FUFL Championship

At first glance, it’s hard to see how The Pile On Guys can lose the championship. But then you remember that Up and Atom gets huge numbers every week from the most unlikely of places. For example, the Minnesota defense. But looking at the POG’s team, it just won’t work. Up and Atom has every intangible – from Vince Young to Harrison at Houston to Travis Henry in a revenge game.

Note: Henry could have three broken legs and he will still put up big numbers against the team that cast him off. This always happens. Once I snubbed a drifter looking for a hot meal and some shelter from the rain. He slunk back into the cold darkness after I threw a milkshake on him, but later, he totally came back for revenge. Or his pants. I can’t remember. Either way, I think my point is clear.

The Pile On Guys say it’s all about matchups (at least his matchup analyzer says it’s important. Not that the company is biased of course). So I’m using my own holiday matchup analyzer; one that knows the future – 2007’s Creepy Baby New Year in a Top Hat. To get these answers I used a tried and true technique: I picked up the Baby, asked it a question and then shook it until it provided me with an answer.

QB Leinert vs. Young
Baby New Year poops once, it rolls across the table, jumps over the butter dish and stiff arms the salt shaker. Vince Young it is.

WR1 Holt vs. Harrison
Baby New Year says “The redskins secondary has figured itself out, and the Texans still look like the strained carrots I puked on my cousin. Harrison. Now powder my ass.”

WR2 Driver vs. Coles
Baby New year says “Here’s an Olsen Twin matchup – neither is particularly attractive, they both get a lot of looks, and Driver hasn’t eaten in a month. Slight edge to Coles. Oh yeah, and give me a boob to suck on.”

RB1 Gore vs. Westbrook
Baby New Year says “If I’m reading my diaper rash correctly, then I have to give it to Gore. Frisco is actually playing for its division, and the Eagles are on a roll, but Gore – like myself - has been carrying a load for a long time.”

RB2 Bush vs Johnson
Baby New Year says “I’ll be honest, I’ve had my experiences with both a Bush and a Johnson, but I’m more intimately familiar with the former. And I know the bush isn't in it every time, but a Johnson is. Rudi.”

TE Cooley vs. Shockey
Baby New Year says “I once ate a bunch of carpet trimmings and cat hair and when I crapped it out it had all this fuzzy stuff on it and it just sat there stinking up the place. Yet I had to admit, it did it’s job well. Shockey."

WR/RB Dayne vs. Henry
Baby New Year says, “I just made a sharper cut than Dayne could right here in my diaper. And it’s one of those hot ones that burn. Seriously. If I wasn’t hung like a 9 month old I’d cry. But I’m too proud. Henry.”

Kicker Gould vs. Kaeding
Baby New Year says: “Take it from me, I was a kicker. And these guys are nothing compared to me. With names like Robbie and Nate they sound like they still are in the 3^rd grade. Even."

DEF Balt vs. Minnesota
"Minnesota already exceeded expectations by not just rolling over in a pool of their own drool. But Balt isn’t putting up 20+ pts against these new Steelers. Plus Willie Parker runs like my dad: Fast and away from me. Minnesota, bitches."

As you can see, Up and Atom has a huge advantage this holiday weekend. Based on the above, it's a scientific fact. But every time I pick against the Pile on Guys, they seem to pull it out. And leave it out. And then it gets very very quiet in the church.

But this title will belong to Up and Atom, who gives hope to certain last place teams that they too may go from worst to first in succeeding years.