Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Rankings of Power: Week 10

Aaaaaand we're back. After extensive rehabbing of this site's AGASL (Anterioir Give-a-Shit-Ligament), YFTS is back and ready to mock you in paragraph form - complete with tired celebrity references and the kind of sexual deviance that you've not only come to expect, but that is also wildly inappropriate for your workplace computer. I must also say that while laid up with the AGASL injury, I used the free time to tap my artistic side. And your mom. I totally tapped your mom. Ahhh it's good to be back. This week we have our first playoff spot clinched, Nickelback welcomes a team into its fold of douchebaggery and one of you has that gross yet irresistible band-aid smell. Also Ben Franklin gets totally pwn3d.


1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - The Plumbers got an easy win over the now 2-9 OG's. Randy Moss will be back in Week 11, bumping Shaun McDonald and his negative 15 yards rushing back to the bench. The WR corps is the only weak spot on this team, now that Vinny T is hucking the ball in the general direction of Steve Smith. Moss easily compensates for the lack of production (he's been involved in 84% of the Pats plays so far) and the host of RB's waiting in the wings will keep the flex spot filled throughout the playoff. The Plumbers can put any WR in there just for shits (which is technically what Shaun McDonald is anyway). You may be lauded for clinching the first FUFL playoff spot, but may we remind you that comes with a price. A price of rooting for the New England Patriots - whose members account for a whopping 20% of your total points. Sure, you may root for the Bills this weekend, but every time Randy Moss scores, and every JP Losman/Edwards INT - a part of you will be happy. Rugs on Valium will put up a fight this week and you need all the points you can get. You can get your homerism on with Marshawn Lynch, but we all know you've sold your soul to the devil for FUFL glory.

2. Mailer's Provocateurs (MW) - Despite the french sounding name, this team has surrendered but once in the last 8 weeks (and that was a barn-burner). But a new, metaphysical challenge awaits in the OG's who inexplicably OWN the Provocateurs, despite their lack of success elswhere in the FUFL. History does not seem likely to repeat itself, as the MP's roster is Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-stacked for week 11. We will note that except for the kicker, the OG's entire roster (at time of this typing) is at home for week 11, while the MP's for the most part are on the road. Post OG's, the schedule looks favorable for this team, especially if Adrian Peterson returns in time for the playoffs. Some are already oepnly questioning if Peterson will be a more hesitant runner, or have to change his style due to a knee brace. However, if I recall my historical facts, remember when Forrest Gump had those knee braces on and then ran so fast his 'magic' leg braces came apart and he outran a truck of hooligans? That was awesome.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This team has been consistent all season, thanks to a decent draft and a shrewd roster-assault on Cin City (you got Addai for a random Chicago TE, Earnest Graham, and Donald Driver? Holy shitballs). That's why we are happy to bestow the YFTS
Nickleback Award
to the Dogpound. On the commemorative plaque, the inscription reads,

"This award is presented to the FUFL team who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere at once; given in recognition of constant production, and the kind of inexplicable continued success that annoys the shit out of me."

I sat down at my computer to find Nickelback lyrics that summed up your team but everytime I tried to, my neighbor would start thumping against my walls telling me to 'stop that fucking screaming.' Neighbors. Gah. This week's biggest issue is choosing the right roster among your rmany options. With Selvin Young and Chester Taylor (Ed Note: traded for Torry Holt? Fuck.) both at your disposal as starters, there's almost too much RB talent to squeeze into the 3 spots. Perhaps you'll put Maroney in there to have a match up against Jamal Lewis, and achieve some kind of cathartic release that makes you feel good about that turd of a trade. I usually get someone to choke me while naked in an elevator, but whatever works for you. Freak.

http://fuseblog.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/03/20/nback.jpg
Congratulations, MVDP. Welcome to our elite Hall of Mega-Mediocrity.


4. Angel Lusters (CL) - I know what you are thinking, "How the hell does this team belong here, leapfrogging over teams with better records and way more consistency?" Well, I'll tell you young lady - the Angel Lusters have dropped over 160 points on its opponents two weeks in a row, while your "better teams" are all struggling to stay at .500 on the season. This team is all about power right now and has two weeks of momentum behind it. And finally, as Margaret Thatcher famously said, "Smell my taint." (Fun Fact: There is a controversy about this quote because she said it in that funny British accent where you drop the 't' at the end, so no one knows if she said taint or tayne or tain, or something else. True Story). This team is the typical FUFL team that kind find its gear until its too late. Just a few weeks ago, in an attempt to come back too early from the aforementioned AGASL injury, we wrote of this (our) team, "The Angel Lusters have blah blah blah basically this game made me want to die. After getting hollowed out by Brett Favre with an 82 yard TD pass to lost last week, I just want to lay down and get used to this." And two weeks later, we're at #4. After this week's loss to MVDP, we're back to the basement. The sunlight... it burns.

5. Cin City (BM) - If this team considers trading Addai away as a 'retarded' move, then trading Adrian Peterson for 3 players who collectively aren't going to immediately make your team better (or play at all for that matter), makes you this guy:

http://phogblog.com/ruprecht.jpg


There's something about this team that keeps us paying attention. Like a band-aid that's been on too long, you keep smelling it even though it's totally gross. But there's something about that smell - unlike any other - and perhaps that's what brings us back time and time again. The idea of novelty even in a chaotic environment. The chance for healing. The knowledge that your body will repair itself and that when given the chance, it defaults to a place of comfort and goodness. On the other hand, your wound may be totally infected and the smell is actually rotting flesh succumbing to the same kind of bacteria that makes you trade Addai and Peterson for Chad Johnson, Donald Driver, Kenny Watson, and Priest Holmes (you're better off pretending that Greg Olsen and Earnest Graham were never part of the mix. It makes you look idiotic). Maybe we're being too quick to judge here. After getting bent over a barrel time and time again, does the wood begins to smooth over and actually become quite comfortable?

6. Kool Aid Maroney (DP) - One a three game losing streak is rough, but the seeds of this were planted in week 6 - which was the last time this team put up a big point total. Since then, Kool-Aid had a close win over a lousy team, and three terrible defeats. Which is worse - losing by a half a point or not cracking 90 for two straight weeks? To be sure, this team is still capable of breaking through a wall, shouting "Oh Yeahhhhh!" to an amused gang of kids who seem not to care that a talking pitcher of juice just smashed the wall in. Your studs of the past are being put out to stud in the present (you see what I did there? Please send Nobel Prize to Literachure to YFTS, c/o the chief. kthxbai!). The 49ers QB's are terrible to the point where the run game can't be set up, and your WR situation is pretty lousy. I'm sure both you and Bridget Moynahan are praising the lord that Tom Brady is back on the field. You've got a tough matchup against Xian Drools, who demonstrated a resurgence in last week's loss. The playoffs are fast approaching and a continued losing streak will keep you out of the playoff hunt for sure. The Good news is you'll have plenty of opportunity to blog about it on your blog where you bloggity blog on blogging about blogs that blog their blog or something. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, because I don't know what that word means. Is that some sort of Hippo gang? Like the Bloods and the Crits or something? Nature's funny.

7. Rugs on Valium (WG) - We'll be honest. Teams 7-9 are basically tied for 7-9th place. This list could be totally switched around and would still be accurate for a litany of reasons that pierce with truth. If you were desperate, and looking for filler, you might even call these reasons Litany Spears.

*Awkward Silence*

Ahem. Anyway, the Rugs have cobbled together a 2 game win streak with a roster of players who otherwise aren't terribly remarkable. Trading Torry Holt for Chester Taylor acknowledges a hole in the running game - especially as Marion Barber and Julius Jones continue to split carries for no earthly reason other than for Wade Phillips to fuck with you. You are likely to give the number one team a run for its money, seeing as Joey Galloway should matchup well against Atlanta, and every TD by Wes Welker at the flex spot will be an emotional irritant to your opponent. YFTS is once again picking RoV despite the historical fact that every time we pick them for an upset, they lose. Seriously - it's such a fact you can look it up in big thick books - ummm right here between Ben Franklin helping Marty McFly get back to the future from the past/future and the exact height and weight of Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was fucking HUGE).

8. Xian Drools (CJ) - Sorry dood. This team had a nice win in Week 9 and though they lost, XD put up the second best score of Week 10. Why not higher in the rankings considering earlier this season he defeated his next three opponents? That's a good question. The short answer is: this is not the same team it was in those early weeks. And too many things need to go right to pull it off. Bulger needs to revive from the dead, Andre Johnson needs a quality QB (Sage Rosenfels will have a rough time going forward. Mark my words). Santonio Holmes is no longer the new "It-Girl" on the Steelers. There are some good signs in Shockey getting open and holding onto the ball, Colston waking up from his coma, and Portis being injury free through 10 weeks. But without those freakish numbers that John Kitna was putting up at the beginning of the season, you'll probably win one out of your next three. Given the resurgence of the teams above you, that might not be enough for an FUFL playoff spot. It is good enough for a hug. C'mere buddy. Awwww that's it. You're safe now. You're safe. Papa isn't gonna let anyone hurt you no more.

9. Die Nasty (CR) - Yahoo has you at 6th, yet here you are dubbed within odor distance of the OG's. How has that come to pass? Well until your season point total has a comma in it, you will be here at the bottom. Die Nasty has won some squeakers, and since mid season has been alternating weekly between wins and losses. The injuries to Harrison and LJ are just devastating going forward - as you have missed out on some key points the last two weeks that would decide any tie-breakers. Assuming you put Stallworth in for Berrian, this week is not an impossile matchup, but Roddy White in the flex spot is gonna kill you. It hurts to look at. You know when you see punks all pierced and tattooed up and you wonder "why would someone do that to themselves?" That's what Roddy White is. And he's piercing your balls.

10. Original Gangstas (RM) - The good news for the OG's is they have a history of FUFL victory over the Provocateurs. The bad news is pretty much everything else. Sure your roster is at home, but is Shaun Alexander gonna get you more points nailed to the bench at home? Is Willis McGahee and the entire Baltimore RB corps going to rack up more points if Billick ignores the passing game at home? We'd like to see Warrick Dunn in at the flex spot for sure this week. We'd also like see the historical streak against the Provacateurs continue. It's more important than ever this time, because I don't think we can get in touch with Benjamin Franklin to go back to the future. His phone number is unlisted I heard. For a Founding Father, he seems kinda like a little bitch, huh?

Marty McFly is about to lose his constitution.



Wednesday, October 10, 2007

NFL LOL Can Haz a Secrets

Grimey's got LOLJocks. Kissing Suzy Kolber has NFL Post Secret. But what about NFL LOL Post Secret? Yeah, I know. What about it.










Photos courtesy of AP Photos and Getty Images

Friday, October 05, 2007

Site Update - I Need a Hug

Your Fantasy Team Sucks is going to be taking a hiatus from all non-FUFL postings for awhile, as I seek to influence the content of Hugging Harold Reynolds. They are gaining respect and readership among the sports blogosphere, and I think I am just the person to put an end to that. I am sure you will agree.

I think the move will provide me the release from the glass cage of emotion I have built for myself. As you can see here, it has its drawbacks:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us


FUFL power rankings will continue of course, and at least now I have an excuse for not updating them until Fridays.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

ALDS Prediction: Red Sox in... a Bar

After securing the AL East Division win, the Red Sox celebrated in true, humbled form. Players calmly walked onto the field, tipped their caps to the home crowd, signed autographs for every person there, and then held several minutes silence in honor of our armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan and kids with cancer. That's what really happened. It just appeared that the place went apeshit and a champagne-soaked Jonathan Papelbon removed his pants while performing an irish jig. According to Science-y Stuff in My Head (a medical journal written by yours truly), you saw what you wanted to see, you hedonistic pants-less ass.

The Red Sox then sauntered to a local watering hole, and thanks to some guy named Brandon, we have photographic proof that they responsibly provided revelers with beverages; quenching their thirst for libation and competitive triumph:

Rookie of the Year Candidate Dustin Pedroia leads a prayer to Jesus. Or gasps for air after another huge shot of bourbon - where he's an established veteran.

Coco Crisp screams sweet nothings at her face


Coco Crisp spies another opportunity. This one strapless.


Clay Buchholz shows the proper way to consume a shot. That's pinkie OUT playaz.


Clay Buchholz next demonstrates the intoxicating feeling of moderation.
And how to look out of one eye while trying not to puke.

And what are the Angels doing? Probably practicing and staying hydrated. Bitches.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power: The Third Week

After three weeks we finally have stats that can technically be described as 'averages'. This week is more of the same: dead clowns, car accidents, and possible criminal endangerment of children. Plus Mike Tyson hits broadway, someone almost snaps Minnie Driver's neck, we tell a ghost story, and see the power of Jesus' forgiveness. Also, FUFL-related content - as filler mostly.

Update: The Nancy Kerrigans are now The Angel Lusters. Discuss.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Quick Quiz: which of these three are impossible to argue against: a 3-0 record, one of the lowest DPSHT's in the league, or a drunken clown lying on the street? The answer: all three.* Even with his opponent's best lineup, he still
would have been victorious. As the new leader in Rankings of Power, the Plumbers have shown that in the FUFL, they are more than capable of cleaning your pipe. However, before we go crowning the Plumbers just yet, let's keep in mind that opponents are averaging just 89 pts against him, the lowest in the league. He's also beaten the occupants of 5th, 9th, and 10th places. In two of those games, the Plumbers put up decent numbers (125+), but his next three games are coming up against teams whose losses average 116, 121 and 111. Not exactly pushovers. This week's matchup against Cin City will be one of the toughest yet, especially if Cedric Benson stays in your lineup. Keeping him in means you trust Brian Greise to resemble an effective quarterback to keep the defense honest. Look, I'm all for trust. But it's a two way street. One with flashing lights, a DO NOT ENTER--- BLASTING! signs, a bridge that's collapsed into a river of piranhas, and the road's all gravelly. But hey, how bad could it be?
*Trick question, the clown is dead in this scenario.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - Add Kevin Curtis to the list of players who require your gentle but firm servicing. Even a decent performance by Curtis wouldn't have been enough to win this game for you, but the 45 pt day overwhelmed your opponent and managed to outshine Curtis' fellow Iggle teammate, Brian Westbrook both on the field and in this FUFL matchup. This team is averaging over 130 pts per win, and losing opponents are putting up roughly 123 pts against him. This week, a big test against a top 3 team with Jones-Drew out of the lineup. We're predicting the manager will move Williams to the RB spot and put Darrell Jackson into the flex - then cross his fingers around each other twice. However, a good day for his "Usual Suspects" and he'll be bursting through this one like he was at a kid's roller hockey game.



By the way, don't be like Kool-Aid Guy. NEVER serve your own fluids to random children. Even in a glass.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - Bush stepped up as requested but Travis Henry stepped down. The Dogpound lost a close game to Cin City, but had both teams put in their optimal lineup, the Dogpound still would have lost. The Dogpound is averaging over 130 points per game - well above the 113 league average. But like the Plumbers, has not really faced the tough teams at this point. The quick pickup of Steven Jackson's replacement, Brian Leonard, seems like a good one. Keepin in mind that Leonard hasn't proved himself yet - so is it wise to start him just because he's a starter? Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis and Donald Driver are going against good defenses (Baltimore is questionable), but you've got an unknown against a Dallas D that is finally asserting itself and is playing at home. You regretted benching Driver earlier. Me? I regretted benching Minnie Driver. The sheer weight of her gigantic head almost broker her neck. It's like a bowling ball on top of a toothpick, I tell you.

4. Rugs on Valium (WG) - I know, I know. On a two game losing streak, while the Commish is clearly surging. But we're talking about strength of schedule here, and RoV has gone through three of the highest scoring teams in the league. And optimal lineup against optimal lineup, he would have won this week's game. We'll leave it to this week to let the 4 and 5 spots battle it out for supremacy themselves. And right now it doesn't even look close (the Commish has been known to pull things off before, but usually that happens in dark, silent corners of subway bathrooms). The key is to exploit the matchups in this game, which RoV looks to be doing. You could lose this week, but it would take a colossally bad performance to ruin this. We're talking something in the neighborhood of Mike Tyson performing the Vagina Monologues bad here. Man, I love Broadway.

5. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Two games in a row. Like an exotic dancer who doesn't understand I am not, under any circumstances buying her a drink, you just are trying to shove it in my face. This week's bye is proving troublesome, as Portis was just starting to get on a roll. Shaun McDonald in the flex spot is as much a mystery as the flex spot itself. He could be Kevin Curtis from week 3 or he could be Kevin Curtis. Slowly but surely, teams are breaking down Jon Kitna on film and realizing he's basically an older version of Rex Grossman, minus the sexual bravado. Lions receivers numbers will, like your dignity, continue to wither away over the course of time until people have forgotten they even existed. That's what I heard anyway.

Halftime Interesting Facts
Only 4 teams had a higher score in Week 3 than in Week 2.
In Weeks 1 and 3, Cin City had the exact same score - 127.70 (one win, one loss)
One manager's full name also spells: Rank Men in Cab

6. The Pile(d) on Guys (MW) - Looks like this team is ready to emerge from the pile and go back to its winning ways. Projected at a whopping 136, PoG is looking at a cakewalk over Die Nasty to get back to .500 on the season. While that's a nice projection, PoG is only averaging 116 pts per game - a mere 3 pts above league scoring average. Much of that reason is LT is still over-projected every week even though his fantasy production is less than that of Derrick Ward, Clinton Portis, Ronnie Brown, and Joseph Addai to name a few. This week we may see his return, as Kansas City has just been terrible against nimble running games. But San Diego isn't playing KC 12 more times this year, so LT's once reliable production looks less and less like something you wanna hang your hat on. But fear not, bceause midgets are still good for that. You just take a midget or two (stack 'em) and make him keep his arms open wide, and viola - hat rack! You know what, I'm sorry - that's offensive and demeaning. I meant little people. In a related note, I hear they grant you wishes if you shake them.

7. Cin City (BM) - How is a team this good on paper ranked 7th? We think that's gonna change this week and you'll give the Plumbers' their first loss. You have good matchups across the board, and last week was a good demonstration of what your team is capable of even if Manning has an off day (off day = not throwing for 70+ TD's in a quarter). Even in an optimal vs optimal lineup last week, Cin City would have taken out the Dogpound. Opponents are only averaging 89 points against the Plumbers, which speaks to the softness of the leader's schedule up to now. As for yours, your schedule doesn't get any easier until Week 7, but you could put up a nice win streak from then on. Week 5 will be tough with your bye situation and the fact that your other RB's are fighting off injuries. But we're pulling for you Cin City; in that 'we're-not-really-pulling-for-you' kind of way.

8. The Angel Lusters (CL) - Formerly The Nancy Kerrigans, this team has gone from worrying about the many knee problems of its roster to accepting its fate. While there were signs of life this week - all of it from Westbrook - this was probably just a case of angel lust before going into the dark quiet of FUFL oblivion. Which we guess is fine. We're so used to being at the bottom we know exactly how we like the basement set up; where the TV should go, how we like the chairs arranged, and which corner should be used as the bathroom and which should be the Corner of Unending Sadness. Of the bottom three teams, this is the only one putting up an average of over 100 pts per game (105), but the schedule for this team has been a murderer's row - with opponents putting up roughly122 pts per game. The Lusters have yet to put up 122 pts in a game this season. This week's matchup against the OG's looked better last week - but now with Westbrook looking iffy and Javon Walker's knee resembling a grapefruit, this win could be snatched away like Week 3's Kevin Curtis Explosion. Ed Note: If I happened upon Kevin Curtis burning in the street and had a hose primed with water, I would set up a sign next to him that said, "Car Wash and Burning Kevin Curtis - $4!" What can I say, I'm just a natural aunt-re-prenoor or whatever you call it. I'm a businessman, not a fucking frog.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - After the upset of the Pile(d) on Guys, we thought we might see something special happen to the OG's this season. McNabb is certainly paying off, but the rest of your starters are not exactly reliable. Johnson's injury might prove fatal this week, with Watson ready to run in his stead. You might find solace in the fact that you've faced three of the toughest teams in the FUFL, but does that change a thing? It's like that story in the bible about when Jesus, tired and thirsty, happened upon a goat herder whom he asked for some spare milk. The herder explained to Jesus that he would like to give him some, but had barely enough for his wife and infant sons. Jesus looked at the man, and then touched his goat. Immediately the goat swelled with milk and exploded. One by one the entire herd exploded and all of the milk seeped into the ground. Jesus then laid his hand on the herder and said "I forgive you, brother" and then melted his brain. So you see - the herder lost all his milk, but it didn't make a difference because his brain got melted. I think my point is clear. Wanna know something else? In Week 2 you put up 102.70 and this past week you put up 107.20. That's totally spooky; like a ghost story - but of numbers.

10. Die Nasty (CR) - You know what 92 is? It is a depressing age. It is BAC on Saturday nights. It is the number of Devil Dogs Kirstie Alley keeps in her pockets. It is not however, an acceptable average score for the FUFL. How this team is even 1-2 is an unknown. It doesn't bode well that you've been leaving needed points on the bench - and even in that case it's not enough. Along with the OG's Die Nasty has yet to crack the 300 pt mark on the season totals (278) and remains a full 20 pts below league scoring average, and its average loss is 20 pts below the league losing average (104). It reminds me of a phrase that a crazy drifter once told me. Well technically he threw up all over my back, but I think I learned something that day. Anyway, the bad news is that you're at the bottom now. The good news is you are in a great position to fix up the basement for me anticipating my arrival. Please make sure the pillows are properly fluffed up, and that my collection of Highlights for Children is on the coffee table. That Goofus always makes so much trouble for Gallant!



The Mother Flippin'

The Dreamboat's baby is on the cover of OK! Magazine (the only tabloid openly touting its mediocrity right in the title). I think it's cool the little bugger used this auspicious moment to pull that playground-middle finger move:


I know he was born with balls of brass, but I wasn't expecting to see them on display so early. Personally, I am going with a custom designed display that fits both my lighting and musical concepts. I want a laser show that rivals Pink Floyd concerts, but so far its just a flashlight and the original broadway recording of Hello Dolly! Once my wife loans me the jar containing my balls, it'll kick the whole presentation up a notch or two.

Friday, September 21, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power - Week the Second

This week a new stat for dipshits and a child's birthday party gone horribly wrong. Plus there's a job opening in the town of Crapville, and one team can attest to a serious truth: you do NOT fuck with Mr. Snuzzles. Also, some FUFL stuff in there about your team so you can read something about yourself you vain prick.


Image Courtesy of Yahoo!

1. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - The Dogpound jumps to the top from the five spot after dropping the week's high score on a weak-kneed opponent. I've seen street justice knee-cappings more humane than what happened in this game. Palmer threw for 6 TD's and was still the losing QB - his defense fell apart and let a clearly inferior opposition backup QB triumph and bathe in glory. Henceforth, this will be defined as getting "Anderesoned." Tommy Lee and Kid Rock have both experienced this, except they are both bathing in Hepatitis C. Had Palmer a more routine outing, then the game would have been closer, but still a victory. Week 3 sees a close loss, mostly because the Seattle D is so poor against the run (28th) - expect the Bengals to keep the field stretched, but with more reliance on the running game. Driver continues to enjoy frequent looks from Favre in the red zone, and Chris Chambers' numbers were a nice surprise. In this league, decent RB production combined with outstanding WR is a recipe for success. On a related note - a stolen police car, a soothing crack high and a secluded wooded area, mixed with just a pinch of chloroform is a recipe for romance. I'm like the Julia Childs of sexual deviants.

2. Rugs on Valium (WG) - A tough loss in week 2 to one of the few teams that could have withstood the RoV production. This is THE team to beat this year, folks. RoV doesn't rely on one flashy skill player to get it done, and the entire roster is consistently putting up big numbers. Counting points left on the bench and points scored, RoV is posting a whopping 419. The next closest FUFL'er is the Plumbers with 369. The bench is just ridiculous right now, and this is probably the only team that should not make a trade or drop a player for the entire season. While bye weeks are covered nicely, the lone fear for RoV will be injuries: Green, Alexander, Holt, and Jordan have all suffered setbacks in past seasons, limiting their impact. The match-up against the Pile(d) on Guys this week will be a major test, but even with a loss, the next 6 weeks offer a schedule softer than a Democrat's spine.

3. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Just like the 2006 season, this team puts up points. And then more points. And then some points after that. Steve Smith went apeshit with 3 TD's, and Randy Moss - arguably the steal of most fantasy drafts - piled up the TD's again. The Plumber's bench continues to show its depth, making this team a formidable opponent against anyone all season, especially those with tough bye week issues (See week 5). Oh, and Derrick Ward turned in another solid outing. So fuck you in the eye. Week 3 looks like another middle-of-the-pack team for you to walk all over - just like you do to the downtrodden. Only in this instance you can't spit on them. Or can you? The speed of new technology is amazing these days. All I know is that while we're pouring our resources into disease research, upgrading our military, and testing how lab monkeys fight robots, someone better get on my online spitting problem. I've got a good loogie coming on that I don't wanna waste.

4. Cin City (BM) - Once every 85 years, Haley's Comet passes within sight of earth. Not to hyperbolize but that happens more often than Peyton Manning putting up 14 fantasy points. You hitched your wagon to the Colts, and as they go so do you. The problem with this arrangement is that when they shit, it smells up your wagon good and thick. I am reluctant to make a prediction because they always come out wrong/opposite. But whatever, uhhh.... expect a close game against the current power leader, but one you will ultimately lose. Although by me saying that, does it make you more likely to win? But then by saying that have I made you more likely to lose? But now win?! Or Lose?! I just posed this same scenario to that crazypants Criss Angel dude who does MindFreak and it caused him to cancel his show because he's seen it all now. You're welcome.

5.
Kool-Aid Maroney(DP) - Most of your lineup is on the road for Week 3 preventing you from that second win. In Week 2, once again Brady, Gore and Gates delivered, but it wasn't enough over the Commish. This week, the matchups are favorable but not favorable enough! Your trinity alone cannot save you. The Green Bay D will hold Gates and the Pitt D has an answer for Gore. That puts pressure on the likes of Kevin Curtis and Williams to come up big - which isn't impossible, but hardly the situation you want to find yourself in against an opponent you should clearly have your way with. Also, the Fantasy Gods take offense when you name a team for a player you don't have and then proceed to keep said name when you play against the team who does have the player. It's true. It's like one of the ten commandments or something.

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This Week in Numbers
Season Average FUFL Winning Score: 119.34
Season Average FUFL Losing Score: 104.41
Completely Average in Every way: Carson Daly

New Stat: Didn't Play, Sucks Huge Testicles (DPSHT)
First off, points left on the bench are not necessarily bad things. They can show how stacked your team is. Mostly though, they result in a lot of second guessing by managers who realize the outcome of their game would have been different if Player X had been in the lineup and not on the sidelines. In order to address this, YFTS has come up with a stat: the DPSHT %. It is caluclated thusly: Total Pts left on bench/Total Pts accumulated. This should (roughly) show which managers are making the best decisions when it comes to their lineup. The lower the percentage, the better you are. Right now, Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) has the lowest percentage at 19%, followed by The Nancy Kerrigans (21%) and the Dogpound (22%). I could be way off base here - I meant to just post optimal lineup minus actual lineup, but StatTracker doesn't have a history. Maybe that will happen going forward. Maybe it won't. Whatever - I'm the first to admit I'm bad with numbers. For example, I've totally lost count of how many supermodels I banged. Last night.

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6. The Pile(d) On Guys (MW) - The Curse of the OG's is remarkable to watch. The OG's could start a fight with a widdle baby bunny wabbit and come away bruised, broken, and covered in wounds. But they are like PoG Kryptonite. Or it might have had something to do with New England owning LT2 and the Chargers again. When is LT gonna be the LT we all know? The answer? Not this week: The Green Bay D has made its case the first two weeks, and Lambeau Field is friendly territory - in both weather and in fans - to the Packers, not so much those classy boys from San Diego. Take note: The other team that has a bunch of back up RB's on its bench is campaigning for Mayor of Craptville. You cannot sit around waiting for others to die off in the FUFL. Good news though, there is an opening for Town Manager in Crapville. And you seem interested. We're calling this one: Rugs by 11.5 (Sorry Rugs, now you're fucked. OR ARE YOU???!!!!!).

http://www.petafoo.com/files/images/cute7.jpg
The OG's caution you not to underestimate Mr. Snuzzles.


7. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Finally, a Surge that can show measurable results: A 52 point improvement between Week 1 and Week 2. A win over the OG's would catapult you in power rankings, but right now your total lineup points are too low, and you are the owner of the second highest DPSHT rating: 35%. Yowza. And if you lose to the OG's this week, well then Mr. Snuzzles is just the beginning of your worries. Kitna, even with divine intervention is showing his Kitna-itis (4 TD's 3 INT's), Colston is a ghost, and with the rest of your squad (except for Johnson and Parker) you never know what the hell will happen. Johnson did his best Steve Smith impression, pulling in two scores and would have been a frequent target in the Houston/Indy Texas Throwdown (NOTE: I want credit if ESPN uses that phrase, btw). We're pulling for you Commish - mostly because we like your falls from grace to be real gut punchers. If your team stays in the basement, then it's no fun for anyone. The most amazing stat? In 115 dreams, not one woman makes an appearance. Huh. Go Figure.

8.
Die Nasty (CR) - Like pogo balls, slinkys, American Girl dolls, and pet rocks - some things never go out of style. In this case, good old fashioned winning out of spite. Picked by none to beat Cin City in Week 2, The Nasty managed to pull off the upset and make its case for consideration. But while my life is mostly full of upset, your FUFL season is a more predictable average of 105-112 pts and more losses than wins. That will be evident this week as the Plumbers clean your pipes so thoroughly you can see your reflection in your ass. I don't even know what that means, that's how clean it will be. There's a good chance for a shootout in Houston, but the rest of your production doesn't rise to the level of impressing anyone. Which oddly enough is exactly what that stripper said to me yesterday. Well, I think it was a stripper - I was at a kid's birthday party, and she was dressed as a clown, and did lots of juggling acts, and so I took my pants off. People seemed shocked, but I figured it was because someone invited a stripper to a child's birthday party! Won't someone please think of the children?

9. The Nancy Kerrigans (CL) - One more knee injury. One more. We fucking triple dog dare you pieces of shit. You know what? Fuck it. Sammy Morris is in. Fuck.

10. Orginal Gangstas (RM) - Yeah, you've taken the lion's share of digs in this week's power rankings, but look on the bright side, at least Rudi Johnson did some stuff in Week 2. So you've got that going for you. I think you are capable of taking down the Commish's team this week, but this McNabb/Philly thing you've got going is making everyone uncomfortable. It's like when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time and you had a bad falling out, but that was years ago. And also they're covered in poisonous cobras. You know, it's uncomfortable.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

FUFL Rankings of Power - Weak One.

The FUFL season is in full gear and that means Rankings of Power. This week we've got an unlikely winner of the More Idiot Than Savant Award, a halftime showstopper, and a way to stop those demon voices you've been hearing. Plus a preview of the Commissioner's dietary habits.


Image Source: Yahoo!
1. Rugs on Valium (WG) - Great Googly-Moogly. Carried to victory by Tony Romo's outstanding night, Rugs on Valium (RoV) pulled off this season's first true upset against a stacked Cin City. Even without Romo, the depth of this team is... uhh.. deep. Week 1's production will need to repeat as this team goes through the best teams in the FUFL early in the season - determining if you make the playoffs this year after enjoying FUFL obscurity the past years. Besides dominating the standings, RoV pulled off one of the most difficult things to do in all of Fantasy Sports: secure a monster win and still be the owner of this week's More Idiot than Savant Award. RoV left an astounding 74 points on the bench (more than the Kool-Aid v Pile On matchup combined). In Week 1, not one member of this team scored less than 7 pts - including the bench. That's impressive. Like my wang.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - To be honest, you should be washing Plaxico Burress' ass. Hell you should be waxing it and buffing it every hour on the hour and put it prominently on display in your home. Antonio Gates also put on quite a show and probably deserves to have his posterior polished in some sort of way. And judging by this pile of legal injunctions and cease-and-desist orders, Frank Gore and Tom Brady aren't into that kind of thing so don't bother asking. The real question is if this team has the kind of staying power to keep it an FUFL leader. It's built like a playoff team, but not a championship team - if only because of how streaky the rest of its players are. However, you won't be suffering a crippling bye week this season and will be poised to exploit other teams' vulnerability. As a former political operative, that should come easy to you. As a Republican, you will also enjoy it.

3. Cin City (BM) - I think instead of a projecting a number for Manning, it should just read, "a jillion." That would be more accurate. With a stud performance from Addai, this team will live and die with the Colts but that's probably OK by them. Although according to a poll of my neighborhood vagrants, It's not as good as living and dying by Colt 45, which "makes the killing voices yell softer." After putting up monster numbers Thursday night, it was thought impossible anything could happen between then and Tuesday morning that would earn you a loss. Perhaps next week you will start Ronald "Runs right thru ya" Curry when you face another formidable opponent in Die Nasty. You're going to need some extra points as Manning will be partially handcuffed by Die Nasty's #1 WR.
http://images.businessweek.com/ss/06/06/hardees_badthings/image/colt_45.jpg
Makes the Killing Voices Yell Softer.
And gets you drunk too.


4. The Pile On Guys (MW) - There's no other way to describe it: This team got piled on. And on and on and on. What seemed like a sure thing disappeared faster than Lance Briggs from a crime scene. Only difference here is that you can't get up and walk away from crashing your vehicle. The stunning performance by the Minnesota D kept you in this, but pedestrian efforts by the Bulge and Vernon Davis kept you shy of the few points you needed. You're looking good for Week 2, but Week 3 will spot you against the current points leader while your skill players are all on the road. Perhaps the Pile On Guys should stop expecting to be handed wins because of his first draft pick and instead bear down and claim the mantle of greatness. Like when I decided that there could only be one true ring-bearer, and seized the cherry Ring Pop from that 4th grader. It looks like a giant ruby! I got so much tail that day. I mean... uhh greatness. I got so much greatness that day. Especially in my kitchen.

5. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This week's score was good enough to beat the majority of FUFL teams, and will continue to be as long as Cincinnati keeps winning. Week 2 should see the same production as Cincy goes against Cleveland, so perhaps your opponent will try some desperate moves (like starting Brady Quinn) or just be lulled into a completely unsubstantiated confidence that this is the week Maroney peels off a few 50 yarders. Either way, the Week 2 victory will be less about who performs well, as it will be who choked. You may peel off a win this week, but weeks 3, 4, and especially 5 all look like they are going in the loss column. But this week was pretty good, so maybe that will be the happy memory that sustains you through a rough patch. My happy memory? The time I romanced Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Simpson (also known as Jessic-A-Trois 2004) while surrounded by televisions that replayed the Red Sox historic comeback against the Yankees, and then won the lottery seven separate times the next morning. But hey, you won a fantasy football game that one time. Good for you.


THE HALFTIME RANKINGS SPECTACULAR

This week: Facts that May Only Interest Peter King But Are So Desperately Meant to Also Interest Me:
  • In the FUFL, The Vick-themed team count is down to one.
  • At the time of this posting, Houston, Cincinnati, and Indy - all defenses that gained 20+ points - are still on the board.
  • The Definition of "Douche" is in the eye of the beholder. Who apparently is a douche.
  • I saw a guy on the street this rainy morning - all wet with no umbrella. Bet Norv Turner knows that feeling.
  • Somebody get that guy an umbrella.

And: Video of the Week that makes me uncomfortable


6. stop nagging me now (MS) - Now that you've been thoroughly disturbed by that gorilla playing drums, perhaps you are ready to look at your RB corps from this week. Stephen Jackson's line: 58 yards for 18 carries with two fumbles against the Carolina Defense. Cedric Benson's line: 49 yards on 19 carries. These are lines even a coke fiend wouldn't touch. The good news is that Randy Moss is still very much Randy Moss, and Marshawn Lynch showed real durability. This team will surely rise in the rankings, with a decent schedule ahead and no terrible bye week disaster looming. The recent addition of the Giants backup RB should be a good addition to your team at the expense of the dumbass who drafted Jacobs. That reminds me - fuck you in the ear.

7. Die Nasty (CR) - Not exactly an auspicious beginning to a dynasty, was it? You failed to break 100pts - which is almost always a must in this league, and managed to bench two of your top performers. What's odd is that most of your starters come from really shitty teams. They are excellent players, sure, but Ten, Ari, Was, Det (I still say they will suck it this season like a Hilton on a dare) - these are not elite sqauds. Perhaps Cooley will get worked into the offense more, but this is going to be the team that requires the most on-the-fly rebuilding. But don't worry, dear Treasurer. At least you're fucked in Week 8.

8. The Caged Bengal (CL) - The only team to score under 100pts and get a win. This team had wrapped up before the Sun night games. Everything after that was just gravy. Lucky for this team was that both receivers went over 100 yds with scores; Wayne's multiple TD's and Javon Walker's inspired playing because a guy died in his arms. By that logic, I should be the best football player alive, because so many men have died in my arms. My hugs are lethal, you see. Before the Delicate Giant that is Brandon Jacobs went down, this week's biggest disappointment was Crumpler, which in turn means Joey Harrington. There is hope that Maroney got more touches than an alter boy even if he couldn't gain more than 72 yds against the Jets run defense. That reminds me, which is a worse sign: that Heath Evans got the goal line touches or that Brandon Jacobs is already injured? You may pull the forks from your eyes before answering.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - There is nothing original about getting spanked like a naughty boy. It's actually quite common and sometimes necessary according to Senator Larry Craig. The McNabb-Brown combo - while fulfilling your duties to have a Philly Combo - is 100% stale, moldy, and might have some mouse turd on it. You are in the unenviable position of needing everyone to meet their Yahoo! projections just to stay competitive. Next week you are ripe for a pummeling from the Pile on Guys, and a shrewd trade or two is needed to save your season already. So OG's whatchoo gon' do? You gon' play the game or get played? You out there grindin' and doing what you do, and then you get got by the little bitch who almost didn't even step up until the last second? And next week, sucka gon' jus' pop yo ass in street in front of your crew. Muthafucka gotta represent or step aside. In related news, I am so so so so white. Like porcelain really.

10. Xian's 115th Dream (CJ):
Owner of the other biggest combo bust: Colston & Rivers combined did not put up even a combined 10 pts. And you managed to leave over 60 pts on the bench. The good news is, this team looks like it has the kind of week to week consistency that outlasts other teams' injuries (except Portis of course) and wins FUFL championships. So there. You finally have another kind of consistency to be proud of. Please stop sending daily pictures of your morning dump. We get it, you like corn. The bad news is your schedule totally blows. So if Week 1 isn't a good showcase of your strength, what does Week 2 offer? Outlook not so good. Your new starting QB, premier WR, TE, and two of your RB's are going against good defenses, while your Kicker's offense can't even get into field goal range. Your opponent's team has an easier schedule next week, so we're predicting an 0-2 start before things get going. Through week 5 this team will be 1-4, and have its pants full of corn.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Brandon Jacobs is Delicate

Things More Durable than Brandon Jacobs

Tupperware (generic or brand name)
The knees of my 80+ year old grandmother-in-law
A wildflower in a hurricane
A stripper's self-image

Friday, September 07, 2007

NFL season picks

I was asked for my NFL predictions by the crew at Hugging Harold Reynolds, and in 10 minutes time, I put together this list. I'm not making excuses, I'm bragging.

(division winners marked with *)

NFC North

*Bears - Purely because of their D.

Packers
- Brett will be on fumes this year, I'd rather be running on premium fumes than regular gas. It's the difference between a guinness fart and and a taco bell fart.

Vikings
- A Taco Bell fart that leaves a purple stripe.

Lions
- This is Jon Fucking Kitna's team, and he's taking it the only place he feels safe from the storm: the cellar.

NFC East

*Eagles - McNabb doesn't even need the leg he's rehabbing. He'll probably just break it off midway through the season and jam a metal pipe in there or something. He's bionic.

The Team Tony Romo is On
- Because according to everyone, he's the only person worth mentioning.

Redskins
- This feels about right.

Giants
- Brandon Jacobs is gonna make every fantasy owner cry. He was good at taking goal line touches. But he never really worked to get to the goal line, did he?

NFC South

*Saints – They are just too good. Update: not for the Colts, though.

Bucs
– Will randomly be better for no good reason. The part of No Good Reason will be played by Jeff Garcia.

Panthers
– They keep slipping a little every year.

Falcons
– Somewhere, Joey Harrington is looking at a playbook and thinking, "where's that INT route I was so good at?"

NFC West

*49ers – This feels weird.

Rams
– Stephen and the Bulge should be a buddy comedy.

Seahawks
– Shaun Alexander will only be disappointing whatever clown drafted him. The rest of us knew better, right?

Cardinals
– Matt Leinert will be just as good a father as he is a starting QB.

AFC North

Bengals – I think I hate every team in this division. So fine, uhhh Bengals will win.

Steelers
– Back to form, but not their year. Steely McBeam is responsible.

Ravens
– I am so unsold on this team.

Cleveland
– The Frye Era will be terrible – all 2.5 weeks of it. Enter Brady the Lady Quinn.

AFC East

*Patriots – They are magical.

Dolphins
– Crazy pick here, but I gotta feeling. Plus I need to separate myself from my peers.

Jets
– Not a great situation at any major starting position.

Bills
– Losman, dude. He's studying with Harrington I bet.

AFC South

*The Team with that Manning Guy on it – I can't remember his name, but I heard a reference to a monkey off his back or something. I'll just guess that I was told Manning got off on a monkey riding bareback. I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear.

Jaguars
– Rawwwr!

Texans
Think the QB will have wished he stayed in Atlanta just one more year?

Titans
– leaking oil. Vince Young can't scramble on every play, can he?

AFC West

*Broncos – Always have a ridiculous smaller running back who gains 1,000+ yds

Chargers
– LT and Rivers both great, but who else is?

Chiefs
– Awkward Silence Goes Here. Awkward Silence then bitch slapped by Herm Edwards.

Raiders
– Culpepper to Moss almost happened again if the receiver hadn't left to the Pats. It would be like watching my grandparents play catch. Old people are funny sometimes. "Give me back my teeth!" they yell. They're so precious.

--

Wildcard: Chargers, Steelers, Packers, Rams

Conference Winners: Pats (Over Broncs), Saints (Over Eagles)

Superbowl: PATS WIN, PATS WIN

And Tom Brady celebrates by getting everyone pregnant.


Cross posted at Hugging Harold Reynolds

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Friday, August 31, 2007

Tiger Hunts Everything

If I am a pro golfer, I would be extremely disturbed by this interview with Tiger Woods, particularly his answer to the following question:


ESPN Golf Douche: You own a yacht named Privacy. How much of a treasured commodity is that for you?
Le Tigre: It is. It really is, to be able to get away. Once you're out there on the ocean, it just feels so good to get away and basically shut everything out. And for me, I love to dive, love to spearfish. So for me to drop one down and go hunting and just escape everything, basically, you're so focused on the fish that you don't think about anything else. That to me is such a great rush.

Holy crap. After methodically destroying his competitors on the golf course, this dude stalks and kills for relaxation. And this isn't some kind of thing where you sit in a tree blind all day and shoot a turkey by calling it to you*, this is holding your breath while vulnerable in the open ocean so you can swim up and spear a fucking animal. Only he probably uses a 9 iron.

Tiger endorses the Underwater Medicus.

*Note: Tree blinds are only allowed in the woods. If you set one up next to your neighbor's window while calling her closer so you can make your kill, it gets you mega-arrested. Personally, I blame the anti-sportsman media.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Off Topic: Why Birds Frighten Me

When given the opportunity, mascots will kill, kill, kill. That is all



via deadspin

Monday, August 20, 2007

FUFL Draft Results

If you hate reading, Click here for the FUFL draft results. You might have to use the magnifying glass to enlarge it. Just like your wiener.

If you want to have actual analysis of the FUFL draft, well then here you go. Not written by the YFTS staff, but by our unpaid intern. Who also remains uninformed that it's even posted here. It's not plagiarism if no one notices, right? Same goes for double homicide too I think. I hope.

Repete Smith's Pre-Season Rankings 1-5
by: The Pile On Guys

Before looking into these too hard, know that I took a trusted fantasy football source and used their projections and put them against our current starting lineups. So what I’m saying in these rankings (and when I refer to “our analysts”) is what the fantasy points predicting service tells me we all will score assuming the current starting lineups. Only 51.98 total points separates #2 from #9, so this will be a bitterly contested season according to the fantasy heads. I don’t necessarily agree with them, but that’s what we’re going with here. My commentary is in each team capsule. I hope you enjoy. And Repete Smith hates Two-a-Days.

1) The Pile On Guys - Talk about a pile on. Last year's champ with an embarrassment of riches at RB landed the fantasy gold mine in Tomlinson. Will it prove to be fool's gold since he took a chance on WRs early at the expense of another solid corps of RBs? Only time will tell, but according to our analysts this team figgers to be the top scorer in the league. LT can cure all RBBC ills, so RB2 and FLEX is not as much of an issue that it would suggest to be in this format and league depth.
Key Performer: Deuce McAllister
Prediction: 10-4, Loses in the FUFL Bowl

2) stop nagging me now - Nabbed tremendous value in the first 3 rounds, but the autodraft ended up reaching a bit too early on the QB, DEF, and PK. Doesn't matter as long as Steven Jackson shows Lucas that he does not have a vagina but is instead hung like a mandingo. This team will probably lose more than it should due to the likely erratic play (or not play) of Lynch (a rookie), Benson (unproven but talented) and Moss (injuries).
Key performers: Randy Moss and Cedric Benson
Prediction: 9-5, 1st Round Playoff Loss

3) Kool-Aid Maroney - Everybody drink the kool-aid. Every year this guy autodrafts his team, he goes to the title game (1-1). Prospects for passage to the title game are good with this squad, too. Solid team all around, but MJD, while a baller, will be hard pressed to repeat his stellar '06 campaign. The weak WR2 is mitigated by the Gates factor, and Golden Boy Brady should have all the weapons he needs to live up to that draft spot.
Key Performers: Maurice Jones-Drew and DeAngelo Williams
Prediction: 9-5, FUFL Champ

4) The Caged Bengal - Let the sabre rattling begin. Just don't let it lead to a sword fight between you and Steven Jackson, if you know what I mean. We all know you're hung like a Gergen pickle, but you did an excellent job with the draft this year. One of my favorites. Our analysts believe you score high marks in all the right places
Key Performer: Brandon Jacobs
Prediction: 8-6, 1st round Playoff Loss

5) Die Nasty - Another great draft, but will LJ report on time? And after his Week 1 success again HOU, how will he fare against the stout defenses to follow? Our analysts like what you got, but think you narrowly miss out on the playoffs. Too much risk at RB2 and flex to rank any higher, aside from projections. Key Performers: Edgerrin James and Vince Young
Prediction: 8-6, but end season on a 4 game win streak

6) Rugs on Valium - Our analysts project you at 6, and doesn't that sound about right for you? Every year you have one of the better drafts, but the FUFL has not been kind to our kind soul from the Breadbasket of America. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team, yet it just doesn’t appear dynamic enough to boost you into a playoff spot, according to our analysts. My instincts tell me the Romo emerges to a top 5 QB, and Holt and Williams dominate. If Alexander returns to his best installment (v.2005 form), and Ronnie Brown lives up to the blue chip hype, well, then, we are looking at a darkhorse candidate for FUFL champ. However, we gotta go with the raw data, and that tells me you land right here.
Key Performer: Ronnie Brown, K2’s knee
Prediction: 7-7

7) Michael Vick’s Dogpound - I think you had the best draft in the league. You got great value at the following spots: TE in Witten, who will score about what the TEs draft several rounds ahead of him will; TJ Housh ~10 picks later than Chad Johnson for the same reason; and Palmer ~20 picks behind Manning for the same reason again; and two upside top 10 RBs to anchor your squad. I see nothing wrong with this squad, but the fantasy prognosticators suggest there just isn’t enough oomph from WR2 and FLEX to launch you into the playoffs, and maybe a bit too much risk of injury with Travis Henry. I disagree with our analysts, but we must trust the data!
Key Performer: Travis Henry and TJ Houshmazode, Housevanilli, or whatever his name is
Prediction: 6-8

8) Cin City- Interesting play on words, especially in light of the fact that you have no Bengals on your roster. You’ve done well at key spots (QB, RB1, WR combo); however, trusting your RB2 and FLEX to rookies in murky RBBC situations takes just the kinda balls that is usually rewarded in this league (think Dan Youhas). I like your moxy, but my rationality suggests you start off slow and finish strong behind the Big XII rooks. Let’s remember this is the guy that had LT last year, and not only missed the playoffs but had a LOSING record. Unbelievable.
Key Performers: Adrian Peterson and Brandon Jackson
Prediction: 5-9

9) Douche Bag Jones - Our great and fearless leader of the free world, Xian Jones, is either in it, or out of it when it comes to his history in the FUFL. It appears this year he is out of it, serving as the proverbial fantasy doormat. The FBG analysts suggest Portis is too great a risk to take at that point in R2, and I agree with them. However, Portis has had some big years in the past, and if he can return to his glory days, and Colston repeat his healthy game averages of last year (which our analysts say he does not), then I think he makes a push for the playoffs. Andre Johnson, while talented, is just not in a dynamic enough of an offense to propel you further. I like your team and am surprised by the results. Rock and Roll, Jones.
Key Performers: Clinton Portis (and he is the most important player in the FUFL, other than LT2)
Prediction: 5-9

10) Original Ganstaz - It’s an annual rite of the Summer season, I rank you last or second to last in the pre-season rankings. It’s also an annual rite of Fall that your team beats mine. Lucky for you, you get me twice this year. Who will be the other unknowing victim? Only time will tell. I think you have an okay team, but the problem was the R4 selection of Brees. That crippled your chances for success, and left you grasping for a solid WR corps. I think Hines Ward has a better season than my analysts suggest, but that won’t be enough for you to overcome the loss of a sound R4 pick. If this league were deeper, you could probably move Brees for a solid skill player, but I think we’re all pretty much set at that position. We’ll see, I s’pose.
Key Performer: Brees or McNabb
Prediction: 3-11

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mocking the Draft II: Hold the Mayer

Our pre-draft analysis of the FUFL continues with special guest commentator, John Mayer.

The Caged Bengal (CL)
Realizing the days when this team was winning can now officially be categorized as "halcyon-like", the manager of this team understands this year he must be aggressive in order to avoid FUFL obscurity. The lone bright spot of last year's pathetic 2-12 season was beating the Commish, but overall it was like a "Buy 12 get 2 free" crotch kicking promotion (with less clowns). As for this year, the Caged Bengal feels a good draft coming on. This feeling is based on a recent scientific study performed on the manager, comparing the number of 40 oz's consumed with 'fists-shaken' at 'my wretched God' and then correlated with 'bails-jumped' and 'average hostages taken.' It won the Nobel Prize for Achievements in Alcohol or something. True Story. What Does John Mayer make of all this?

http://blog.lifeandstylemag.com/2006/08/31/SimpsonMayerW.jpg
Uhhhhhh... I like it?
(Ed Note: This picture angers me.)

The Original Gangstas (RM)
More like the Origami Gangstas, considering how many times this team folds over the season (ZING)! Always a contender, but never a winner. Unlike me, where I'm always a winner but never a contender. That's how I won the last 25 Tour de France's and 7 consecutive Alligator Wrasslin' competitions. As for the OG's draft, we predict a combo of some sort, and at least one eagles player who is drafted too early. Perhaps this year the OG's sustained hustlin' will finally earn some chedda. But life in the game is hard, and you either play the game or the game plays you. And I should know: I've lived that life. If by "lived" you mean "watched two seasons of the Wire with the swear words bleeped out." Fa Real. Jeezy Meezy, tell 'em what time it is:

http://www.mbrauer.com/images/jm4.jpg
John Mayer is down with the OG's. "Holler" he sys. Holler indeed.

Players to Be Named Later (WG)

<
insert: Billy Joel>
They can kill with a smile
They can wound with their eyes
They can ruin your faith with that roster of guys
And they only reveal what they want you to see
They play like a child
But they're always a Runza to me
< / Billy Joel>
http://cache.gawker.com/assets/resources/2006/12/john-mayer.jpg
John Mayer concedes that the Runzas always appear to
have a solid team, but in the end fail miserably. Much like that orange shirt.



Mike Vicks Dogpound (SW)
Congratulations for showing up. If your league effort mirrors that of the effort in choosing a team name, you'll look back on last year's 7-7 record as when you used to be "unstoppable." We go right to the Mayer for this one:

http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/cms/2004/other/John_Mayer_-_news_image_3_live.6659191.jpg
John Mayer feels optimistic. But then again, you would too if you were
getting laid all the time, on command.

Jailhouse Rock (BM)
Based on facts I just made up, the second year is always worse. You thought you made a lousy showing last year with a 6 game losing streak in the beginning of the season? That's nothing. Try showing up to a fancy party thrown by the rich parents of the girl you love, after being sold out by the stupid rich kid who anyone in their right mind can see is a bad dude, but he's rich and white and the parents prefer him over your wrong-side-of-the-tracks-kinda-smells-like-roadkill persona. And after you sneak in dressed as a waiter and bring the party to a crashing halt by making a from-the-heart appeal to everyone's conscience that love should truly win the day no matter anyone's socio-economic status or subconcious biases - and during the silent moment where the rich girl and you are supposed to make a connection that rises above it all, some dipshit makes a loud and realistic wet fart sound. Fuck you wet fart guy. Fuck you in the A. So yeah, try that.

http://partyends.com/peblog/john_mayer.jpg
John Mayer just took a shit that smells rosier than your season.
And last night was taco night.

Well that's it for today kind sirs. See you on Sunday. At church of course.


http://static.flickr.com/21/36040962_9e2e75d9ed_o.jpg

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mocking the Draft II: Hizzoner, the Mayer

Oh FUFL, I have missed you the way I miss the mystery guy in my office building who pisses anywhere but into the urinal. Like him, you remain a mystery to me, you torment me when you are around, but after a prolonged absence, I can't wait for your return - if only for another crack and catching you and rubbing your face in the mess you made. I've been thinking, FUFL, that you deserve the best when it comes to mocking your draft, something signaling the auspicious/tedious event that an online draft is. So I called in every favor, got on my knees and begged everyone I could who would listen, and got what this draft needed: the celebrity cache it richly deserves with none other than John Mayer. (Ed Note: If you wonder what kind of insight John Mayer can provide, keep in mind this multiple-Grammy award winning artist has seen more early 20's ass than every college kid with a dorm room ethernet connection combined. Plus he sang to me in that manly Kathleen Turner voice of his. My heart melted!)

The Convicks (MW)
There are registered sex offenders who have made fewer moves than this team did in 2006. The whopping total of 54 was more than than teams 2,3, and 4 combined. But this translated into success, as they ended on a 6 game win streak and a Championship. Last year's draft caught two of the sleeper RB picks (Chester Taylor is now just sleeping), and Tom Brady, who impregnated his offense with... uhh, pregnancy I guess. Two reliable veterans in Torry Holt and Donald Driver put up crazy season numbers. Also worth noting? The top 3 point producers on this team: 1. Frank Gore, 2. Tom Brady, 3. Baltimore D. Think about that. So why will this team threaten a repeat? Simply because we need them to. That's right. All of the money this manager spends on strategy guides, all of the little things he should be doing around the house gone undone, all of the hours of work siphoned off into this league: in the end it results in victory (2006) or near victory (2005, 2004). The formula of ignoring your daily, familial, marital, and hygenic duties and spending time on the internet can earn you money and victory. His strategy validates our sloth. And in our own way - particularly with our middle fingers - we salute you. And so this year will be no different, as a crafty draft looms for the Convicks. Unless they draft 7th. Then all hope is lost. John Mayer says:

http://emilyb.smugmug.com/photos/679816-M.jpg
"John Mayer likey"

Douchebag Jones (CJ)
Some call him the commissioner, some call him a douchebag, and some call him 'that kid who cries when he dances' But we should just call him what he is: angry, determined, and bent on winning fueld by unbridled spite. He claims little pleasure in this league, which takes him away from his other dual pursuits of reading Harry Potter books and drawing pictures of a chesty Hermoine servicing a stick figure with a similar hairline and eyewear. This year the Commish will wage the same war with a smarter draft, hopefully avoiding busts like Andre Johnson and Ahman Green, and staying away from injury prone measts like Alexander. His strategy this year will rely less on his managerial skills and more on detailing the seriousness and graveness of his family's recent health scare, juxtaposed with the newborn life that has made him an Uncle, all in hopes of creating enough of an emotional rollercoaster for opponents so they fail to adjust for bye weeks. This team has had decent draft spots in the past few years, so it will be interesting to see how he responds to a more difficult position. Besides outright weeping of course. That shit is standard. Let's get John Mayer's thoughts:

John Mayer 4
John Mayer "understands your smoldering attitude
keeps you both competitive and celibate."


Kool-Aid Maroney (DP)
This team threatened to repeat in 2005, but last year - even with all of the cheating - only managed a 6th place finish. With a top score of only 129, this team is going to need some serious firepower from the draft, and expect the manager to make some aggressive moves that would make even the date-rapiest of frat boys blush. This manager has a gift for staying in the thick of things, but we'll see if he can overcome the FUFL's marraige penalty. What penalty you ask? The league marriage penalty tends to be that after you get married, your team suffers. Sure, it's great in the beginning, but after awhile your team wonders why you are hanging out with your friends instead of paying attention to them, and the next thing you know they're not cooperating anymore, and BAM you get in more trouble for checking out the supple running back of another team. You eventually come around and understand you've got to grow up and you made the right choice in the first place, but it's a transition year to say the least. Let's see what John Mayer thinks:
http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/rs/2004/other/John_Mayer_-_news_image_live.6367232.jpg
John Mayer is excited for you, but his collar is popped,
signifying both you and he are douchebags
.

Stop Nagging Me Now (MS)
This team was at times unstoppable and at times a doormat. It had 5 games over 130 pts, and a season low of 69. When it won, it usually won decisively - a result of great performances by Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, and Marvelous Marvin Harrison. But the lows were just as spectacular, showing flashes of the 2005 season when it couldn't win no matter what they tried. SNMN's draft prowress is hard to figure out, but with the right combination of sleepers and studs, we expect another season of big wins from this team. In a related note, with the right combination of sleeping pills and studs, you can expect awkward conversations with law enforcement. What's John Mayer think?

http://img.timeinc.net/people/i/2006/stylechannel/blog/060904/john_mayer_400x300.jpg
Agreeing that your team isn't always what it seems,
John Mayer says, "Sometimes, I look like transvestite."

Die Nasty (CR)
This name makes me tremble! A pun on the word dynasty, signifying a tradition of excellence in the FUFL, but composed of two hardcore words that elicit feelings of fright and contempt! We tremble at your take on words! I shat myself twice just typing that! Perhaps THE question of the draft is will this manager have Larry Johnson again? The past two years LJ has ended up on this roster, saving your lily-white ass. Without LJ there to carry the load, who will do it? It seems to be the plan again, as we have received a sneak peak of Die Nasty's draft plan, round by round --- and let's just say we're not trembling anymore:
Mr. Mayer... your opinion?

http://www.post-gazette.com/images4/20060824ho_johnmayer_230.jpg
John Mayer, holds his breath on getting LJ. He suggests his personal
prescription for success of "Winning a few Grammys and
banging a 19 year old every other Tuesday."
So, in a word, you're fucked.



Tomorrow: YOU'VE SEEN THE BEST, NOW MEET THE REST!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Javelin is Stab-tastic

This video reminds me of the time I threw a javelin and hit a guy.



Add Javelin to the list of sports where spectators are in danger. Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia each hit a spectator yesterday. But I give golf fans a pass because a tiny ball is hard to see against the sky, and most golf fans are like 75 years old. But Javelin? If you are looking the other way, you deserve to get a lung punctured. And if you're gonna get hit, put some damn shoes on. You look ridiculous.

It shouldn't matter what the sport is. As a fan you have a responsibility. For example, if you are at a bullfight, get out of the way when the bull jumps into the crowd, but don't lose your beer. Common sense, people.




Via
BustedPlay - which I didn't know existed until today.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

In an Mmmbop You're Gone, Embarassed

While I never suggested I could do it better, Grimey over at LOLjocks posted one by yours truly.

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Tony Romo makes me all fortissimo in my pants.

The whole post is good, but I take issue with him calling mmmbop a 'crappy pop ballad'. It was a peppy song, as I remember. Plus those three Hanson chicks were totally hot. I still trade their pictures online. Did you know there's this whole big international ring of dudes who want pictures like that? I'd tell you who they are, but for some reason they want to keep it a big secret. Probably to keep wieners like you out.