Power Rankings: Playoff Edition

So another season nears its inevitable conclusion, as the field is separated into two camps: the haves and the ‘fuck the haves.’ Here at YFTS headquarters, we strive to give you the most accurate playoff information available. But we also strive to not work that hard.

Douchebag Jones vs. The Pile On Guys – The Big Game

DBag Jones’ 3 QB 'trilemma' reminds me of my own efforts with my mail-order brides. One ran all over the place to no avail, the second was a gay eagle, and the third arrived dead in a box (the box even said Fragile on it). And to be honest, none of them really worked out – which is exactly what will happen for DBag. All of your QB’s have earned roughly 40-49% of their points in this week’s game setting (Vick & Rivers at home, Garcia away). So the running game, like our manchild president - will be the decider. Both Alexander and Green are going against two of the worst run defenses in the NFL. Sitting Addai is wise against a surging Cincy D – mostly because another Cincy defenseman was just arrested, and he’ll probably play lights out football, thus proving his innocence to everyone. Don’t ask me how it proves anything, I’m not a damn doctor. I just know that’s how it works in sports movies.

Pile on Guys – For all the attention you’ve paid to your RB’s (57% of your team now) – you’ve left little room for the inevitable WR injury. Expect Driver’s sore shoulder to be tested repeatedly by the Detroit secondary. Normally, the Detroit Secondary wouldn’t worry me, but much like an Iraqi policeman they are probably bent on injuring rather than doing the actual work of defending. What you do have going for you are good offensive matchups. Brady at the Houston Mouth-Breathers, and Bush against Washington. Oakland has the fourth best pass defense against Holt and the Ram’s 10 best passing attack. This gives the early edge to Oakland, but If my calculations are correct, then I have ten fingers. I’d blow your mind with some more math, but I can’t get at my toes since my wife tied my shoelaces in double knots. It’s like walking around with Chinese finger traps on your feet.

Reading my magic crystal ball (my toilet bowl happens to be made of the finest crystal), I predict the DBag by 11pts. I also predict that I will be cutting back on corn.

Up & Atom vs. Rocky Mountain High –
The “Winner Takes All or Winner Gets Lucky and Then Loses Next Week” Game

Up & Atom – Very sneaky you are, benching everyone to disguise your lineup. But using my Columbo-like skills, I was able to deduce your potential lineup. Although I must admit doing it while allowing one eye to wander like a drunken midget in a chair (below) was difficult. However, if you were to play the obvious choices (including Young at QB), you’d be projected at 108.3 points -which is surprisingly under your opponent's. But take heart U&A, because you tend to beat your projections like a sleeping baby. Should you win this week, a victory next week is guaranteed over either opponent emerging from “The Big Game.” Should you lose this week, you should not – I repeat – you should not do anything drastic. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. And no matter how much you wanted to win, there’s nothing you can do change things. Unless you punch unsuspecting strangers in the neck. And as they stare at you, struggling to breathe, you tell them your story and right before they go into the white light, you’ll see them smile. Because damn, if life isn’t funny.

Rocky Mountain High – Again, Tono Romo is getting some very favorable projections for this game. And once again, his name still spells “Toy Moron.” Also, LJ is not running for 2+ scores against a San Diego D that has been prepping at least 2 weeks for him. He burned them for 29 fantasy pts last time and they didn’t have too much time to see How Pittsburgh neutralized him in Week 5. This week will also see if the Cincy D’s resurgence is for real. If they can disrupt Manning, this could make the game for you. However, your WR’s aren’t good enough to make up for any mistakes, and even if you manage to win, you will get crushed next week by either of the Big Game participants. As my crazy Uncle Lenny would say, “Drill-bits! Taters!” He’s such a sweet man.

After huffing 6 bags of wood glue (the white stuff is for pussies) my prediction is Up & Atom by 22pts. And I also predict that by the end of the hour, I will have huffed an entire freaking horse. I wonder how much Black Stallion goes for.

Drunk Midget in a Chair Visual.

So for the money race I predict

DBag over Pile On.
U&A over RMH.
FINAL: U&A over Dbag.

Everyone else over a barrel.

And now for the Courtesy Flush Games:

Loftus Vs. Runza - Two of the Loftii’s losses came from teams with 4-10 and 2-10 records. Imagine you had one those two games Loftus. And now imagine you are covered in jelly and whispering dirty words at a webcam, using your index finger to motion slowly for viewers to come closer. Now realize there are probably kids watching, you fucking pervert. WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???

If I could make a list of all of the things that made me sad, none would compare to the Runza’s bench. You could kick a crippled puppy of a deployed US Marine in the face with a steel toed boot and it would still be a party compared to this team’s bench. There is about as much depth to this bench as there is to your average case of whiskey dick. When you have to pin your hopes on Jay Cutler and Jon Kitna, you might as well just eat your own fingers. At least that will stop you from gouging out your eyes while watching the games.

“Face Enema”- induced (don’t ask) prediction: Loftus by 8.5

In the Toilet Vs. Original Gangstas - Looking at these teams, you can tell both managers work in Congress. One made all sorts of moves, had high expectations, adjusted strategies and ultimately spun its wheels to get to sixth place. The other stayed the course (or forgot about the course and was distracted by pretty lights and sounds) and wound up in basically the same place. So what does this mean? Well it means our country is screwed. It doesn’t matter what you do if you don’t have enough talent to begin with. It is our understanding that the Toilet is planning to send in 20,000 additional Running Backs for this game, but the OG’s oppose such a move on the grounds that the Toilet wouldn’t know what to do with them once he got them and would probably not play them anyway because he didn’t want to be “rushed.” So. Angry. Must. Eat. Thumbtacks…. New Pain. Hot Pain. Mouth Full of Blood…. Original Anger fading… Anger at Whoever put… Thumbtacks in my mouth….

Prediction: We’ll stand down when they stand up. And they’ll stand down b/c they don’t feel like getting fucking shot either.
Bonus Prediction: In The Toilet by 17

Buckeye’s Vs. Incontinence Brigade - First off, screw Yahoo for not letting the last two teams not even have a consolation game. This may be the closest game points-wise, and to be honest has no less meaning than any of the Courtesy Flush games. But no, you fuckers at Yahoo have to make someone feel retarded. If I could get my protective helmet off, I would huck it at you. But this damn Velcro is impossible to solve.

Anyway, the projections would be Buckeye’s 113.07 vs. Incontinence Brigade 95.81.

For both teams this whole season has been like unzipping your fly to take a piss, nothing happening, but then taking a crap in your pants while you stand there. How is it like that you ask? Because it’s happened before, everything felt right at the beginning, and your friends feel awkward watching. At the beginning of the season, I asked, “Who the Fuck are You?” and now I know. You are my brother in feces. Welcome to the FUFL family. You’ll fit right in.

Drunk Vagrant's prediction: "GIVE ME BACK MY COAT!!! HEY HE STOLE MY COAT!!!"
Bonus Prediction: Buckeye's by Eleventeen. But the Brigade gets a cool "retro" coat.