Friday, September 19, 2008

FUFL Power Rankings for Week 3

Week 2 of the FUFL is done and gone and teams are now beginning to separate themselves from each other. This week Yahoo takes a game away, nobody appreciates hand-crated jewelry, and Heidi Montag finds her way in the lineup. Also, Kim Kardashian sits on the bench, a Care Bear faces drug addiction, and one owner learns why - ultimately - his infant daughter is to blame.

If it looks fuzzy to you, try not sniffing your highlighters at work so much.

1. Pile On Guys (mw) - In Week 2, the Pile on Guys were neck and neck in an important Division Game right up until Monday Night Football. Then the Guys, as Osi Umenyiora does nightly to his girlfriend's chest, "Piled on." Barber and Romo BFF4EVA Witten came up huge for the POG's and cemented themselves as the far away leader in the Weaver Division and definitely the team to beat in the FUFL right now. Next week's match up against the turd-laden Gold Diapers should be a cake walk. With the addition of Sproles, the POG's have their usual cadre of running backs in Kim Kardashian mode - taking up 4/5ths of any bench.

2. Cin City (bm) - Similar to the way I approach any pile of love-starved supermodels in my bedroom, Cin Cidy started at the bottom and worked its way to the top of the rankings all the while demonstrating impressive stamina. Dropping 160 pts in Week 2 without anything from your QB is impressive. And if Palmer finds his stride, surely Cin City will be an FUFL force to be reckoned with. The Keys to Week 2 were Boldin and Westbrook combined with a strong Defense showing by Green Bay. After the week 3 contest against Bigfoot's Rubber this week, Cin City won't be seriously tested until week 7. With two division wins, Cin City is taking advantage of every opportunity to distance itself early on. Sort of like his friends do to him in public.

3. Brady's Knee (ms) - First this team lost, and then Yahoo corrected the stats, and then Brady's Knee wins. This should have been a clear, classic case of "tough taters." Ed Hochuli doesn't get to fix his mistake. The Chargers don't get a game back, but Brady's Knee gets a win courtesy of the Seattle Defense stat error? No. Way. This is an outrage. Strongly worded letters shall be composed and emailed to Yahoo! interns. With the tainted victory, Brady's Knee moves to an easier game in week 3 and then a more difficult game in week 4. Expect this flip flopping to continue well past the election season.

4. Bigfoot's Rubber (cl) - Ever the classy loser, this true gentleman took his stat-corrected loss in stride. And once the smoke cleared, the hostages released, and the judge paid off, things settled down. After decent performances up and down the roster, the weak spot turned out to be the Charger D - posting a negative 1pt. An abysmal 5 or 6 points could have won this game, but no. So instead of taking a 2-0 record into the buzzsaw of Cin City and the other upper tier teams, the Rubbers are going to have to use exceptional match-up awareness to string together some wins. Speaking of stringing things together, can you believe the guy at the jewelry store wouldn't buy the necklaces I brought in for appraisal? I used only the most precious and purest dried macaroni, imported from Italy and strung by hand. Some people have no taste.

5. Puke and Rally (wa) - More Rally than Puke in Week 2, but a formidable Week 3 awaits. More formidable than the projections seem to indicate. Neither Coles nor Shockey have shown they deserve the numbers they have - even with the nice matchups. That goes especially for Gore. 23 Points is ludicrous. He's more likely to have 23 injuries this week than fantasy points. But other than that, this team looks solidly built and has a decent schedule throughout. But we've said that every year about this team and just like Kirstie Alley, it never works out.

6. HopeMongers (xj) - Up until Monday night, the HopeMongers had a sliver of hope. Now they are just mongerererreerers. And with lingering injuries already to Braylon Edwards and Adrian Peterson, hope may not be enough - you may need CHANGE. YFTS recommends a blockbuster trade now, instead of your annual huge week 9 trade. Your lineup is what experts call a Heidi Montag Lineup. One that looks really good in all the right places upon first glance, but after even brief examination, makes you want to stab stab stab it and prevent it from ever releasing another music video let alone an entire album. So you can make a decent trade now, or maybe try what Spencer Pratt should have done along time ago - Jump off a building into a pile of razorblades and lemon juice. Just a thought.

7. Original Gangstas (rm) - Week 2 saw great improvement for the OG's but unfortunately was on the receiving end of a 160 pt bitch slap. We're expecting a win this week for the OG's but at 0-2 it's already do or die for the OG's. Every year this team gets more depressing. It's like watching a Care Bear with a raging meth addiction - it's a shell of itself, is often desperate, and every now and then steals a win. Plus even though mostly harmless, it could still hurt you because it's a bear, right? Also, you're hairy. The power of my analogies knows no bounds.

8. Country First (sc)
- We're still not sure you actually won a game, but Yahoo! seems convinced, so we'll go with it for now. Week 2 gave you a gift as the 84 pts posted could only beat one team - which happened to be the one you were playing. The return of Stephen Smith may help you out, and it looks like you took the necessary step of replacing Peyton Manning with Jay Cutler. Think about that right now. Jay Cutler over Manning is a no brainer. I've seen shit less crazy than that after licking toads for an hour. The problem for you is just when you figured out your lineup, you are coming up against some of the better teams in the FUFL. And let's be honest, until you post a score over 100 pts, everyone is excited to see Country First on their schedule. You get that warm fuzzy feeling - like the one you get when you see old friend. And then you get to pummel that deadbeat's face into the sidewalk until it looks like a wet raisin. What can I say, I'm a softie.

9. Rocky Mountain High (cr) - New Rule: no one has to pay their dues to you until you win a game. How you bench Eddie Royal for Roy Williams in Week 2 makes me question your brain functionality. You got screwed by McGahee not suiting up the first game, and now Hurricane Ike benched him again. I'm pretty sure it was God's way of benching both teams out of disgust. He truly is an Awesome God. I think it was Ecclesiastes where he said,

"And Lo, the LORD said 'The Ravens and Texans are fucking miserable to behold. If they ever come together, people are going to start wondering if I know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck this game. Junior, turn on the sprinkler.' And it was GOOD."

Should you fix the McGhahee situation, you have a shot against a reeling OG's. I know I give you a lot flak, but don't concede the season just yet. Week 5. Then it's over.

10. Gold Diapers (dp) - Having a baby is the single most effective way to ruin your FUFL season. The best part of your team is that we get to see Yahoo!'s cool new feature: the Random Vernon Davis Projection Generator. 9.54? Why the fuck not!? This team is in dire need of an RB - perhaps one of the many on the staff of this week's opponent? Laurence Maroney is probably the worst RB in fantasy football. By every measure, he should be out there killing it. Instead, he's used sparingly, can't get a rhythm, and is apparently made of stage-glass. Until you get rid of him, you're going to be just like every other Maroney-owner - caught on video with your pants down while attempting to make love to the grill of your truck.

I hate it when that happens. Mostly because once the truck gets pregnant you have to pay child support. Do you have any idea how much gas is these days? I knew I should have hooked up with that Hybrid instead. Damn it all.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Effed in the A (FUFL Week 1)

Welcome back FUFL. This is the first Power Rankings and there's already a huge shuffle from the conventional wisdom of the preseason. Basically ever important fantasy player was hurt in week 1 - and it left at least one owner asking why his QB couldn't have just gone missing with a loaded weapon instead of tearing two knee ligaments. This week Sammy Morris becomes the permanent vulture, We forsee throwing buckets of beer at one owner in particular, and we relate our own personal story of an adrenaline-filled left turn. Plus supermodels have been sexed and street urchins have shit wiped on them. Pretty standard stuff really.

1. Bigfoot's Rubber (CL) - This team came out in week one like a team scorned - winning by over 72 points. Holy schnikes. That's more than Country First's total. The solid numbers posted by Brees and Willie Parker carried this team but ultimately it was the performance turned in by Sammy Morris that energized this team. With a renewed focus on the running game this season, Morris owners are well positioned - he is the ultimate vulture for Maroney on first through third downs and especially at the goal line. When Maroney is at home with a lady friend, Morris comes in from foreplay to right before cuddling. The Week 2 match up against Brady's Knee presents a ripe opportunity to take down the only real threat in the Youhas Memorial Division. It also represents a chance to exact revenge on one who enjoyed watching the shimmer of the NFL get a little bit duller with the injury of one Thomas Brady. YFTS even took a moment to pour out a 40oz full of crystal and the sweat of recently-sexed supermodels onto his marble floor in honor of this fallen hero. Mourn ya till we join ya.

2. Puke and Rally (WA) - It's not a question of who failed you (everyone except Gore, Michael Turner in the flex, and your defense) but of who failed you most? Bulger who barely pulled more points in a game than Tom Brady did in 8 minutes of one season? Holmes, Colston? Actually the one who failed you most was YOU. Leaving Favre vs Miami on the bench was the worst idea ever. I can see why you might leave edge on the bench b/c you had more faith in Gore's ability to dominate the game, but QB vs Miami is a no brainer. You rallied to just under 2 pts away from a needed Division win. That's enough to make anyone want to puke. I'm not sure how Shockey got the points he did. Does Yahoo add a few on there for games he doesn't quit on his team and sulk from the owner's box?

3. Pile On Guys (MW) - This team is stacked with talent, but only barely cracked 100pts. That will probably change with Bowe taking a WR spot and Fargas taking over for Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis. The bad news is that leaves you as the guy who cares about the Oakland v KC game. If someone were to ask me to turn the game to Oak-KC I would throw my beer at them. Then the rest of the bottles. Then the ice in the bucket. Then the bucket. The Minnesota D almost lost you the contest, so the addition of the Arizona D was necessary. The real question is what to do when TJ Housh is still tanking at week 3? If you said "punch a cop!" you're right!

4. Hopemongers (XJ) - Like most years, this team looks like an early contender for the playoffs. With Romo, Edwards, Plax, and Adrian Petersen, it's hard to see you losing week after week. The undoing of this team will be its weakness at TE now that Young has the crazies and did not show an interest in throwing to Crumpler, like the smart person who told to get him for that exact reason advised you. With Matt Ryan surpassing initial expectations beyond EPIC FAIL, Roddy White lingers as trade bait for a decent tight end. Then again, the Hopemongers may decide to keep him so they can boast the most Whites on their roster. Racist.

5. Brady's Knee (MS) - Artfully named team, though gives new meaning to the term Knee-Jerk. YFTS's only solace is that you have Wes Welker taking up space in your lineup. You gonna bench him for Berrian?? or Reggie Williams??? of course not. But who else is out there? You gonna get someone off the waiver wire? This team generally puts up decent numbers and is a threat at anytime, but the truth is the loss of Brady hurt you and you know it. Maybe you can trade one of your shitty RB's. Or maybe you can just eat shit and die. Whichever.

Interdivision Play Summed up in a Picture

6. Country First (SC) - Welcome to the FUFL. Here's an introductory video providing insight into your FUFL experience. In this scenario, the chick is the FUFL, and you are the dude. And everyone else is the gang of dudes beating the crap out of you saying "How can YOU slap?!!! FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Good for you for trying to fight back against the bitch though. Kudos.

Anyone else find it interesting that the mob members swear in English?

Your country may come first, but your team was dead fucking last this week. Hey, at least you can always look to this link (when signed into the league page that is) and remember one day when a neurotic overly-informed windbag made an irrational statement about your team's prospects.

7. Gold Diapers (DP) - This team is amazing - in 2006. Though the RB situation this year is particularly distressing - with every Larry Johnson carry you can actually hear his bones creaking and spinal fluid dripping from his ears. Lee Evans will enjoy fucking with you throughout the season, so that should be fun. If Randy Moss was wasted on this team before, he's now just another decent receiver, which is not what you need. Your diapers may be golden, but the fact that you need diapers is the larger issue.

8. Original Gangstaz (RM) - This may be the highest the OG's get this year. The Gangstaz are in a deep division and their inter-division prospects do not look favorable. And this is the first time in many years you don't have a combo to rely on/drag you down. You don't even have a tandem. How you have McNabb on your roster without another decent QB to plug in when he gets hurt in week 4 or 5 is beyond me. Look, I'm an adrenaline junkie too, but even I take precautionary measures in my thrill seeking. One time I was at a busy intersection that clearly stated "No Left Turn b/w 4pm and 6pm" But you know what? I had some where to be, so I took the risk. But unlike you, I used my signal! And that made all the difference. True story.

9. Cin City (BM)
- After placing 2nd in 2008, Cin City starts the year placing 2nd to last in the first FUFL Power Rankings. With the turd-tastic cobo of Palmer and Utecht, expect great things for this team. Great shit-covered things, that smear to the bottom of your shoe and fail to come off - even when you wipe off your shoes vigorously on the nearest street vagrant. Greg Jennings lived up to the hype but that's mostly because teams have so little film on Aaron Rodgers at this point. At least Denver had something to review on McFadden (and it showed). Once teams figure out Rodgers (next week) expect a fall-off in Jennings' production. This team has a strong WR lineup, but no one dependable week in and week out. It's like when I go into Applebees - I know there is a hot chick who works behind the bar, but I can never pin down what her schedule is with any regularity. Some days she's there, some days she isn't and it's ridiculously frustrating to waste your time waiting for her to show. That's why I'm going to give her this tracking anklet. I'm such a cheesy romantic!

10. Rocky Mountain High (CR) - For week 1, a visual aid might be needed to fully demonstrate the level of FAIL your team achieved:

You lost your best player 8 minutes into your season, and Willis McGahee didn't even put his uniform on. Chad Jochocinchonson put his uni on but might as well have sat out too. Now you have to go up against one of the stronger teams in your division (and the entire league). Add to that nobody has paid their dues yet.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Return of the FUFL (again)

A few weeks ago, I woke and knew something was different. I had dreamed of newness and rebirth; where my head achieved a clear state and I felt deep rest. Upon waking up I realized the FUFL Draft had taken place where grown men kept talking about their stupid babies and I pulled out clumps of hair in my sleep after drafting an already-injured Kevin Curtis. Welcome back FUFL, good bye hairline. The following PSA should be shown before every FUFL season, as it is the perfect metaphor for how this league works. Sure it offers you a brief respite from the summer camp that is your life, but before you know it, you're doing dirty smack in a windowless room while a crying Amy Poehler tries to lick you. And that's just week 3.

This year the FUFL moves into the uncharted territory of being a PLUS league and all the bells and whistles that affords the idiots in this league - many of whom are routinely distracted by bells, whistles, pretty colors, and blinking lights already. And that's just while driving. With the PLUS status, the format also changes to Division Play each balanced with past winners and losers. Mostly losers. We have the Weaver and Youhas Memorial Divisions - nostalgically named for two former FUFL managers who think they are better than the rest of us. To honor their memory we mock them in a forum where they are unable to defend themselves. That truly is the FUFL way. And as with any loss, someone is bound to benefit from cloudy grief-riddled decision making, and with that we welcome Team Chance to the FUFL fold. Way to take advantage, ass. Let us know if this cuts too much into your more reliable grifting of elderly widows and disabled veterans.

As an added bonus for us PLUS people, there is this handy little page, which does all that fancy math YFTS brutally abuses year after year. Paying someone else to think for you is a proven strategy for success. But the fact that you all paid someone else to think for YFTS, well I am just flattered at how much you want YFTS to succeed.

The season holds much promise: upsets, ridiculously painful injuries to opponents starters, not paying the treasurer, perhaps we will even have a live blog or two. But just know this. the FUFL and YFTS is back. Enjoy the games this weekend, because once the games end and the season really begins, you can do no right.