Power Rankings - Election Edition - Week 10

This week we have a class of officeholders, Steve Smith showing up Death, batteries are swallowed, and a proposed Brocktoon Platform. Plus a deserving karate kick to the throat, and we learn why no one should go near the boss’ purse ever again.

1. President/Benevolent Dictator/Fuhrer: EcoTerrorists – With a game’s worth of points between the others with similar records, EcoTerrorists is putting some distance between his competitors. The last meeting of this team and its week 10 Up and Atom opponent was a barnburner (140.57 - 136.07). That team is gone – with only three original starters remaining – Chester, Gore, and Baltimore D. All of whom sound like gang leaders or myspace aliases. “Yo, if you don’t add Baltimore D to your top friends, homey’s gonna represent, and throw 16 in the clip and one in the hole.” At least that’s what Nate Dogg told me. Anyway, in the end this week you lose and you’ll be ranked third in two weeks, after you have to play a surging Cut&Runner in week 11, while Up & Atom eats a Shit Sammich. It’s not fair, but you know what? Chicken Butt.

2. Vice President/Military Junta Leader: Up and Atom – Sure, the VP here has been on a 2 game losing streak, but you can chalk up a win this week (as long as Westbrook plays), a win next week (Shit Sammiches taste bad, but like the doctor and my former prison cellmate said, “It’s good for you”), and some consistent point totals to keep you in place for the playoffs. Be nervous about Fred Taylor’s “thigh” injury, as this guy can get a toothache and be out for 4 weeks. I got a toothache once, and I went to the dentist and he told me to stop eating batteries. He might as well have told me to stop breathing. So I switched to AAA, and now wash them down with milk. You don’t impress Scarlett Johanssen by not eating batteries and putting them up on YouTube my friend. Let’s use some common sense here. Here’s a quick video of the Vice Prez vs. EcoTerrorists:

3. (Madame) Speaker of the House/Imposer of San Franciscan Values: Cutting & Running – This was a tough call, but it’s hard to deny a 4 game win streak. C&R’s opponent has a history of missing the Yahoo projections, and his team’s running game is just stronger. Not only has this team won several straight, but it’s also figured out time travel, as the manager can clearly be seen as a boy in this recent photo. As for the week 10 game, it will be a squeaker for the Speaker, but C&R won’t be weaker, just a shrieker who’s bleaker and meeker, and sounds like Beeker . On a semi-related note, this crystal meth is fucking fantastic.

4. Senate President/Activist Judge: Hurricane Loftus – This is the highest ranking this team has gotten, although after this week who knows. Two of its most productive starters are going against the Chicago D; which happens to be his opponent’s defense. Meanwhile Stallworth idles on the bench, as does MJDrew against a pourous Houston, both at HOME, while Owens is up against a due-for-a-comeback-game Arizona D and Portis isn't going to get going all that much as Philly is 4th against the pass. Like the troop-hating Democrats, your opponent will win not because of their vision, but because you lost it for yourself. That and you tried to blow your interns. Boss appreciation day just isn’t what it used to be, is it?

5. Governor/Angry Warlord: Election Nightmare – This is a good week for an Election Nightmare. A solid running game that will take out opponents like they were New England Republicans. Since Week 3, this team has been putting up 100+ points, and that trend – like Americans wanting the government out of their fucking bedroom – will only continue. Thomas was indeed a good pickup and your quick thinking shows why you are considered an up-and-comer in your party. I’ve never been a member of a party at all, mostly because I refuse to join any party that won’t address my demand for a Brocktoon Platform. If I can’t be born unto new worlds where his flesh is my key, well then, this isn’t the America I thought it was.

6. Congressman/Sketchy Elected Judge: Rocky Mountain High – You may be 6-3, but with no McGahee, it’s hard to see you getting similar numbers from your benchwarmers. Romo had a good outing last week, but don’t expect that to save you. And every player on your roster has a letter after their name (P/O/D/Q). It’s like playing scrabble but without the angry sex afterward, you know? Choosing between Romo and Favre is like deciding whether to take a piss or a dump in your boss’ purse. It’s a hard choice, both have their downsides, but you gotta choose one. I mean, you were dared and all.

7. Mayor/Corrupt Official: Orginial Gangstas – Three games in a row for the OG’s with a good chance to make it 4 this week. We assume the OG’s put Smith into the lineup, after he comes back from attending a funeral. He’ll be especially pumped to play so that he can show that death who’s really the boss. “See that Death? That’s two TD’s muthafucka! Stick that in your mug, Beeyotch!” and then Death will sink into his chair made of bones, because Smith is right, that’s two TD’s – right in his mug. The OG’s just have to stand around and watch their opponent lose this week. It’s like this video around the1:30 mark. Just send the Loftii a text saying that it’s over, and it’s over for good and there’s nothing he can do to make it better.



8. State Senator/Corrupt Official #2: Raging Runzas –It’s nice to see a little bit of rage from the Runzas, but last week was an anomaly and this week I had to look up the definition of anomaly. Beating an Up & Atom team that was more Philly-Lite than cream cheese (zing!) by the slimmest of margins is nothing to be proud of. Karate kicking an intruder in the throat and incapacitating them for life, on the other hand, is. And I don’t care if she was selling cookies – that girl scout was not invited in – ergo: intruding. A tough loss will occur this week and next, and the dying of the light approacheth no matter how much you rage. This Runza is getting moldy.

9. Dog Catcher: Buckeye’s Revenge - The two worst teams play each other this week and this team has the edge. So, uhh contratulations for being just un-shitty enough to beat a pile of turd. Actually, the Revenge will put up huge numbers this weekend, and the point total will be wasted on defeating the Sammich. Too bad, because in week 11, you’ll be used like a blow-up sheep at a frat party. Which begs the question: why didn’t anyone join my fraternity?

10. LaRouche: Shit Sammich - To add insult to injury, this team will be rooting for his opponents RB, as the Sammich travels to Gillette to root on the Pats. You can find him 9^th row center behind the goalpost, awkwardly high-fiving strangers and awkwardly trying to get the crowd to yell “The Patriots are the better team in this football contest!!” As for this week, here’s a preview of Shit Sammich Vs. Buckeye’s: