FUFL Power Rankings Week 6

This week we address the important issues such as having your nuts crushed quickly or slowly, the Jackson Family’s adoption of Carrot Top and whether or not one team’s defense will run for congress. Also, an Ashlee Simpson award is handed out, the league treasurer will kick your ass with karate, and Operation Tango is a go, go, go!

1. Rocky Mountain High – This team just refuses to loose. They barely experienced any kind of bye week crucible, and will only feel a marginal effect of a bye next week when McGahee is out. However Fitzgerald against the Packers is probably just as good as any RB on a team led by J.P. Losman. We predicted a loss to the Runzas last week, and the $70 you’ve collected so far from the league obviously went to Matt Hasselbeck who – as Laura Bush likes to say, “went apeshit” - against an increasingly porous Rams D. Fun fact: was the first time Hasselbeck exceeded Yahoo’s 2006 projections, ever. It’s a proud moment when you watch someone exceed expectations. But it’s even cooler when I get them back on drugs, and sellin’ my rocks on the corner. As for Sunday against the Vikings, Hasselbeck will be back in the crack den if you know what I mean. (I mean I love crack)

2. Smear the Queer – You got the points, but you also got that extra loss. Losing to Rocky Mountain High this week could set you back big time. The Jacksonville v Houston game will be critical, as you both have Jax players on your roster. If Houston wins, you’re going to get beaten like a street mime (they all get their asses kicked, right?), because that means your D gave it up and your kicker didn’t get a chance. Your keys to success are Ronnie Brown and Chris Cooley – if those two can exceed their projections, you’ve got a victory. If not, then you’ll be one of just six teams that couldn’t get past high school.

3. Up and Atom – After trouncing opponent after opponent, how do you trail in points by .07? This team has got a good shot for a victory as it’s opponent has to sit two of its most productive players. Up and In Them’s greatest strength is its role players step up when reliable players like Westbrook and Johnson don’t. “Here’s My Jockey” scored two TD’s for the first time in his career, and Coles exploded for 25 points despite the fact that he plays for the Jets. The Achilles heel of this team continues to be its defense – never having topped 12 pts in a game (back in week 2). No matter who you play when, you’ve had defenses that can’t hold a lead or pursue. Perhaps they can take a page from former Apprentice contestant, Raj – Watch him as he captures illegal immigrants (click on Play in the upper lefthand corner). That’s how you react and attack, people!

4. Hurricane Loftus – This week’s loss is what happens when you misquote rap songs and make them your own. Sure, offended rap starts could always pop a cap in your cracker ass, but the minus 7.7 pts from Rex is pretty much equivalent to your normal street justice. Only you weren’t wearing a powder blue track suit (it’s more lime/teal I hear). After last week’s comparison to the Jackson Family, this team is resembling Carrot Top more and more – universally reviled, not funny at all, has a mental imbalance (T.O.), yet despite all of this too freaking huge and frightening to fuck with. I mean look at the dude. How this person is involved with comedy is beyond me. Other than it’s funny to see what animal testing looks like on humans.

5. The Deadskins – This team wins the Ashlee Simpson award for the most changes that result in cosmetic improvement, but fail to address the substantive issue that you will never, ever, ever be your older, hotter, chestier sister. Just talentless with a kickass nosejob. You think week 7 looks bleak? Look at the matchups for weeks 8, 9, and10 (including avg projections with Bulger and Jackson off of their bye). Looking through your roster, we see you have Cadillac (I’m on Blocks) Williams. We forgot he was alive. Is there a bigger disappearing act in the NFL than this guy? I’m pretty sure if all Cadillac owners could have the choice between drafting Williams and Diet Pepsi Machine – they’d take DPM. Although the reason I wouldn’t take DPM is because all anyone has to do is cut or trip on the extension cord, and DPM will come to a complete stop, blowing his route, and let’s face it – thereby removing any possibility of free soda.

6. Raging Runzas – We thought you had it in you to take down the elite team, Runzas. You left us sad, crying, and wanting to sniff glue at work again. It’s not unfair to say you should have known better, because as was pointed out last year, Joe Horn in the W/R position was always better than a third RB. It’s an immutable law like gravity or Nicole Richie pretends to eat. Unfortunately for you, If they plug in a defense, the OG’s are ripe to pull off a victory against your doughy ass. Additionally - according to my coworkers and their drawings of me with squiggly lines coming from around my ass, I’m just ripe. Whatever. It’s not like I crapped in the paper shredder again.

7. Original Gangstas – This is the upset game of the week. It depends on two things: The OG’s actually checking the site and putting Manning back in, and getting a defense for a week. Considering that the OG’s have made two roster moves all season, it’s unlikely but possible. The prevailing theory around Power Rankings HQ is that the OG’s have trained some sort of housepet or senile elder to keep watch on his fantasy team. This would explain his few roster moves and forum comments that are either “MONKEY HATE CLEAN” or are along the lines of “I don’t WANT strained carrots, I want goddamn Johnny Unitas, you hear me lady?! Speak English! Habla this! Ahhhh… that’s right, now clean my diaper while I call the President and make sure he knows Bob Barker has given us the green light for Operation Tango.”

8. Pathetic – What’s pathetic about 133 pts? I’ll tell you – trading the guys who got you there. It doesn’t help that Mike Vick has fewer total yards than J.P. Losman. Perhaps this team should change its name to Desperate. No matter what, you are set to beat a reeling Buckeye’s Revenge with a rested New England D and a nutcrunching bye week for your opponent. It must also feel nice to be able to root for your man Fast Willie Parker, even though Davenport will start getting more 3^rd down and goal line carries. So while the Buckeye’s nuts are crunched, yours are just in a vise that you are twisting yourself. Does that bring anyone else back to summer camp, or just me?

Personal Note: you should always wait to be invited to something like seeing a baby. That kind of initiative would demonstrate compassion and loyalty and a selflessness that will only make you vulnerable when you’re all taken hostage someday. And when the robber says he’s gonna shoot your friend if you don’t crack the safe, you’ll just be able to shrug your shoulders and say, “Go ahead, it takes lives to save lives.” or something else Steven Segal-ish. And after he shoots him in the head, you just push the door open to show it was cracked all along. That would be so badass. It works out double-y good if you still haven’t paid him your FUFL dues.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – We’re starting to think Buckeye’s Revenge is some sort of digestive issue, because son – you are shitting all over this league. The only team you have beaten is in last place, and it has been a long time since we’ve seen a 5 game losing streak. We also appreciate that you are back to playing “What the Fucking Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” as he lit it up for 0.7 pts in the Bears comeback victory on Monday. It’s a great show, and we enjoy watching. Because seriously, we tried Studio 60 and it’s just not working for us.

10. I’m the Decider – Only in the FUFL is being a “10” a problem. Again, seeing as there is so little to say about this team other than “too little, too late” let’s just discuss the best one word email we’ve ever received:

THURSDAYANGRYBEERS

We can only hope that when we die, and god shows our life in review (a la Defending Your Life), the title THURSDAYANGRYBEERS will appear silently on a black screen in 'West Wing' font that fades out like it's actually a profound title. Only we'll be barfing a lot for 60 minutes without commercial interruption or witty banter.

And for the rest of you, I’d pay Rorick his money. I got video of two guys who owed Rorick money and at about the 35 second mark, he exacts payment.