Power Rankings Week 8

Power Rankings return with a sexy parties, a new charity organization, and this week's Playing with Fire Award. Plus find out how John Kerry is his own natural law, how there is hope for a Shit Sammich, and why Steve Winwood's ass is sore.

1. Rocky Mountain High - Number one until next week, because let's be honest. Beating a Shit Sammich is not exactly hard to do. The Loftus will fleece you in Week 9 mostly because I don't like you. You have my money. And you are either going to keep it and throw one of your "sexy parties" or give it to someone else who is not me so they can afford to attend your "sexy party." And you'll end up just like this – drunk and in a diaper making fun of a dog. Then again, that's where I end up most mornings anyway. Ladies, call me.

2. Up and In Them – The winning streak is over, but you are still near the top. This team hasn't done much moving around (10 moves) and hasn't traded anyone; like turning on a car and letting it idle. If you thought it was tough against a newly determined if not effeminate Commissioner, your week 9 byes look even worse (or shall we say Philly-lite). You should be thankful that your Runza opponent has no real RB's in week 9. However, once Westbrook gets hurt (week 10) your victory hopes go with him. Then you'll realize you've been idling the car in the garage the whole time.

3. Tom Brady is No Queer – This team stated its goal was to be 6-3 by week 9. Well congratulations, it's nice to see a dream come true. You should be the founder of the Make-A-Shitty-Wish Foundation™ for fantasy football. It would go something like this: a different team realizes that they won't have the chance to handcuff themselves in a given week like you did (ex: Brady & Chester Taylor). And perhaps they also tack on a second wish that they could sit the best defense in the NFL. Since they can't, TBINQ will live that dream for them. You acted like 0.20 would have been a small margin of victory. Reminds me of the time I was telling Gisele Buchendedununchen how big I was (same number). She seemed unimpressed. Until I told her that was its width! Booyah!

4. Trade Wins me FUFL – Benefitting from two trades, this team is the one to watch. Will the Commissioner pull off a late stretch run of wins? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his social life? Probably. Will he do so at the expense of his porn surfing? No way, Jose. That's why you gotta root for this team – placing winning above dignity. This team LEFT 75 points on the bench this week. As of right now, TWMFUFL would have had almost 170 pts in an "optimal lineup" according to StatTracker. That's the highest of anyone so far. In fact, that's almost the same number of young women creeped out after hearing his version of what really happened on 9/11.

5. BUSH LEAGUE – any question why this team hated "The Trade" so much? It stood to play both teams involved one right after the other. While this league was not Fleeced in week 8, you can expect it to fall to the Commissioner – all the while denying any personal accountability and that it's the fault of everything/everyone else. No one could have forseen that TWMFUFL had players of mass destruction. Remind anyone of a different, scarier Bush League? Your lineup for week 9 has some good matchups – Jacobs will get a lot of goal-line opportunities (if Barber doesn't make it that far himself from 20 yds or more), and Minnesota's defense will regroup for San Francisco. Quick question - I asked this of his mom then, and of you now: Why are you still carrying Wally Lundy?

6. Huricane Loftus – this team is looking for a potential upset against the top seed. Like Bush League, matchups against Houston are the key. Given how many teams need Houston to lose, it is almost assured David Carrweck (get it?) and Co. will pull off an upset. The addition of Willie Parker looks like a solid move for you, despite the temporary controversy. Owens will have a good game against the Redskins, but every minute he is on the field, Portis is off. And if you're hoping for a high scoring game, it means Washington isn't running the ball. Also – for Portis to be effective, Brunnell has to throw a football to a receiver. Most of this, like my affair with Heidi Klum, is fantasy. The rest of it, like my affair with Seal, is awkward and full of song. But mostly just awkward.

7. Original Gangstas - Without Manning, this team wouldn't even be a shit sammich. There are teams who are need of a good QB, and now that the Colts are past their bye, Brees would give you some good trade bait so you could upgrade your WR corps. We see you're also playing mind games by leaving in bye's until the last minute. As I've learned countless times from ex-girlfriends, psychological games just don't work. Now hypnosis on the other hand will have her hand down your pants every time you cluck like a chicken.

8. Buckeye's Revenge – The only team to have cracked the 800 point mark without having at least a .500 winning percentage. This team dropped some serious knowledge on a (literally) defenseless Runza. We'll continue to question how he could bench the Chicago players opposing San Fran at home, mostly because it's fun to point out the glaring flaws of others. Like when I tell the homeless they're dirty, or Paris Hilton that she's alive. Don't expect Wayne to put up 38 against a good New England D this week, but you can bet your ass that Muhammed is going to have a great day if you leave him on your bench. It's a law of nature, like gravity. Or like John Kerry managing to fuck up an election he's not even a part of.

9. Raging Runzas – Four games ago, this team was primed to be a contender. Now it is the winner of this week's Playing with Fire Award (7 used already!*). This makes sense, as the parallels are similar: a wife, a new baby, and the street credibility of a girl scout. No matter what you try from now on, you cannot be taken seriously. So how do you get back at them hatas? In the words of Helen Keller, you "Play on playa. Play on." It was either her or Jay-Z. I always get them mixed up because they both laugh like chicks who can't speak English.

Note: I would caution against buying this disc in its 'used' state. Once you try and play a CD that someone has used to wipe their ass, it totally fucks up your CD player. Take it from someone who's been there.

45. Shit Sammich – Riding out a 5 game skid longer and more odious than the one I leave in my underoos everyday. Week 8 was a game more lopsided than Tara Reid's chest. Though week 9 looks promising, let's remember that even though Steve Winwood once sang, "I'll be back in the high life again/ All the doors I closed one time will open up again/ I'll be back in the high life again/All the eyes that watched me once will smile and take me in." - Keep in mind he wrote that about prison rape. To get into the playoffs, not only does this team need to win-out with an average of 150 pts per game, but every other team needs to lose all of their games. Impossible you say? I once thought so. But then again, I thought that a photo of a Disney character revealing the pierced nipple of a mouseketeer was impossible. There is hope yet.