Friday, December 22, 2006

FUFL Championship

At first glance, it’s hard to see how The Pile On Guys can lose the championship. But then you remember that Up and Atom gets huge numbers every week from the most unlikely of places. For example, the Minnesota defense. But looking at the POG’s team, it just won’t work. Up and Atom has every intangible – from Vince Young to Harrison at Houston to Travis Henry in a revenge game.

Note: Henry could have three broken legs and he will still put up big numbers against the team that cast him off. This always happens. Once I snubbed a drifter looking for a hot meal and some shelter from the rain. He slunk back into the cold darkness after I threw a milkshake on him, but later, he totally came back for revenge. Or his pants. I can’t remember. Either way, I think my point is clear.

The Pile On Guys say it’s all about matchups (at least his matchup analyzer says it’s important. Not that the company is biased of course). So I’m using my own holiday matchup analyzer; one that knows the future – 2007’s Creepy Baby New Year in a Top Hat. To get these answers I used a tried and true technique: I picked up the Baby, asked it a question and then shook it until it provided me with an answer.

QB Leinert vs. Young
Baby New Year poops once, it rolls across the table, jumps over the butter dish and stiff arms the salt shaker. Vince Young it is.

WR1 Holt vs. Harrison
Baby New Year says “The redskins secondary has figured itself out, and the Texans still look like the strained carrots I puked on my cousin. Harrison. Now powder my ass.”

WR2 Driver vs. Coles
Baby New year says “Here’s an Olsen Twin matchup – neither is particularly attractive, they both get a lot of looks, and Driver hasn’t eaten in a month. Slight edge to Coles. Oh yeah, and give me a boob to suck on.”

RB1 Gore vs. Westbrook
Baby New Year says “If I’m reading my diaper rash correctly, then I have to give it to Gore. Frisco is actually playing for its division, and the Eagles are on a roll, but Gore – like myself - has been carrying a load for a long time.”

RB2 Bush vs Johnson
Baby New Year says “I’ll be honest, I’ve had my experiences with both a Bush and a Johnson, but I’m more intimately familiar with the former. And I know the bush isn't in it every time, but a Johnson is. Rudi.

TE Cooley vs. Shockey
Baby New Year says “I once ate a bunch of carpet trimmings and cat hair and when I crapped it out it had all this fuzzy stuff on it and it just sat there stinking up the place. Yet I had to admit, it did it’s job well. Shockey."

WR/RB Dayne vs. Henry
Baby New Year says, “I just made a sharper cut than Dayne could right here in my diaper. And it’s one of those hot ones that burn. Seriously. If I wasn’t hung like a 9 month old I’d cry. But I’m too proud. Henry.”

Kicker Gould vs. Kaeding
Baby New Year says: “Take it from me, I was a kicker. And these guys are nothing compared to me. With names like Robbie and Nate they sound like they still are in the 3rd grade. Even."

DEF Balt vs. Minnesota
already exceeded expectations by not just rolling over in a pool of their own drool. But Balt isn’t putting up 20+ pts against these new Steelers. Plus Willie Parker runs like my dad: Fast and away from me. Minnesota, bitches."

As you can see, Up and Atom has a huge advantage this holiday weekend. Based on the above, it's a scientific fact. But every time I pick against the Pile on Guys, they seem to pull it out. And leave it out. And then it gets very very quiet in the church.

But this title will belong to Up and Atom, who gives hope to certain last place teams that they too may go from worst to first in succeeding years.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Power Rankings: Playoff Edition

So another season nears its inevitable conclusion, as the field is separated into two camps: the haves and the ‘fuck the haves.’ Here at YFTS headquarters, we strive to give you the most accurate playoff information available. But we also strive to not work that hard.

Douchebag Jones vs. The Pile On Guys – The Big Game

DBag Jones’ 3 QB 'trilemma' reminds me of my own efforts with my mail-order brides. One ran all over the place to no avail, the second was a gay eagle, and the third arrived dead in a box (the box even said Fragile on it). And to be honest, none of them really worked out – which is exactly what will happen for DBag. All of your QB’s have earned roughly 40-49% of their points in this week’s game setting (Vick & Rivers at home, Garcia away). So the running game, like our manchild president - will be the decider. Both Alexander and Green are going against two of the worst run defenses in the NFL. Sitting Addai is wise against a surging Cincy D – mostly because another Cincy defenseman was just arrested, and he’ll probably play lights out football, thus proving his innocence to everyone. Don’t ask me how it proves anything, I’m not a damn doctor. I just know that’s how it works in sports movies.

Pile on Guys – For all the attention you’ve paid to your RB’s (57% of your team now) – you’ve left little room for the inevitable WR injury. Expect Driver’s sore shoulder to be tested repeatedly by the Detroit secondary. Normally, the Detroit Secondary wouldn’t worry me, but much like an Iraqi policeman they are probably bent on injuring rather than doing the actual work of defending. What you do have going for you are good offensive matchups. Brady at the Houston Mouth-Breathers, and Bush against Washington. Oakland has the fourth best pass defense against Holt and the Ram’s 10 best passing attack. This gives the early edge to Oakland, but If my calculations are correct, then I have ten fingers. I’d blow your mind with some more math, but I can’t get at my toes since my wife tied my shoelaces in double knots. It’s like walking around with Chinese finger traps on your feet.

Reading my magic crystal ball (my toilet bowl happens to be made of the finest crystal), I predict the DBag by 11pts. I also predict that I will be cutting back on corn.

Up & Atom vs. Rocky Mountain High –
The “Winner Takes All or Winner Gets Lucky and Then Loses Next Week” Game

Up & Atom – Very sneaky you are, benching everyone to disguise your lineup. But using my Columbo-like skills, I was able to deduce your potential lineup. Although I must admit doing it while allowing one eye to wander like a drunken midget in a chair (below) was difficult. However, if you were to play the obvious choices (including Young at QB), you’d be projected at 108.3 points -which is surprisingly under your opponent's. But take heart U&A, because you tend to beat your projections like a sleeping baby. Should you win this week, a victory next week is guaranteed over either opponent emerging from “The Big Game.” Should you lose this week, you should not – I repeat – you should not do anything drastic. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. And no matter how much you wanted to win, there’s nothing you can do change things. Unless you punch unsuspecting strangers in the neck. And as they stare at you, struggling to breathe, you tell them your story and right before they go into the white light, you’ll see them smile. Because damn, if life isn’t funny.

Rocky Mountain High – Again, Tono Romo is getting some very favorable projections for this game. And once again, his name still spells “Toy Moron.” Also, LJ is not running for 2+ scores against a San Diego D that has been prepping at least 2 weeks for him. He burned them for 29 fantasy pts last time and they didn’t have too much time to see How Pittsburgh neutralized him in Week 5. This week will also see if the Cincy D’s resurgence is for real. If they can disrupt Manning, this could make the game for you. However, your WR’s aren’t good enough to make up for any mistakes, and even if you manage to win, you will get crushed next week by either of the Big Game participants. As my crazy Uncle Lenny would say, “Drill-bits! Taters! He’s such a sweet man.

After huffing 6 bags of wood glue (the white stuff is for pussies) my prediction is Up & Atom by 22pts. And I also predict that by the end of the hour, I will have huffed an entire freaking horse. I wonder how much Black Stallion goes for.

Drunk Midget in a Chair Visual.

So for the money race I predict

DBag over Pile On.
U&A over RMH.
FINAL: U&A over Dbag.

Everyone else over a barrel.

And now for the Courtesy Flush Games:

Loftus Vs. Runza - Two of the Loftii’s losses came from teams with 4-10 and 2-10 records. Imagine you had one those two games Loftus. And now imagine you are covered in jelly and whispering dirty words at a webcam, using your index finger to motion slowly for viewers to come closer. Now realize there are probably kids watching, you fucking pervert. WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???

If I could make a list of all of the things that made me sad, none would compare to the Runza’s bench. You could kick a crippled puppy of a deployed US Marine in the face with a steel toed boot and it would still be a party compared to this team’s bench. There is about as much depth to this bench as there is to your average case of whiskey dick. When you have to pin your hopes on Jay Cutler and Jon Kitna, you might as well just eat your own fingers. At least that will stop you from gouging out your eyes while watching the games.

“Face Enema”- induced (don’t ask) prediction: Loftus by 8.5

In the Toilet Vs. Original Gangstas - Looking at these teams, you can tell both managers work in Congress. One made all sorts of moves, had high expectations, adjusted strategies and ultimately spun its wheels to get to sixth place. The other stayed the course (or forgot about the course and was distracted by pretty lights and sounds) and wound up in basically the same place. So what does this mean? Well it means our country is screwed. It doesn’t matter what you do if you don’t have enough talent to begin with. It is our understanding that the Toilet is planning to send in 20,000 additional Running Backs for this game, but the OG’s oppose such a move on the grounds that the Toilet wouldn’t know what to do with them once he got them and would probably not play them anyway because he didn’t want to be “rushed.” So. Angry. Must. Eat. Thumbtacks…. New Pain. Hot Pain. Mouth Full of Blood…. Original Anger fading… Anger at Whoever put… Thumbtacks in my mouth….

Prediction: We’ll stand down when they stand up. And they’ll stand down b/c they don’t feel like getting fucking shot either.
Bonus Prediction: In The Toilet by 17

Buckeye’s Vs. Incontinence Brigade - First off, screw Yahoo for not letting the last two teams not even have a consolation game. This may be the closest game points-wise, and to be honest has no less meaning than any of the Courtesy Flush games. But no, you fuckers at Yahoo have to make someone feel retarded. If I could get my protective helmet off, I would huck it at you. But this damn Velcro is impossible to solve.

Anyway, the projections would be Buckeye’s 113.07 vs. Incontinence Brigade 95.81.

For both teams this whole season has been like unzipping your fly to take a piss, nothing happening, but then taking a crap in your pants while you stand there. How is it like that you ask? Because it’s happened before, everything felt right at the beginning, and your friends feel awkward watching. At the beginning of the season, I asked, “Who the Fuck are You? and now I know. You are my brother in feces. Welcome to the FUFL family. You’ll fit right in.

Drunk Vagrant's prediction: "GIVE ME BACK MY COAT!!! HEY HE STOLE MY COAT!!!"
Bonus Prediction: Buckeye's by Eleventeen. But the Brigade gets a cool "retro" coat.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Power Rankings Week 13

This week, the playoff picture becomes clearer, the Backup RB's have a field day, and we see that Boyz 'N the Hood and A.A. Milne have a lot more in common than we thought. Plus, more poop humor than is necessary, and one team can't climb a tree.

1. The Pile On Guys – The Pile would have liked a stronger showing from its lineup going into the playoffs. The genius substitution of Bush in the spot of Kevin Jones was the key to victory. Had Bush turned in his projected score, or even gotten 20 pts, this game would have been lost, and the Pile on Guys would have been just a Pile of Guys. The Pile should survive against the Incontinence Brigade in Week 14, giving it the top seed for the playoffs. And that may just be the key for the season for this team now that Chester “Try Rectal Hose” Taylor has been injured and replaced by a man (Ciatrick Fason) whose name spells, “A Frantic Sicko” Which is funny, because that’s the same name the newspapers gave my babysitter when I was young. I don’t know what the big deal was, because I learned a lot from that guy. Which reminds me, if you need someone to dress as Jesus-Hitler and juggle decaying sheepheads, screaming Abba Lyrics through a slidewhistle while pissing on a pictures of the Golden Girls, I’m your man. I also do birthday parties and office functions.

2. Up & Atom – Putting together a nice three game win streak heading into the playoffs. It's especially nice when the most recent victory is at the expense of a competitor for one of the coveted playoff slots. The squad did just enough to win, but was surely assisted by RMH whose team aside from LJ, didn’t show up. Next up are the OG’s, a team surely capable of upsets. You have the advantage here going against lousy defenses, but like the time I fed that bear honey to make him go away, things can take a wrong turn. I mean, you think the cute yellow bear wants a little, but then the piglet with him pulls out a machete, the rabbit screeches high pitched religious yodeling, and the next thing you know, you are suffering the beatdown of your life from the Hundred Acre Wood Hustlas. To this day, I can hear that donkey whispering in my ear over the sound of my ribs collapsing, “If Christopher Robin ain’t a bitch, why are you trying to fuck him like one?”

3. Douche Bag Jones – Once again, the Commish makes his case for the playoffs, and out of nowhere it seems he is effectively tied for second in total points - which fortunately for him will break a tie should he lose next week to RMH. Next week looks bright for our celibate commissioner – with Vick against an atrocious Bucs D and Ahman Green against a San Fran Defense that would be benchwarmers even for Puppy Bowl. The trade and the schedule seem to be working for the Commish, especially if Colston comes back in the next two weeks and Alexander stays healthy, this team is a lock for the playoffs. Last week you could have topped 150 pts if Yahoo gave Vick a point for each middle finger he gave to the home fans. It’s like I always say - you gotta reward class. It’s either that or “Let go of me Mr. Baldwin before I release my Bengal Tiger, Jeremy, to feast upon your innards.” I forget which one I say more often. It’s probably pretty close. There’s a shitload of Baldwins.

4. Rocky Mountain High – This is the highest you’ll get ranked this year. Maybe you’ll make the playoffs. Maybe you won’t. It’s like what the surgeon said when I asked if when they put me under they were going to draw a cock and balls on my face, but wipe it off before I woke up: Probably. But let’s be clear: your team this week came in on average 5.6 pts under the projections (including LJ), and Tony Romo is not going to throw 30 pts worth of footballs next week. So your projected score next week is bunk from the start. You’re in the same position I operate from on a daily basis – doing a consistently shitty job while praying others fuck up enough so that you, like sewage released into the open ocean – rise to the top and float there like the sack of congealed crud you are. My therapist says I have anger issues. But people say all sorts of crazy things when you hold their family hostage in their own house.

5. Hurricane Loftus - Do you know what a metaphor is? Well, it is apparently not some sort of space robot. Seriously, it isn’t. I know, I know… it should be. But it isn’t. Anyway, this is an example of a metaphor for your season:

The kid represents you, the tree represents the league that you want to advance to the top of, and gravity represents your last few weeks. Oh, by the way, could you lay motionless in a more effeminate way next time? Thanks.

6. Original Gangstas – It will take a lot of luck, but the opportunity to make the playoffs theoretically exists. Then again, I have not done the math at all, I’m just going on a gut feeling that you could make the playoffs. The second I start doing math I end up hucking the damn abacus. Anyway, all of your players are on teams fighting hard for playoff spots, so expect solid performances next week. This is your chance, as an Original Gangsta, to fulfill the cliché and see a better life outside of the streets, the hustle, and the drive-byes. You got a chance that anyone in your shoes would kill for – nay – has killed for. Which Boyz ‘N the Hood character are you gonna be – Ice Cube, who ends up staying in the ‘hood? Or Ricky – who rises above the violence, does right by everyone, and then gets shot anyway? I think the choice is clear: you’re the guy who offers blowjobs for cheeseburgers. That guy was hilarious.

7. In the Toilet – The Devery Henderson bandwagon has square wheels.

8. Raging Runzas – You lost to a team that touts its ability to crap all over itself. The first rule of quality cooking, Runza, is to use good ingredients – and at first glance this should still be a formidable lineup. But everything you are cooking with is a year old and stale. Edge has no O-Line, no matter how good he is, he can’t move forward. Javon Walker had Jake the Snake and now Jay Cutler throwing passes to the covering DB’s. Palmer is still shy about getting hit and throwing too early. There is little Rage left in these Runzas. But there’s one thing you can still do that almost every food is capable of: Spoil. Spoil good and spoil hard. You have a chance to get rid of the guy at the bar who’s been ordering girlie drinks all season. Be the bouncer. Be the bouncer.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – You’ve got LT and a losing record. That is really hard to do. You made a good decision benching Maroney, but nobody stepped up in his place. The same is to be said with Musin Muhammed, who you correctly pegged to have a lousy game. What was surprising was that Clark didn’t contribute at all. What was not surprising was that Jones was going against one of the toughest run defenses in the league and came up empty. So much for Revenge this year, Buckeye. Perhaps next year you will choose a name that is more befitting your managerial style. Perhaps “Renee” or “Tammy” Those seem more your speed. As for this week, of the teams you’ve played twice, you’ve lost to them all before except one. So, much like your bowel movements, expect this week to be fast and loose, but ultimately in the end, stinky.

10. Incontinence Brigade - Wow. Pulled out a victory just in time to get that elusive second win and not coincidentally, the second time topping 100 pts. But looking back, let’s remember the good times this season. What do 9 weeks of losses look like? Like this my friends:

Note: Gonna win this week though.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Power Rankings are coming, children. This week has required me to work AT work. And out of principle I don't believe in using my free time at home to do anything related to the FUFL. I'm too busy complaining to Wifey that even though Thanksgiving was last week, I'm still semi-covered in gravy. Take a Shower she says. Right. As if things were really that easy.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Predictions from Week 11

Who Will Step Up – Dallas Pass Defense
OG’s Upset Win
Pitt D no different than Minn D (2 pts. Eh)
Predicted ALMOST exact score of Loftii /Revenge Game (wrong on who would win) off by less than a point. This shit is worth two BlowHard pts. Holla.

Benching Philip Rivers is a bad idea (less than a point wrong, I might add)
Barring another 4-TD game from LT, this week should be a cakewalk (for the Loftii) over the Revenge – Turned out to be three TD’s…
Who Will Step Up: Crumpler, Grossman
Foster did not recover. Egad. Same points and an injury.

The key to winning for Wear would be Baltimore defense. (If he had played them, would have given bigger cushion)

Right = 6, Wrong = 6

BlowHard pts this week: Even.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Power Rankings Week 11

This week – the Germans are actually winning something, parental advice for a Runza, Johnny Tremaine is a pussy and my uncle looks forward to a good humping from the FUFL’s expert. Plus, as if you needed one, we give you one more reason to hate Derek Jeter.

1. Schadenfreude – for those of you who were not curious enough to look up the definition, it means “a malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.” I however am pretty sure it is a typo, as the same letters spell out, “a hundred feces.” Which is coincidentally, the exact worth of Chester Taylor’s services at RB. Taylor next goes up against a surprising Miami D. This team is still putting up serious points, except at the TE spot. Wow. Imagine if you had Colston – oh wait, you opponent does. That’s like having your diamond encrusted glock ripped off you from some wangstas while you was keepin’ it real, only to be cut down by that same gat later that week while you out hustlin’. The key to winning the second big game in a row will be your Baltimore defense. If it neutralizes your opponent’s unpredictable (in a bad way) QB, you’ll be all set with a good seed in the playoffs. Too bad ‘Schadenfreude’ also spells, “Ha, Crud Defense.”

2. Farvehgwhatever - If it’s possible to cut and run to victory, this team is doing it. Unlike the ‘dead hooker pile’ in my closet, a five game win streak cannot be ignored. Obviously Vick has to have an incredible game against the consistently best defense in the league – who finally can taste the playoffs. Your problem is that your top two RB’s are going against top 5 Running defenses (Dallas -3rd, NE 5th). However, both Dallas and NE are softer against the pass, so hope for a lot of screen passes. Benching Philip Rivers is probably a bad idea, no matter what the projections say. That reminds me, I want to start a band that plays company conferences called, Power Point & the Projections. I’ve been inspired by this guy. If that don’t get me some high quality trim, I don’t know what will.

Quick aside: is this what Schadenfreude is? Cause it runs down my leg every time I watch this.

3. Hurricane Loftus – still seeking that elusive 1st or 2nd ranking, the Loftii are making the case for a girlie drink to be on top. Barring another 4-TD game from LT, this week should be a cakewalk over the Revenge. It’s amazing that Barber has only one TD yet leads the league in yards. But Monday will not be his day. Jacksonville is 2nd against the pass and will be able to keep the Giants one dimensional. Who will step up? Crumpler, Grossman, and the Dallas pass Defense – helpfully neutralizing your opponents top WR. The last time the Loftii played the Revenge, the score was 100.80 - 93.33 in Loftus’ favor. I predict the same score this week. You know what else I predict? That after seeing this, you’ll respect your mother, for once.

4. Rocky Mountain High – in 10 weeks, only 5 games over 100pts, and yet here you are, like a missionary at my doorstep, refusing to go away until I get out my Missionary Club and show them the wrath of Lucas (bloodier than God, and with much more taunting). By all accounts, you should have this game locked against the OG’s, especially because every single player in your starting lineup is at home (first time this has happened in the FUFL all season). However, because I am smarting from the fact that I wrote a check out to you and you cashed it, I predict an upset loss to an ambivalent OG’s. This is a gut feeling here. Which is much better than my last gut feeling which I would classify as, “Mexico Burning.” Hey, the life of a drug mule isn’t glamorous 24/7, folks.

5. Up and Atom – As iron clad as the “no cutsies” rule in 5th grade homeroom, so is the rule that U&A does not win unless it tops 100pts. This week it may not matter, as you play against the a team with the unpredictability and savvy of your average urinal cake. If Tennessee can keep it a low scoring game, maybe the game will be interesting. Then again, if I could just convince my coworkers that my turds will be valuable someday, they’d hang out with me. Until then, I’m forced to file them away in my desk. And no Mr. Hygiene, plastic bags are not an option – you think these are fucking comic books? Damn. Perhaps U&A is distracted at the looming implosion of their favorite Yankee, Derek Jeter, who was “giggling with a girl”:

God the Yankees are so screwed. Say what you will about Alex Rodriguez, but he's never been described as "giggling with a girl". Not only that, but good luck caring about baseball when you can go home and get on top of Jessica Biel. I don't care what your job is, you're gonna do it half assed if Jessica Biel is waiting for you. You could be a judge at the Victorias Secret Blowjob Olympics and you'd still do that "c'mon c'mon c'mon" thing with your hand. (link)

6. Bob Knight Meltdown – You and I had the same week. You wandered around this week shaking your head and slowly muttering, ‘bulger, bulger’ and I did too. Well technically I was saying ‘bulge’ and pointing to my loins in front of city tour groups, but same difference. Foster disappointed last week, but will recover in week 11 for your decisive win over the Rageless Runzas. To be honest, I think if you dropped Cadillac Williams and Wally Lundy, those empty roster spots would put up better points. Anthony Thomas proved to be a wise waiver wire pickup and replacing the Minnesota D with the Pittsburgh D is sort of like a Folgers taste test - basically the same thing, and it’s hard to tell which one I dipped my balls in.

7. Original Gangstas – You’ve beaten RMH before, gangstas – with basically the exact same team. That kind of longevity is unheard of in this league and usually only known among the many women I’ve bedded. With a lot of starters at home, the OG’s have a real chance at an upset. But you’re 5-5 and given the records and point totals of other teams, you basically have no shot at the playoffs without someone collapsing. That reminds me of the time my public defender said, “You have no shot at parole without the witness collapsing.” And what do you know? She damn well did. Right there on the stand in open court, right between the eyes. As the smoke trailed from my .45, I looked down at my attorney and said, “problem solved.” But little did I know another problem had just begun – because people were looking at me and I didn’t know where to hide a gun in the courtroom.

8. Buckeye’s Revenge – The other night I watched my dog hump my uncle’s leg (Wednesday’s are slow). As we rooted him on to finish, to keep going, to not stop till he gets there – my uncle shook him off and we all left a little disappointed. I was wondering where I had seen this before, and it turns out it’s your team. We’re rooting for you, but you can’t finish. This whole season, you’ve been dryhumping my uncle. So aside from the general awkwardness of the situation, you know – because he likes it – I think you deserve the season Dryhumper Award. But why stop there? You can’t be the only one out there who suffers from this. So to you I propose creating a web based community where the other fantasy dryhumpers across America can share their pain in a hump-free environment.

Generated Image

That’s a free idea. Good luck. My uncle would like a membership.

9. Raging Runzas – Runza, we need to talk. Your team is getting it’s ass handed to it as if it were a Shit Sammich, and not a Runza full of Rage. Worse yet, you are pinning your hopes of an upset on the O-Line of Arizona and Oakland (Schadenfreude ran down my leg just from typing that). But the real concern here is for your daughter. What kind of role model are you becoming? Getting slapped around by a bunch of dudes and taking it like it’s your job. No, you must show her a positive influence. So this holiday, why not get her Barbies Hot Tub Party playset. That way you can show her the empowering side of getting slapped around by a bunch of dudes and taking it like it’s your job. Who knew fatherhoold only cost $59.99.

Note: I may have crossed a line here, but you live very far away from me. And I have set up trip wires in case you come and get me. So when those cans on a string start clankin’ I know you’ve trapped me in my cubicle.

10. Shit Sammich – When you’re low, you’re low. And just like a flu shot injects a little bit of the flu to protect you from it, the Sammich injects a bit of the Curse of Trent Green into the roster to… err… who knows. I’ve never been good with shots. Everytime I get one at the doctor’s office, I faint. Mostly it’s because the alley he works in smells like old tuna and vagrants. And sure - he has one eye, bleeds from the nose constantly, thinks he’s Paul Revere, and calls me “a pussy like that Johnny Tremain” while wrapping my arm in tinfoil, but you know what? At least he smells like piss.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Reading the Coffee Grounds: Week 10 Breakdown -

Looking back at Week 10 predictions, I was:

Wrong about Wear vs. Syz
Wrong about Ryan vs Povia
Wrong about Election Nightmare winning AND 100pt game trend
Wrong about Pats v Jets.
= -5 blow-hard pts

However, I was

about Steve Smith avenging Death (24 pts. 1 TD instead of 2)
Right about Runza loss
Right about Buckeye’s getting good points (115.90 pts) and needing them for another time (week 9 anyone?)
Right about Sammich losing
Right that I would be drunk at Gilette.

= +6 blow-hard pts

Week 10 - +1 on the BlowHard index. (=accidentally credible)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Power Rankings - Election Edition - Week 10

This week we have a class of officeholders, Steve Smith showing up Death, batteries are swallowed, and a proposed Brocktoon Platform. Plus a deserving karate kick to the throat, and we learn why no one should go near the boss’ purse ever again.

1. President/Benevolent Dictator/Fuhrer: EcoTerrorists – With a game’s worth of points between the others with similar records, EcoTerrorists is putting some distance between his competitors. The last meeting of this team and its week 10 Up and Atom opponent was a barnburner (140.57 - 136.07). That team is gone – with only three original starters remaining – Chester, Gore, and Baltimore D. All of whom sound like gang leaders or myspace aliases. Yo, if you don’t add Baltimore D to your top friends, homey’s gonna represent, and throw 16 in the clip and one in the hole.” At least that’s what Nate Dogg told me. Anyway, in the end this week you lose and you’ll be ranked third in two weeks, after you have to play a surging Cut&Runner in week 11, while Up & Atom eats a Shit Sammich. It’s not fair, but you know what? Chicken Butt.

2. Vice President/Military Junta Leader: Up and Atom – Sure, the VP here has been on a 2 game losing streak, but you can chalk up a win this week (as long as Westbrook plays), a win next week (Shit Sammiches taste bad, but like the doctor and my former prison cellmate said, “It’s good for you”), and some consistent point totals to keep you in place for the playoffs. Be nervous about Fred Taylor’s “thigh” injury, as this guy can get a toothache and be out for 4 weeks. I got a toothache once, and I went to the dentist and he told me to stop eating batteries. He might as well have told me to stop breathing. So I switched to AAA, and now wash them down with milk. You don’t impress Scarlett Johanssen by not eating batteries and putting them up on YouTube my friend. Let’s use some common sense here. Here’s a quick video of the Vice Prez vs. EcoTerrorists:

3. (Madame) Speaker of the House/Imposer of San Franciscan Values: Cutting & Running
– This was a tough call, but it’s hard to deny a 4 game win streak. C&R’s opponent has a history of missing the Yahoo projections, and his team’s running game is just stronger. Not only has this team won several straight, but it’s also figured out time travel, as the manager can clearly be seen as a boy in this recent photo. As for the week 10 game, it will be a squeaker for the Speaker, but C&R won’t be weaker, just a shrieker who’s bleaker and meeker, and sounds like Beeker . On a semi-related note, this crystal meth is fucking fantastic.

4. Senate President/Activist Judge: Hurricane Loftus
– This is the highest ranking this team has gotten, although after this week who knows. Two of its most productive starters are going against the Chicago D; which happens to be his opponent’s defense. Meanwhile Stallworth idles on the bench, as does MJDrew against a pourous Houston, both at HOME, while Owens is up against a due-for-a-comeback-game Arizona D and Portis isn't going to get going all that much as Philly is 4th against the pass. Like the troop-hating Democrats, your opponent will win not because of their vision, but because you lost it for yourself. That and you tried to blow your interns. Boss appreciation day just isn’t what it used to be, is it?

5. Governor/Angry Warlord: Election Nightmare
– This is a good week for an Election Nightmare. A solid running game that will take out opponents like they were New England Republicans. Since Week 3, this team has been putting up 100+ points, and that trend – like Americans wanting the government out of their fucking bedroom – will only continue. Thomas was indeed a good pickup and your quick thinking shows why you are considered an up-and-comer in your party. I’ve never been a member of a party at all, mostly because I refuse to join any party that won’t address my demand for a Brocktoon Platform. If I can’t be born unto new worlds where his flesh is my key, well then, this isn’t the America I thought it was.

6. Congressman/Sketchy Elected Judge: Rocky Mountain High
– You may be 6-3, but with no McGahee, it’s hard to see you getting similar numbers from your benchwarmers. Romo had a good outing last week, but don’t expect that to save you. And every player on your roster has a letter after their name (P/O/D/Q). It’s like playing scrabble but without the angry sex afterward, you know? Choosing between Romo and Favre is like deciding whether to take a piss or a dump in your boss’ purse. It’s a hard choice, both have their downsides, but you gotta choose one. I mean, you were dared and all.

7. Mayor/Corrupt Official: Orginial Gangstas
– Three games in a row for the OG’s with a good chance to make it 4 this week. We assume the OG’s put Smith into the lineup, after he comes back from attending a funeral. He’ll be especially pumped to play so that he can show that death who’s really the boss. See that Death? That’s two TD’s muthafucka! Stick that in your mug, Beeyotch!” and then Death will sink into his chair made of bones, because Smith is right, that’s two TD’s – right in his mug. The OG’s just have to stand around and watch their opponent lose this week. It’s like this video around the1:30 mark. Just send the Loftii a text saying that it’s over, and it’s over for good and there’s nothing he can do to make it better.

8. State Senator/Corrupt Official #2: Raging Runzas –It’s nice to see a little bit of rage from the Runzas, but last week was an anomaly and this week I had to look up the definition of anomaly. Beating an Up & Atom team that was more Philly-Lite than cream cheese (zing!) by the slimmest of margins is nothing to be proud of. Karate kicking an intruder in the throat and incapacitating them for life, on the other hand, is. And I don’t care if she was selling cookies – that girl scout was not invited in – ergo: intruding. A tough loss will occur this week and next, and the dying of the light approacheth no matter how much you rage. This Runza is getting moldy.

9. Dog Catcher: Buckeye’s Revenge
- The two worst teams play each other this week and this team has the edge. So, uhh contratulations for being just un-shitty enough to beat a pile of turd. Actually, the Revenge will put up huge numbers this weekend, and the point total will be wasted on defeating the Sammich. Too bad, because in week 11, you’ll be used like a blow-up sheep at a frat party. Which begs the question: why didn’t anyone join my fraternity?

10. LaRouche: Shit Sammich
- To add insult to injury, this team will be rooting for his opponents RB, as the Sammich travels to Gillette to root on the Pats. You can find him 9th row center behind the goalpost, awkwardly high-fiving strangers and awkwardly trying to get the crowd to yell “The Patriots are the better team in this football contest!!” As for this week, here’s a preview of Shit Sammich Vs. Buckeye’s:

FUFL Constitution. Putting the "Amble" in Preamble

We the man-children of the FUFL, in order to form a more perfect roster, establish running games, insure the absence of domestic civility, provide for the tenacious defense, promote the general welfare of our wallets, and secure the blessings of the football gods for ourselves and fiscal prosperity, do rank ourselves according to power, and establish pretty much nothing.

Personally, I loved voting. And when that internet pop-up came and asked me which party I supported, I voted like hell. Although it didn't redirect me to my local ballot initiatives, I did get a really cool page of hardcore porn. I'm sort of pissed off because there is no paper trail, and I don’t know if my vote was received by my town clerk. On the other hand, all that porn makes me forget my troubles. Electronic voting is the way of the future!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Sunday Night Press Conference Preview


(you need sound for this one)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I don't know why

This site looks so bad in Internet Exploiter. For best viewing (of the entire internet really), Firefox is the way to go. That is all.

Power Rankings Week 8

Power Rankings return with a sexy parties, a new charity organization, and this week's Playing with Fire Award. Plus find out how John Kerry is his own natural law, how there is hope for a Shit Sammich, and why Steve Winwood's ass is sore.

1. Rocky Mountain High - Number one until next week, because let's be honest. Beating a Shit Sammich is not exactly hard to do. The Loftus will fleece you in Week 9 mostly because I don't like you. You have my money. And you are either going to keep it and throw one of your "sexy parties" or give it to someone else who is not me so they can afford to attend your "sexy party." And you'll end up just like this – drunk and in a diaper making fun of a dog. Then again, that's where I end up most mornings anyway. Ladies, call me.

2. Up and In Them
– The winning streak is over, but you are still near the top. This team hasn't done much moving around (10 moves) and hasn't traded anyone; like turning on a car and letting it idle. If you thought it was tough against a newly determined if not effeminate Commissioner, your week 9 byes look even worse (or shall we say Philly-lite). You should be thankful that your Runza opponent has no real RB's in week 9. However, once Westbrook gets hurt (week 10) your victory hopes go with him. Then you'll realize you've been idling the car in the garage the whole time.

3. Tom Brady is No Queer – This team stated its goal was to be 6-3 by week 9. Well congratulations, it's nice to see a dream come true. You should be the founder of the Make-A-Shitty-Wish Foundation™ for fantasy football. It would go something like this: a different team realizes that they won't have the chance to handcuff themselves in a given week like you did (ex: Brady & Chester Taylor). And perhaps they also tack on a second wish that they could sit the best defense in the NFL. Since they can't, TBINQ will live that dream for them. You acted like 0.20 would have been a small margin of victory. Reminds me of the time I was telling Gisele Buchendedununchen how big I was (same number). She seemed unimpressed. Until I told her that was its width! Booyah!

4. Trade Wins me FUFL
– Benefitting from two trades, this team is the one to watch. Will the Commissioner pull off a late stretch run of wins? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his social life? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his porn surfing? No way, Jose. That's why you gotta root for this team – placing winning above dignity. This team LEFT 75 points on the bench this week. As of right now, TWMFUFL would have had almost 170 pts in an "optimal lineup" according to StatTracker. That's the highest of anyone so far. In fact, that's almost the same number of young women creeped out after hearing his version of what really happened on 9/11.

– any question why this team hated "The Trade" so much? It stood to play both teams involved one right after the other. While this league was not Fleeced in week 8, you can expect it to fall to the Commissioner – all the while denying any personal accountability and that it's the fault of everything/everyone else. No one could have forseen that TWMFUFL had players of mass destruction. Remind anyone of a different, scarier Bush League? Your lineup for week 9 has some good matchups – Jacobs will get a lot of goal-line opportunities (if Barber doesn't make it that far himself from 20 yds or more), and Minnesota's defense will regroup for San Francisco. Quick question - I asked this of his mom then, and of you now: Why are you still carrying Wally Lundy?

6. Huricane Loftus
– this team is looking for a potential upset against the top seed. Like Bush League, matchups against Houston are the key. Given how many teams need Houston to lose, it is almost assured David Carrweck (get it?) and Co. will pull off an upset. The addition of Willie Parker looks like a solid move for you, despite the temporary controversy. Owens will have a good game against the Redskins, but every minute he is on the field, Portis is off. And if you're hoping for a high scoring game, it means Washington isn't running the ball. Also – for Portis to be effective, Brunnell has to throw a football to a receiver. Most of this, like my affair with Heidi Klum, is fantasy. The rest of it, like my affair with Seal, is awkward and full of song. But mostly just awkward.

7. Original Gangstas
- Without Manning, this team wouldn't even be a shit sammich. There are teams who are need of a good QB, and now that the Colts are past their bye, Brees would give you some good trade bait so you could upgrade your WR corps. We see you're also playing mind games by leaving in bye's until the last minute. As I've learned countless times from ex-girlfriends, psychological games just don't work. Now hypnosis on the other hand will have her hand down your pants every time you cluck like a chicken.

8. Buckeye's Revenge
– The only team to have cracked the 800 point mark without having at least a .500 winning percentage. This team dropped some serious knowledge on a (literally) defenseless Runza. We'll continue to question how he could bench the Chicago players opposing San Fran at home, mostly because it's fun to point out the glaring flaws of others. Like when I tell the homeless they're dirty, or Paris Hilton that she's alive. Don't expect Wayne to put up 38 against a good New England D this week, but you can bet your ass that Muhammed is going to have a great day if you leave him on your bench. It's a law of nature, like gravity. Or like John Kerry managing to fuck up an election he's not even a part of.

9. Raging Runzas
– Four games ago, this team was primed to be a contender. Now it is the winner of this week's Playing with Fire Award (7 used already!*). This makes sense, as the parallels are similar: a wife, a new baby, and the street credibility of a girl scout. No matter what you try from now on, you cannot be taken seriously. So how do you get back at them hatas? In the words of Helen Keller, you "Play on playa. Play on." It was either her or Jay-Z. I always get them mixed up because they both laugh like chicks who can't speak English.

Note: I would caution against buying this disc in its 'used' state. Once you try and play a CD that someone has used to wipe their ass, it totally fucks up your CD player. Take it from someone who's been there.

45. Shit Sammich
– Riding out a 5 game skid longer and more odious than the one I leave in my underoos everyday. Week 8 was a game more lopsided than Tara Reid's chest. Though week 9 looks promising, let's remember that even though Steve Winwood once sang, "I'll be back in the high life again/ All the doors I closed one time will open up again/ I'll be back in the high life again/All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in." - Keep in mind he wrote that about prison rape. To get into the playoffs, not only does this team need to win-out with an average of 150 pts per game, but every other team needs to lose all of their games. Impossible you say? I once thought so. But then again, I thought that a photo of a Disney character revealing the pierced nipple of a mouseketeer was impossible. There is hope yet.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Power Rankings Return

Apologies for missing the last round of Power Rankings, but I had been at a work retreat in VT for 3 days drinking too much and watching the EMT's bandage up a coworker's head (they passed out standing up and landed on stone). How was the retreat? In a word: awesome.

The last two weeks have had a Real World quality to them. Someone goes looking for trouble, creates a little bit of havoc in the process, and before you know it we've got drunken privileged white twenty-somethings fighting in the street over perceived slights and screaming about injustice. We even had a team flirting with the always funny "everyone-here-is-a-racist

/bigot/homophobe/douchebag" level of insanity. The best part is the next day it's like nothing happened and we've moved on to someone's parents coming to visit and pretending like their daughter is not a huge whore. I love the FUFL. Roll Camera!

Power Rankings back tomorrow or the next day.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Trade

Shorter version of the controversy

BUSH LEAGUE: Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh ! This makes other teams better than me!!! Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!
POVIA/JONES: First, we both have needs. Second, we don't want the other to win any money, and third - we don't even like each other all that much so why would I want to help that asshole?
BUSH LEAGUE: Waaaaahhhh.... uh? wha? It's cool. Jones is a girl.

It was like waving a rattle in front of a screaming/crying baby and having it immediatley shut up and completely forget why it was crying.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Welcome FUFL

Welcome to the new home of the FUFL Power Rankings. This was started mainly to avoid asking the Commission-her to delete posts with missing sentences, but partially because of my love of power. The fact that you are reading this right now proves my power over you. I adore that.

Additionally, the Yahoo forums (no links, no pictures, no emphasis ability) were limiting. This is not meant to replace the message board of the FUFL in any way. Personally I find the simplicity of the board fascinating - the way I look at an abacus and think This thing was actaully used as a calculator? before I put it back on the pile of papers it holds down.

Anyway, you're here now. Sucka.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

FUFL Power Rankings Week 6

This week we address the important issues such as having your nuts crushed quickly or slowly, the Jackson Family’s adoption of Carrot Top and whether or not one team’s defense will run for congress. Also, an Ashlee Simpson award is handed out, the league treasurer will kick your ass with karate, and Operation Tango is a go, go, go!

1. Rocky Mountain High – This team just refuses to loose. They barely experienced any kind of bye week crucible, and will only feel a marginal effect of a bye next week when McGahee is out. However Fitzgerald against the Packers is probably just as good as any RB on a team led by J.P. Losman. We predicted a loss to the Runzas last week, and the $70 you’ve collected so far from the league obviously went to Matt Hasselbeck who – as Laura Bush likes to say, “went apeshit” - against an increasingly porous Rams D. Fun fact: was the first time Hasselbeck exceeded Yahoo’s 2006 projections, ever. It’s a proud moment when you watch someone exceed expectations. But it’s even cooler when I get them back on drugs, and sellin’ my rocks on the corner. As for Sunday against the Vikings, Hasselbeck will be back in the crack den if you know what I mean. (I mean I love crack)

2. Smear the Queer – You got the points, but you also got that extra loss. Losing to Rocky Mountain High this week could set you back big time. The Jacksonville v Houston game will be critical, as you both have Jax players on your roster. If Houston wins, you’re going to get beaten like a street mime (they all get their asses kicked, right?), because that means your D gave it up and your kicker didn’t get a chance. Your keys to success are Ronnie Brown and Chris Cooley – if those two can exceed their projections, you’ve got a victory. If not, then you’ll be one of just six teams that couldn’t get past high school.

3. Up and Atom – After trouncing opponent after opponent, how do you trail in points by .07? This team has got a good shot for a victory as it’s opponent has to sit two of its most productive players. Up and In Them’s greatest strength is its role players step up when reliable players like Westbrook and Johnson don’t. “Here’s My Jockey” scored two TD’s for the first time in his career, and Coles exploded for 25 points despite the fact that he plays for the Jets. The Achilles heel of this team continues to be its defense – never having topped 12 pts in a game (back in week 2). No matter who you play when, you’ve had defenses that can’t hold a lead or pursue. Perhaps they can take a page from former Apprentice contestant, Raj – Watch him as he captures illegal immigrants (click on Play in the upper lefthand corner). That’s how you react and attack, people!

4. Hurricane Loftus – This week’s loss is what happens when you misquote rap songs and make them your own. Sure, offended rap starts could always pop a cap in your cracker ass, but the minus 7.7 pts from Rex is pretty much equivalent to your normal street justice. Only you weren’t wearing a powder blue track suit (it’s more lime/teal I hear). After last week’s comparison to the Jackson Family, this team is resembling Carrot Top more and more – universally reviled, not funny at all, has a mental imbalance (T.O.), yet despite all of this too freaking huge and frightening to fuck with. I mean look at the dude. How this person is involved with comedy is beyond me. Other than it’s funny to see what animal testing looks like on humans.

5. The Deadskins – This team wins the Ashlee Simpson award for the most changes that result in cosmetic improvement, but fail to address the substantive issue that you will never, ever, ever be your older, hotter, chestier sister. Just talentless with a kickass nosejob. You think week 7 looks bleak? Look at the matchups for weeks 8, 9, and10 (including avg projections with Bulger and Jackson off of their bye). Looking through your roster, we see you have Cadillac (I’m on Blocks) Williams. We forgot he was alive. Is there a bigger disappearing act in the NFL than this guy? I’m pretty sure if all Cadillac owners could have the choice between drafting Williams and Diet Pepsi Machine – they’d take DPM. Although the reason I wouldn’t take DPM is because all anyone has to do is cut or trip on the extension cord, and DPM will come to a complete stop, blowing his route, and let’s face it – thereby removing any possibility of free soda.

6. Raging Runzas – We thought you had it in you to take down the elite team, Runzas. You left us sad, crying, and wanting to sniff glue at work again. It’s not unfair to say you should have known better, because as was pointed out last year, Joe Horn in the W/R position was always better than a third RB. It’s an immutable law like gravity or Nicole Richie pretends to eat. Unfortunately for you, If they plug in a defense, the OG’s are ripe to pull off a victory against your doughy ass. Additionally - according to my coworkers and their drawings of me with squiggly lines coming from around my ass, I’m just ripe. Whatever. It’s not like I crapped in the paper shredder again.

7. Original Gangstas – This is the upset game of the week. It depends on two things: The OG’s actually checking the site and putting Manning back in, and getting a defense for a week. Considering that the OG’s have made two roster moves all season, it’s unlikely but possible. The prevailing theory around Power Rankings HQ is that the OG’s have trained some sort of housepet or senile elder to keep watch on his fantasy team. This would explain his few roster moves and forum comments that are either “MONKEY HATE CLEAN” or are along the lines of “I don’t WANT strained carrots, I want goddamn Johnny Unitas, you hear me lady?! Speak English! Habla this! Ahhhh… that’s right, now clean my diaper while I call the President and make sure he knows Bob Barker has given us the green light for Operation Tango.”

8. Pathetic – What’s pathetic about 133 pts? I’ll tell you – trading the guys who got you there. It doesn’t help that Mike Vick has fewer total yards than J.P. Losman. Perhaps this team should change its name to Desperate. No matter what, you are set to beat a reeling Buckeye’s Revenge with a rested New England D and a nutcrunching bye week for your opponent. It must also feel nice to be able to root for your man Fast Willie Parker, even though Davenport will start getting more 3rd down and goal line carries. So while the Buckeye’s nuts are crunched, yours are just in a vise that you are twisting yourself. Does that bring anyone else back to summer camp, or just me?

Personal Note: you should always wait to be invited to something like seeing a baby. That kind of initiative would demonstrate compassion and loyalty and a selflessness that will only make you vulnerable when you’re all taken hostage someday. And when the robber says he’s gonna shoot your friend if you don’t crack the safe, you’ll just be able to shrug your shoulders and say, “Go ahead, it takes lives to save lives.” or something else Steven Segal-ish. And after he shoots him in the head, you just push the door open to show it was cracked all along. That would be so badass. It works out double-y good if you still haven’t paid him your FUFL dues.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – We’re starting to think Buckeye’s Revenge is some sort of digestive issue, because son – you are shitting all over this league. The only team you have beaten is in last place, and it has been a long time since we’ve seen a 5 game losing streak. We also appreciate that you are back to playing “What the Fucking Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” as he lit it up for 0.7 pts in the Bears comeback victory on Monday. It’s a great show, and we enjoy watching. Because seriously, we tried Studio 60 and it’s just not working for us.

10. I’m the Decider – Only in the FUFL is being a “10” a problem. Again, seeing as there is so little to say about this team other than “too little, too late” let’s just discuss the best one word email we’ve ever received:


We can only hope that when we die, and god shows our life in review (a la Defending Your Life), the title THURSDAYANGRYBEERS will appear silently on a black screen in 'West Wing' font that fades out like it's actually a profound title. Only we'll be barfing a lot for 60 minutes without commercial interruption or witty banter.

And for the rest of you, I’d pay Rorick his money. I got video of two guys who owed Rorick money and at about the 35 second mark, he exacts payment.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

FUFL Power Rankings Week Five

Power Rankings are back from their second bye of the season (won’t happen again. Unless it does). This week - a dark portrait of future fantasy drafts, what two headed sheep and a hip hop have in common, and why you should be watching the food network. Also we’ll see how winning at the circus can still make you feel like you’ve really lost. Plus some stuff about this league or something.

1. Smear the Queer - What’s queer is how the team with 108 points more than the next best is in third place. After eking out a win over the deciders, Smear has a good shot at another victory in week 6. The addition of Cooley to the roster should benefit them now that Brunnell can more or less pass the ball forward to his own teammates. And based on current rankings, this team’s kicker has the 11th highest points total in the league at 74. Remember that next season when someone selects “Gould, kicker, Chicago” before taking an RB in the second round. If we just gave you an idea, keep in mind that a sock full of batteries to the head hurts just as much when wielded out of concern for the league’s dignity as it does envy.

2. Hurricane Loftus - This team reminds us of the Jackson Family. The patriarch treats all of the individual members with contempt except one who he knows is destined for glory. And yet somehow, through sheer perseverance or spite, they come together to dominate the pop charts. To carry this analogy further, Rex “Deliciousman” will soon own a shady theme park while sleeping with monkeys and children, and Portis will show his left tit during the Super Bowl. Ladell Betts might be Tito. These are the facts people. Also: the manager needs to decide on quoting either Wrex-n-Effect or A Tribe Called Quest, not some hybrid lyric he’s made up. It’s like being told a two headed sheep is just a regular sheep. No it’s not. It’s a sheep and witness.

3. Up and Atom - This might be the only team who scores 112 and it feels like a letdown. As for your next few games, you will once more be Up and In Them. We’ll freely admit that you will be enjoying your opponent’s byes in weeks 6 and 7, but it just so happens that you’ve got McNabb and (maybe) Westbrook, who together have more points than every player in the NFL combined, ever. That’s a rough calculation of course, because I can’t count past 20 (I run out of fingers and toes). While McNabb is currently the league leader in Total Yards and TD’s, I am the league leader in Beds Wetted and Pokemon Dolls Humped. What league is this you ask? The League of Extraordinarily Creepy Gentlemen. We meet on alternate Thursdays right after we watch our Full House reruns on tape. Ladies, call me.

4. Rocky Mountain High – We have been stumped as to how this team is 4-1 with its lineup. Maybe those of you who have been run over by RMH haven’t noticed its license plate: OVR8TD. We’re starting to see cracks in the armor here despite another victory in week 5.
Sure, its lineup has big projected numbers, but it’s not going to win it’s week 6 game (Jones will do well, and maybe Heap and that’s it) – especially if they handcuff themselves by starting both LJ and the Pittsburgh D. This team has beaten the bottom of the barrel of the league, and hasn’t proved its strength against more tested teams. Plus, the manager has our $35 bucks and won’t give it back because our team sucks. Dick.

5. Deadskins – Maybe Bledsoe will survive the tenacious 12 pt Houston D, but in Week 7 Bulger & Jackson are on bye, and we don’t like big Drew’s chances against the Giants. Don’t panic because he’s old, panic because every 126 yards, he throws an interception. Except for Stephen Jackson and Marc Bulger, not one member of this team has cracked 55 points on the season. Since the kicker is not a real player, we’re just going to ignore the fact that he’s on pace for 224 points – which in 2005, would have put him right behind LT and LJ for the season. The only thing more depressing to me than that statistic is that my Dawson Creek Fan Fiction scripts are finally ready to be submitted for public consumption. When you love something so much, it makes you sad to let it go.

6. Raging Runzas – Best quote ever: “Quarterback Philip Rivers says that Gates' relatively low number of catches so far this season is due in part to the fact that he is receiving a lot of attention from opposing defenses, reports.” It has nothing to do with the fact that Phillip Rivers can’t hit a drunken Hilton sister on a Saturday night much less an open receiver. The Runzas are primed for an upset this week against Rocky Mountain High. Mostly because we want to see that miserly RMH go down. On something other than a homeless man in a subway, that is. Zing!

7. Original Gangstas – This game against Pathetic is gonna be gross. Not in a good way, but more of an oh-god-what's-that-on-the-counter-ewwww-smell-it-no-you-smell-it-I'll-
you-touched-it-eewwww kind of gross. This is a game you should win hands down. Then again, I’ve played games where I ended up winning only hands. Severed human hands. I’ve never gone back to the circus since.

8. Buckeye’s Revenge – I had a rough bye week once. But it was in college, and I was ‘experimenting’, and come to think of it, I think it was spelled “Bi-Week” and there were cameras and roofies everywhere. Good times. Anyway, we’re all watching the waiver wire to see if you drop any of your players in order to pick up a kicker. Then again, Vinatieri hasn’t produced all that much as of late. You can keep hoping he’s going to be the Vinatieri of old, and I can keep hoping those hookers stay buried in their cold unmarked wooded graves, but we’re both just living in the past.

9. I’m the Decider – Not much to say about this abomination of a team other than Brady’s gone, and something named “Kitna” is the new QB. We’re hoping that it’s a character from Thundercats, but it’s unlikely no matter how cool that would be. Instead, this space is dedicated to calling out the people who spell theater with the reversed "er" to make it "theatre" - and then have the cojones to say "thee-A-ter" in normal conversation. Why do people with no accent whatsoever think its ok to roll off the one foreign word in their linguistic repertoire and act as if nothing happened? "Oh I just love veal saltimbocca!" Right. Of course you do. I thought we got rid of this annoying trait when we executed everyone who didn't say "craw-sont" at pasty shops across America. At least that's what I hope we did. The only person exempt from this rant is the chick on the food network who does 'Everyday Italian' because she has a sweet rack.

10. Pathetic - Cheer up Pathetic – it’s like the old saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough are not your team.” I’d rather watch puppies drown than your game this week. Nevermind that Ben has fewer points than the season has weeks played (5), concentrate on what you have going for you: your best RB’s and surging Defense are all on bye this week against the one team you could probably beat.. I have no idea what to say to you other than that you are the Commissioner, I wished this exact scenario, and there must be a higher dark power acting on my most evil desires. But maybe this could all turn around - you’ve been losing to the top teams, after all. It’s like being hit by really really nice oncoming cars. Except when you lost to the Deciders, which is like getting hit by a newspaper boy on the shitty BMX he stole from you. And as you dust yourself off, you notice he ripped off the pretty pink ribbons from the handlebars, which you loved to watch wave in the wind as you rode to ballet class, you fucking girl.

FUFL Power Rankings Week Three

After a bye week of their own, the Power Rankings return this week with new teams in front, old teams in back, and a story about the little porn-star-that-could. Plus multiple references to San Franciscans, Mushin Muhammed plays his game the way it oughta be played, and the Commissioner travels to claim a family fortune.

1. Up and Atom – To quote Dolly Madison, “Holy fuck.” This team came 0.73 points from breaking 130 pts three weeks straight. The only thing I’ve broken three weeks straight is the record for “beds-wetted” (which stands at 4. Ladies, call me!). The real difference maker here is WR Jackson - for the past two weeks, he’s been projected near 11 pts and delivered 20 (roughly 45% beyond expectation). The real test for supremacy comes next week against Rocky Mtn High – who will have LJ going against a San Franciscan team that plays…. like a bunch of San Franciscans. You might as well change your team’s name to “Up and In Them.” But then, you might be confused for a “San Franciscan” yourself.

2. Playmaker$ - Welcome to your first loss of the season. If it feels lousy, don’t worry. If it feels like you have been manhandled and violated in every opening, then stop hanging out at truck-stops. The comparison of Chester “Hoss” Taylor to Priest Holmes (from last week) is starting to come true: Taylor got as many TD’s as Holmes did this week. So did Frank Gore (reminds me of Lawrence Taylor) – who looked like he was running behind a San Franciscan O-Line. Which he was. And will be. All season. The QB issues continue; the selection of Fav-re while necessary, is sad because it’s almost as much of a weekly gamble as starting Brunnell. Nice, you’ve moved from the craps table to the roulette wheel, and put your chips on #4 green. I did that once and risked everything, but they told me to stop coloring the table numbers green or they’d take my raffle tickets and report me to Chuck E. Cheese security (which is some sort of giant cat I assume). True story.

3. Rocky Mountain High – It’s not just your skills that would make John Denver jealous. It’s also the fact that - well - you’re alive and well. The strength of this team is evident, but questionable managerial calls are mounting - Like benching Hasselbeck against the Giants D in favor of Kurt Warner against anybody (including his former team). With LJ back in the rotation, next week’s matchup against Up and Atom is the Game of the Week. This is not to be confused with the Game of the Weak – that’s Buckeye’s vs. OG’s. The Pittsburgh D is on bye next week, so it will be interesting to see if RMH decides to play without a D, or drop one of its players (probably Clayton) who will surely be picked up by a struggling team (number 9, number 9, number 9).

4. Hurricane Loftus – Welcome to the top of the middle. The Loftii are becoming a cliche rags-to-riches story: Team starts out in the dumps, full of self-loathing. Team moves to Hollywood, has numerous auditions and meetings (even a few screen tests), but inevitably has to start stripping to make ends meet (see Owens, T.O & Bledsoe, Drew). Things start working out –meets a nice but shady guy who takes them under his wing, only we’ll see later how he drags them back down (see Grossman, Rex & Manning, Eli). Perhaps, this team will rise above it all and become a full fledged adult industry star, but for right now, be happy as fluffer-apprentice. Did I say rags-to-riches? I meant rags to dirty bitches. In related news, I need to get laid.

5. Raging Runzas – When Runzas rage, even they can take down the darlings of the FUFL. To really look at how lopsided the victory was this week, the Runzas had the victory locked before their defense or primary WR took the field Monday night, and without an RB – all the while, still leaving 26 points on the bench. Roy Williams caught more balls than a fluffer-apprentice and fucking Javon Walker scored some TD’s too I heard (my eyes were too busy bleeding). The Runzas are set to roll the Deciders next week but then enter a stretch of playing the FUFL elite. The team is on the cusp of turning into its former self: a yeasty pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, seasonings, and several football teams. Take out the onions, and “Ta Daaa!” You’re Paris Hilton! Wait for it…….. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge – When the smart decision is starting David Carr, it’s time to reexamine your lineup. It’s like that time I explained to my boss the possibility she is both pregnant AND fat – it seemed unwise at the time, but…. well, according to the terms of my plea deal, I actually am forbidden to comment further. Other than that she may have been a sperm whale who could talk. The point is here that Maroney will clearly see the ball more than Dillon and I think I might have been working at the aquarium. Oh, and I see that “What the Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” is going nicely, as you benched him and he lit it up. Make sure you start him next week and enjoy your tour of scents through the feces-strewn streets of India

7. Xian’s Crusaders – England may be jolly, but we’re willing to bet the manager of this team is not. Alexander’s broken foot leaves this team’s RB’s lonelier than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitsvah. To make it worse, the backup RB is not available, because Jones is off snogging British girls of questionable dental hygiene, while others have pounced on his misfortune (that’s what the British ladies call it too). The real question is not if we can get T.O on the cover of Madden every year, but rather simply this: have you looked up Davy Jones and proclaimed yourself the rightful heir to his Monkees fortune? You should totally do that.

8. Deadskins – Not a bad week, but not getting better fast enough. It’s time to pull Foster in favor of TJ HeOfManyConsonants. Stephen Jackson turned in a performance worthy of Cadillac Williams and so did Cadillac Williams. A close game next week looms next week against the Playmaker$, but it’s hard to tell since you both have ineffective Miami players in the lineup. The ‘Skins have a lot more players at home, so perhaps you can eek out a win over a team led by Fumblin’ Frank Gore (should we call Michael Robinson the Guy Who’s Gonna Get Gore’s Goal Line Touches or just GWGGGGLT for short?). It should probably concern you that your kicker is your leading scorer, but then again people tell me all the time I should be concerned about things. Like the sucking chest wound I gave myself for fun. Or that my chiseled looks can maim if not outright kill. Mostly the first one though. Mostly.

9. I’m the Decider – This week the Decider’s manager was in DC hollering at Congress and was too damn tired to notice anything, especially that Stallworth was not going to play. With Arm-Killin’ Corey Dillon’s apparent injury, Willie Parker will serve as the main back – leaving the possibility that neither will be in next week because of Parker’s bye. The Decider already concedes next week to the Runzas, but finds solace in relating the following information to the Commissioner of the FUFL: Take lots of pictures in England. Especially of the famous clock. That way you can see a Big Ben that works with precision, timing, and doesn’t throw multiple INT’s or have a season points total of 0.70. Because once you get home, that’s all you’ve got.

10. Original Gangstas – The OG’s have completely given up on the season. That is the only way to explain leaving someone in on their bye, and carrying two shitty kickers and two shitty defenses. You know, I could go out and drink Sam Adams Oktoberfest and then take a crap on my desk at work, shave my asshair and set fire to it all - and it still would not smell as bad as this team. Well technically, I couldn’t do that - but I could if I took another crap on my desk. I’m already using the first one.