FUFL: Mocking the Draft

Power Speculations: Mocking the Draft

I think I could argue that there are more important things going on in the world than our fantasy football draft. I mean there is an evil in this world, and it has come to our country and threatens to strike us in the very near future. Some might say I am over-reacting to the idea of Marc Anthony breeding but to you I say watch this.

Granted, I know I just violated about four articles of the Geneva Conventions here, but there are some of you with a pre-Marc-Anthony-offspring-mindset of the world. So here's a small distraction from important world events. Here's how the draft goes down. Quick Recap from last year: did last year end? here's what should have happened

But in the end, democracy one. or DID IT????

1. Xian & the Crusaders - Dear Leader will likely put together a formidable team as he does every year, although last year's deal with the devil comes to term as he will be forced to draft Samkon Gado in the first, second, and third rounds. Last year's breakout game against the Falcons (and my FUFL team) inspired me to write the bestselling* children's book entitled, "Screw you Samkon Gado. Screw You Straight to Hell."

*And yes, Mr. Details, if the cops break into my house and recover thousands of copies of "threatening literature" they are counted as individual sales -as is each time its read to a jury, and once per conviction.

2. Steve Superior - Based on previous year's drafts, this team will have the hardest schedule. Also based on previous year's drafts, someone will be the first to take a kicker, someone else will be the first to select a defense, and Jones will end up drunk and alone in his little apartment, quietly grinding his teeth because he chipped in too much for pizza and no one paid him back. He'll make sure they pay.. Oh yes.. they'll pay.

3. Hurricane Loftus - Still going with the name of a girly-drink, the Loftii are coming off two good seasons. Last year's expected winner, the Loftii bombed like a Mariah Carey movie to the glee and merriment of the FUFL. Winner of last year's "What the Fucking Fuck?" award for his announcement of impending nuptials on the FUFL board, this team may win this coveted award as early as draft day should he once again choose Peyton Manning in Round one. Preview of the Colts season in 4 words: Incomplete, Stuffed, Incomplete, Punt. Is a Manning/Punter combo official yet?

4. Playmakers - One step from naming his team "Vanilla", I think I speak for all of us when I say that I am disappointed in a team once known as "The Black Athlete." The 'Makers will have a decent draft as they have each of the past two years, but will nonetheless sweat it out, crunching numbers and second guessing, to the delight of his competitors. This constant feeling of inadequacy and the inability to perform always leads to dark places, where you are tied to the bed, crying, pleading with the hooker to leave you cab fare and penicillin before s/he leaves. That hasn't happened to you? Ummm. Me neither.

5. I'm the Decider - The real question is will the Decider take New England's TE Ben Watson in the first or second round? A perennial late bloomer in this league, the Decider's unique managing skill, combined with his good looks, always seem to lead to (or near) the playoffs, but never the prize. Perhaps that's because he travels the world sexing only the most beautiful ladies the globe has to offer, or perhaps it's because the most beautiful women of the world travel the globe to sex him.* Based on information I just made up, this year the Decider will have a mediocre season, but will make the playoffs in a wildcard scenario based on rustic good looks or incriminating recordings of the Commissioner when he was vulnerable and needed to talk. One of those two.

*Or because he's married.

6. Raging Runzas - Hmmm. Raging, huh? Really? This yeasty dough bread pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, and seasonings started off strong for the last two years and then for one reason or another just collapsed down the stretch. And by one reason or another I mean Stephen “today is the day I become a real woman." Jackson (Exhibit A: 2005 mid-November's 0.2 performance). Originator of the StephVen Smith combo, you can bet if the player is named Steve, Stephen, or Stephanie they will not go undrafted by this team. So Rage on Runza. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.

7. Original Gangstas - Another favorite to employ a combo-heavy offense. But with no Owens/McNabb, what will the new combo be for the OG's this year? Will it actually be the new/old tandem of McNair to Mason? You know the old saying: An old combo is never good unless you find it in the couch and rub it off on your pants really really well. And that's a problem for the OG's, cause this team doesn't wear pants. At least not at work or in front of the computer. That reminds me, why haven't you been fired yet?

8. Buckeye's Revenge - Who the fuck are you?*

*Actually, the rumor is you are named Brian. And that we had lunch once. Good to see you again. How's it going?

9. Rocky Mountain High - Always the wildcard, this team usually assembles a mix of above average playesrs and who-dats to create a team that is uneasily defined. You know what else is uneasily defined? "pneumono­ultra­micro­scopic­silico­volcano­coniosis" I am guessing here, but I think it's the medical term for volcanoes who are insecure about their magma temperature. I'm just speculating, I'm not a doctor you know.

10. Up and Atom - You will always be Mummified Poultry to us. This team should be the happiest that the FUFL is not a keeper league, because with last year's debacle of Jamal Lewis and Clinton Portis this atom wouldn't even have a half life (ba-dum-ching!). Will local loyalties demand you take JP Losman in the first round? I think so. But then again, I also think witches are real and that this burning sensation will go away if I scratch it more. So, in summary: I am itchy in scary places.

See you all on the internets on Wednesday.