Power Rankings Week 13

This week, the playoff picture becomes clearer, the Backup RB's have a field day, and we see that Boyz 'N the Hood and A.A. Milne have a lot more in common than we thought. Plus, more poop humor than is necessary, and one team can't climb a tree.

1. The Pile On Guys – The Pile would have liked a stronger showing from its lineup going into the playoffs. The genius substitution of Bush in the spot of Kevin Jones was the key to victory. Had Bush turned in his projected score, or even gotten 20 pts, this game would have been lost, and the Pile on Guys would have been just a Pile of Guys. The Pile should survive against the Incontinence Brigade in Week 14, giving it the top seed for the playoffs. And that may just be the key for the season for this team now that Chester “Try Rectal Hose” Taylor has been injured and replaced by a man (Ciatrick Fason) whose name spells, “A Frantic Sicko” Which is funny, because that’s the same name the newspapers gave my babysitter when I was young. I don’t know what the big deal was, because I learned a lot from that guy. Which reminds me, if you need someone to dress as Jesus-Hitler and juggle decaying sheepheads, screaming Abba Lyrics through a slidewhistle while pissing on a pictures of the Golden Girls, I’m your man. I also do birthday parties and office functions.

2. Up & Atom – Putting together a nice three game win streak heading into the playoffs. It's especially nice when the most recent victory is at the expense of a competitor for one of the coveted playoff slots. The squad did just enough to win, but was surely assisted by RMH whose team aside from LJ, didn’t show up. Next up are the OG’s, a team surely capable of upsets. You have the advantage here going against lousy defenses, but like the time I fed that bear honey to make him go away, things can take a wrong turn. I mean, you think the cute yellow bear wants a little, but then the piglet with him pulls out a machete, the rabbit screeches high pitched religious yodeling, and the next thing you know, you are suffering the beatdown of your life from the Hundred Acre Wood Hustlas. To this day, I can hear that donkey whispering in my ear over the sound of my ribs collapsing, “If Christopher Robin ain’t a bitch, why are you trying to fuck him like one?”

3. Douche Bag Jones – Once again, the Commish makes his case for the playoffs, and out of nowhere it seems he is effectively tied for second in total points - which fortunately for him will break a tie should he lose next week to RMH. Next week looks bright for our celibate commissioner – with Vick against an atrocious Bucs D and Ahman Green against a San Fran Defense that would be benchwarmers even for Puppy Bowl. The trade and the schedule seem to be working for the Commish, especially if Colston comes back in the next two weeks and Alexander stays healthy, this team is a lock for the playoffs. Last week you could have topped 150 pts if Yahoo gave Vick a point for each middle finger he gave to the home fans. It’s like I always say - you gotta reward class. It’s either that or “Let go of me Mr. Baldwin before I release my Bengal Tiger, Jeremy, to feast upon your innards.” I forget which one I say more often. It’s probably pretty close. There’s a shitload of Baldwins.

4. Rocky Mountain High – This is the highest you’ll get ranked this year. Maybe you’ll make the playoffs. Maybe you won’t. It’s like what the surgeon said when I asked if when they put me under they were going to draw a cock and balls on my face, but wipe it off before I woke up: Probably. But let’s be clear: your team this week came in on average 5.6 pts under the projections (including LJ), and Tony Romo is not going to throw 30 pts worth of footballs next week. So your projected score next week is bunk from the start. You’re in the same position I operate from on a daily basis – doing a consistently shitty job while praying others fuck up enough so that you, like sewage released into the open ocean – rise to the top and float there like the sack of congealed crud you are. My therapist says I have anger issues. But people say all sorts of crazy things when you hold their family hostage in their own house.

5. Hurricane Loftus - Do you know what a metaphor is? Well, it is apparently not some sort of space robot. Seriously, it isn’t. I know, I know… it should be. But it isn’t. Anyway, this is an example of a metaphor for your season:



The kid represents you, the tree represents the league that you want to advance to the top of, and gravity represents your last few weeks. Oh, by the way, could you lay motionless in a more effeminate way next time? Thanks.

6. Original Gangstas – It will take a lot of luck, but the opportunity to make the playoffs theoretically exists. Then again, I have not done the math at all, I’m just going on a gut feeling that you could make the playoffs. The second I start doing math I end up hucking the damn abacus. Anyway, all of your players are on teams fighting hard for playoff spots, so expect solid performances next week. This is your chance, as an Original Gangsta, to fulfill the cliché and see a better life outside of the streets, the hustle, and the drive-byes. You got a chance that anyone in your shoes would kill for – nay – has killed for. Which Boyz ‘N the Hood character are you gonna be – Ice Cube, who ends up staying in the ‘hood? Or Ricky – who rises above the violence, does right by everyone, and then gets shot anyway? I think the choice is clear: you’re the guy who offers blowjobs for cheeseburgers. That guy was hilarious.

7. In the Toilet – The Devery Henderson bandwagon has square wheels.

8. Raging Runzas – You lost to a team that touts its ability to crap all over itself. The first rule of quality cooking, Runza, is to use good ingredients – and at first glance this should still be a formidable lineup. But everything you are cooking with is a year old and stale. Edge has no O-Line, no matter how good he is, he can’t move forward. Javon Walker had Jake the Snake and now Jay Cutler throwing passes to the covering DB’s. Palmer is still shy about getting hit and throwing too early. There is little Rage left in these Runzas. But there’s one thing you can still do that almost every food is capable of: Spoil. Spoil good and spoil hard. You have a chance to get rid of the guy at the bar who’s been ordering girlie drinks all season. Be the bouncer. Be the bouncer.

9. Buckeye’s Revenge – You’ve got LT and a losing record. That is really hard to do. You made a good decision benching Maroney, but nobody stepped up in his place. The same is to be said with Musin Muhammed, who you correctly pegged to have a lousy game. What was surprising was that Clark didn’t contribute at all. What was not surprising was that Jones was going against one of the toughest run defenses in the league and came up empty. So much for Revenge this year, Buckeye. Perhaps next year you will choose a name that is more befitting your managerial style. Perhaps “Renee” or “Tammy” Those seem more your speed. As for this week, of the teams you’ve played twice, you’ve lost to them all before except one. So, much like your bowel movements, expect this week to be fast and loose, but ultimately in the end, stinky.

10. Incontinence Brigade - Wow. Pulled out a victory just in time to get that elusive second win and not coincidentally, the second time topping 100 pts. But looking back, let’s remember the good times this season. What do 9 weeks of losses look like? Like this my friends:



Note: Gonna win this week though.