Thursday, June 21, 2007

How to Catch a Snake

Jon Gruden is trying to "lure" retiring QB Jake Plummer to training camp. I have never been shy about my feelings towards Jake the Snake, and to be honest I was hoping Gruden planned to entice the bearded one onto what looked like a normal football field, but once Plummer stepped on it, he would fall into a pit of spikes that have skulls of other victims on them (they always do). Unfortunately for Tampa Bay, and the sport of football, Gruden wants Plummer to play instead:

Ten-year veteran Jake Plummer, acquired by the Buccaneers in a March 3 trade with the Denver Broncos, has not reported to this week's three-day minicamp. But Gruden continues to woo Plummer despite his stated intention to retire from the NFL, and acknowledged this week he will hold a roster spot open for him.

"We're talking about Jake Plummer here, so we'll reserve a roster spot for the 'Snake' a little while longer," Gruden said. "If it was Jake Jones or Jake Johnson or Jake Gruden, we'd probably bypass the holding pattern we're in right now. [But] this is one heck of a football player who has accomplished a great deal. At this point, he's retired, and hopefully, at some point, he changes his mind or reconsiders."

This is the kind of guy who isn't so much lured, but does the luring, if you know what I mean. All that's missing is a white van and a bag of candy.

My favorite quote is "We're talking about Jake Plummer here." Ummm.. yeah. You are. But if Gruden is intent on luring Plummer, here's what I found on the intertubes:

To Catch a Snake
1. Be sure the snake isn't venomous. You don't want your first attempt at snake catching to end in disaster! Observe the snake--its length, its colors, and other distinguishing features. Identify the species by using a search engine (e.g. +snake +red +yellow +"North Carolina"). If you are at all uncertain of what kind of snake it is, and are worried it might be venomous, call the local animal shelter ASAP and let them know before anyone gets hurt.
Analysis: Plummer is fantasy poison. You could drink a glass of lye and still have fewer stomach issues than putting him in your lineup. As for distinguishing features, that mustache is superb. Jake Plummer's other defining characteristic is that you have no idea what kind of QB he is at any given moment. So please, call the Tampa Bay Animal Shelter (727-586-3591)
2. Get a stick, or whatever you have at hand.
Analysis: This sounds promising. Go with it.
3. Hold the stick in view of the snake as a distraction. Snakes can only concentrate on one thing at a time. With its eyes on the object in front of it, the snake won't be as concerned with you, especially if you stand to one side
Analysis: Hmmm. Not where I thought it was going, but it might work. This singular-focus thing is new to me. It explains a lot of Plummers career. Like finding an open receiver AND throwing. I would suggest using the stick to poke him just in case. And by poke, I mean listen to that voice that saysstab stab stab stab stab.
4. Quickly and firmly grasp it directly at the base of the neck. This must be done close enough to the the head so the snake can't curve around and bite you. You might want to grab and hold the tail with your other hand so that it doesn't wrap around your wrist.
Analysis: This might be hard for Gruden, cause he's so little. Like Richie-Rich little.
5. Release the snake into an area that is far enough away to ensure the snake does not wander into your property again. When you let it go, let go of the head quickly, with the snake facing away from you, and step away immediately.
Analysis: This worked for the Broncos.

Personally, I like Alternate Method #1:
  1. Lay a large garbage can on its side (ie Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
  2. Sweep snake in with a household broom. Snake can easily be transported to a wilderness area, away from homes. Or is certain cases, a football field.

All this snake talk reminds me of my own encounter with the world's largest python - which was this morning, when I used the bathroom. Ladies, call me.

Sweet Cracker Sandwich

It's back. It's really coming back.

I haven't been this excited since the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Take THAT Lord Voldemort!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Adventures in Media-crity Part II

Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V strikes again. Only this time they went with the same headline. That's not lazy, that's just efficient.

Ed Note: Thanks to Reader BM for a second dose of sports laziness. Thanks to my BM for helping me lose all that weight this morning. Also,
this post's title is the BALLS.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sports Media is Easily Hypnotized

Stare into his cold, smoldering, hypnotic eyes. Or just use the image your competitor put up on their webpage. Either way.

Credit for this goes to Reader BM. Credit for clearing the men's room this morning goes to my BM.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Who Wants to go to Camp!

I love the Dugout. It's one of my all time favorites. If you do not read it, then you do a disservice to our national pastime - which means you do a disservice to our nation, and by extension, to our troops you freedom-hating terrorist, you.

Anyway, I am excited as hell for football, and in the spirit of minicamps everywhere, YFTS brings you the NFL Minicamp Chatroom:

QBQT: So Glad to be back at camp
with all u guyz. This'll be the best summer evah!

SlimVickings: Dunno dawg. I’m already
in trouble with the counselors. BTW, where the camp dogs at? I wanna fight one.
MarvelussMarvin: I love camp. Canoeing
and sailing are the bomb. PacmanCoJones: I'm down wi' dat!
Dis one chick I know get me into watersports. Setcha back $200 bones.

Favregnugen: Woah, Adam - you're done
for the season. You need to go. You're not allowed here! Alright, it's time to get down to business. First drills, and then canoeing. Here we go, deep post routes, Randy's on my team...

QBQT: Uh... no he's not. He's on mine.

Favregnugen: What? No... but I WANT HIM.
Fuck you guys, I'm taking my ball and going somewhere else, then.

ImFeelingRandy: Give me that ball right now.

/pries ball from QBQT

QBQT: Owww you're hurrrrting me. That was so selfish.

TakeaTeeOh: Someone call me?

ImFeelingRandy: Nah, false alarm, playa.

UnprotectedRex: When do we practice INT's?
I wanna throw so fucking bad right now. I could prolly throw it through a brick wall if I wanted.

QBQT: Let's do that instead of sack races! Can we
Unkie Favre? Can we?! Huh? Can We?!

Favregnugen: Eat my cornhole.


Favregnugen: Alright. Here's how it's gonna be:
Tom throws to Randy, Rex to TO, Vick to Marvin, and I'll throw to whoever we drafted for a WR.

TakeaTeeOh: Who dat is? DoraExplorah: Here I am Mr. Farve-y! Let's play!
I love Green things, Bays, and Packing! We'll have fun!

Favregnugen: Christ on a stick.

UnprotectedRex: Whoa... what's up 'lil hotness?

QBQT: Can she sign my baby next month?

SlimVickings: Aww snap dawg! I'd give her 9-1 against
some baby pups I got here in my jacket. She looks like a scrapper.

Favregnugen: You know what? Fuck all of you. Let's
just do this so we can at least tell ghost stories later! And what in the hell is all that creaking noise?!

MarvelussMarvin: My bones. PacmanCoJones: Do they hurt when it rains?

This Seems Excessive

According to Deuce of Davenport this video has been around for awhile, but I've never seen it. All I can wish is that I never do again. DoD sums it up best: "I cannot even describe how unfathomably violent this Japanese baseball commercial is."

I could be wrong, but I think the atomic bomb may have given rise to a superhuman breed of screaming baseball players. It's just a theory, but then again so is gravity. I rest my case.