Monday, July 23, 2007

Javelin is Stab-tastic

This video reminds me of the time I threw a javelin and hit a guy.

Add Javelin to the list of sports where spectators are in danger. Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia each hit a spectator yesterday. But I give golf fans a pass because a tiny ball is hard to see against the sky, and most golf fans are like 75 years old. But Javelin? If you are looking the other way, you deserve to get a lung punctured. And if you're gonna get hit, put some damn shoes on. You look ridiculous.

It shouldn't matter what the sport is. As a fan you have a responsibility. For example, if you are at a bullfight, get out of the way when the bull jumps into the crowd, but don't lose your beer. Common sense, people.

BustedPlay - which I didn't know existed until today.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

In an Mmmbop You're Gone, Embarassed

While I never suggested I could do it better, Grimey over at LOLjocks posted one by yours truly.

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Tony Romo makes me all fortissimo in my pants.

The whole post is good, but I take issue with him calling mmmbop a 'crappy pop ballad'. It was a peppy song, as I remember. Plus those three Hanson chicks were totally hot. I still trade their pictures online. Did you know there's this whole big international ring of dudes who want pictures like that? I'd tell you who they are, but for some reason they want to keep it a big secret. Probably to keep wieners like you out.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Indictment =Joey Harrington.

Mike Vick indicted. A picture says a thousand words.

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...or 1,001 if you count the word on the picture.

If I'm the Falcons and facing the prospect of Joey Harrington helming the team, I'd start making calls to see what our other options are. Personally, I'd take that German baby polar bear for backup QB over Harrington. It'd have a better completion percentage, fewer INT's, and when it craps all over the place like Joey-Boy would anyway, the whole stadium will just clap and say "Awwwwwwwwwwwww!"

That baby polar bear is gonna get so much cheerleader ass, I'm telling you.

via Grimey's LOLjocks. Check it out.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Best Birthday Present Ever

If I'm Tom Brady, and I am (in a way*), then I probably want to downplay the whole, My-hot-literate-ex-girlfriend-is-gonna-have-my-shorty story whenever I can. That's going to be tough, seeing that it looks like his first kid is going to come out from under center on the same day his baby is born:

ALL'S not well with Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. While the two have put up a happy front for the cameras - and his family is even said to be flying out to Italy to spend time at the villa in Rome she recently acquired - our spies say Bundchen is upset that Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, is due to give birth to Brady's son on Friday - Bundchen's birthday. The tension has grown so intense that the couple fought openly in front of hotel guests in Napa while staying at the five-star Auberge du Soleil.
Man, that is some shitty luck. Who knows, maybe he can make the best of it. Maybe when the baby comes out he can quickly put a bow on the little tyke and be like, "Hey Gisele, I got you this new baby for your birthday! Happy Birthday sweetie! You said you always wanted one!" And then when she's not looking, replace it with a puppy. She probably won't even know the difference.

For a more intimate view of the whole thing, perhaps you should just go straight to the source, cause the baby's got a blog.
In the end though, we will share a day of birth - an important day for each of us that acknowledges our entrance to the human world and into circumstances that define who we are and who we are to become. It is a singular association that cannot be erased, like the scar upon young Harry Potter's head that forever connects him to the evil Lord Voldemort. Only in this case, Voldemort is a rapidly aging, uneducated and emaciated Brazilian minx, who breathes through her mouth and is likely mentally handicapped. Seriously, she would bust out a booty-dance when Taps is played at a military funeral. Oh zeez hoarns! Oh how zey cauz me to wiggle ze boom-boom!
I like this kid.

*I am Tom Brady in the way that I am also Enid Fellsworth and Morris Ackerman - straight up identity theft.

Friday, July 13, 2007

A Three Hour Tour

After sending profane text messages to his girlfriend, Bears LB and Paris Hilton vector Brian Urlacher has been ordered to a three hour parenthood class:

A judge has ordered Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and the mother of his toddler to take a three-hour parenting class. Urlacher and his ex-girlfriend, Tyna Robertson, are in a legal battle over Urlacher's parental visits with his 2-year-old son, Kennedy.

I can't imagine what this class will be like. They'll probably just show the Steve Martin movie Parenthood - but with a runtime of only 125 minutes I'm not sure what they'd do for the balance of the class. Although.... maybe it takes longer because you have to stop it so many times due to sustained and uncontrollable laughter (It's Keanu Reeve's best work).

Other suggested topics:
  • Why you shouldn't shoot each other in front of the child
  • Strategies from removing your son's head from the oven (how does he get in there!?)
  • Slapping does not equal Hugging
  • How this is all Rex Grossman's fault
But seriously folks, three hours? That's it? Feral Dogs spend more time learning to care for their young. I haven't been this disappointed in a judge since I had to surrender my "World's Most Flawless Body" crown because my eyes were ruled to be 'performance enhancers'. They sparkle like a bejeweled sea, full of hidden vulnerability and a mysterious, sexy past you know.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

There's a Reason They Give it Away

USA Today - a popular newspaper whose readership includes the illiterate, Pluggers (seriously, what the eff are these things), and business travelers who accidentally step on it while leaving their hotel room provide a Power Ranking of all 32 NFL teams. I am in the midst of putting one together myself, but may as well crap all over theirs. I'm out of TP anyway.*

UPDATE: Blogger hates this picture. Click it and it should direct you there. Or don't and go back to whatever you were doing before. That corner isn't gonna cry in itself.

*Editors Note: Fun Fact: If you wander around your neighborhood late at night covered head to toe in toilet paper and emitting low moans, women will still mace you. Also, mummies don't get chicks.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

FUFL Chatroom: Everyone's a Cheater

***You Have Entered the FUFL Chatroom***

Ok Commish, how are we going to cheat this year? Unfair Trades? Have we gotten our orders?

Not yet. The checks haven't cleared. I'm thinking we'll form another secret alliance, and with any luck we'll be 4th & 6th again.

Dynamic_POV(ia): I'm in. I've had a good run the past few years, but I love this cheating. It's a Jersey thing. Have I ever mentioned I'm from Jersey?

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: Really? I wouldn't have guessed. But seriously I'm thinking... Oh Shit. Here they come.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Who? The rest of them? Damn.... OK OK. Be cool. Be Cool. --- Quick Hide behind this.

***Dynamic_POV(ia) & Onwrd_XianSoldiers have hidden behind a curtain***

***/The rest of the FUFL League Has Joined the Chat***

WaiverWear_er: Alright guys, I'm thinking we gotta form some sort of alliance against the Commish and his cheating partner. We all know their trades are bullshit, so let's get proactive on this. I'm thinking we shoot one or both in the head, execution style. Thoughts?

EPAhole: Didn't you win last year?

WaiverWear_er: Well yeah... I went 11-3 and totally owned. But that's not the point.

CoolHandLucas: Something smells bad here. Like the Jersey Turnpike or something.... But mixed with a special self-loathing... it's weird. I swear I've smelled it before.

stffd_this_weaver_myslf: I smell rats. Both of you did well last year. And one of you went from shithouse to runner-up in a single season. That's not right.

EPAhole: Uhhhhhh....

TheOhGeez: Both of you are busted. And the Treasurer did well too! He benefitted from the shenanigans!

BuriedTreasurer: Fuck.

WaiverWear_er: Wait? You both paid them off too?

EPAhole: The President of the United States has requested I not answer that question.

BuriedTreasurer: I did it with collected dues. I'm running some pyramid schemes on the side that aren't working out anymore...

CoolHandLucas: Well who else did? Fess the fuck up, assbags. And what the FUCK is that smell? It's like Newark mixed with Pittsburgh!

TheOhGeez: Fine. I paid them.

AHIPsBM: Me too.

Shit. I paid them off as well. The pressure of a bad website was getting to me.

Guilty as charged. But I did it for my daughter. I got roped into a bad pyramid scheme and... things aren't going so good. We may have lost everything. I'm drinking a lot of cough syrup lately. The CVS brand, if you can believe that.

***The FUFL chatroom has gone eerliy silent***

BuriedTreasurer: Uhhhhhh.... wait a second, what's behind the curtain?!

***BuriedTreasurer has pulled back the curtain to reveal Dynamic_POV(ia) & Onwrd_XianSoldiers***

CoolHandLucas: You guys are dicks.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Hey what's up everyone! I was just talkin' to the Commish here about...uh...

EPAhole: Dude... Just don't say... Anything...

TheOhGeez: So you took us all for a ride. Well played, assclowns.

MyShipRunszaGround: My world.. it crumbles like a stale sandwich.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Don't blame me. Blame my New Jersey heritage.

CoolHandLucas: Damn. He's right.

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: And I think I've made it pretty clear over the years that I don't like any of you.

AHIPsBM: That's true. He shoves me at work. One time he broke my clavicle. No one fucks with him.

BuriedTreasurer: OK - as the financial steward of the league, I suggest we forget what happened in the past, and up the contribution to $50 with the extra $15 each going to the Commish and POV in return for either not cheating at all or cheating on behalf of everyone.

stffd_this_weaver_myslf: Sounds Good.

AHIPsBM: Works for me.

CoolHandLucas: Whatever. Sure.

MyShipRunszaGround: We've resorted to eating feral dogs I kill with my hands.

EPAhole: Sounds dodgy. I'm in. With taxpayer dollars of course.

WaiverWear_er: Fine. I'll just have to fall back on my special mix of 10 statistical analysis programs I bought for $50 each, which are then drilled down via an ouija board, and finally verified by drowning potential witches to see if they float. I'll still beat all of your asses.

BuriedTreasurer: Then it's agreed. Glad that's all fixed. Until August then gentlemen.

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: This meeting is adjourned.

BuriedTreasurer: Runza - find me offline. I may have an investment opportunity for you.

MyShipRunszaGround: I told you, I'm not selling my daughter.

Friday, July 06, 2007

100th Post Spectacular

What you are reading is YFTS's 100th post. I know this cause blogger tells me so. I was gonna do something for the 4th of July, but it's my inalienable right to make no efforts beyond swallowing cheeseburgers on such a hallowed day. The rest of the days since then can be chalked up to my trademark sloth.

But this is a good time to get ready for the next few months, when YFTS goes back to its roots: chronicling the asshattery that is the FUFL fantasy league. In the word's of the Glasgow Diamonds, football's our game.

What to expect this season? Well there will certainly be a new Mocking the Draft, as well as some FUFL themed Chatrooms, a 'John Mayer Face' application, LOL(whatevers), running diaries, and the usual videos/pictures that mean less type-y and more drink-y for me.

We are in the process of expanding the site, so if you have any friends/colleagues/fellow hobos who have a fantasy league and wish that Yahoo! didn't fuck them over on message size, HTML, or pretty much everything in regards to the message board, YFTS might be just the home for them. A place where they can post degrading and embarrassing recaps of their league's week/month/season all for the low low price of their dignity.

Please have interested parties send an email to angrybeers (at) gmail if interested. Let them know that John Mayer is totally stoked about it.

Or he's maybe he's crapping. Whichever. The dude could fart in a microphone and they'd give his ass a grammy.