NFL season picks

I was asked for my NFL predictions by the crew at Hugging Harold Reynolds, and in 10 minutes time, I put together this list. I'm not making excuses, I'm bragging.

(division winners marked with *)

NFC North

*Bears - Purely because of their D.

Packers - Brett will be on fumes this year, I'd rather be running on premium fumes than regular gas. It's the difference between a guinness fart and and a taco bell fart.

Vikings - A Taco Bell fart that leaves a purple stripe.

Lions - This is Jon Fucking Kitna's team, and he's taking it the only place he feels safe from the storm: the cellar.

NFC East

*Eagles - McNabb doesn't even need the leg he's rehabbing. He'll probably just break it off midway through the season and jam a metal pipe in there or something. He's bionic.

The Team Tony Romo is On - Because according to everyone, he's the only person worth mentioning.

Redskins - This feels about right.

Giants - Brandon Jacobs is gonna make every fantasy owner cry. He was good at taking goal line touches. But he never really worked to get to the goal line, did he?

NFC South

*Saints – They are just too good. Update: not for the Colts, though.

Bucs – Will randomly be better for no good reason. The part of No Good Reason will be played by Jeff Garcia.

Panthers – They keep slipping a little every year.

Falcons – Somewhere, Joey Harrington is looking at a playbook and thinking, "where's that INT route I was so good at?"

NFC West

*49ers – This feels weird.

Rams – Stephen and the Bulge should be a buddy comedy.

Seahawks – Shaun Alexander will only be disappointing whatever clown drafted him. The rest of us knew better, right?

Cardinals – Matt Leinert will be just as good a father as he is a starting QB.

AFC North

Bengals – I think I hate every team in this division. So fine, uhhh Bengals will win.

Steelers – Back to form, but not their year. Steely McBeam is responsible.

Ravens – I am so unsold on this team.

Cleveland – The Frye Era will be terrible – all 2.5 weeks of it. Enter Brady the Lady Quinn.

AFC East

*Patriots – They are magical.

Dolphins – Crazy pick here, but I gotta feeling. Plus I need to separate myself from my peers.

Jets – Not a great situation at any major starting position.

Bills – Losman, dude. He's studying with Harrington I bet.

AFC South

*The Team with that Manning Guy on it – I can't remember his name, but I heard a reference to a monkey off his back or something. I'll just guess that I was told Manning got off on a monkey riding bareback. I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear.

Jaguars – Rawwwr!

Texans – Think the QB will have wished he stayed in Atlanta just one more year?

Titans – leaking oil. Vince Young can't scramble on every play, can he?

AFC West

*Broncos – Always have a ridiculous smaller running back who gains 1,000+ yds

Chargers – LT and Rivers both great, but who else is?

Chiefs – Awkward Silence Goes Here. Awkward Silence then bitch slapped by Herm Edwards.

Raiders – Culpepper to Moss almost happened again if the receiver hadn't left to the Pats. It would be like watching my grandparents play catch. Old people are funny sometimes. "Give me back my teeth!" they yell. They're so precious.

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Wildcard: Chargers, Steelers, Packers, Rams

Conference Winners: Pats (Over Broncs), Saints (Over Eagles)

Superbowl: PATS WIN, PATS WIN

And Tom Brady celebrates by getting everyone pregnant.


Cross posted at Hugging Harold Reynolds