 7. With two division wins, Cin City is taking advantage of every opportunity to distance itself early on. Sort of like his friends do to him in public.

3. Brady's Knee (ms) - First this team lost, and then Yahoo corrected the stats, and then Brady's Knee wins. This should have been a clear, classic case of "tough taters." Ed Hochuli doesn't get to fix his mistake. The Chargers don't get a game back, but Brady's Knee gets a win courtesy of the Seattle Defense stat error? No. Way. This is an outrage. Strongly worded letters shall be composed and emailed to Yahoo! interns. With the tainted victory, Brady's Knee moves to an easier game in week 3 and then a more difficult game in week 4. Expect this flip flopping to continue well past the election season.

4. Bigfoot's Rubber (cl) - Ever the classy loser, this true gentleman took his stat-corrected loss in stride. And once the smoke cleared, the hostages released, and the judge paid off, things settled down. After decent performances up and down the roster, the weak spot turned out to be the Charger D - posting a negative 1pt. An abysmal 5 or 6 points could have won this game, but no. So instead of taking a 2-0 record into the buzzsaw of Cin City and the other upper tier teams, the Rubbers are going to have to use exceptional match-up awareness to string together some wins. Speaking of stringing things together, can you believe the guy at the jewelry store wouldn't buy the necklaces I brought in for appraisal? I used only the most precious and purest dried macaroni, imported from Italy and strung by hand. Some people have no taste.

5. Puke and Rally (wa) - More Rally than Puke in Week 2, but a formidable Week 3 awaits. More formidable than the projections seem to indicate. Neither Coles nor Shockey have shown they deserve the numbers they have - even with the nice matchups. That goes especially for Gore. 23 Points is ludicrous. He's more likely to have 23 injuries this week than fantasy points. But other than that, this team looks solidly built and has a decent schedule throughout. But we've said that every year about this team and just like Kirstie Alley, it never works out.

6. HopeMongers (xj) - Up until Monday night, the HopeMongers had a sliver of hope. Now they are just mongerererreerers. And with lingering injuries already to Braylon Edwards and Adrian Peterson, hope may not be enough - you may need CHANGE. YFTS recommends a blockbuster trade now, instead of your annual huge week 9 trade. Your lineup is what experts call a Heidi Montag Lineup. One that looks really good in all the right places upon first glance, but after even brief examination, makes you want to stab stab stab it and prevent it from ever releasing another music video let alone an entire album. So you can make a decent trade now, or maybe try what Spencer Pratt should have done along time ago - Jump off a building into a pile of razorblades and lemon juice. Just a thought.

7. Original Gangstas (rm) - Week 2 saw great improvement for the OG's but unfortunately was on the receiving end of a 160 pt bitch slap. We're expecting a win this week for the OG's but at 0-2 it's already do or die for the OG's. Every year this team gets more depressing. It's like watching a Care Bear with a raging meth addiction - it's a shell of itself, is often desperate, and every now and then steals a win. Plus even though mostly harmless, it could still hurt you because it's a bear, right? Also, you're hairy. The power of my analogies knows no bounds.

8. Country First (sc)
- We're still not sure you actually won a game, but Yahoo! seems convinced, so we'll go with it for now. Week 2 gave you a gift as the 84 pts posted could only beat one team - which happened to be the one you were playing. The return of Stephen Smith may help you out, and it looks like you took the necessary step of replacing Peyton Manning with Jay Cutler. Think about that right now. Jay Cutler over Manning is a no brainer. I've seen shit less crazy than that after licking toads for an hour. The problem for you is just when you figured out your lineup, you are coming up against some of the better teams in the FUFL. And let's be honest, until you post a score over 100 pts, everyone is excited to see Country First on their schedule. You get that warm fuzzy feeling - like the one you get when you see old friend. And then you get to pummel that deadbeat's face into the sidewalk until it looks like a wet raisin. What can I say, I'm a softie.

9. Rocky Mountain High (cr) - New Rule: no one has to pay their dues to you until you win a game. How you bench Eddie Royal for Roy Williams in Week 2 makes me question your brain functionality. You got screwed by McGahee not suiting up the first game, and now Hurricane Ike benched him again. I'm pretty sure it was God's way of benching both teams out of disgust. He truly is an Awesome God. I think it was Ecclesiastes where he said,

"And Lo, the LORD said 'The Ravens and Texans are fucking miserable to behold. If they ever come together, people are going to start wondering if I know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck this game. Junior, turn on the sprinkler.' And it was GOOD."

Should you fix the McGhahee situation, you have a shot against a reeling OG's. I know I give you a lot flak, but don't concede the season just yet. Week 5. Then it's over.

10. Gold Diapers (dp) - Having a baby is the single most effective way to ruin your FUFL season. The best part of your team is that we get to see Yahoo!'s cool new feature: the Random Vernon Davis Projection Generator. 9.54? Why the fuck not!? This team is in dire need of an RB - perhaps one of the many on the staff of this week's opponent? Laurence Maroney is probably the worst RB in fantasy football. By every measure, he should be out there killing it. Instead, he's used sparingly, can't get a rhythm, and is apparently made of stage-glass. Until you get rid of him, you're going to be just like every other Maroney-owner - caught on video with your pants down while attempting to make love to the grill of your truck.

I hate it when that happens. Mostly because once the truck gets pregnant you have to pay child support. Do you have any idea how much gas is these days? I knew I should have hooked up with that Hybrid instead. Damn it all.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Effed in the A (FUFL Week 1)

Welcome back FUFL. This is the first Power Rankings and there's already a huge shuffle from the conventional wisdom of the preseason. Basically ever important fantasy player was hurt in week 1 - and it left at least one owner asking why his QB couldn't have just gone missing with a loaded weapon instead of tearing two knee ligaments. This week Sammy Morris becomes the permanent vulture, We forsee throwing buckets of beer at one owner in particular, and we relate our own personal story of an adrenaline-filled left turn. Plus supermodels have been sexed and street urchins have shit wiped on them. Pretty standard stuff really.

1. Bigfoot's Rubber (CL) - This team came out in week one like a team scorned - winning by over 72 points. Holy schnikes. That's more than Country First's total. The solid numbers posted by Brees and Willie Parker carried this team but ultimately it was the performance turned in by Sammy Morris that energized this team. With a renewed focus on the running game this season, Morris owners are well positioned - he is the ultimate vulture for Maroney on first through third downs and especially at the goal line. When Maroney is at home with a lady friend, Morris comes in from foreplay to right before cuddling. The Week 2 match up against Brady's Knee presents a ripe opportunity to take down the only real threat in the Youhas Memorial Division. It also represents a chance to exact revenge on one who enjoyed watching the shimmer of the NFL get a little bit duller with the injury of one Thomas Brady. YFTS even took a moment to pour out a 40oz full of crystal and the sweat of recently-sexed supermodels onto his marble floor in honor of this fallen hero. Mourn ya till we join ya.

2. Puke and Rally (WA) - It's not a question of who failed you (everyone except Gore, Michael Turner in the flex, and your defense) but of who failed you most? Bulger who barely pulled more points in a game than Tom Brady did in 8 minutes of one season? Holmes, Colston? Actually the one who failed you most was YOU. Leaving Favre vs Miami on the bench was the worst idea ever. I can see why you might leave edge on the bench b/c you had more faith in Gore's ability to dominate the game, but QB vs Miami is a no brainer. You rallied to just under 2 pts away from a needed Division win. That's enough to make anyone want to puke. I'm not sure how Shockey got the points he did. Does Yahoo add a few on there for games he doesn't quit on his team and sulk from the owner's box?

3. Pile On Guys (MW) - This team is stacked with talent, but only barely cracked 100pts. That will probably change with Bowe taking a WR spot and Fargas taking over for Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis. The bad news is that leaves you as the guy who cares about the Oakland v KC game. If someone were to ask me to turn the game to Oak-KC I would throw my beer at them. Then the rest of the bottles. Then the ice in the bucket. Then the bucket. The Minnesota D almost lost you the contest, so the addition of the Arizona D was necessary. The real question is what to do when TJ Housh is still tanking at week 3? If you said "punch a cop!" you're right!

4. Hopemongers (XJ) - Like most years, this team looks like an early contender for the playoffs. With Romo, Edwards, Plax, and Adrian Petersen, it's hard to see you losing week after week. The undoing of this team will be its weakness at TE now that Young has the crazies and did not show an interest in throwing to Crumpler, like the smart person who told to get him for that exact reason advised you. With Matt Ryan surpassing initial expectations beyond EPIC FAIL, Roddy White lingers as trade bait for a decent tight end. Then again, the Hopemongers may decide to keep him so they can boast the most Whites on their roster. Racist.

5. Brady's Knee (MS) - Artfully named team, though gives new meaning to the term Knee-Jerk. YFTS's only solace is that you have Wes Welker taking up space in your lineup. You gonna bench him for Berrian?? or Reggie Williams??? of course not. But who else is out there? You gonna get someone off the waiver wire? This team generally puts up decent numbers and is a threat at anytime, but the truth is the loss of Brady hurt you and you know it. Maybe you can trade one of your shitty RB's. Or maybe you can just eat shit and die. Whichever.

Interdivision Play Summed up in a Picture

6. Country First (SC) - Welcome to the FUFL. Here's an introductory video providing insight into your FUFL experience. In this scenario, the chick is the FUFL, and you are the dude. And everyone else is the gang of dudes beating the crap out of you saying "How can YOU slap?!!! FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Good for you for trying to fight back against the bitch though. Kudos.

Anyone else find it interesting that the mob members swear in English?

Your country may come first, but your team was dead fucking last this week. Hey, at least you can always look to this link (when signed into the league page that is) and remember one day when a neurotic overly-informed windbag made an irrational statement about your team's prospects.

7. Gold Diapers (DP) - This team is amazing - in 2006. Though the RB situation this year is particularly distressing - with every Larry Johnson carry you can actually hear his bones creaking and spinal fluid dripping from his ears. Lee Evans will enjoy fucking with you throughout the season, so that should be fun. If Randy Moss was wasted on this team before, he's now just another decent receiver, which is not what you need. Your diapers may be golden, but the fact that you need diapers is the larger issue.

8. Original Gangstaz (RM) - This may be the highest the OG's get this year. The Gangstaz are in a deep division and their inter-division prospects do not look favorable. And this is the first time in many years you don't have a combo to rely on/drag you down. You don't even have a tandem. How you have McNabb on your roster without another decent QB to plug in when he gets hurt in week 4 or 5 is beyond me. Look, I'm an adrenaline junkie too, but even I take precautionary measures in my thrill seeking. One time I was at a busy intersection that clearly stated "No Left Turn b/w 4pm and 6pm" But you know what? I had some where to be, so I took the risk. But unlike you, I used my signal! And that made all the difference. True story.

9. Cin City (BM)
- After placing 2nd in 2008, Cin City starts the year placing 2nd to last in the first FUFL Power Rankings. With the turd-tastic cobo of Palmer and Utecht, expect great things for this team. Great shit-covered things, that smear to the bottom of your shoe and fail to come off - even when you wipe off your shoes vigorously on the nearest street vagrant. Greg Jennings lived up to the hype but that's mostly because teams have so little film on Aaron Rodgers at this point. At least Denver had something to review on McFadden (and it showed). Once teams figure out Rodgers (next week) expect a fall-off in Jennings' production. This team has a strong WR lineup, but no one dependable week in and week out. It's like when I go into Applebees - I know there is a hot chick who works behind the bar, but I can never pin down what her schedule is with any regularity. Some days she's there, some days she isn't and it's ridiculously frustrating to waste your time waiting for her to show. That's why I'm going to give her this tracking anklet. I'm such a cheesy romantic!

10. Rocky Mountain High (CR) - For week 1, a visual aid might be needed to fully demonstrate the level of FAIL your team achieved:

You lost your best player 8 minutes into your season, and Willis McGahee didn't even put his uniform on. Chad Jochocinchonson put his uni on but might as well have sat out too. Now you have to go up against one of the stronger teams in your division (and the entire league). Add to that nobody has paid their dues yet.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Return of the FUFL (again)

A few weeks ago, I woke and knew something was different. I had dreamed of newness and rebirth; where my head achieved a clear state and I felt deep rest. Upon waking up I realized the FUFL Draft had taken place where grown men kept talking about their stupid babies and I pulled out clumps of hair in my sleep after drafting an already-injured Kevin Curtis. Welcome back FUFL, good bye hairline. The following PSA should be shown before every FUFL season, as it is the perfect metaphor for how this league works. Sure it offers you a brief respite from the summer camp that is your life, but before you know it, you're doing dirty smack in a windowless room while a crying Amy Poehler tries to lick you. And that's just week 3.

This year the FUFL moves into the uncharted territory of being a PLUS league and all the bells and whistles that affords the idiots in this league - many of whom are routinely distracted by bells, whistles, pretty colors, and blinking lights already. And that's just while driving. With the PLUS status, the format also changes to Division Play each balanced with past winners and losers. Mostly losers. We have the Weaver and Youhas Memorial Divisions - nostalgically named for two former FUFL managers who think they are better than the rest of us. To honor their memory we mock them in a forum where they are unable to defend themselves. That truly is the FUFL way. And as with any loss, someone is bound to benefit from cloudy grief-riddled decision making, and with that we welcome Team Chance to the FUFL fold. Way to take advantage, ass. Let us know if this cuts too much into your more reliable grifting of elderly widows and disabled veterans.

As an added bonus for us PLUS people, there is this handy little page, which does all that fancy math YFTS brutally abuses year after year. Paying someone else to think for you is a proven strategy for success. But the fact that you all paid someone else to think for YFTS, well I am just flattered at how much you want YFTS to succeed.

The season holds much promise: upsets, ridiculously painful injuries to opponents starters, not paying the treasurer, perhaps we will even have a live blog or two. But just know this. the FUFL and YFTS is back. Enjoy the games this weekend, because once the games end and the season really begins, you can do no right.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Rankings of Power: Week 10

Aaaaaand we're back. After extensive rehabbing of this site's AGASL (Anterioir Give-a-Shit-Ligament), YFTS is back and ready to mock you in paragraph form - complete with tired celebrity references and the kind of sexual deviance that you've not only come to expect, but that is also wildly inappropriate for your workplace computer. I must also say that while laid up with the AGASL injury, I used the free time to tap my artistic side. And your mom. I totally tapped your mom. Ahhh it's good to be back. This week we have our first playoff spot clinched, Nickelback welcomes a team into its fold of douchebaggery and one of you has that gross yet irresistible band-aid smell. Also Ben Franklin gets totally pwn3d.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - The Plumbers got an easy win over the now 2-9 OG's. Randy Moss will be back in Week 11, bumping Shaun McDonald and his negative 15 yards rushing back to the bench. The WR corps is the only weak spot on this team, now that Vinny T is hucking the ball in the general direction of Steve Smith. Moss easily compensates for the lack of production (he's been involved in 84% of the Pats plays so far) and the host of RB's waiting in the wings will keep the flex spot filled throughout the playoff. The Plumbers can put any WR in there just for shits (which is technically what Shaun McDonald is anyway). You may be lauded for clinching the first FUFL playoff spot, but may we remind you that comes with a price. A price of rooting for the New England Patriots - whose members account for a whopping 20% of your total points. Sure, you may root for the Bills this weekend, but every time Randy Moss scores, and every JP Losman/Edwards INT - a part of you will be happy. Rugs on Valium will put up a fight this week and you need all the points you can get. You can get your homerism on with Marshawn Lynch, but we all know you've sold your soul to the devil for FUFL glory.

2. Mailer's Provocateurs (MW) - Despite the french sounding name, this team has surrendered but once in the last 8 weeks (and that was a barn-burner). But a new, metaphysical challenge awaits in the OG's who inexplicably OWN the Provocateurs, despite their lack of success elswhere in the FUFL. History does not seem likely to repeat itself, as the MP's roster is Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-stacked for week 11. We will note that except for the kicker, the OG's entire roster (at time of this typing) is at home for week 11, while the MP's for the most part are on the road. Post OG's, the schedule looks favorable for this team, especially if Adrian Peterson returns in time for the playoffs. Some are already oepnly questioning if Peterson will be a more hesitant runner, or have to change his style due to a knee brace. However, if I recall my historical facts, remember when Forrest Gump had those knee braces on and then ran so fast his 'magic' leg braces came apart and he outran a truck of hooligans? That was awesome.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This team has been consistent all season, thanks to a decent draft and a shrewd roster-assault on Cin City (you got Addai for a random Chicago TE, Earnest Graham, and Donald Driver? Holy shitballs). That's why we are happy to bestow the YFTS
Nickleback Award
to the Dogpound. On the commemorative plaque, the inscription reads,

"This award is presented to the FUFL team who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere at once; given in recognition of constant production, and the kind of inexplicable continued success that annoys the shit out of me."

I sat down at my computer to find Nickelback lyrics that summed up your team but everytime I tried to, my neighbor would start thumping against my walls telling me to 'stop that fucking screaming.' Neighbors. Gah. This week's biggest issue is choosing the right roster among your rmany options. With Selvin Young and Chester Taylor (Ed Note: traded for Torry Holt? Fuck.) both at your disposal as starters, there's almost too much RB talent to squeeze into the 3 spots. Perhaps you'll put Maroney in there to have a match up against Jamal Lewis, and achieve some kind of cathartic release that makes you feel good about that turd of a trade. I usually get someone to choke me while naked in an elevator, but whatever works for you. Freak.
Congratulations, MVDP. Welcome to our elite Hall of Mega-Mediocrity.

4. Angel Lusters (CL) - I know what you are thinking, "How the hell does this team belong here, leapfrogging over teams with better records and way more consistency?" Well, I'll tell you young lady - the Angel Lusters have dropped over 160 points on its opponents two weeks in a row, while your "better teams" are all struggling to stay at .500 on the season. This team is all about power right now and has two weeks of momentum behind it. And finally, as Margaret Thatcher famously said, "Smell my taint." (Fun Fact: There is a controversy about this quote because she said it in that funny British accent where you drop the 't' at the end, so no one knows if she said taint or tayne or tain, or something else. True Story). This team is the typical FUFL team that kind find its gear until its too late. Just a few weeks ago, in an attempt to come back too early from the aforementioned AGASL injury, we wrote of this (our) team, "The Angel Lusters have blah blah blah basically this game made me want to die. After getting hollowed out by Brett Favre with an 82 yard TD pass to lost last week, I just want to lay down and get used to this." And two weeks later, we're at #4. After this week's loss to MVDP, we're back to the basement. The sunlight... it burns.

5. Cin City (BM) - If this team considers trading Addai away as a 'retarded' move, then trading Adrian Peterson for 3 players who collectively aren't going to immediately make your team better (or play at all for that matter), makes you this guy:

There's something about this team that keeps us paying attention. Like a band-aid that's been on too long, you keep smelling it even though it's totally gross. But there's something about that smell - unlike any other - and perhaps that's what brings us back time and time again. The idea of novelty even in a chaotic environment. The chance for healing. The knowledge that your body will repair itself and that when given the chance, it defaults to a place of comfort and goodness. On the other hand, your wound may be totally infected and the smell is actually rotting flesh succumbing to the same kind of bacteria that makes you trade Addai and Peterson for Chad Johnson, Donald Driver, Kenny Watson, and Priest Holmes (you're better off pretending that Greg Olsen and Earnest Graham were never part of the mix. It makes you look idiotic). Maybe we're being too quick to judge here. After getting bent over a barrel time and time again, does the wood begins to smooth over and actually become quite comfortable?

6. Kool Aid Maroney (DP) - One a three game losing streak is rough, but the seeds of this were planted in week 6 - which was the last time this team put up a big point total. Since then, Kool-Aid had a close win over a lousy team, and three terrible defeats. Which is worse - losing by a half a point or not cracking 90 for two straight weeks? To be sure, this team is still capable of breaking through a wall, shouting "Oh Yeahhhhh!" to an amused gang of kids who seem not to care that a talking pitcher of juice just smashed the wall in. Your studs of the past are being put out to stud in the present (you see what I did there? Please send Nobel Prize to Literachure to YFTS, c/o the chief. kthxbai!). The 49ers QB's are terrible to the point where the run game can't be set up, and your WR situation is pretty lousy. I'm sure both you and Bridget Moynahan are praising the lord that Tom Brady is back on the field. You've got a tough matchup against Xian Drools, who demonstrated a resurgence in last week's loss. The playoffs are fast approaching and a continued losing streak will keep you out of the playoff hunt for sure. The Good news is you'll have plenty of opportunity to blog about it on your blog where you bloggity blog on blogging about blogs that blog their blog or something. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, because I don't know what that word means. Is that some sort of Hippo gang? Like the Bloods and the Crits or something? Nature's funny.

7. Rugs on Valium (WG) - We'll be honest. Teams 7-9 are basically tied for 7-9th place. This list could be totally switched around and would still be accurate for a litany of reasons that pierce with truth. If you were desperate, and looking for filler, you might even call these reasons Litany Spears.

*Awkward Silence*

Ahem. Anyway, the Rugs have cobbled together a 2 game win streak with a roster of players who otherwise aren't terribly remarkable. Trading Torry Holt for Chester Taylor acknowledges a hole in the running game - especially as Marion Barber and Julius Jones continue to split carries for no earthly reason other than for Wade Phillips to fuck with you. You are likely to give the number one team a run for its money, seeing as Joey Galloway should matchup well against Atlanta, and every TD by Wes Welker at the flex spot will be an emotional irritant to your opponent. YFTS is once again picking RoV despite the historical fact that every time we pick them for an upset, they lose. Seriously - it's such a fact you can look it up in big thick books - ummm right here between Ben Franklin helping Marty McFly get back to the future from the past/future and the exact height and weight of Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was fucking HUGE).

8. Xian Drools (CJ) - Sorry dood. This team had a nice win in Week 9 and though they lost, XD put up the second best score of Week 10. Why not higher in the rankings considering earlier this season he defeated his next three opponents? That's a good question. The short answer is: this is not the same team it was in those early weeks. And too many things need to go right to pull it off. Bulger needs to revive from the dead, Andre Johnson needs a quality QB (Sage Rosenfels will have a rough time going forward. Mark my words). Santonio Holmes is no longer the new "It-Girl" on the Steelers. There are some good signs in Shockey getting open and holding onto the ball, Colston waking up from his coma, and Portis being injury free through 10 weeks. But without those freakish numbers that John Kitna was putting up at the beginning of the season, you'll probably win one out of your next three. Given the resurgence of the teams above you, that might not be enough for an FUFL playoff spot. It is good enough for a hug. C'mere buddy. Awwww that's it. You're safe now. You're safe. Papa isn't gonna let anyone hurt you no more.

9. Die Nasty (CR) - Yahoo has you at 6th, yet here you are dubbed within odor distance of the OG's. How has that come to pass? Well until your season point total has a comma in it, you will be here at the bottom. Die Nasty has won some squeakers, and since mid season has been alternating weekly between wins and losses. The injuries to Harrison and LJ are just devastating going forward - as you have missed out on some key points the last two weeks that would decide any tie-breakers. Assuming you put Stallworth in for Berrian, this week is not an impossile matchup, but Roddy White in the flex spot is gonna kill you. It hurts to look at. You know when you see punks all pierced and tattooed up and you wonder "why would someone do that to themselves?" That's what Roddy White is. And he's piercing your balls.

10. Original Gangstas (RM) - The good news for the OG's is they have a history of FUFL victory over the Provocateurs. The bad news is pretty much everything else. Sure your roster is at home, but is Shaun Alexander gonna get you more points nailed to the bench at home? Is Willis McGahee and the entire Baltimore RB corps going to rack up more points if Billick ignores the passing game at home? We'd like to see Warrick Dunn in at the flex spot for sure this week. We'd also like see the historical streak against the Provacateurs continue. It's more important than ever this time, because I don't think we can get in touch with Benjamin Franklin to go back to the future. His phone number is unlisted I heard. For a Founding Father, he seems kinda like a little bitch, huh?

Marty McFly is about to lose his constitution.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

NFL LOL Can Haz a Secrets

Grimey's got LOLJocks. Kissing Suzy Kolber has NFL Post Secret. But what about NFL LOL Post Secret? Yeah, I know. What about it.

Photos courtesy of AP Photos and Getty Images

Friday, October 05, 2007

Site Update - I Need a Hug

Your Fantasy Team Sucks is going to be taking a hiatus from all non-FUFL postings for awhile, as I seek to influence the content of Hugging Harold Reynolds. They are gaining respect and readership among the sports blogosphere, and I think I am just the person to put an end to that. I am sure you will agree.

I think the move will provide me the release from the glass cage of emotion I have built for myself. As you can see here, it has its drawbacks:

Image Hosted by

FUFL power rankings will continue of course, and at least now I have an excuse for not updating them until Fridays.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

ALDS Prediction: Red Sox in... a Bar

After securing the AL East Division win, the Red Sox celebrated in true, humbled form. Players calmly walked onto the field, tipped their caps to the home crowd, signed autographs for every person there, and then held several minutes silence in honor of our armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan and kids with cancer. That's what really happened. It just appeared that the place went apeshit and a champagne-soaked Jonathan Papelbon removed his pants while performing an irish jig. According to Science-y Stuff in My Head (a medical journal written by yours truly), you saw what you wanted to see, you hedonistic pants-less ass.

The Red Sox then sauntered to a local watering hole, and thanks to some guy named Brandon, we have photographic proof that they responsibly provided revelers with beverages; quenching their thirst for libation and competitive triumph:

Rookie of the Year Candidate Dustin Pedroia leads a prayer to Jesus. Or gasps for air after another huge shot of bourbon - where he's an established veteran.

Coco Crisp screams sweet nothings at her face

Coco Crisp spies another opportunity. This one strapless.

Clay Buchholz shows the proper way to consume a shot. That's pinkie OUT playaz.

Clay Buchholz next demonstrates the intoxicating feeling of moderation.
And how to look out of one eye while trying not to puke.

And what are the Angels doing? Probably practicing and staying hydrated. Bitches.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power: The Third Week

After three weeks we finally have stats that can technically be described as 'averages'. This week is more of the same: dead clowns, car accidents, and possible criminal endangerment of children. Plus Mike Tyson hits broadway, someone almost snaps Minnie Driver's neck, we tell a ghost story, and see the power of Jesus' forgiveness. Also, FUFL-related content - as filler mostly.

Update: The Nancy Kerrigans are now The Angel Lusters. Discuss.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Quick Quiz: which of these three are impossible to argue against: a 3-0 record, one of the lowest DPSHT's in the league, or a drunken clown lying on the street? The answer: all three.* Even with his opponent's best lineup, he still
would have been victorious. As the new leader in Rankings of Power, the Plumbers have shown that in the FUFL, they are more than capable of cleaning your pipe. However, before we go crowning the Plumbers just yet, let's keep in mind that opponents are averaging just 89 pts against him, the lowest in the league. He's also beaten the occupants of 5th, 9th, and 10th places. In two of those games, the Plumbers put up decent numbers (125+), but his next three games are coming up against teams whose losses average 116, 121 and 111. Not exactly pushovers. This week's matchup against Cin City will be one of the toughest yet, especially if Cedric Benson stays in your lineup. Keeping him in means you trust Brian Greise to resemble an effective quarterback to keep the defense honest. Look, I'm all for trust. But it's a two way street. One with flashing lights, a DO NOT ENTER--- BLASTING! signs, a bridge that's collapsed into a river of piranhas, and the road's all gravelly. But hey, how bad could it be?
*Trick question, the clown is dead in this scenario.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - Add Kevin Curtis to the list of players who require your gentle but firm servicing. Even a decent performance by Curtis wouldn't have been enough to win this game for you, but the 45 pt day overwhelmed your opponent and managed to outshine Curtis' fellow Iggle teammate, Brian Westbrook both on the field and in this FUFL matchup. This team is averaging over 130 pts per win, and losing opponents are putting up roughly 123 pts against him. This week, a big test against a top 3 team with Jones-Drew out of the lineup. We're predicting the manager will move Williams to the RB spot and put Darrell Jackson into the flex - then cross his fingers around each other twice. However, a good day for his "Usual Suspects" and he'll be bursting through this one like he was at a kid's roller hockey game.

By the way, don't be like Kool-Aid Guy. NEVER serve your own fluids to random children. Even in a glass.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - Bush stepped up as requested but Travis Henry stepped down. The Dogpound lost a close game to Cin City, but had both teams put in their optimal lineup, the Dogpound still would have lost. The Dogpound is averaging over 130 points per game - well above the 113 league average. But like the Plumbers, has not really faced the tough teams at this point. The quick pickup of Steven Jackson's replacement, Brian Leonard, seems like a good one. Keepin in mind that Leonard hasn't proved himself yet - so is it wise to start him just because he's a starter? Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis and Donald Driver are going against good defenses (Baltimore is questionable), but you've got an unknown against a Dallas D that is finally asserting itself and is playing at home. You regretted benching Driver earlier. Me? I regretted benching Minnie Driver. The sheer weight of her gigantic head almost broker her neck. It's like a bowling ball on top of a toothpick, I tell you.

4. Rugs on Valium (WG) - I know, I know. On a two game losing streak, while the Commish is clearly surging. But we're talking about strength of schedule here, and RoV has gone through three of the highest scoring teams in the league. And optimal lineup against optimal lineup, he would have won this week's game. We'll leave it to this week to let the 4 and 5 spots battle it out for supremacy themselves. And right now it doesn't even look close (the Commish has been known to pull things off before, but usually that happens in dark, silent corners of subway bathrooms). The key is to exploit the matchups in this game, which RoV looks to be doing. You could lose this week, but it would take a colossally bad performance to ruin this. We're talking something in the neighborhood of Mike Tyson performing the Vagina Monologues bad here. Man, I love Broadway.

5. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Two games in a row. Like an exotic dancer who doesn't understand I am not, under any circumstances buying her a drink, you just are trying to shove it in my face. This week's bye is proving troublesome, as Portis was just starting to get on a roll. Shaun McDonald in the flex spot is as much a mystery as the flex spot itself. He could be Kevin Curtis from week 3 or he could be Kevin Curtis. Slowly but surely, teams are breaking down Jon Kitna on film and realizing he's basically an older version of Rex Grossman, minus the sexual bravado. Lions receivers numbers will, like your dignity, continue to wither away over the course of time until people have forgotten they even existed. That's what I heard anyway.

Halftime Interesting Facts
Only 4 teams had a higher score in Week 3 than in Week 2.
In Weeks 1 and 3, Cin City had the exact same score - 127.70 (one win, one loss)
One manager's full name also spells: Rank Men in Cab

6. The Pile(d) on Guys (MW) - Looks like this team is ready to emerge from the pile and go back to its winning ways. Projected at a whopping 136, PoG is looking at a cakewalk over Die Nasty to get back to .500 on the season. While that's a nice projection, PoG is only averaging 116 pts per game - a mere 3 pts above league scoring average. Much of that reason is LT is still over-projected every week even though his fantasy production is less than that of Derrick Ward, Clinton Portis, Ronnie Brown, and Joseph Addai to name a few. This week we may see his return, as Kansas City has just been terrible against nimble running games. But San Diego isn't playing KC 12 more times this year, so LT's once reliable production looks less and less like something you wanna hang your hat on. But fear not, bceause midgets are still good for that. You just take a midget or two (stack 'em) and make him keep his arms open wide, and viola - hat rack! You know what, I'm sorry - that's offensive and demeaning. I meant little people. In a related note, I hear they grant you wishes if you shake them.

7. Cin City (BM) - How is a team this good on paper ranked 7th? We think that's gonna change this week and you'll give the Plumbers' their first loss. You have good matchups across the board, and last week was a good demonstration of what your team is capable of even if Manning has an off day (off day = not throwing for 70+ TD's in a quarter). Even in an optimal vs optimal lineup last week, Cin City would have taken out the Dogpound. Opponents are only averaging 89 points against the Plumbers, which speaks to the softness of the leader's schedule up to now. As for yours, your schedule doesn't get any easier until Week 7, but you could put up a nice win streak from then on. Week 5 will be tough with your bye situation and the fact that your other RB's are fighting off injuries. But we're pulling for you Cin City; in that 'we're-not-really-pulling-for-you' kind of way.

8. The Angel Lusters (CL) - Formerly The Nancy Kerrigans, this team has gone from worrying about the many knee problems of its roster to accepting its fate. While there were signs of life this week - all of it from Westbrook - this was probably just a case of angel lust before going into the dark quiet of FUFL oblivion. Which we guess is fine. We're so used to being at the bottom we know exactly how we like the basement set up; where the TV should go, how we like the chairs arranged, and which corner should be used as the bathroom and which should be the Corner of Unending Sadness. Of the bottom three teams, this is the only one putting up an average of over 100 pts per game (105), but the schedule for this team has been a murderer's row - with opponents putting up roughly122 pts per game. The Lusters have yet to put up 122 pts in a game this season. This week's matchup against the OG's looked better last week - but now with Westbrook looking iffy and Javon Walker's knee resembling a grapefruit, this win could be snatched away like Week 3's Kevin Curtis Explosion. Ed Note: If I happened upon Kevin Curtis burning in the street and had a hose primed with water, I would set up a sign next to him that said, "Car Wash and Burning Kevin Curtis - $4!" What can I say, I'm just a natural aunt-re-prenoor or whatever you call it. I'm a businessman, not a fucking frog.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - After the upset of the Pile(d) on Guys, we thought we might see something special happen to the OG's this season. McNabb is certainly paying off, but the rest of your starters are not exactly reliable. Johnson's injury might prove fatal this week, with Watson ready to run in his stead. You might find solace in the fact that you've faced three of the toughest teams in the FUFL, but does that change a thing? It's like that story in the bible about when Jesus, tired and thirsty, happened upon a goat herder whom he asked for some spare milk. The herder explained to Jesus that he would like to give him some, but had barely enough for his wife and infant sons. Jesus looked at the man, and then touched his goat. Immediately the goat swelled with milk and exploded. One by one the entire herd exploded and all of the milk seeped into the ground. Jesus then laid his hand on the herder and said "I forgive you, brother" and then melted his brain. So you see - the herder lost all his milk, but it didn't make a difference because his brain got melted. I think my point is clear. Wanna know something else? In Week 2 you put up 102.70 and this past week you put up 107.20. That's totally spooky; like a ghost story - but of numbers.

10. Die Nasty (CR) - You know what 92 is? It is a depressing age. It is BAC on Saturday nights. It is the number of Devil Dogs Kirstie Alley keeps in her pockets. It is not however, an acceptable average score for the FUFL. How this team is even 1-2 is an unknown. It doesn't bode well that you've been leaving needed points on the bench - and even in that case it's not enough. Along with the OG's Die Nasty has yet to crack the 300 pt mark on the season totals (278) and remains a full 20 pts below league scoring average, and its average loss is 20 pts below the league losing average (104). It reminds me of a phrase that a crazy drifter once told me. Well technically he threw up all over my back, but I think I learned something that day. Anyway, the bad news is that you're at the bottom now. The good news is you are in a great position to fix up the basement for me anticipating my arrival. Please make sure the pillows are properly fluffed up, and that my collection of Highlights for Children is on the coffee table. That Goofus always makes so much trouble for Gallant!

The Mother Flippin'

The Dreamboat's baby is on the cover of OK! Magazine (the only tabloid openly touting its mediocrity right in the title). I think it's cool the little bugger used this auspicious moment to pull that playground-middle finger move:

I know he was born with balls of brass, but I wasn't expecting to see them on display so early. Personally, I am going with a custom designed display that fits both my lighting and musical concepts. I want a laser show that rivals Pink Floyd concerts, but so far its just a flashlight and the original broadway recording of Hello Dolly! Once my wife loans me the jar containing my balls, it'll kick the whole presentation up a notch or two.

Friday, September 21, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power - Week the Second

This week a new stat for dipshits and a child's birthday party gone horribly wrong. Plus there's a job opening in the town of Crapville, and one team can attest to a serious truth: you do NOT fuck with Mr. Snuzzles. Also, some FUFL stuff in there about your team so you can read something about yourself you vain prick.

Image Courtesy of Yahoo!

1. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - The Dogpound jumps to the top from the five spot after dropping the week's high score on a weak-kneed opponent. I've seen street justice knee-cappings more humane than what happened in this game. Palmer threw for 6 TD's and was still the losing QB - his defense fell apart and let a clearly inferior opposition backup QB triumph and bathe in glory. Henceforth, this will be defined as getting "Anderesoned." Tommy Lee and Kid Rock have both experienced this, except they are both bathing in Hepatitis C. Had Palmer a more routine outing, then the game would have been closer, but still a victory. Week 3 sees a close loss, mostly because the Seattle D is so poor against the run (28th) - expect the Bengals to keep the field stretched, but with more reliance on the running game. Driver continues to enjoy frequent looks from Favre in the red zone, and Chris Chambers' numbers were a nice surprise. In this league, decent RB production combined with outstanding WR is a recipe for success. On a related note - a stolen police car, a soothing crack high and a secluded wooded area, mixed with just a pinch of chloroform is a recipe for romance. I'm like the Julia Childs of sexual deviants.

2. Rugs on Valium (WG) - A tough loss in week 2 to one of the few teams that could have withstood the RoV production. This is THE team to beat this year, folks. RoV doesn't rely on one flashy skill player to get it done, and the entire roster is consistently putting up big numbers. Counting points left on the bench and points scored, RoV is posting a whopping 419. The next closest FUFL'er is the Plumbers with 369. The bench is just ridiculous right now, and this is probably the only team that should not make a trade or drop a player for the entire season. While bye weeks are covered nicely, the lone fear for RoV will be injuries: Green, Alexander, Holt, and Jordan have all suffered setbacks in past seasons, limiting their impact. The match-up against the Pile(d) on Guys this week will be a major test, but even with a loss, the next 6 weeks offer a schedule softer than a Democrat's spine.

3. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Just like the 2006 season, this team puts up points. And then more points. And then some points after that. Steve Smith went apeshit with 3 TD's, and Randy Moss - arguably the steal of most fantasy drafts - piled up the TD's again. The Plumber's bench continues to show its depth, making this team a formidable opponent against anyone all season, especially those with tough bye week issues (See week 5). Oh, and Derrick Ward turned in another solid outing. So fuck you in the eye. Week 3 looks like another middle-of-the-pack team for you to walk all over - just like you do to the downtrodden. Only in this instance you can't spit on them. Or can you? The speed of new technology is amazing these days. All I know is that while we're pouring our resources into disease research, upgrading our military, and testing how lab monkeys fight robots, someone better get on my online spitting problem. I've got a good loogie coming on that I don't wanna waste.

4. Cin City (BM) - Once every 85 years, Haley's Comet passes within sight of earth. Not to hyperbolize but that happens more often than Peyton Manning putting up 14 fantasy points. You hitched your wagon to the Colts, and as they go so do you. The problem with this arrangement is that when they shit, it smells up your wagon good and thick. I am reluctant to make a prediction because they always come out wrong/opposite. But whatever, uhhh.... expect a close game against the current power leader, but one you will ultimately lose. Although by me saying that, does it make you more likely to win? But then by saying that have I made you more likely to lose? But now win?! Or Lose?! I just posed this same scenario to that crazypants Criss Angel dude who does MindFreak and it caused him to cancel his show because he's seen it all now. You're welcome.

Kool-Aid Maroney(DP) - Most of your lineup is on the road for Week 3 preventing you from that second win. In Week 2, once again Brady, Gore and Gates delivered, but it wasn't enough over the Commish. This week, the matchups are favorable but not favorable enough! Your trinity alone cannot save you. The Green Bay D will hold Gates and the Pitt D has an answer for Gore. That puts pressure on the likes of Kevin Curtis and Williams to come up big - which isn't impossible, but hardly the situation you want to find yourself in against an opponent you should clearly have your way with. Also, the Fantasy Gods take offense when you name a team for a player you don't have and then proceed to keep said name when you play against the team who does have the player. It's true. It's like one of the ten commandments or something.

This Week in Numbers
Season Average FUFL Winning Score: 119.34
Season Average FUFL Losing Score: 104.41
Completely Average in Every way: Carson Daly

New Stat: Didn't Play, Sucks Huge Testicles (DPSHT)
First off, points left on the bench are not necessarily bad things. They can show how stacked your team is. Mostly though, they result in a lot of second guessing by managers who realize the outcome of their game would have been different if Player X had been in the lineup and not on the sidelines. In order to address this, YFTS has come up with a stat: the DPSHT %. It is caluclated thusly: Total Pts left on bench/Total Pts accumulated. This should (roughly) show which managers are making the best decisions when it comes to their lineup. The lower the percentage, the better you are. Right now, Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) has the lowest percentage at 19%, followed by The Nancy Kerrigans (21%) and the Dogpound (22%). I could be way off base here - I meant to just post optimal lineup minus actual lineup, but StatTracker doesn't have a history. Maybe that will happen going forward. Maybe it won't. Whatever - I'm the first to admit I'm bad with numbers. For example, I've totally lost count of how many supermodels I banged. Last night.


6. The Pile(d) On Guys (MW) - The Curse of the OG's is remarkable to watch. The OG's could start a fight with a widdle baby bunny wabbit and come away bruised, broken, and covered in wounds. But they are like PoG Kryptonite. Or it might have had something to do with New England owning LT2 and the Chargers again. When is LT gonna be the LT we all know? The answer? Not this week: The Green Bay D has made its case the first two weeks, and Lambeau Field is friendly territory - in both weather and in fans - to the Packers, not so much those classy boys from San Diego. Take note: The other team that has a bunch of back up RB's on its bench is campaigning for Mayor of Craptville. You cannot sit around waiting for others to die off in the FUFL. Good news though, there is an opening for Town Manager in Crapville. And you seem interested. We're calling this one: Rugs by 11.5 (Sorry Rugs, now you're fucked. OR ARE YOU???!!!!!).
The OG's caution you not to underestimate Mr. Snuzzles.

7. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Finally, a Surge that can show measurable results: A 52 point improvement between Week 1 and Week 2. A win over the OG's would catapult you in power rankings, but right now your total lineup points are too low, and you are the owner of the second highest DPSHT rating: 35%. Yowza. And if you lose to the OG's this week, well then Mr. Snuzzles is just the beginning of your worries. Kitna, even with divine intervention is showing his Kitna-itis (4 TD's 3 INT's), Colston is a ghost, and with the rest of your squad (except for Johnson and Parker) you never know what the hell will happen. Johnson did his best Steve Smith impression, pulling in two scores and would have been a frequent target in the Houston/Indy Texas Throwdown (NOTE: I want credit if ESPN uses that phrase, btw). We're pulling for you Commish - mostly because we like your falls from grace to be real gut punchers. If your team stays in the basement, then it's no fun for anyone. The most amazing stat? In 115 dreams, not one woman makes an appearance. Huh. Go Figure.

Die Nasty (CR) - Like pogo balls, slinkys, American Girl dolls, and pet rocks - some things never go out of style. In this case, good old fashioned winning out of spite. Picked by none to beat Cin City in Week 2, The Nasty managed to pull off the upset and make its case for consideration. But while my life is mostly full of upset, your FUFL season is a more predictable average of 105-112 pts and more losses than wins. That will be evident this week as the Plumbers clean your pipes so thoroughly you can see your reflection in your ass. I don't even know what that means, that's how clean it will be. There's a good chance for a shootout in Houston, but the rest of your production doesn't rise to the level of impressing anyone. Which oddly enough is exactly what that stripper said to me yesterday. Well, I think it was a stripper - I was at a kid's birthday party, and she was dressed as a clown, and did lots of juggling acts, and so I took my pants off. People seemed shocked, but I figured it was because someone invited a stripper to a child's birthday party! Won't someone please think of the children?

9. The Nancy Kerrigans (CL) - One more knee injury. One more. We fucking triple dog dare you pieces of shit. You know what? Fuck it. Sammy Morris is in. Fuck.

10. Orginal Gangstas (RM) - Yeah, you've taken the lion's share of digs in this week's power rankings, but look on the bright side, at least Rudi Johnson did some stuff in Week 2. So you've got that going for you. I think you are capable of taking down the Commish's team this week, but this McNabb/Philly thing you've got going is making everyone uncomfortable. It's like when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time and you had a bad falling out, but that was years ago. And also they're covered in poisonous cobras. You know, it's uncomfortable.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power - Weak One.

The FUFL season is in full gear and that means Rankings of Power. This week we've got an unlikely winner of the More Idiot Than Savant Award, a halftime showstopper, and a way to stop those demon voices you've been hearing. Plus a preview of the Commissioner's dietary habits.

Image Source: Yahoo!
1. Rugs on Valium (WG) - Great Googly-Moogly. Carried to victory by Tony Romo's outstanding night, Rugs on Valium (RoV) pulled off this season's first true upset against a stacked Cin City. Even without Romo, the depth of this team is... uhh.. deep. Week 1's production will need to repeat as this team goes through the best teams in the FUFL early in the season - determining if you make the playoffs this year after enjoying FUFL obscurity the past years. Besides dominating the standings, RoV pulled off one of the most difficult things to do in all of Fantasy Sports: secure a monster win and still be the owner of this week's More Idiot than Savant Award. RoV left an astounding 74 points on the bench (more than the Kool-Aid v Pile On matchup combined). In Week 1, not one member of this team scored less than 7 pts - including the bench. That's impressive. Like my wang.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - To be honest, you should be washing Plaxico Burress' ass. Hell you should be waxing it and buffing it every hour on the hour and put it prominently on display in your home. Antonio Gates also put on quite a show and probably deserves to have his posterior polished in some sort of way. And judging by this pile of legal injunctions and cease-and-desist orders, Frank Gore and Tom Brady aren't into that kind of thing so don't bother asking. The real question is if this team has the kind of staying power to keep it an FUFL leader. It's built like a playoff team, but not a championship team - if only because of how streaky the rest of its players are. However, you won't be suffering a crippling bye week this season and will be poised to exploit other teams' vulnerability. As a former political operative, that should come easy to you. As a Republican, you will also enjoy it.

3. Cin City (BM) - I think instead of a projecting a number for Manning, it should just read, "a jillion." That would be more accurate. With a stud performance from Addai, this team will live and die with the Colts but that's probably OK by them. Although according to a poll of my neighborhood vagrants, It's not as good as living and dying by Colt 45, which "makes the killing voices yell softer." After putting up monster numbers Thursday night, it was thought impossible anything could happen between then and Tuesday morning that would earn you a loss. Perhaps next week you will start Ronald "Runs right thru ya" Curry when you face another formidable opponent in Die Nasty. You're going to need some extra points as Manning will be partially handcuffed by Die Nasty's #1 WR.
Makes the Killing Voices Yell Softer.
And gets you drunk too.

4. The Pile On Guys (MW) - There's no other way to describe it: This team got piled on. And on and on and on. What seemed like a sure thing disappeared faster than Lance Briggs from a crime scene. Only difference here is that you can't get up and walk away from crashing your vehicle. The stunning performance by the Minnesota D kept you in this, but pedestrian efforts by the Bulge and Vernon Davis kept you shy of the few points you needed. You're looking good for Week 2, but Week 3 will spot you against the current points leader while your skill players are all on the road. Perhaps the Pile On Guys should stop expecting to be handed wins because of his first draft pick and instead bear down and claim the mantle of greatness. Like when I decided that there could only be one true ring-bearer, and seized the cherry Ring Pop from that 4th grader. It looks like a giant ruby! I got so much tail that day. I mean... uhh greatness. I got so much greatness that day. Especially in my kitchen.

5. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This week's score was good enough to beat the majority of FUFL teams, and will continue to be as long as Cincinnati keeps winning. Week 2 should see the same production as Cincy goes against Cleveland, so perhaps your opponent will try some desperate moves (like starting Brady Quinn) or just be lulled into a completely unsubstantiated confidence that this is the week Maroney peels off a few 50 yarders. Either way, the Week 2 victory will be less about who performs well, as it will be who choked. You may peel off a win this week, but weeks 3, 4, and especially 5 all look like they are going in the loss column. But this week was pretty good, so maybe that will be the happy memory that sustains you through a rough patch. My happy memory? The time I romanced Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Simpson (also known as Jessic-A-Trois 2004) while surrounded by televisions that replayed the Red Sox historic comeback against the Yankees, and then won the lottery seven separate times the next morning. But hey, you won a fantasy football game that one time. Good for you.


This week: Facts that May Only Interest Peter King But Are So Desperately Meant to Also Interest Me:
  • In the FUFL, The Vick-themed team count is down to one.
  • At the time of this posting, Houston, Cincinnati, and Indy - all defenses that gained 20+ points - are still on the board.
  • The Definition of "Douche" is in the eye of the beholder. Who apparently is a douche.
  • I saw a guy on the street this rainy morning - all wet with no umbrella. Bet Norv Turner knows that feeling.
  • Somebody get that guy an umbrella.

And: Video of the Week that makes me uncomfortable

6. stop nagging me now (MS) - Now that you've been thoroughly disturbed by that gorilla playing drums, perhaps you are ready to look at your RB corps from this week. Stephen Jackson's line: 58 yards for 18 carries with two fumbles against the Carolina Defense. Cedric Benson's line: 49 yards on 19 carries. These are lines even a coke fiend wouldn't touch. The good news is that Randy Moss is still very much Randy Moss, and Marshawn Lynch showed real durability. This team will surely rise in the rankings, with a decent schedule ahead and no terrible bye week disaster looming. The recent addition of the Giants backup RB should be a good addition to your team at the expense of the dumbass who drafted Jacobs. That reminds me - fuck you in the ear.

7. Die Nasty (CR) - Not exactly an auspicious beginning to a dynasty, was it? You failed to break 100pts - which is almost always a must in this league, and managed to bench two of your top performers. What's odd is that most of your starters come from really shitty teams. They are excellent players, sure, but Ten, Ari, Was, Det (I still say they will suck it this season like a Hilton on a dare) - these are not elite sqauds. Perhaps Cooley will get worked into the offense more, but this is going to be the team that requires the most on-the-fly rebuilding. But don't worry, dear Treasurer. At least you're fucked in Week 8.

8. The Caged Bengal (CL) - The only team to score under 100pts and get a win. This team had wrapped up before the Sun night games. Everything after that was just gravy. Lucky for this team was that both receivers went over 100 yds with scores; Wayne's multiple TD's and Javon Walker's inspired playing because a guy died in his arms. By that logic, I should be the best football player alive, because so many men have died in my arms. My hugs are lethal, you see. Before the Delicate Giant that is Brandon Jacobs went down, this week's biggest disappointment was Crumpler, which in turn means Joey Harrington. There is hope that Maroney got more touches than an alter boy even if he couldn't gain more than 72 yds against the Jets run defense. That reminds me, which is a worse sign: that Heath Evans got the goal line touches or that Brandon Jacobs is already injured? You may pull the forks from your eyes before answering.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - There is nothing original about getting spanked like a naughty boy. It's actually quite common and sometimes necessary according to Senator Larry Craig. The McNabb-Brown combo - while fulfilling your duties to have a Philly Combo - is 100% stale, moldy, and might have some mouse turd on it. You are in the unenviable position of needing everyone to meet their Yahoo! projections just to stay competitive. Next week you are ripe for a pummeling from the Pile on Guys, and a shrewd trade or two is needed to save your season already. So OG's whatchoo gon' do? You gon' play the game or get played? You out there grindin' and doing what you do, and then you get got by the little bitch who almost didn't even step up until the last second? And next week, sucka gon' jus' pop yo ass in street in front of your crew. Muthafucka gotta represent or step aside. In related news, I am so so so so white. Like porcelain really.

10. Xian's 115th Dream (CJ):
Owner of the other biggest combo bust: Colston & Rivers combined did not put up even a combined 10 pts. And you managed to leave over 60 pts on the bench. The good news is, this team looks like it has the kind of week to week consistency that outlasts other teams' injuries (except Portis of course) and wins FUFL championships. So there. You finally have another kind of consistency to be proud of. Please stop sending daily pictures of your morning dump. We get it, you like corn. The bad news is your schedule totally blows. So if Week 1 isn't a good showcase of your strength, what does Week 2 offer? Outlook not so good. Your new starting QB, premier WR, TE, and two of your RB's are going against good defenses, while your Kicker's offense can't even get into field goal range. Your opponent's team has an easier schedule next week, so we're predicting an 0-2 start before things get going. Through week 5 this team will be 1-4, and have its pants full of corn.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Brandon Jacobs is Delicate

Things More Durable than Brandon Jacobs

Tupperware (generic or brand name)
The knees of my 80+ year old grandmother-in-law
A wildflower in a hurricane
A stripper's self-image

Friday, September 07, 2007

NFL season picks

I was asked for my NFL predictions by the crew at Hugging Harold Reynolds, and in 10 minutes time, I put together this list. I'm not making excuses, I'm bragging.

(division winners marked with *)

NFC North

*Bears - Purely because of their D.

- Brett will be on fumes this year, I'd rather be running on premium fumes than regular gas. It's the difference between a guinness fart and and a taco bell fart.

- A Taco Bell fart that leaves a purple stripe.

- This is Jon Fucking Kitna's team, and he's taking it the only place he feels safe from the storm: the cellar.

NFC East

*Eagles - McNabb doesn't even need the leg he's rehabbing. He'll probably just break it off midway through the season and jam a metal pipe in there or something. He's bionic.

The Team Tony Romo is On
- Because according to everyone, he's the only person worth mentioning.

- This feels about right.

- Brandon Jacobs is gonna make every fantasy owner cry. He was good at taking goal line touches. But he never really worked to get to the goal line, did he?

NFC South

*Saints – They are just too good. Update: not for the Colts, though.

– Will randomly be better for no good reason. The part of No Good Reason will be played by Jeff Garcia.

– They keep slipping a little every year.

– Somewhere, Joey Harrington is looking at a playbook and thinking, "where's that INT route I was so good at?"

NFC West

*49ers – This feels weird.

– Stephen and the Bulge should be a buddy comedy.

– Shaun Alexander will only be disappointing whatever clown drafted him. The rest of us knew better, right?

– Matt Leinert will be just as good a father as he is a starting QB.

AFC North

Bengals – I think I hate every team in this division. So fine, uhhh Bengals will win.

– Back to form, but not their year. Steely McBeam is responsible.

– I am so unsold on this team.

– The Frye Era will be terrible – all 2.5 weeks of it. Enter Brady the Lady Quinn.

AFC East

*Patriots – They are magical.

– Crazy pick here, but I gotta feeling. Plus I need to separate myself from my peers.

– Not a great situation at any major starting position.

– Losman, dude. He's studying with Harrington I bet.

AFC South

*The Team with that Manning Guy on it – I can't remember his name, but I heard a reference to a monkey off his back or something. I'll just guess that I was told Manning got off on a monkey riding bareback. I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear.

– Rawwwr!

Think the QB will have wished he stayed in Atlanta just one more year?

– leaking oil. Vince Young can't scramble on every play, can he?

AFC West

*Broncos – Always have a ridiculous smaller running back who gains 1,000+ yds

– LT and Rivers both great, but who else is?

– Awkward Silence Goes Here. Awkward Silence then bitch slapped by Herm Edwards.

– Culpepper to Moss almost happened again if the receiver hadn't left to the Pats. It would be like watching my grandparents play catch. Old people are funny sometimes. "Give me back my teeth!" they yell. They're so precious.


Wildcard: Chargers, Steelers, Packers, Rams

Conference Winners: Pats (Over Broncs), Saints (Over Eagles)


And Tom Brady celebrates by getting everyone pregnant.

Cross posted at Hugging Harold Reynolds