Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Oh God, It's Contagious

You know how I celebrate an inside the park home run? You guessed it: fighting off sexy assassins with my smoldering eyes and expensive french champagne while saving struggling democracies from evildoers. But that looks like an afternoon with an easy bake oven compared to Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. No, after a inside roundtrippa, that hard ass muthafucka starts a blog, son.

Ummm. Yeah.

I have mentioned before that I am a fan of Schilling's blog, 38 pitches. But somehow, Youk's writing style lacks Schill's in depth pitch-by-pitch analysis, and the kind of historical persepctive gained by 19 or 20 years in the bigs. Youk leans more towards the banal 'dude, that chick is hot' dialect.

Dustin Pedroia, pictured here below, thinks he’s faster than me but I think we put that to rest last night with the inside-the-park home run, too. He’s just not as fast as me.
He hyperlinks to his own team! To other player's names! 38pitches is one thing, but this might be too much. Sadly, it's not as core as Carl Pavano's blog, but at least it's not Manny's blog (which I secretly suspect is this one).

Let me say here and now, I am a Kevin Youkilis fan. Ever since I met him at a Volkswagen dealership in Westborough, MA and he signed a photo for my sister in Ethiopia, I've been a fan. I will reserve further judgment for now, and let him find his legs. He may have a lot to offer the blogging world. As a friend recently said, "I'd like to see him opine on God, GOP politics, and Curt Schilling's grit....and his beard. I want to know EVERYTHING about that man's beard."

The best part about the whole experience? He actually asked
how to spell, 'Liz.' Not Ethiopia... No... 'Liz'.

Ed Note: Suggested blog name? KEEEEVVVIIIINNNNN!!!

* Unless he's doing a lot of roids. I'm no doctor, but it's medical fact he's got a raging case of roid-beard.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Brief Playoff Updates

Basketball: I hate watching basketball. It's a bunch of dudes who seem incapable of staying on their feet against even the slightest wind (cheerleader fart?), but outside of the game try and claim street cred as a tough and thugged out playa. Please. Stop. Trying. To. Draw. Fouls. If you all were really that incapable of staying upright, then there should constantly be YouTube's of pro NBA athletes getting knocked around on busy sidewalks, writhing on the ground. This would be awesome by the way.

For that reason alone I don't watch basketball at all, much less the playoffs. But I can bet they looked something like this:

Hockey: what's a hockey?

I like to think this goes against the conventional wisdom of a clock in sports making a game more exciting or fun to watch. Baseball - no clock, Golf - no clock. And football gives the finger to the clock by having one, and then making 15 minutes last for an hour. Eff you time. Eff you right in the A.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Great Moments in Air Guitar Sportscasting

I thought of not posting this video because I object to the very existence of NESN. But I am a student of dance, of culture, and of course potential injury.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I'm Gonna Hit That Flex Spot, Baby

So Devin "100 Speed" Hester is going to switch to offense for the Chicago Bears next season. When reached for comment, several NFC defenses shat themselves en masse. ESPN has the story:

"I think Devin Hester is one of the most exciting players in the NFL with his hands on the football," Smith said. "I think he would be an excellent defensive back also. We just feel that this is in the best interest of us and him for him to achieve his full potential as a football player."

The Bears plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season. Hester will work with the wide receivers at minicamp and will also line up in the backfield at times.

"It's going to be a great experience," Hester said. "I'm just going to go over there and try to give a little spark to the offense. There will be more opportunities to make big plays and I think it's a great idea."

Smith said he is anxious to see what Hester's best fit will be. In the early going, Smith said Hester could be valuable as a running back, slot receiver or even as a single receiver in their two-tight end, two-running back packages.

Holy Crap. This is the ultimate flex player for any fantasy team this season. A WR/RB who may even still return kicks. I think I need to change my pants. I think I need to change your pants. I have said in the past I would consider drafting a kicker in the first or second round this year, based on the fact that (I drink a lot?) many of them eventually rack up more fantasy points than some 2nd tier RB's, but now.... Hester is a legitimate 3rd round gamble that could seriously pay off. And not like a 'Remember when the Redskins used Chris Cooley as a TE/RB?' thing. That designation alone saved my season two years ago. Then they moved him to just TE, and he defecated all over my team for 8 weeks.
When shown a preview of Devin Hester's backside,
NFC defenses asked, "There's a frontside?"

The best part is, Hester is going to have a running start going at the endzone from now on, with fewer players in front of him. He'll be unstoppable. But then again, it's the NFC - a bunch of fuzzy bunnies released from their cages will still put up 17 against teams like Minnesota and Detroit.

All in all, this whole scenario reminds me of the time I had to oil wrestle all of those sexy, chesty supermodels nonstop for 3 days in order to save the world with my chiseled abs. Why am I reminded of that? Because I haven't stopped thinking about anything else since. You could throw a baby panda off of a rooftop and it would still stir happy recollections of those fateful 72 hours. I don't mean to brag here, but I am a god among men.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dancing is a Sport

Holy mother of... wait, did that little tyke just do a full backflip? That's pure raw talent right there, that's what that is. When I get kicked in the face, I usually cry and piss myself*. This kid does a backflip. Show off.

*Or did I get kicked in the face when I was already crying and had pissed myself? Either way, those ladies outside that Ann Taylor Loft had no reason to pepper spray me a second time. I was gonna give them their purses back, I swear.

Ed Note: Yes, this site has gone video heavy the last few days. Maybe football will magically come back months earlier. Or maybe you will just become as accustomed to my sloth as I have.

Monday, May 14, 2007

These Are Indeed Strange Times

Brett Favre throws a tantrum and demands a trade, while T.O. shows up to minicamp, works his ass off, and then says to reporters, "I have nothing to talk about."

Ummm, clearly I've eaten some rancid meat or something, so I'm just gonna sit here and stab my leg until things go back to normal.

Why Goalies Never Get Chicks


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

NFL Draft Analysis: Oakland Raiders

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and stats-obsessed MW offers his reaction to the Raiders draft. His words below:

So who do you select for the team that needs everything? Well, why not start with the franchise quarterback. I think the Raiders did the right thing in selecting JaMarcus Russell, even though the can't miss prospect was Calvin Johnson. Enough with the ninny WRs, let's get some big dogs in with some bark. Russell is a baller and always has been, and I think he will help bring the franchise back to respectability.

As far as the remainder of the draft is concerned, I am somewhat discouraged and think that Al Davis must select players solely based on 40 [yard dash] times. He's obsessed with speed. Johnnie Lee Higgins and John Bowie were the fastest guys available in Rounds 3 and 4, respectively, so he drafted them. That Bowie pick was awful. Kiper had him rated as about the 900th best player in this year's class. But it wouldn't be a Raider draft if a WR and a CB was not selected, regardless of need.
Al Davis is obsessed with speed alright.
Let's be honest: Keanu Reeves' acting is like crack,
only stronger and filled with steeley handsomeness.
No you're gay. No YOU are.

I love the Michael Bush pick. I think he pays huge dividends in 2008, as we see Rhodes and Jordan battle for their careers in 2007. Pre-injury, Michael Bush was a no-brainer 1st Round talent. As long as his leg heals properly, and the Raiders ease him back into the game, he should have a fine career starting in '08. Not sure what they were thinking taking the TE in the 2nd Round, though.

That questionable pick in such pricey territory lends to an overall grade of a B-.

Ed Note: You may wonder what I've been doing the last few days, and why I'm getting other people to write for this site. All I can say is, if you were as lazy as I am, you would too.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

NFL Draft Analysis: Pittsburgh Steelers

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and Jim-Steele-impersonator CJ offers his reaction to the Steelers draft. His words below:

Date: Tue, 1 May 2007 13:35:19
From: CJ
To: Editor, Your Fantasy Team Sucks
Subject: RE: The French

mixed reaction to steelers draft. the TE pick is odd and folks wanted Tony Hunt there. I think it's a decent, safe draft.
Steelers Draft Fever: Catch it!

Well there you have it. A die-hard Steelers fan sends his insightful, creative, and well thought-out draft reaction. Bravo, Steelers fan. Bravo. Looking forward to this kind of enthusiasm all season.

Readers might wonder if CJ is already waving the white flag by writing this under the subject line "Re: the French". And reader CJ might have a legitimate argument that his response was taken entirely out of context. Might, might, might, might. According to my new parole officer, we (I) don't live in a world of mights anymore. We live in a world where I definitely assaulted that mime.

NFL Draft Analysis: Green Bay Packers

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and competitive-mustache-grower BM offers his reaction to the Packers draft. His words below:

Your offensive line is MAULING their defensive line. You survived a first half in which you had three STUPID turnovers, and you’re marching down the field, and dominating. Run left for 16. Run up the middle for 9. Short pass for 11, to keep them honest. Run left for 10, down to the 1.

Flashback to the first half, you ran a slant inside the five which your aging gunslinger QB impaled his WR in double coverage for a TD.

First and goal from the one. The previous three running plays just netted you 35 yards. So what do you do, hotshot? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!!?!?

Slant right to Driver, intercepted and returned 76 yards.

There you have it ladies and germs, how the Green Bay Packers kept themselves out of the playoffs last year. They dominated the Bills, McGahee got injured in the first quarter, and Losman was having a dreadful day (sound familiar Bills fans?) against the Pack’s decimated secondary before a blown coverage saw Hollywood Lee get behind them for six to take a 17-10 lead in the fourth. But this drive was our answer, and then, it was over; the season looked hopeless. Classic case of a rookie coach looking lost out there.

And when things dropped to 4-8, your only chance is to look forward to getting a giant JOHNSON in the draft, and then they went ahead and fucked that up to, winning four in a row, and ending up picking 16th. However, strangely enough, this young team showed some serious improvement those last 4 weeks, leaving you with at least some hope. A strong draft and who knows what could happen.

So what did we need? ACHHHHHHMAN left us high and dry, but he’s sort of running like an AT-AT these days, and Vernand Morency looked a lot more dangerous and is only pushing 25. But he can’t seem to stay healthy. Bubba supported our troops so fervently last year that he actually donated his hands to someone who lost his looking for IEDs. It would be nice to have a receiving corps that didn’t have to rely on Rod Gardner in the last two years because they’ve been about as durable as Sam Jackson in “Unbreakable.” On the other side of the ball, what can you possibly say about Marquand Manuel that rigor mortis can’t be used to describe.

A YFTS Exclusive: Ahman Green's latest X-Ray. Enjoy, Texans

So at pick 12, Marshawn “I do rape” Lynch gets drafted. While I’ve never necessarily agreed with his preferred method of achieving climax, I do like the way he hits the hole hard. But I do rejoice for all the fat women in Green Bay who are now a little safer, and the consolation is we can still give Mr. Favre (I respect my elders) a valuable weapon either at receiver (Robert Meachum looks niiiiiiiiiice) or at tight end (Ben Olson’s got jets, and more importantly, hands to go with them).

So Goo Goo-dell steps to the podium and tells me they just picked Justin Harrell?!?!?!?!? WHO?!?!?!??!?! So let me get this straight. EVERYONE knows you need help on OFFENSE for a change, and you go DEFENSE?!?!?! What the fuck!!!!!!! Look, I can see why we wouldn’t want to bring back a White End after Chewy started crashing prom parties, but could we PLEASE get SOMEBODY on offense that can stay healthy besides Favre and Driver? Fortunately, now we have the most depth in the league at defensive tackle, coming in at a Baker’s Dozen. Oh yeah, and he has the injury proclivity to fit in with our receiving corps.

But here's the thing. Everybody says how great a GM Ron Wolf was, but he was very mediocre in the first round. Remember Jamal Reynolds? Antuan Edwards? John Michels? Of course you don't, but I sure as hell do. Ted Thompson from 2000-2004 with Seattle took Alexander, Koren (out of jail finally, sipping his dry martini's on I-43 south, around Sheboygan probably), Steve Hutchinson, Jerramy Stevens, and The Marcuses (Trufant and Tubbs). All of them, save Koren, were starters on the Super Bowl XL team.

Seattle 's starting DT also fights crime.

But therein lies the problem with evaluating any Packers draft as a fan…..every one of us wants to see Favre get back to the Super Bowl. We inherently believe there has to be an Elway-esque ending for him, if only because his legendary curtain call began AGAINST us in a game we were favored to win by two touchdowns. This is like 10 years of trauma here; the NFL owes him another ring. But now we’ve got all this cap space, and no fucking Moss to throw to, and I’m feeling like Teddy KGB, “Veeeeeeeery Unsyateeeeesfyed.” But if A-Rodg pans out – more like if Brett ever allows us to find out if A-Rodg pans out – we could be dangerous in a few years. There’s the rub (Marshawn, take notes).

Overall: C