Monday, October 30, 2006

Power Rankings Return

Apologies for missing the last round of Power Rankings, but I had been at a work retreat in VT for 3 days drinking too much and watching the EMT's bandage up a coworker's head (they passed out standing up and landed on stone). How was the retreat? In a word: awesome.

The last two weeks have had a Real World quality to them. Someone goes looking for trouble, creates a little bit of havoc in the process, and before you know it we've got drunken privileged white twenty-somethings fighting in the street over perceived slights and screaming about injustice. We even had a team flirting with the always funny "everyone-here-is-a-racist

/bigot/homophobe/douchebag" level of insanity. The best part is the next day it's like nothing happened and we've moved on to someone's parents coming to visit and pretending like their daughter is not a huge whore. I love the FUFL. Roll Camera!

Power Rankings back tomorrow or the next day.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Trade

Shorter version of the controversy

BUSH LEAGUE: Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh ! This makes other teams better than me!!! Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!
POVIA/JONES: First, we both have needs. Second, we don't want the other to win any money, and third - we don't even like each other all that much so why would I want to help that asshole?
BUSH LEAGUE: Waaaaahhhh.... uh? wha? It's cool. Jones is a girl.

It was like waving a rattle in front of a screaming/crying baby and having it immediatley shut up and completely forget why it was crying.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Welcome FUFL

Welcome to the new home of the FUFL Power Rankings. This was started mainly to avoid asking the Commission-her to delete posts with missing sentences, but partially because of my love of power. The fact that you are reading this right now proves my power over you. I adore that.

Additionally, the Yahoo forums (no links, no pictures, no emphasis ability) were limiting. This is not meant to replace the message board of the FUFL in any way. Personally I find the simplicity of the board fascinating - the way I look at an abacus and think This thing was actaully used as a calculator? before I put it back on the pile of papers it holds down.

Anyway, you're here now. Sucka.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

FUFL Power Rankings Week 6

This week we address the important issues such as having your nuts crushed quickly or slowly, the Jackson Family’s adoption of Carrot Top and whether or not one team’s defense will run for congress. Also, an Ashlee Simpson award is handed out, the league treasurer will kick your ass with karate, and Operation Tango is a go, go, go!

1. Rocky Mountain High – This team just refuses to loose. They barely experienced any kind of bye week crucible, and will only feel a marginal effect of a bye next week when McGahee is out. However Fitzgerald against the Packers is probably just as good as any RB on a team led by J.P. Losman. We predicted a loss to the Runzas last week, and the $70 you’ve collected so far from the league obviously went to Matt Hasselbeck who – as Laura Bush likes to say, “went apeshit” - against an increasingly porous Rams D. Fun fact: was the first time Hasselbeck exceeded Yahoo’s 2006 projections, ever. It’s a proud moment when you watch someone exceed expectations. But it’s even cooler when I get them back on drugs, and sellin’ my rocks on the corner. As for Sunday against the Vikings, Hasselbeck will be back in the crack den if you know what I mean. (I mean I love crack)

2. Smear the Queer – You got the points, but you also got that extra loss. Losing to Rocky Mountain High this week could set you back big time. The Jacksonville v Houston game will be critical, as you both have Jax players on your roster. If Houston wins, you’re going to get beaten like a street mime (they all get their asses kicked, right?), because that means your D gave it up and your kicker didn’t get a chance. Your keys to success are Ronnie Brown and Chris Cooley – if those two can exceed their projections, you’ve got a victory. If not, then you’ll be one of just six teams that couldn’t get past high school.

3. Up and Atom – After trouncing opponent after opponent, how do you trail in points by .07? This team has got a good shot for a victory as it’s opponent has to sit two of its most productive players. Up and In Them’s greatest strength is its role players step up when reliable players like Westbrook and Johnson don’t. “Here’s My Jockey” scored two TD’s for the first time in his career, and Coles exploded for 25 points despite the fact that he plays for the Jets. The Achilles heel of this team continues to be its defense – never having topped 12 pts in a game (back in week 2). No matter who you play when, you’ve had defenses that can’t hold a lead or pursue. Perhaps they can take a page from former Apprentice contestant, Raj – Watch him as he captures illegal immigrants (click on Play in the upper lefthand corner). That’s how you react and attack, people!

4. Hurricane Loftus – This week’s loss is what happens when you misquote rap songs and make them your own. Sure, offended rap starts could always pop a cap in your cracker ass, but the minus 7.7 pts from Rex is pretty much equivalent to your normal street justice. Only you weren’t wearing a powder blue track suit (it’s more lime/teal I hear). After last week’s comparison to the Jackson Family, this team is resembling Carrot Top more and more – universally reviled, not funny at all, has a mental imbalance (T.O.), yet despite all of this too freaking huge and frightening to fuck with. I mean look at the dude. How this person is involved with comedy is beyond me. Other than it’s funny to see what animal testing looks like on humans.

5. The Deadskins – This team wins the Ashlee Simpson award for the most changes that result in cosmetic improvement, but fail to address the substantive issue that you will never, ever, ever be your older, hotter, chestier sister. Just talentless with a kickass nosejob. You think week 7 looks bleak? Look at the matchups for weeks 8, 9, and10 (including avg projections with Bulger and Jackson off of their bye). Looking through your roster, we see you have Cadillac (I’m on Blocks) Williams. We forgot he was alive. Is there a bigger disappearing act in the NFL than this guy? I’m pretty sure if all Cadillac owners could have the choice between drafting Williams and Diet Pepsi Machine – they’d take DPM. Although the reason I wouldn’t take DPM is because all anyone has to do is cut or trip on the extension cord, and DPM will come to a complete stop, blowing his route, and let’s face it – thereby removing any possibility of free soda.

6. Raging Runzas – We thought you had it in you to take down the elite team, Runzas. You left us sad, crying, and wanting to sniff glue at work again. It’s not unfair to say you should have known better, because as was pointed out last year, Joe Horn in the W/R position was always better than a third RB. It’s an immutable law like gravity or Nicole Richie pretends to eat. Unfortunately for you, If they plug in a defense, the OG’s are ripe to pull off a victory against your doughy ass. Additionally - according to my coworkers and their drawings of me with squiggly lines coming from around my ass, I’m just ripe. Whatever. It’s not like I crapped in the paper shredder again.

7. Original Gangstas – This is the upset game of the week. It depends on two things: The OG’s actually checking the site and putting Manning back in, and getting a defense for a week. Considering that the OG’s have made two roster moves all season, it’s unlikely but possible. The prevailing theory around Power Rankings HQ is that the OG’s have trained some sort of housepet or senile elder to keep watch on his fantasy team. This would explain his few roster moves and forum comments that are either “MONKEY HATE CLEAN” or are along the lines of “I don’t WANT strained carrots, I want goddamn Johnny Unitas, you hear me lady?! Speak English! Habla this! Ahhhh… that’s right, now clean my diaper while I call the President and make sure he knows Bob Barker has given us the green light for Operation Tango.”

8. Pathetic – What’s pathetic about 133 pts? I’ll tell you – trading the guys who got you there. It doesn’t help that Mike Vick has fewer total yards than J.P. Losman. Perhaps this team should change its name to Desperate. No matter what, you are set to beat a reeling Buckeye’s Revenge with a rested New England D and a nutcrunching bye week for your opponent. It must also feel nice to be able to root for your man Fast Willie Parker, even though Davenport will start getting more 3rd down and goal line carries. So while the Buckeye’s nuts are crunched, yours are just in a vise that you are twisting yourself. Does that bring anyone else back to summer camp, or just me?

Personal Note: you should always wait to be invited to something like seeing a baby. That kind of initiative would demonstrate compassion and loyalty and a selflessness that will only make you vulnerable when you’re all taken hostage someday. And when the robber says he’s gonna shoot your friend if you don’t crack the safe, you’ll just be able to shrug your shoulders and say, “Go ahead, it takes lives to save lives.” or something else Steven Segal-ish. And after he shoots him in the head, you just push the door open to show it was cracked all along. That would be so badass. It works out double-y good if you still haven’t paid him your FUFL dues.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – We’re starting to think Buckeye’s Revenge is some sort of digestive issue, because son – you are shitting all over this league. The only team you have beaten is in last place, and it has been a long time since we’ve seen a 5 game losing streak. We also appreciate that you are back to playing “What the Fucking Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” as he lit it up for 0.7 pts in the Bears comeback victory on Monday. It’s a great show, and we enjoy watching. Because seriously, we tried Studio 60 and it’s just not working for us.

10. I’m the Decider – Only in the FUFL is being a “10” a problem. Again, seeing as there is so little to say about this team other than “too little, too late” let’s just discuss the best one word email we’ve ever received:


We can only hope that when we die, and god shows our life in review (a la Defending Your Life), the title THURSDAYANGRYBEERS will appear silently on a black screen in 'West Wing' font that fades out like it's actually a profound title. Only we'll be barfing a lot for 60 minutes without commercial interruption or witty banter.

And for the rest of you, I’d pay Rorick his money. I got video of two guys who owed Rorick money and at about the 35 second mark, he exacts payment.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

FUFL Power Rankings Week Five

Power Rankings are back from their second bye of the season (won’t happen again. Unless it does). This week - a dark portrait of future fantasy drafts, what two headed sheep and a hip hop have in common, and why you should be watching the food network. Also we’ll see how winning at the circus can still make you feel like you’ve really lost. Plus some stuff about this league or something.

1. Smear the Queer - What’s queer is how the team with 108 points more than the next best is in third place. After eking out a win over the deciders, Smear has a good shot at another victory in week 6. The addition of Cooley to the roster should benefit them now that Brunnell can more or less pass the ball forward to his own teammates. And based on current rankings, this team’s kicker has the 11th highest points total in the league at 74. Remember that next season when someone selects “Gould, kicker, Chicago” before taking an RB in the second round. If we just gave you an idea, keep in mind that a sock full of batteries to the head hurts just as much when wielded out of concern for the league’s dignity as it does envy.

2. Hurricane Loftus - This team reminds us of the Jackson Family. The patriarch treats all of the individual members with contempt except one who he knows is destined for glory. And yet somehow, through sheer perseverance or spite, they come together to dominate the pop charts. To carry this analogy further, Rex “Deliciousman” will soon own a shady theme park while sleeping with monkeys and children, and Portis will show his left tit during the Super Bowl. Ladell Betts might be Tito. These are the facts people. Also: the manager needs to decide on quoting either Wrex-n-Effect or A Tribe Called Quest, not some hybrid lyric he’s made up. It’s like being told a two headed sheep is just a regular sheep. No it’s not. It’s a sheep and witness.

3. Up and Atom - This might be the only team who scores 112 and it feels like a letdown. As for your next few games, you will once more be Up and In Them. We’ll freely admit that you will be enjoying your opponent’s byes in weeks 6 and 7, but it just so happens that you’ve got McNabb and (maybe) Westbrook, who together have more points than every player in the NFL combined, ever. That’s a rough calculation of course, because I can’t count past 20 (I run out of fingers and toes). While McNabb is currently the league leader in Total Yards and TD’s, I am the league leader in Beds Wetted and Pokemon Dolls Humped. What league is this you ask? The League of Extraordinarily Creepy Gentlemen. We meet on alternate Thursdays right after we watch our Full House reruns on tape. Ladies, call me.

4. Rocky Mountain High – We have been stumped as to how this team is 4-1 with its lineup. Maybe those of you who have been run over by RMH haven’t noticed its license plate: OVR8TD. We’re starting to see cracks in the armor here despite another victory in week 5.
Sure, its lineup has big projected numbers, but it’s not going to win it’s week 6 game (Jones will do well, and maybe Heap and that’s it) – especially if they handcuff themselves by starting both LJ and the Pittsburgh D. This team has beaten the bottom of the barrel of the league, and hasn’t proved its strength against more tested teams. Plus, the manager has our $35 bucks and won’t give it back because our team sucks. Dick.

5. Deadskins – Maybe Bledsoe will survive the tenacious 12 pt Houston D, but in Week 7 Bulger & Jackson are on bye, and we don’t like big Drew’s chances against the Giants. Don’t panic because he’s old, panic because every 126 yards, he throws an interception. Except for Stephen Jackson and Marc Bulger, not one member of this team has cracked 55 points on the season. Since the kicker is not a real player, we’re just going to ignore the fact that he’s on pace for 224 points – which in 2005, would have put him right behind LT and LJ for the season. The only thing more depressing to me than that statistic is that my Dawson Creek Fan Fiction scripts are finally ready to be submitted for public consumption. When you love something so much, it makes you sad to let it go.

6. Raging Runzas – Best quote ever: “Quarterback Philip Rivers says that Gates' relatively low number of catches so far this season is due in part to the fact that he is receiving a lot of attention from opposing defenses, reports.” It has nothing to do with the fact that Phillip Rivers can’t hit a drunken Hilton sister on a Saturday night much less an open receiver. The Runzas are primed for an upset this week against Rocky Mountain High. Mostly because we want to see that miserly RMH go down. On something other than a homeless man in a subway, that is. Zing!

7. Original Gangstas – This game against Pathetic is gonna be gross. Not in a good way, but more of an oh-god-what's-that-on-the-counter-ewwww-smell-it-no-you-smell-it-I'll-
you-touched-it-eewwww kind of gross. This is a game you should win hands down. Then again, I’ve played games where I ended up winning only hands. Severed human hands. I’ve never gone back to the circus since.

8. Buckeye’s Revenge – I had a rough bye week once. But it was in college, and I was ‘experimenting’, and come to think of it, I think it was spelled “Bi-Week” and there were cameras and roofies everywhere. Good times. Anyway, we’re all watching the waiver wire to see if you drop any of your players in order to pick up a kicker. Then again, Vinatieri hasn’t produced all that much as of late. You can keep hoping he’s going to be the Vinatieri of old, and I can keep hoping those hookers stay buried in their cold unmarked wooded graves, but we’re both just living in the past.

9. I’m the Decider – Not much to say about this abomination of a team other than Brady’s gone, and something named “Kitna” is the new QB. We’re hoping that it’s a character from Thundercats, but it’s unlikely no matter how cool that would be. Instead, this space is dedicated to calling out the people who spell theater with the reversed "er" to make it "theatre" - and then have the cojones to say "thee-A-ter" in normal conversation. Why do people with no accent whatsoever think its ok to roll off the one foreign word in their linguistic repertoire and act as if nothing happened? "Oh I just love veal saltimbocca!" Right. Of course you do. I thought we got rid of this annoying trait when we executed everyone who didn't say "craw-sont" at pasty shops across America. At least that's what I hope we did. The only person exempt from this rant is the chick on the food network who does 'Everyday Italian' because she has a sweet rack.

10. Pathetic - Cheer up Pathetic – it’s like the old saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough are not your team.” I’d rather watch puppies drown than your game this week. Nevermind that Ben has fewer points than the season has weeks played (5), concentrate on what you have going for you: your best RB’s and surging Defense are all on bye this week against the one team you could probably beat.. I have no idea what to say to you other than that you are the Commissioner, I wished this exact scenario, and there must be a higher dark power acting on my most evil desires. But maybe this could all turn around - you’ve been losing to the top teams, after all. It’s like being hit by really really nice oncoming cars. Except when you lost to the Deciders, which is like getting hit by a newspaper boy on the shitty BMX he stole from you. And as you dust yourself off, you notice he ripped off the pretty pink ribbons from the handlebars, which you loved to watch wave in the wind as you rode to ballet class, you fucking girl.

FUFL Power Rankings Week Three

After a bye week of their own, the Power Rankings return this week with new teams in front, old teams in back, and a story about the little porn-star-that-could. Plus multiple references to San Franciscans, Mushin Muhammed plays his game the way it oughta be played, and the Commissioner travels to claim a family fortune.

1. Up and Atom – To quote Dolly Madison, “Holy fuck.” This team came 0.73 points from breaking 130 pts three weeks straight. The only thing I’ve broken three weeks straight is the record for “beds-wetted” (which stands at 4. Ladies, call me!). The real difference maker here is WR Jackson - for the past two weeks, he’s been projected near 11 pts and delivered 20 (roughly 45% beyond expectation). The real test for supremacy comes next week against Rocky Mtn High – who will have LJ going against a San Franciscan team that plays…. like a bunch of San Franciscans. You might as well change your team’s name to “Up and In Them.” But then, you might be confused for a “San Franciscan” yourself.

2. Playmaker$ - Welcome to your first loss of the season. If it feels lousy, don’t worry. If it feels like you have been manhandled and violated in every opening, then stop hanging out at truck-stops. The comparison of Chester “Hoss” Taylor to Priest Holmes (from last week) is starting to come true: Taylor got as many TD’s as Holmes did this week. So did Frank Gore (reminds me of Lawrence Taylor) – who looked like he was running behind a San Franciscan O-Line. Which he was. And will be. All season. The QB issues continue; the selection of Fav-re while necessary, is sad because it’s almost as much of a weekly gamble as starting Brunnell. Nice, you’ve moved from the craps table to the roulette wheel, and put your chips on #4 green. I did that once and risked everything, but they told me to stop coloring the table numbers green or they’d take my raffle tickets and report me to Chuck E. Cheese security (which is some sort of giant cat I assume). True story.

3. Rocky Mountain High – It’s not just your skills that would make John Denver jealous. It’s also the fact that - well - you’re alive and well. The strength of this team is evident, but questionable managerial calls are mounting - Like benching Hasselbeck against the Giants D in favor of Kurt Warner against anybody (including his former team). With LJ back in the rotation, next week’s matchup against Up and Atom is the Game of the Week. This is not to be confused with the Game of the Weak – that’s Buckeye’s vs. OG’s. The Pittsburgh D is on bye next week, so it will be interesting to see if RMH decides to play without a D, or drop one of its players (probably Clayton) who will surely be picked up by a struggling team (number 9, number 9, number 9).

4. Hurricane Loftus – Welcome to the top of the middle. The Loftii are becoming a cliche rags-to-riches story: Team starts out in the dumps, full of self-loathing. Team moves to Hollywood, has numerous auditions and meetings (even a few screen tests), but inevitably has to start stripping to make ends meet (see Owens, T.O & Bledsoe, Drew). Things start working out –meets a nice but shady guy who takes them under his wing, only we’ll see later how he drags them back down (see Grossman, Rex & Manning, Eli). Perhaps, this team will rise above it all and become a full fledged adult industry star, but for right now, be happy as fluffer-apprentice. Did I say rags-to-riches? I meant rags to dirty bitches. In related news, I need to get laid.

5. Raging Runzas – When Runzas rage, even they can take down the darlings of the FUFL. To really look at how lopsided the victory was this week, the Runzas had the victory locked before their defense or primary WR took the field Monday night, and without an RB – all the while, still leaving 26 points on the bench. Roy Williams caught more balls than a fluffer-apprentice and fucking Javon Walker scored some TD’s too I heard (my eyes were too busy bleeding). The Runzas are set to roll the Deciders next week but then enter a stretch of playing the FUFL elite. The team is on the cusp of turning into its former self: a yeasty pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, seasonings, and several football teams. Take out the onions, and “Ta Daaa!” You’re Paris Hilton! Wait for it…….. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge – When the smart decision is starting David Carr, it’s time to reexamine your lineup. It’s like that time I explained to my boss the possibility she is both pregnant AND fat – it seemed unwise at the time, but…. well, according to the terms of my plea deal, I actually am forbidden to comment further. Other than that she may have been a sperm whale who could talk. The point is here that Maroney will clearly see the ball more than Dillon and I think I might have been working at the aquarium. Oh, and I see that “What the Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” is going nicely, as you benched him and he lit it up. Make sure you start him next week and enjoy your tour of scents through the feces-strewn streets of India

7. Xian’s Crusaders – England may be jolly, but we’re willing to bet the manager of this team is not. Alexander’s broken foot leaves this team’s RB’s lonelier than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitsvah. To make it worse, the backup RB is not available, because Jones is off snogging British girls of questionable dental hygiene, while others have pounced on his misfortune (that’s what the British ladies call it too). The real question is not if we can get T.O on the cover of Madden every year, but rather simply this: have you looked up Davy Jones and proclaimed yourself the rightful heir to his Monkees fortune? You should totally do that.

8. Deadskins – Not a bad week, but not getting better fast enough. It’s time to pull Foster in favor of TJ HeOfManyConsonants. Stephen Jackson turned in a performance worthy of Cadillac Williams and so did Cadillac Williams. A close game next week looms next week against the Playmaker$, but it’s hard to tell since you both have ineffective Miami players in the lineup. The ‘Skins have a lot more players at home, so perhaps you can eek out a win over a team led by Fumblin’ Frank Gore (should we call Michael Robinson the Guy Who’s Gonna Get Gore’s Goal Line Touches or just GWGGGGLT for short?). It should probably concern you that your kicker is your leading scorer, but then again people tell me all the time I should be concerned about things. Like the sucking chest wound I gave myself for fun. Or that my chiseled looks can maim if not outright kill. Mostly the first one though. Mostly.

9. I’m the Decider – This week the Decider’s manager was in DC hollering at Congress and was too damn tired to notice anything, especially that Stallworth was not going to play. With Arm-Killin’ Corey Dillon’s apparent injury, Willie Parker will serve as the main back – leaving the possibility that neither will be in next week because of Parker’s bye. The Decider already concedes next week to the Runzas, but finds solace in relating the following information to the Commissioner of the FUFL: Take lots of pictures in England. Especially of the famous clock. That way you can see a Big Ben that works with precision, timing, and doesn’t throw multiple INT’s or have a season points total of 0.70. Because once you get home, that’s all you’ve got.

10. Original Gangstas – The OG’s have completely given up on the season. That is the only way to explain leaving someone in on their bye, and carrying two shitty kickers and two shitty defenses. You know, I could go out and drink Sam Adams Oktoberfest and then take a crap on my desk at work, shave my asshair and set fire to it all - and it still would not smell as bad as this team. Well technically, I couldn’t do that - but I could if I took another crap on my desk. I’m already using the first one.

FUFL Power Rankings Week One

This week: over half the field tops 100, Aaron Brooks has a new business opportunity, and on national television Chester Taylor was compared to Priest Holmes twice without sarcasm. Plus, this week’s Side-Boob Award.

1. Playmaker$ - Congratulations. You got monster points with a mediocre performance by Aaron Brooks, and nothing from your kicker. You got over 50% of your 140pts from the Defense, Frank Gore, and Chester Taylor (35% from those last two clowns). That is not guaranteed week to week by any means. But the combined performance of Aaron Brooks and Randy Moss is something you can look forward to all of the time. Attention Aaron Brooks: you should just start selling your own canned shit. Mail out a batch to every fantasy owner, who can sit down with it every Sunday, crack open a new can of “Steaming Aaron Brooks” and sit back and want to die. It’s the same thing that’s happening now anyway isn’t it? If nothing else, Playmakers, take comfort that Chester Taylor’s spells "Try Rectal Hoes". They don’t call him the molester for nothing. At least the rectal hoes don’t.

2. Xian & the Crusaders - I don’t care if 6 other teams topped one hundred this week. Look at this lineup, and this team is a top 3 playoff team. Xian might lose to the Chester Taylor Fan Club in week two, but you can bet come week 11, when the Playmakers’ RB’s are more busted and damaged than an Olsen twin, Xian’s durable team will be cruising to victory. If this team were a woman, it would be one of those thick rap video chicks who pour champagne on themselves when Ice Cube takes a sip of the potion and hits the three wheel motion. If the manager was a woman…. well I guess he’d be pretty much the same.

3. Up and Atom – Much like Paris Hilton’s gynecologist after an exam, this team is left feeling disgusted, tainted, wronged, and maybe questioning a higher power. The Westbrook and McNabb picks look like good ones, but the usually reliable Tampa Bay D killed you, leaving an interesting choice come week 3 when they’re on bye. As for the rest of this team’s byes – weeks 5 & 6 leave you vulnerable to two full strength teams that will need midseason wins. As for Week 1, no one can blame you for leaving Coles on the bench, and another 120+ game is likely next week at least. All that said, what’s it like hoping Fred Taylor’s knees don’t give out? Is it like smashing your face with a brick, or more like smashing a brick with your face? I can’t decide.

4. Rocky Mountain High. Decent team all around, with some standout performances. This team has a nice bye schedule, but much like my bowel movements, the question of durability and consistency is an ongoing issue. There’s little room for error here. Expect this team to be truly tested in week 3 without LJ (who has the same bye week as LT – lucky you). Speaking of LJ, do you think he is calling up Chester Taylor (1-800-Try-Rectal-Hoes), or Frank Gore (listed: deceased) to get pointers? Maybe the better question is does anybody ever call Chester Taylor or Frank Gore? On purpose, I mean.

5. Hurricane Loftus. As sure as the Democrats hate freedom, this team has playoffs written all over it. Portis looks more or less alright, but that will change against the Dallas D next week, as Brunnell faces a real secondary. The Loftii should expect a successful season assuming four things: 1.) that somehow in Week 3 you are not beaten like a rented mule. 2.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to T.O. 3.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to Jason Witten. 4.)that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes thrown by Drew Bledsoe. You know the old saying: “Drew Bledsoe is horrible. I mean, fucking horrible. Have you seen him lately? Seriously. This guy needs to be put to sleep or something.” I love old sayings.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge. So the Revenge announces itself to the league by eking out a win over a team whose manager was on vacation the entire weekend and the entire week before. This team's kicker outscored their own top WR and QB combined. Also the Buckeye’s condone burning the American Flag and Pedophiliac Bestiality. These are facts people. I don’t make them up. As for the players, Jake Delhomme will rebound next week, and almost all of its players have home games against fairly lousy teams in Week 2. With the Chargers schedule, LT doesn’t have an easy time until week six, where his projected points are, approximately, infinity. Good news though! The Revenge will get a chance to play “What-the-Fuck?!, with your host Mushin Muhammed!” One week he’s on the bench putting up big numbers, and the next he’s in your lineup, creating a foul smell that is reminiscent of burning feces in the streets of New Delhi. Put him back on the bench and play all season!

7. Steve Superior. Jeff Wilkins is a hell of a kicker, ain’t he? He did better than every single player on your team benched or not. We assume you benched Ward because of Chaz Batch, not because of Ward himself, right? Because any other reason would be a colossally idiotic move. We’re talking Maybe-I’ll-Stick-My-Weiner-In-The-Hole-That’s-Making-The-Grinding-Sound kind of dumb (ie Tara Reid). Jackson and Cadillac are going to be like this all season. And by “this” I mean, ‘screwing you over a barrel’ because your back-up RB’s are just that – reserve chutes... Questionably packed reserve chutes at that. These guys won’t see the light of day until maybe week 7 or 8. But don’t worry, at least you’re scheduled to play all of the top teams twice.

8. I’m the Decider. Watching this team on StatTracker may be the singular worst experience of the week, next to that little 'incident' with the SWAT team, four goats, a lapsed scientologist, and an all you can eat sushi buffet. However, every year this manager's team starts off slow and then makes a run at the playoffs. This year will be no different. Except maybe the “making a run at the playoffs part.” That won't happen. On a positive note, the Deciders win this week’s “Side-Boob Award.” From a distance, everything looks great, even a little dangerous. But when you get closer, and it’s time to see the goods in action, it never happens. It’s still just side-boob. And worse yet, you still don’t know if it’s real or fake.

9. Original Gangstas. You know what’s really dumb? Crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock, just so you can get beer money to drink away the pain of crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock (man, that was a bad day). But that would be described as 'ill-advised' compared to benching Gonzo, leaving Steve Smith in, and not dropping one of your shitty kickers or shitty defenses to pick up another WR just to hang onto Branch. We know you’re desperate to see the Iggles do well, but if they do, it’s gonna be Westbrook and McNabb, and maybe Stallworth who provide the punch. Watching you cling to Smith and Akers just makes everyone feel awkward.

10. Raging Runzas. Well Runza, no one knows what to say. Palmer got housed by Kansas City, Jordan was terrible, and so was pretty much everyone else on your squad. Be glad you left Plummer on the bench, but that’s about the only bright spot of Week 1. Week 2 actually looks worse, where you lose a major RB, and a major TE. And Palmer goes against Pittsburgh on the road. The real emotional kicker will come in Week 9 where you will privately consider offering your newly born child’s soul to dark powers in exchange for Wally Lundy delivering a performance worthy of Chester Taylor, Frank Gore, and the Ghost of Samkon Gado. All of this to scrape by a diluted Up & Atom. It’s OK… I cried once too. But that’s because I wet and shat myself on purpose while waving a gun in the street, threatening the police, and demanding to be called ‘Loretta.’ When you do it, it’s just pathetic.

FUFL: Mocking the Draft

Power Speculations: Mocking the Draft

I think I could argue that there are more important things going on in the world than our fantasy football draft. I mean there is an evil in this world, and it has come to our country and threatens to strike us in the very near future. Some might say I am over-reacting to the idea of Marc Anthony breeding but to you I say watch this.

Granted, I know I just violated about four articles of the Geneva Conventions here, but there are some of you with a pre-Marc-Anthony-offspring-mindset of the world. So here's a small distraction from important world events. Here's how the draft goes down. Quick Recap from last year: did last year end? here's what should have happened

But in the end, democracy one. or DID IT????

1. Xian & the Crusaders - Dear Leader will likely put together a formidable team as he does every year, although last year's deal with the devil comes to term as he will be forced to draft Samkon Gado in the first, second, and third rounds. Last year's breakout game against the Falcons (and my FUFL team) inspired me to write the bestselling* children's book entitled, "Screw you Samkon Gado. Screw You Straight to Hell."

*And yes, Mr. Details, if the cops break into my house and recover thousands of copies of "threatening literature" they are counted as individual sales -as is each time its read to a jury, and once per conviction.

2. Steve Superior - Based on previous year's drafts, this team will have the hardest schedule. Also based on previous year's drafts, someone will be the first to take a kicker, someone else will be the first to select a defense, and Jones will end up drunk and alone in his little apartment, quietly grinding his teeth because he chipped in too much for pizza and no one paid him back. He'll make sure they pay.. Oh yes.. they'll pay.

3. Hurricane Loftus - Still going with the name of a girly-drink, the Loftii are coming off two good seasons. Last year's expected winner, the Loftii bombed like a Mariah Carey movie to the glee and merriment of the FUFL. Winner of last year's "What the Fucking Fuck?" award for his announcement of impending nuptials on the FUFL board, this team may win this coveted award as early as draft day should he once again choose Peyton Manning in Round one. Preview of the Colts season in 4 words: Incomplete, Stuffed, Incomplete, Punt. Is a Manning/Punter combo official yet?

4. Playmakers - One step from naming his team "Vanilla", I think I speak for all of us when I say that I am disappointed in a team once known as "The Black Athlete." The 'Makers will have a decent draft as they have each of the past two years, but will nonetheless sweat it out, crunching numbers and second guessing, to the delight of his competitors. This constant feeling of inadequacy and the inability to perform always leads to dark places, where you are tied to the bed, crying, pleading with the hooker to leave you cab fare and penicillin before s/he leaves. That hasn't happened to you? Ummm. Me neither.

5. I'm the Decider - The real question is will the Decider take New England's TE Ben Watson in the first or second round? A perennial late bloomer in this league, the Decider's unique managing skill, combined with his good looks, always seem to lead to (or near) the playoffs, but never the prize. Perhaps that's because he travels the world sexing only the most beautiful ladies the globe has to offer, or perhaps it's because the most beautiful women of the world travel the globe to sex him.* Based on information I just made up, this year the Decider will have a mediocre season, but will make the playoffs in a wildcard scenario based on rustic good looks or incriminating recordings of the Commissioner when he was vulnerable and needed to talk. One of those two.

*Or because he's married.

6. Raging Runzas - Hmmm. Raging, huh? Really? This yeasty dough bread pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, and seasonings started off strong for the last two years and then for one reason or another just collapsed down the stretch. And by one reason or another I mean Stephen “today is the day I become a real woman." Jackson (Exhibit A: 2005 mid-November's 0.2 performance). Originator of the StephVen Smith combo, you can bet if the player is named Steve, Stephen, or Stephanie they will not go undrafted by this team. So Rage on Runza. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.

7. Original Gangstas - Another favorite to employ a combo-heavy offense. But with no Owens/McNabb, what will the new combo be for the OG's this year? Will it actually be the new/old tandem of McNair to Mason? You know the old saying: An old combo is never good unless you find it in the couch and rub it off on your pants really really well. And that's a problem for the OG's, cause this team doesn't wear pants. At least not at work or in front of the computer. That reminds me, why haven't you been fired yet?

8. Buckeye's Revenge - Who the fuck are you?*

*Actually, the rumor is you are named Brian. And that we had lunch once. Good to see you again. How's it going?

9. Rocky Mountain High - Always the wildcard, this team usually assembles a mix of above average playesrs and who-dats to create a team that is uneasily defined. You know what else is uneasily defined? "pneumono­ultra­micro­scopic­silico­volcano­coniosis" I am guessing here, but I think it's the medical term for volcanoes who are insecure about their magma temperature. I'm just speculating, I'm not a doctor you know.

10. Up and Atom - You will always be Mummified Poultry to us. This team should be the happiest that the FUFL is not a keeper league, because with last year's debacle of Jamal Lewis and Clinton Portis this atom wouldn't even have a half life (ba-dum-ching!). Will local loyalties demand you take JP Losman in the first round? I think so. But then again, I also think witches are real and that this burning sensation will go away if I scratch it more. So, in summary: I am itchy in scary places.

See you all on the internets on Wednesday.