Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Rankings of Power: Week 10

Aaaaaand we're back. After extensive rehabbing of this site's AGASL (Anterioir Give-a-Shit-Ligament), YFTS is back and ready to mock you in paragraph form - complete with tired celebrity references and the kind of sexual deviance that you've not only come to expect, but that is also wildly inappropriate for your workplace computer. I must also say that while laid up with the AGASL injury, I used the free time to tap my artistic side. And your mom. I totally tapped your mom. Ahhh it's good to be back. This week we have our first playoff spot clinched, Nickelback welcomes a team into its fold of douchebaggery and one of you has that gross yet irresistible band-aid smell. Also Ben Franklin gets totally pwn3d.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - The Plumbers got an easy win over the now 2-9 OG's. Randy Moss will be back in Week 11, bumping Shaun McDonald and his negative 15 yards rushing back to the bench. The WR corps is the only weak spot on this team, now that Vinny T is hucking the ball in the general direction of Steve Smith. Moss easily compensates for the lack of production (he's been involved in 84% of the Pats plays so far) and the host of RB's waiting in the wings will keep the flex spot filled throughout the playoff. The Plumbers can put any WR in there just for shits (which is technically what Shaun McDonald is anyway). You may be lauded for clinching the first FUFL playoff spot, but may we remind you that comes with a price. A price of rooting for the New England Patriots - whose members account for a whopping 20% of your total points. Sure, you may root for the Bills this weekend, but every time Randy Moss scores, and every JP Losman/Edwards INT - a part of you will be happy. Rugs on Valium will put up a fight this week and you need all the points you can get. You can get your homerism on with Marshawn Lynch, but we all know you've sold your soul to the devil for FUFL glory.

2. Mailer's Provocateurs (MW) - Despite the french sounding name, this team has surrendered but once in the last 8 weeks (and that was a barn-burner). But a new, metaphysical challenge awaits in the OG's who inexplicably OWN the Provocateurs, despite their lack of success elswhere in the FUFL. History does not seem likely to repeat itself, as the MP's roster is Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-stacked for week 11. We will note that except for the kicker, the OG's entire roster (at time of this typing) is at home for week 11, while the MP's for the most part are on the road. Post OG's, the schedule looks favorable for this team, especially if Adrian Peterson returns in time for the playoffs. Some are already oepnly questioning if Peterson will be a more hesitant runner, or have to change his style due to a knee brace. However, if I recall my historical facts, remember when Forrest Gump had those knee braces on and then ran so fast his 'magic' leg braces came apart and he outran a truck of hooligans? That was awesome.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This team has been consistent all season, thanks to a decent draft and a shrewd roster-assault on Cin City (you got Addai for a random Chicago TE, Earnest Graham, and Donald Driver? Holy shitballs). That's why we are happy to bestow the YFTS
Nickleback Award
to the Dogpound. On the commemorative plaque, the inscription reads,

"This award is presented to the FUFL team who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere at once; given in recognition of constant production, and the kind of inexplicable continued success that annoys the shit out of me."

I sat down at my computer to find Nickelback lyrics that summed up your team but everytime I tried to, my neighbor would start thumping against my walls telling me to 'stop that fucking screaming.' Neighbors. Gah. This week's biggest issue is choosing the right roster among your rmany options. With Selvin Young and Chester Taylor (Ed Note: traded for Torry Holt? Fuck.) both at your disposal as starters, there's almost too much RB talent to squeeze into the 3 spots. Perhaps you'll put Maroney in there to have a match up against Jamal Lewis, and achieve some kind of cathartic release that makes you feel good about that turd of a trade. I usually get someone to choke me while naked in an elevator, but whatever works for you. Freak.

Congratulations, MVDP. Welcome to our elite Hall of Mega-Mediocrity.

4. Angel Lusters (CL) - I know what you are thinking, "How the hell does this team belong here, leapfrogging over teams with better records and way more consistency?" Well, I'll tell you young lady - the Angel Lusters have dropped over 160 points on its opponents two weeks in a row, while your "better teams" are all struggling to stay at .500 on the season. This team is all about power right now and has two weeks of momentum behind it. And finally, as Margaret Thatcher famously said, "Smell my taint." (Fun Fact: There is a controversy about this quote because she said it in that funny British accent where you drop the 't' at the end, so no one knows if she said taint or tayne or tain, or something else. True Story). This team is the typical FUFL team that kind find its gear until its too late. Just a few weeks ago, in an attempt to come back too early from the aforementioned AGASL injury, we wrote of this (our) team, "The Angel Lusters have blah blah blah basically this game made me want to die. After getting hollowed out by Brett Favre with an 82 yard TD pass to lost last week, I just want to lay down and get used to this." And two weeks later, we're at #4. After this week's loss to MVDP, we're back to the basement. The sunlight... it burns.

5. Cin City (BM) - If this team considers trading Addai away as a 'retarded' move, then trading Adrian Peterson for 3 players who collectively aren't going to immediately make your team better (or play at all for that matter), makes you this guy:


There's something about this team that keeps us paying attention. Like a band-aid that's been on too long, you keep smelling it even though it's totally gross. But there's something about that smell - unlike any other - and perhaps that's what brings us back time and time again. The idea of novelty even in a chaotic environment. The chance for healing. The knowledge that your body will repair itself and that when given the chance, it defaults to a place of comfort and goodness. On the other hand, your wound may be totally infected and the smell is actually rotting flesh succumbing to the same kind of bacteria that makes you trade Addai and Peterson for Chad Johnson, Donald Driver, Kenny Watson, and Priest Holmes (you're better off pretending that Greg Olsen and Earnest Graham were never part of the mix. It makes you look idiotic). Maybe we're being too quick to judge here. After getting bent over a barrel time and time again, does the wood begins to smooth over and actually become quite comfortable?

6. Kool Aid Maroney (DP) - One a three game losing streak is rough, but the seeds of this were planted in week 6 - which was the last time this team put up a big point total. Since then, Kool-Aid had a close win over a lousy team, and three terrible defeats. Which is worse - losing by a half a point or not cracking 90 for two straight weeks? To be sure, this team is still capable of breaking through a wall, shouting "Oh Yeahhhhh!" to an amused gang of kids who seem not to care that a talking pitcher of juice just smashed the wall in. Your studs of the past are being put out to stud in the present (you see what I did there? Please send Nobel Prize to Literachure to YFTS, c/o the chief. kthxbai!). The 49ers QB's are terrible to the point where the run game can't be set up, and your WR situation is pretty lousy. I'm sure both you and Bridget Moynahan are praising the lord that Tom Brady is back on the field. You've got a tough matchup against Xian Drools, who demonstrated a resurgence in last week's loss. The playoffs are fast approaching and a continued losing streak will keep you out of the playoff hunt for sure. The Good news is you'll have plenty of opportunity to blog about it on your blog where you bloggity blog on blogging about blogs that blog their blog or something. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, because I don't know what that word means. Is that some sort of Hippo gang? Like the Bloods and the Crits or something? Nature's funny.

7. Rugs on Valium (WG) - We'll be honest. Teams 7-9 are basically tied for 7-9th place. This list could be totally switched around and would still be accurate for a litany of reasons that pierce with truth. If you were desperate, and looking for filler, you might even call these reasons Litany Spears.

*Awkward Silence*

Ahem. Anyway, the Rugs have cobbled together a 2 game win streak with a roster of players who otherwise aren't terribly remarkable. Trading Torry Holt for Chester Taylor acknowledges a hole in the running game - especially as Marion Barber and Julius Jones continue to split carries for no earthly reason other than for Wade Phillips to fuck with you. You are likely to give the number one team a run for its money, seeing as Joey Galloway should matchup well against Atlanta, and every TD by Wes Welker at the flex spot will be an emotional irritant to your opponent. YFTS is once again picking RoV despite the historical fact that every time we pick them for an upset, they lose. Seriously - it's such a fact you can look it up in big thick books - ummm right here between Ben Franklin helping Marty McFly get back to the future from the past/future and the exact height and weight of Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was fucking HUGE).

8. Xian Drools (CJ) - Sorry dood. This team had a nice win in Week 9 and though they lost, XD put up the second best score of Week 10. Why not higher in the rankings considering earlier this season he defeated his next three opponents? That's a good question. The short answer is: this is not the same team it was in those early weeks. And too many things need to go right to pull it off. Bulger needs to revive from the dead, Andre Johnson needs a quality QB (Sage Rosenfels will have a rough time going forward. Mark my words). Santonio Holmes is no longer the new "It-Girl" on the Steelers. There are some good signs in Shockey getting open and holding onto the ball, Colston waking up from his coma, and Portis being injury free through 10 weeks. But without those freakish numbers that John Kitna was putting up at the beginning of the season, you'll probably win one out of your next three. Given the resurgence of the teams above you, that might not be enough for an FUFL playoff spot. It is good enough for a hug. C'mere buddy. Awwww that's it. You're safe now. You're safe. Papa isn't gonna let anyone hurt you no more.

9. Die Nasty (CR) - Yahoo has you at 6th, yet here you are dubbed within odor distance of the OG's. How has that come to pass? Well until your season point total has a comma in it, you will be here at the bottom. Die Nasty has won some squeakers, and since mid season has been alternating weekly between wins and losses. The injuries to Harrison and LJ are just devastating going forward - as you have missed out on some key points the last two weeks that would decide any tie-breakers. Assuming you put Stallworth in for Berrian, this week is not an impossile matchup, but Roddy White in the flex spot is gonna kill you. It hurts to look at. You know when you see punks all pierced and tattooed up and you wonder "why would someone do that to themselves?" That's what Roddy White is. And he's piercing your balls.

10. Original Gangstas (RM) - The good news for the OG's is they have a history of FUFL victory over the Provocateurs. The bad news is pretty much everything else. Sure your roster is at home, but is Shaun Alexander gonna get you more points nailed to the bench at home? Is Willis McGahee and the entire Baltimore RB corps going to rack up more points if Billick ignores the passing game at home? We'd like to see Warrick Dunn in at the flex spot for sure this week. We'd also like see the historical streak against the Provacateurs continue. It's more important than ever this time, because I don't think we can get in touch with Benjamin Franklin to go back to the future. His phone number is unlisted I heard. For a Founding Father, he seems kinda like a little bitch, huh?

Marty McFly is about to lose his constitution.