Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Support A-Rod with Soothing Techno, Not Boos.

Via Deadspin comes a new A-Rod themed site that truly ups the ante in awkward internet sports obsession. The sad premise is A-Rod needs cuddling and positive affirmation to succeed at his wildly enriching and untaxing profession. And through the power of love of the game and happiness and, positive thinking, and... I'll be honest, I couldn't really get past the first few pages because reading all this crap made my head fill with images of bear cubs frolicking with each other under sunny rainbows at the fluffy puppy birthday jamboree.

C'mon everyone! Alex is up to bat! Let's clap till we puke at how pathetic
and delicate even his most ardent and imbalanced fans know he is!

You think 38pitches is a bit over the top in its fan-appreciation of a player? Try this little nugget on for size:

Think about it. Have you ever seen a player more in need of positive support—especially from his fans at home—than A-Rod? Here is a man with otherworldly physical skills—the fastest player to 400 home runs, two-time AL MVP, ten-time All-Star, a Gold Glove, and on and on and on—and yet in four playoff series for the New York Yankees, his average has closely resembled a fading ray of the light attached to the setting sun...brilliant at first, and then quickly, sadly, nonexistent... 421... 258... 133... 071... Does anyone see a pattern here? [Ed Note: Uhhhh... elipses....?] Do you think Alex was dropped from fourth, to fifth, to sixth and then eighth in the lineup because his physical skills are diminishing—at 31—or for some other, intangible reason?

I am assuming that the intangible reason is the thunderous home crowd booing, but it might also be that people throw batteries at him. I can't be sure, because I'm not really in the mood to go look up what 'intangible' means. It's probably some cosmic new age term involving a goddess and the alignment of stars or some shit. Thanks but no thanks, Yanni.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Shockingly, Eddie Griffin Ruins Something

Not content with keeping his signature "I'll turn this to shit" touch limited to film and sitcoms, Comedian (?) Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo during a practice for an upcoming movie. The Ferrari Enzo was valued at $1.5 million, and belonged to the producer of the movie.

"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive," Griffin, referring to one his past films, said after the accident.

This is excellent in almost every way. First, you have have one of only 400 Ferraris crashing (awesome? check). Then you see it belongs to the douchebag producer who was using the film as a way to flaunt his exotic and expensive car collection (rich guy feeling stupid and sad? check). And finally, it involves Eddie Griffin ruining something that's not his, like what he did to UPN and every movie he's ever been in, watched, or even heard about. (completely avoidable situation? check). This accident is a metaphor for the man's entire career.

As the sole owner of the other 399 Ferrari Enzo's still out there, I plan to hire Eddie Griffin to crash one per day for the next 399 days. This will not only spare us from Eddie Griffin movies for at least a year, but it will also be a new way for me to display my own opulent lifestyle for my harem of sexy supermodels who are tired of using cold diamonds to cool their drinks and watching me swiffer my kitchen with live baby California Condors.

You can see the movie trailer below. The tagline is Fear Nothing. Risk Everything. I think they should consider my suggested tagline: Is that the Kid from Dawson's Creek? If it is, his forehead is smaller than it used to be. Was he sick or something?

: Here's the good stuff:

Friday, March 16, 2007

But Do They Have a '97 UVM Bongwater?

Mike Vick is opening a restaurant, called The Tasting Room.

"I can't play football forever. I'm going to have to become an entrepreneur and make my money grow. This is a step in a different direction. I'm trying to do some things differently."
Judging by the name of the place and the desire to make his money grow, I think it's clear he's decided to sell weed en masse - just in a nicer place than an alley or my parent's garage. He's also making the classic moves when trying to become a drug lord. Or at least the ones I've picked up from the first 5 episodes of The Wire.

1. Advertise your shit
2. Create a front organziation
3. Keep your name off it
4. Tell Wee-Bay to shoot people.

Michael Vick samples the wine available at his new restaurant, The Tasting Room, which opened Wednesday in suburban Atlanta.
This shit's reddish, and that other shit ain't.

I like to think that Mike Vick knows a lot about wine and amassed years of knowledge by experimenting with complex pairings - rare beaujoulais and Doritos crumbles, argentinian syrahs and tubs of cool whip, delicate pinot grigios and Subway. My palette developed like this too, when I was addicted to Boones Farm and mexican food. I remember I was selling my valuable possessions just to get a quick fix of some salsa fresca. I got to the point where I was injecting it between my toes and rubbing it in my eyes just to get high. It was a low period for me, but I try to remember it as delicious.

I'm looking forward to seeing this become an ongoing offseason adventure.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Springtime is Clutchtime

As baseball season begins in earnest soon, we'll read and hear about how clutch certain players are. But baseball clutch should be its own separate kind of clutch - just like golf clutch and hooker clutch.* These events aren't fast paced and there is an eerie stillness, which serves to intensify the experience. But to be truly clutch, you need a running clock. And nobody's got true clutch down like Larry Bird. Here's a video of Bird's buzzer beaters that is 5 minutes long. 5 minutes of buzzer beaters. Considering a buzzer beater lasts about 3 or four seconds (from the countdown to the shot), the sheer length of the montage is an accomplishment. Sure, Danny Ainge says stuff in interviews, but that doesn't count because when he talks, all I hear is circus music. I trained myself to do that. It makes the Celtics infinitely more watchable.

The other best part is the way Bird makes the same running-awkward-hop-lob shot a few times in a row. I used to do that when I was 8 and still hadn't figured out basic motor skills and hand-eye coordination. Sure, kids made fun of me - but then I punched them in the neck with a roll of quarters in my hand. As an added bonus, my hand-neck coordination got much better.

*I was going to use the word strangle, but let's be honest - you can't strangle a dead hooker. Clutch offers a bit of dignity.

Golf clutch videos below:

What the hell dude.

Look at that backswing! It's the kind that any boyfriend of Tara Reid would love to have.

UPDATE: The 8 Minutes of Clutch Kobe Bryant videos don't count either because I'm pretty sure 7 minutes of it is him sitting in a court room.