FUFL Rankings of Power - Week the Second

This week a new stat for dipshits and a child's birthday party gone horribly wrong. Plus there's a job opening in the town of Crapville, and one team can attest to a serious truth: you do NOT fuck with Mr. Snuzzles. Also, some FUFL stuff in there about your team so you can read something about yourself you vain prick.

Image Courtesy of Yahoo!

1. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - The Dogpound jumps to the top from the five spot after dropping the week's high score on a weak-kneed opponent. I've seen street justice knee-cappings more humane than what happened in this game. Palmer threw for 6 TD's and was still the losing QB - his defense fell apart and let a clearly inferior opposition backup QB triumph and bathe in glory. Henceforth, this will be defined as getting "Anderesoned." Tommy Lee and Kid Rock have both experienced this, except they are both bathing in Hepatitis C. Had Palmer a more routine outing, then the game would have been closer, but still a victory. Week 3 sees a close loss, mostly because the Seattle D is so poor against the run (28th) - expect the Bengals to keep the field stretched, but with more reliance on the running game. Driver continues to enjoy frequent looks from Favre in the red zone, and Chris Chambers' numbers were a nice surprise. In this league, decent RB production combined with outstanding WR is a recipe for success. On a related note - a stolen police car, a soothing crack high and a secluded wooded area, mixed with just a pinch of chloroform is a recipe for romance. I'm like the Julia Childs of sexual deviants.

2. Rugs on Valium (WG) - A tough loss in week 2 to one of the few teams that could have withstood the RoV production. This is THE team to beat this year, folks. RoV doesn't rely on one flashy skill player to get it done, and the entire roster is consistently putting up big numbers. Counting points left on the bench and points scored, RoV is posting a whopping 419. The next closest FUFL'er is the Plumbers with 369. The bench is just ridiculous right now, and this is probably the only team that should not make a trade or drop a player for the entire season. While bye weeks are covered nicely, the lone fear for RoV will be injuries: Green, Alexander, Holt, and Jordan have all suffered setbacks in past seasons, limiting their impact. The match-up against the Pile(d) on Guys this week will be a major test, but even with a loss, the next 6 weeks offer a schedule softer than a Democrat's spine.

3. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Just like the 2006 season, this team puts up points. And then more points. And then some points after that. Steve Smith went apeshit with 3 TD's, and Randy Moss - arguably the steal of most fantasy drafts - piled up the TD's again. The Plumber's bench continues to show its depth, making this team a formidable opponent against anyone all season, especially those with tough bye week issues (See week 5). Oh, and Derrick Ward turned in another solid outing. So fuck you in the eye. Week 3 looks like another middle-of-the-pack team for you to walk all over - just like you do to the downtrodden. Only in this instance you can't spit on them. Or can you? The speed of new technology is amazing these days. All I know is that while we're pouring our resources into disease research, upgrading our military, and testing how lab monkeys fight robots, someone better get on my online spitting problem. I've got a good loogie coming on that I don't wanna waste.

4. Cin City (BM) - Once every 85 years, Haley's Comet passes within sight of earth. Not to hyperbolize but that happens more often than Peyton Manning putting up 14 fantasy points. You hitched your wagon to the Colts, and as they go so do you. The problem with this arrangement is that when they shit, it smells up your wagon good and thick. I am reluctant to make a prediction because they always come out wrong/opposite. But whatever, uhhh.... expect a close game against the current power leader, but one you will ultimately lose. Although by me saying that, does it make you more likely to win? But then by saying that have I made you more likely to lose? But now win?! Or Lose?! I just posed this same scenario to that crazypants Criss Angel dude who does MindFreak and it caused him to cancel his show because he's seen it all now. You're welcome.

5. Kool-Aid Maroney(DP) - Most of your lineup is on the road for Week 3 preventing you from that second win. In Week 2, once again Brady, Gore and Gates delivered, but it wasn't enough over the Commish. This week, the matchups are favorable but not favorable enough! Your trinity alone cannot save you. The Green Bay D will hold Gates and the Pitt D has an answer for Gore. That puts pressure on the likes of Kevin Curtis and Williams to come up big - which isn't impossible, but hardly the situation you want to find yourself in against an opponent you should clearly have your way with. Also, the Fantasy Gods take offense when you name a team for a player you don't have and then proceed to keep said name when you play against the team who does have the player. It's true. It's like one of the ten commandments or something.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This Week in Numbers
Season Average FUFL Winning Score: 119.34
Season Average FUFL Losing Score: 104.41
Completely Average in Every way: Carson Daly

New Stat: Didn't Play, Sucks Huge Testicles (DPSHT)

First off, points left on the bench are not necessarily bad things. They can show how stacked your team is. Mostly though, they result in a lot of second guessing by managers who realize the outcome of their game would have been different if Player X had been in the lineup and not on the sidelines. In order to address this, YFTS has come up with a stat: the DPSHT %. It is caluclated thusly: Total Pts left on bench/Total Pts accumulated. This should (roughly) show which managers are making the best decisions when it comes to their lineup. The lower the percentage, the better you are. Right now, Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) has the lowest percentage at 19%, followed by The Nancy Kerrigans (21%) and the Dogpound (22%). I could be way off base here - I meant to just post optimal lineup minus actual lineup, but StatTracker doesn't have a history. Maybe that will happen going forward. Maybe it won't. Whatever - I'm the first to admit I'm bad with numbers. For example, I've totally lost count of how many supermodels I banged. Last night.

----------------------------------------------------------------

6. The Pile(d) On Guys (MW) - The Curse of the OG's is remarkable to watch. The OG's could start a fight with a widdle baby bunny wabbit and come away bruised, broken, and covered in wounds. But they are like PoG Kryptonite. Or it might have had something to do with New England owning LT2 and the Chargers again. When is LT gonna be the LT we all know? The answer? Not this week: The Green Bay D has made its case the first two weeks, and Lambeau Field is friendly territory - in both weather and in fans - to the Packers, not so much those classy boys from San Diego. Take note: The other team that has a bunch of back up RB's on its bench is campaigning for Mayor of Craptville. You cannot sit around waiting for others to die off in the FUFL. Good news though, there is an opening for Town Manager in Crapville. And you seem interested. We're calling this one: Rugs by 11.5 (Sorry Rugs, now you're fucked. OR ARE YOU???!!!!!).

The OG's caution you not to underestimate Mr. Snuzzles.

7. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Finally, a Surge that can show measurable results: A 52 point improvement between Week 1 and Week 2. A win over the OG's would catapult you in power rankings, but right now your total lineup points are too low, and you are the owner of the second highest DPSHT rating: 35%. Yowza. And if you lose to the OG's this week, well then Mr. Snuzzles is just the beginning of your worries. Kitna, even with divine intervention is showing his Kitna-itis (4 TD's 3 INT's), Colston is a ghost, and with the rest of your squad (except for Johnson and Parker) you never know what the hell will happen. Johnson did his best Steve Smith impression, pulling in two scores and would have been a frequent target in the Houston/Indy Texas Throwdown (NOTE: I want credit if ESPN uses that phrase, btw). We're pulling for you Commish - mostly because we like your falls from grace to be real gut punchers. If your team stays in the basement, then it's no fun for anyone. The most amazing stat? In 115 dreams, not one woman makes an appearance. Huh. Go Figure.

8. Die Nasty (CR) - Like pogo balls, slinkys, American Girl dolls, and pet rocks - some things never go out of style. In this case, good old fashioned winning out of spite. Picked by none to beat Cin City in Week 2, The Nasty managed to pull off the upset and make its case for consideration. But while my life is mostly full of upset, your FUFL season is a more predictable average of 105-112 pts and more losses than wins. That will be evident this week as the Plumbers clean your pipes so thoroughly you can see your reflection in your ass. I don't even know what that means, that's how clean it will be. There's a good chance for a shootout in Houston, but the rest of your production doesn't rise to the level of impressing anyone. Which oddly enough is exactly what that stripper said to me yesterday. Well, I think it was a stripper - I was at a kid's birthday party, and she was dressed as a clown, and did lots of juggling acts, and so I took my pants off. People seemed shocked, but I figured it was because someone invited a stripper to a child's birthday party! Won't someone please think of the children?

9. The Nancy Kerrigans (CL) - One more knee injury. One more. We fucking triple dog dare you pieces of shit. You know what? Fuck it. Sammy Morris is in. Fuck.

10. Orginal Gangstas (RM) - Yeah, you've taken the lion's share of digs in this week's power rankings, but look on the bright side, at least Rudi Johnson did some stuff in Week 2. So you've got that going for you. I think you are capable of taking down the Commish's team this week, but this McNabb/Philly thing you've got going is making everyone uncomfortable. It's like when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time and you had a bad falling out, but that was years ago. And also they're covered in poisonous cobras. You know, it's uncomfortable.