Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Someday

Power Rankings are coming, children. This week has required me to work AT work. And out of principle I don't believe in using my free time at home to do anything related to the FUFL. I'm too busy complaining to Wifey that even though Thanksgiving was last week, I'm still semi-covered in gravy. Take a Shower she says. Right. As if things were really that easy.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Predictions from Week 11

RIGHT
Who Will Step Up – Dallas Pass Defense
OG’s Upset Win
Pitt D no different than Minn D (2 pts. Eh)
Predicted ALMOST exact score of Loftii /Revenge Game (wrong on who would win) off by less than a point. This shit is worth two BlowHard pts. Holla.

WRONG
Benching Philip Rivers is a bad idea (less than a point wrong, I might add)
Barring another 4-TD game from LT, this week should be a cakewalk (for the Loftii) over the Revenge – Turned out to be three TD’s…
Who Will Step Up: Crumpler, Grossman
Foster did not recover. Egad. Same points and an injury.

SORTA IN BETWEEN
The key to winning for Wear would be Baltimore defense. (If he had played them, would have given bigger cushion)

Right = 6, Wrong = 6

BlowHard pts this week: Even.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Power Rankings Week 11

This week – the Germans are actually winning something, parental advice for a Runza, Johnny Tremaine is a pussy and my uncle looks forward to a good humping from the FUFL’s expert. Plus, as if you needed one, we give you one more reason to hate Derek Jeter.

1. Schadenfreude – for those of you who were not curious enough to look up the definition, it means “a malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.” I however am pretty sure it is a typo, as the same letters spell out, “a hundred feces.” Which is coincidentally, the exact worth of Chester Taylor’s services at RB. Taylor next goes up against a surprising Miami D. This team is still putting up serious points, except at the TE spot. Wow. Imagine if you had Colston – oh wait, you opponent does. That’s like having your diamond encrusted glock ripped off you from some wangstas while you was keepin’ it real, only to be cut down by that same gat later that week while you out hustlin’. The key to winning the second big game in a row will be your Baltimore defense. If it neutralizes your opponent’s unpredictable (in a bad way) QB, you’ll be all set with a good seed in the playoffs. Too bad ‘Schadenfreude’ also spells, “Ha, Crud Defense.”

2. Farvehgwhatever - If it’s possible to cut and run to victory, this team is doing it. Unlike the ‘dead hooker pile’ in my closet, a five game win streak cannot be ignored. Obviously Vick has to have an incredible game against the consistently best defense in the league – who finally can taste the playoffs. Your problem is that your top two RB’s are going against top 5 Running defenses (Dallas -3rd, NE 5th). However, both Dallas and NE are softer against the pass, so hope for a lot of screen passes. Benching Philip Rivers is probably a bad idea, no matter what the projections say. That reminds me, I want to start a band that plays company conferences called, Power Point & the Projections. I’ve been inspired by this guy. If that don’t get me some high quality trim, I don’t know what will.





Quick aside: is this what Schadenfreude is? Cause it runs down my leg every time I watch this.

3. Hurricane Loftus – still seeking that elusive 1st or 2nd ranking, the Loftii are making the case for a girlie drink to be on top. Barring another 4-TD game from LT, this week should be a cakewalk over the Revenge. It’s amazing that Barber has only one TD yet leads the league in yards. But Monday will not be his day. Jacksonville is 2nd against the pass and will be able to keep the Giants one dimensional. Who will step up? Crumpler, Grossman, and the Dallas pass Defense – helpfully neutralizing your opponents top WR. The last time the Loftii played the Revenge, the score was 100.80 - 93.33 in Loftus’ favor. I predict the same score this week. You know what else I predict? That after seeing this, you’ll respect your mother, for once.





4. Rocky Mountain High – in 10 weeks, only 5 games over 100pts, and yet here you are, like a missionary at my doorstep, refusing to go away until I get out my Missionary Club and show them the wrath of Lucas (bloodier than God, and with much more taunting). By all accounts, you should have this game locked against the OG’s, especially because every single player in your starting lineup is at home (first time this has happened in the FUFL all season). However, because I am smarting from the fact that I wrote a check out to you and you cashed it, I predict an upset loss to an ambivalent OG’s. This is a gut feeling here. Which is much better than my last gut feeling which I would classify as, “Mexico Burning.” Hey, the life of a drug mule isn’t glamorous 24/7, folks.

5. Up and Atom – As iron clad as the “no cutsies” rule in 5th grade homeroom, so is the rule that U&A does not win unless it tops 100pts. This week it may not matter, as you play against the a team with the unpredictability and savvy of your average urinal cake. If Tennessee can keep it a low scoring game, maybe the game will be interesting. Then again, if I could just convince my coworkers that my turds will be valuable someday, they’d hang out with me. Until then, I’m forced to file them away in my desk. And no Mr. Hygiene, plastic bags are not an option – you think these are fucking comic books? Damn. Perhaps U&A is distracted at the looming implosion of their favorite Yankee, Derek Jeter, who was “giggling with a girl”:

God the Yankees are so screwed. Say what you will about Alex Rodriguez, but he's never been described as "giggling with a girl". Not only that, but good luck caring about baseball when you can go home and get on top of Jessica Biel. I don't care what your job is, you're gonna do it half assed if Jessica Biel is waiting for you. You could be a judge at the Victorias Secret Blowjob Olympics and you'd still do that "c'mon c'mon c'mon" thing with your hand. (link)

6. Bob Knight Meltdown – You and I had the same week. You wandered around this week shaking your head and slowly muttering, ‘bulger, bulger’ and I did too. Well technically I was saying ‘bulge’ and pointing to my loins in front of city tour groups, but same difference. Foster disappointed last week, but will recover in week 11 for your decisive win over the Rageless Runzas. To be honest, I think if you dropped Cadillac Williams and Wally Lundy, those empty roster spots would put up better points. Anthony Thomas proved to be a wise waiver wire pickup and replacing the Minnesota D with the Pittsburgh D is sort of like a Folgers taste test - basically the same thing, and it’s hard to tell which one I dipped my balls in.

7. Original Gangstas – You’ve beaten RMH before, gangstas – with basically the exact same team. That kind of longevity is unheard of in this league and usually only known among the many women I’ve bedded. With a lot of starters at home, the OG’s have a real chance at an upset. But you’re 5-5 and given the records and point totals of other teams, you basically have no shot at the playoffs without someone collapsing. That reminds me of the time my public defender said, “You have no shot at parole without the witness collapsing.” And what do you know? She damn well did. Right there on the stand in open court, right between the eyes. As the smoke trailed from my .45, I looked down at my attorney and said, “problem solved.” But little did I know another problem had just begun – because people were looking at me and I didn’t know where to hide a gun in the courtroom.

8. Buckeye’s Revenge – The other night I watched my dog hump my uncle’s leg (Wednesday’s are slow). As we rooted him on to finish, to keep going, to not stop till he gets there – my uncle shook him off and we all left a little disappointed. I was wondering where I had seen this before, and it turns out it’s your team. We’re rooting for you, but you can’t finish. This whole season, you’ve been dryhumping my uncle. So aside from the general awkwardness of the situation, you know – because he likes it – I think you deserve the season Dryhumper Award. But why stop there? You can’t be the only one out there who suffers from this. So to you I propose creating a web based community where the other fantasy dryhumpers across America can share their pain in a hump-free environment.

Generated Image

That’s a free idea. Good luck. My uncle would like a membership.


9. Raging Runzas – Runza, we need to talk. Your team is getting it’s ass handed to it as if it were a Shit Sammich, and not a Runza full of Rage. Worse yet, you are pinning your hopes of an upset on the O-Line of Arizona and Oakland (Schadenfreude ran down my leg just from typing that). But the real concern here is for your daughter. What kind of role model are you becoming? Getting slapped around by a bunch of dudes and taking it like it’s your job. No, you must show her a positive influence. So this holiday, why not get her Barbies Hot Tub Party playset. That way you can show her the empowering side of getting slapped around by a bunch of dudes and taking it like it’s your job. Who knew fatherhoold only cost $59.99.


Note: I may have crossed a line here, but you live very far away from me. And I have set up trip wires in case you come and get me. So when those cans on a string start clankin’ I know you’ve trapped me in my cubicle.


10. Shit Sammich – When you’re low, you’re low. And just like a flu shot injects a little bit of the flu to protect you from it, the Sammich injects a bit of the Curse of Trent Green into the roster to… err… who knows. I’ve never been good with shots. Everytime I get one at the doctor’s office, I faint. Mostly it’s because the alley he works in smells like old tuna and vagrants. And sure - he has one eye, bleeds from the nose constantly, thinks he’s Paul Revere, and calls me “a pussy like that Johnny Tremain” while wrapping my arm in tinfoil, but you know what? At least he smells like piss.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Reading the Coffee Grounds: Week 10 Breakdown -

Looking back at Week 10 predictions, I was:

Wrong about Wear vs. Syz
Wrong about Ryan vs Povia
Wrong about Election Nightmare winning AND 100pt game trend
Wrong about Pats v Jets.
= -5 blow-hard pts

However, I was

Right
about Steve Smith avenging Death (24 pts. 1 TD instead of 2)
Right about Runza loss
Right about Buckeye’s getting good points (115.90 pts) and needing them for another time (week 9 anyone?)
Right about Sammich losing
Right that I would be drunk at Gilette.

= +6 blow-hard pts

Week 10 - +1 on the BlowHard index. (=accidentally credible)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Power Rankings - Election Edition - Week 10

This week we have a class of officeholders, Steve Smith showing up Death, batteries are swallowed, and a proposed Brocktoon Platform. Plus a deserving karate kick to the throat, and we learn why no one should go near the boss’ purse ever again.

1. President/Benevolent Dictator/Fuhrer: EcoTerrorists – With a game’s worth of points between the others with similar records, EcoTerrorists is putting some distance between his competitors. The last meeting of this team and its week 10 Up and Atom opponent was a barnburner (140.57 - 136.07). That team is gone – with only three original starters remaining – Chester, Gore, and Baltimore D. All of whom sound like gang leaders or myspace aliases. Yo, if you don’t add Baltimore D to your top friends, homey’s gonna represent, and throw 16 in the clip and one in the hole.” At least that’s what Nate Dogg told me. Anyway, in the end this week you lose and you’ll be ranked third in two weeks, after you have to play a surging Cut&Runner in week 11, while Up & Atom eats a Shit Sammich. It’s not fair, but you know what? Chicken Butt.

2. Vice President/Military Junta Leader: Up and Atom – Sure, the VP here has been on a 2 game losing streak, but you can chalk up a win this week (as long as Westbrook plays), a win next week (Shit Sammiches taste bad, but like the doctor and my former prison cellmate said, “It’s good for you”), and some consistent point totals to keep you in place for the playoffs. Be nervous about Fred Taylor’s “thigh” injury, as this guy can get a toothache and be out for 4 weeks. I got a toothache once, and I went to the dentist and he told me to stop eating batteries. He might as well have told me to stop breathing. So I switched to AAA, and now wash them down with milk. You don’t impress Scarlett Johanssen by not eating batteries and putting them up on YouTube my friend. Let’s use some common sense here. Here’s a quick video of the Vice Prez vs. EcoTerrorists:




3. (Madame) Speaker of the House/Imposer of San Franciscan Values: Cutting & Running
– This was a tough call, but it’s hard to deny a 4 game win streak. C&R’s opponent has a history of missing the Yahoo projections, and his team’s running game is just stronger. Not only has this team won several straight, but it’s also figured out time travel, as the manager can clearly be seen as a boy in this recent photo. As for the week 10 game, it will be a squeaker for the Speaker, but C&R won’t be weaker, just a shrieker who’s bleaker and meeker, and sounds like Beeker . On a semi-related note, this crystal meth is fucking fantastic.

4. Senate President/Activist Judge: Hurricane Loftus
– This is the highest ranking this team has gotten, although after this week who knows. Two of its most productive starters are going against the Chicago D; which happens to be his opponent’s defense. Meanwhile Stallworth idles on the bench, as does MJDrew against a pourous Houston, both at HOME, while Owens is up against a due-for-a-comeback-game Arizona D and Portis isn't going to get going all that much as Philly is 4th against the pass. Like the troop-hating Democrats, your opponent will win not because of their vision, but because you lost it for yourself. That and you tried to blow your interns. Boss appreciation day just isn’t what it used to be, is it?

5. Governor/Angry Warlord: Election Nightmare
– This is a good week for an Election Nightmare. A solid running game that will take out opponents like they were New England Republicans. Since Week 3, this team has been putting up 100+ points, and that trend – like Americans wanting the government out of their fucking bedroom – will only continue. Thomas was indeed a good pickup and your quick thinking shows why you are considered an up-and-comer in your party. I’ve never been a member of a party at all, mostly because I refuse to join any party that won’t address my demand for a Brocktoon Platform. If I can’t be born unto new worlds where his flesh is my key, well then, this isn’t the America I thought it was.

6. Congressman/Sketchy Elected Judge: Rocky Mountain High
– You may be 6-3, but with no McGahee, it’s hard to see you getting similar numbers from your benchwarmers. Romo had a good outing last week, but don’t expect that to save you. And every player on your roster has a letter after their name (P/O/D/Q). It’s like playing scrabble but without the angry sex afterward, you know? Choosing between Romo and Favre is like deciding whether to take a piss or a dump in your boss’ purse. It’s a hard choice, both have their downsides, but you gotta choose one. I mean, you were dared and all.

7. Mayor/Corrupt Official: Orginial Gangstas
– Three games in a row for the OG’s with a good chance to make it 4 this week. We assume the OG’s put Smith into the lineup, after he comes back from attending a funeral. He’ll be especially pumped to play so that he can show that death who’s really the boss. See that Death? That’s two TD’s muthafucka! Stick that in your mug, Beeyotch!” and then Death will sink into his chair made of bones, because Smith is right, that’s two TD’s – right in his mug. The OG’s just have to stand around and watch their opponent lose this week. It’s like this video around the1:30 mark. Just send the Loftii a text saying that it’s over, and it’s over for good and there’s nothing he can do to make it better.



8. State Senator/Corrupt Official #2: Raging Runzas –It’s nice to see a little bit of rage from the Runzas, but last week was an anomaly and this week I had to look up the definition of anomaly. Beating an Up & Atom team that was more Philly-Lite than cream cheese (zing!) by the slimmest of margins is nothing to be proud of. Karate kicking an intruder in the throat and incapacitating them for life, on the other hand, is. And I don’t care if she was selling cookies – that girl scout was not invited in – ergo: intruding. A tough loss will occur this week and next, and the dying of the light approacheth no matter how much you rage. This Runza is getting moldy.

9. Dog Catcher: Buckeye’s Revenge
- The two worst teams play each other this week and this team has the edge. So, uhh contratulations for being just un-shitty enough to beat a pile of turd. Actually, the Revenge will put up huge numbers this weekend, and the point total will be wasted on defeating the Sammich. Too bad, because in week 11, you’ll be used like a blow-up sheep at a frat party. Which begs the question: why didn’t anyone join my fraternity?

10. LaRouche: Shit Sammich
- To add insult to injury, this team will be rooting for his opponents RB, as the Sammich travels to Gillette to root on the Pats. You can find him 9th row center behind the goalpost, awkwardly high-fiving strangers and awkwardly trying to get the crowd to yell “The Patriots are the better team in this football contest!!” As for this week, here’s a preview of Shit Sammich Vs. Buckeye’s:

FUFL Constitution. Putting the "Amble" in Preamble

We the man-children of the FUFL, in order to form a more perfect roster, establish running games, insure the absence of domestic civility, provide for the tenacious defense, promote the general welfare of our wallets, and secure the blessings of the football gods for ourselves and fiscal prosperity, do rank ourselves according to power, and establish pretty much nothing.


Personally, I loved voting. And when that internet pop-up came and asked me which party I supported, I voted like hell. Although it didn't redirect me to my local ballot initiatives, I did get a really cool page of hardcore porn. I'm sort of pissed off because there is no paper trail, and I don’t know if my vote was received by my town clerk. On the other hand, all that porn makes me forget my troubles. Electronic voting is the way of the future!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Sunday Night Press Conference Preview

CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT




(you need sound for this one)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I don't know why

This site looks so bad in Internet Exploiter. For best viewing (of the entire internet really), Firefox is the way to go. That is all.

Power Rankings Week 8

Power Rankings return with a sexy parties, a new charity organization, and this week's Playing with Fire Award. Plus find out how John Kerry is his own natural law, how there is hope for a Shit Sammich, and why Steve Winwood's ass is sore.

1. Rocky Mountain High - Number one until next week, because let's be honest. Beating a Shit Sammich is not exactly hard to do. The Loftus will fleece you in Week 9 mostly because I don't like you. You have my money. And you are either going to keep it and throw one of your "sexy parties" or give it to someone else who is not me so they can afford to attend your "sexy party." And you'll end up just like this – drunk and in a diaper making fun of a dog. Then again, that's where I end up most mornings anyway. Ladies, call me.





2. Up and In Them
– The winning streak is over, but you are still near the top. This team hasn't done much moving around (10 moves) and hasn't traded anyone; like turning on a car and letting it idle. If you thought it was tough against a newly determined if not effeminate Commissioner, your week 9 byes look even worse (or shall we say Philly-lite). You should be thankful that your Runza opponent has no real RB's in week 9. However, once Westbrook gets hurt (week 10) your victory hopes go with him. Then you'll realize you've been idling the car in the garage the whole time.

3. Tom Brady is No Queer – This team stated its goal was to be 6-3 by week 9. Well congratulations, it's nice to see a dream come true. You should be the founder of the Make-A-Shitty-Wish Foundation™ for fantasy football. It would go something like this: a different team realizes that they won't have the chance to handcuff themselves in a given week like you did (ex: Brady & Chester Taylor). And perhaps they also tack on a second wish that they could sit the best defense in the NFL. Since they can't, TBINQ will live that dream for them. You acted like 0.20 would have been a small margin of victory. Reminds me of the time I was telling Gisele Buchendedununchen how big I was (same number). She seemed unimpressed. Until I told her that was its width! Booyah!

4. Trade Wins me FUFL
– Benefitting from two trades, this team is the one to watch. Will the Commissioner pull off a late stretch run of wins? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his social life? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his porn surfing? No way, Jose. That's why you gotta root for this team – placing winning above dignity. This team LEFT 75 points on the bench this week. As of right now, TWMFUFL would have had almost 170 pts in an "optimal lineup" according to StatTracker. That's the highest of anyone so far. In fact, that's almost the same number of young women creeped out after hearing his version of what really happened on 9/11.

5. BUSH LEAGUE
– any question why this team hated "The Trade" so much? It stood to play both teams involved one right after the other. While this league was not Fleeced in week 8, you can expect it to fall to the Commissioner – all the while denying any personal accountability and that it's the fault of everything/everyone else. No one could have forseen that TWMFUFL had players of mass destruction. Remind anyone of a different, scarier Bush League? Your lineup for week 9 has some good matchups – Jacobs will get a lot of goal-line opportunities (if Barber doesn't make it that far himself from 20 yds or more), and Minnesota's defense will regroup for San Francisco. Quick question - I asked this of his mom then, and of you now: Why are you still carrying Wally Lundy?

6. Huricane Loftus
– this team is looking for a potential upset against the top seed. Like Bush League, matchups against Houston are the key. Given how many teams need Houston to lose, it is almost assured David Carrweck (get it?) and Co. will pull off an upset. The addition of Willie Parker looks like a solid move for you, despite the temporary controversy. Owens will have a good game against the Redskins, but every minute he is on the field, Portis is off. And if you're hoping for a high scoring game, it means Washington isn't running the ball. Also – for Portis to be effective, Brunnell has to throw a football to a receiver. Most of this, like my affair with Heidi Klum, is fantasy. The rest of it, like my affair with Seal, is awkward and full of song. But mostly just awkward.

7. Original Gangstas
- Without Manning, this team wouldn't even be a shit sammich. There are teams who are need of a good QB, and now that the Colts are past their bye, Brees would give you some good trade bait so you could upgrade your WR corps. We see you're also playing mind games by leaving in bye's until the last minute. As I've learned countless times from ex-girlfriends, psychological games just don't work. Now hypnosis on the other hand will have her hand down your pants every time you cluck like a chicken.

8. Buckeye's Revenge
– The only team to have cracked the 800 point mark without having at least a .500 winning percentage. This team dropped some serious knowledge on a (literally) defenseless Runza. We'll continue to question how he could bench the Chicago players opposing San Fran at home, mostly because it's fun to point out the glaring flaws of others. Like when I tell the homeless they're dirty, or Paris Hilton that she's alive. Don't expect Wayne to put up 38 against a good New England D this week, but you can bet your ass that Muhammed is going to have a great day if you leave him on your bench. It's a law of nature, like gravity. Or like John Kerry managing to fuck up an election he's not even a part of.

9. Raging Runzas
– Four games ago, this team was primed to be a contender. Now it is the winner of this week's Playing with Fire Award (7 used already!*). This makes sense, as the parallels are similar: a wife, a new baby, and the street credibility of a girl scout. No matter what you try from now on, you cannot be taken seriously. So how do you get back at them hatas? In the words of Helen Keller, you "Play on playa. Play on." It was either her or Jay-Z. I always get them mixed up because they both laugh like chicks who can't speak English.

Note: I would caution against buying this disc in its 'used' state. Once you try and play a CD that someone has used to wipe their ass, it totally fucks up your CD player. Take it from someone who's been there.


45. Shit Sammich
– Riding out a 5 game skid longer and more odious than the one I leave in my underoos everyday. Week 8 was a game more lopsided than Tara Reid's chest. Though week 9 looks promising, let's remember that even though Steve Winwood once sang, "I'll be back in the high life again/ All the doors I closed one time will open up again/ I'll be back in the high life again/All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in." - Keep in mind he wrote that about prison rape. To get into the playoffs, not only does this team need to win-out with an average of 150 pts per game, but every other team needs to lose all of their games. Impossible you say? I once thought so. But then again, I thought that a photo of a Disney character revealing the pierced nipple of a mouseketeer was impossible. There is hope yet.