Power Rankings are back from their second bye of the season (won’t happen again. Unless it does). This week - a dark portrait of future fantasy drafts, what two headed sheep and a hip hop have in common, and why you should be watching the food network. Also we’ll see how winning at the circus can still make you feel like you’ve really lost. Plus some stuff about this league or something.
1. Smear the Queer - What’s queer is how the team with 108 points more than the next best is in third place.
After eking out a win over the deciders, Smear has a good shot at another victory in week 6.
The addition of Cooley to the roster should benefit them now that Brunnell can more or less pass the ball forward to his own teammates.
And based on current rankings, this team’s kicker has the 11
th highest points total in the league at 74.
Remember that next season when someone selects “Gould, kicker, Chicago” before taking an RB in the second round.
If we just gave you an idea, keep in mind that a sock full of batteries to the head hurts just as much when wielded out of concern for the league’s dignity as it does envy.
2. Hurricane Loftus - This team reminds us of the Jackson Family. The patriarch treats all of the individual members with contempt except one who he knows is destined for glory. And yet somehow, through sheer perseverance or spite, they come together to dominate the pop charts. To carry this analogy further, Rex “Deliciousman” will soon own a shady theme park while sleeping with monkeys and children, and Portis will show his left tit during the Super Bowl. Ladell Betts might be Tito. These are the facts people. Also: the manager needs to decide on quoting either Wrex-n-Effect or A Tribe Called Quest, not some hybrid lyric he’s made up. It’s like being told a two headed sheep is just a regular sheep. No it’s not. It’s a sheep and witness.
3. Up and Atom - This might be the only team who scores 112 and it feels like a letdown. As for your next few games, you will once more be Up and In Them. We’ll freely admit that you will be enjoying your opponent’s byes in weeks 6 and 7, but it just so happens that you’ve got McNabb and (maybe) Westbrook, who together have more points than every player in the NFL combined, ever. That’s a rough calculation of course, because I can’t count past 20 (I run out of fingers and toes). While McNabb is currently the league leader in Total Yards and TD’s, I am the league leader in Beds Wetted and Pokemon Dolls Humped. What league is this you ask? The League of Extraordinarily Creepy Gentlemen. We meet on alternate Thursdays right after we watch our Full House reruns on tape. Ladies, call me.
4. Rocky Mountain High – We have been stumped as to how this team is 4-1 with its lineup. Maybe those of you who have been run over by RMH haven’t noticed its license plate: OVR8TD. We’re starting to see cracks in the armor here despite another victory in week 5.
Sure, its lineup has big projected numbers, but it’s not going to win it’s week 6 game (Jones will do well, and maybe Heap and that’s it) – especially if they handcuff themselves by starting both LJ and the Pittsburgh D. This team has beaten the bottom of the barrel of the league, and hasn’t proved its strength against more tested teams. Plus, the manager has our $35 bucks and won’t give it back because our team sucks. Dick.
5. Deadskins – Maybe Bledsoe will survive the tenacious 12 pt Houston D, but in Week 7 Bulger & Jackson are on bye, and we don’t like big Drew’s chances against the Giants. Don’t panic because he’s old, panic because every 126 yards, he throws an interception. Except for Stephen Jackson and Marc Bulger, not one member of this team has cracked 55 points on the season. Since the kicker is not a real player, we’re just going to ignore the fact that he’s on pace for 224 points – which in 2005, would have put him right behind LT and LJ for the season. The only thing more depressing to me than that statistic is that my Dawson Creek Fan Fiction scripts are finally ready to be submitted for public consumption. When you love something so much, it makes you sad to let it go.
6. Raging Runzas – Best quote ever: “Quarterback Philip Rivers says that Gates' relatively low number of catches so far this season is due in part to the fact that he is receiving a lot of attention from opposing defenses, Chargers.com reports.” It has nothing to do with the fact that Phillip Rivers can’t hit a drunken Hilton sister on a Saturday night much less an open receiver. The Runzas are primed for an upset this week against Rocky Mountain High. Mostly because we want to see that miserly RMH go down. On something other than a homeless man in a subway, that is. Zing!
7. Original Gangstas – This game against Pathetic is gonna be gross. Not in a good way, but more of an oh-god-what's-that-on-the-counter-ewwww-smell-it-no-you-smell-it-I'll-
give-you-a-dollar-if-you-touch-it-no-way-you-touch-it-i-can't-believe-
you-touched-it-eewwww kind of gross. This is a game you should win hands down. Then again, I’ve played games where I ended up winning only hands. Severed human hands. I’ve never gone back to the circus since.
8. Buckeye’s Revenge – I had a rough bye week once. But it was in college, and I was ‘experimenting’, and come to think of it, I think it was spelled “Bi-Week” and there were cameras and roofies everywhere. Good times. Anyway, we’re all watching the waiver wire to see if you drop any of your players in order to pick up a kicker. Then again, Vinatieri hasn’t produced all that much as of late. You can keep hoping he’s going to be the Vinatieri of old, and I can keep hoping those hookers stay buried in their cold unmarked wooded graves, but we’re both just living in the past.
9. I’m the Decider – Not much to say about this abomination of a team other than Brady’s gone, and something named “Kitna” is the new QB. We’re hoping that it’s a character from Thundercats, but it’s unlikely no matter how cool that would be. Instead, this space is dedicated to calling out the people who spell theater with the reversed "er" to make it "theatre" - and then have the cojones to say "thee-A-ter" in normal conversation. Why do people with no accent whatsoever think its ok to roll off the one foreign word in their linguistic repertoire and act as if nothing happened? "Oh I just love veal saltimbocca!" Right. Of course you do. I thought we got rid of this annoying trait when we executed everyone who didn't say "craw-sont" at pasty shops across America. At least that's what I hope we did. The only person exempt from this rant is the chick on the food network who does 'Everyday Italian' because she has a sweet rack.
10. Pathetic - Cheer up Pathetic – it’s like the old saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough are not your team.” I’d rather watch puppies drown than your game this week. Nevermind that Ben has fewer points than the season has weeks played (5), concentrate on what you have going for you: your best RB’s and surging Defense are all on bye this week against the one team you could probably beat.. I have no idea what to say to you other than that you are the Commissioner, I wished this exact scenario, and there must be a higher dark power acting on my most evil desires. But maybe this could all turn around - you’ve been losing to the top teams, after all. It’s like being hit by really really nice oncoming cars. Except when you lost to the Deciders, which is like getting hit by a newspaper boy on the shitty BMX he stole from you. And as you dust yourself off, you notice he ripped off the pretty pink ribbons from the handlebars, which you loved to watch wave in the wind as you rode to ballet class, you fucking girl.
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