After three weeks we finally have stats that can technically be described as 'averages'. This week is more of the same: dead clowns, car accidents, and possible criminal endangerment of children. Plus Mike Tyson hits broadway, someone almost snaps Minnie Driver's neck, we tell a ghost story, and see the power of Jesus' forgiveness. Also, FUFL-related content - as filler mostly.
Update: The Nancy Kerrigans are now The Angel Lusters. Discuss.
1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Quick Quiz: which of these three are impossible to argue against: a 3-0 record, one of the lowest DPSHT's in the league, or a drunken clown lying on the street? The answer: all three.* Even with his opponent's best lineup, he still
would have been victorious. As the new leader in Rankings of Power, the Plumbers have shown that in the FUFL, they are more than capable of cleaning your pipe. However, before we go crowning the Plumbers just yet, let's keep in mind that opponents are averaging just 89 pts against him, the lowest in the league. He's also beaten the occupants of 5th, 9th, and 10th places. In two of those games, the Plumbers put up decent numbers (125+), but his next three games are coming up against teams whose losses average 116, 121 and 111. Not exactly pushovers. This week's matchup against Cin City will be one of the toughest yet, especially if Cedric Benson stays in your lineup. Keeping him in means you trust Brian Greise to resemble an effective quarterback to keep the defense honest. Look, I'm all for trust. But it's a two way street. One with flashing lights, a DO NOT ENTER--- BLASTING! signs, a bridge that's collapsed into a river of piranhas, and the road's all gravelly. But hey, how bad could it be?
*Trick question, the clown is dead in this scenario.
2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - Add Kevin Curtis to the list of players who require your gentle but firm servicing. Even a decent performance by Curtis wouldn't have been enough to win this game for you, but the 45 pt day overwhelmed your opponent and managed to outshine Curtis' fellow Iggle teammate, Brian Westbrook both on the field and in this FUFL matchup. This team is averaging over 130 pts per win, and losing opponents are putting up roughly 123 pts against him. This week, a big test against a top 3 team with Jones-Drew out of the lineup. We're predicting the manager will move Williams to the RB spot and put Darrell Jackson into the flex - then cross his fingers around each other twice. However, a good day for his "Usual Suspects" and he'll be bursting through this one like he was at a kid's roller hockey game.
By the way, don't be like Kool-Aid Guy. NEVER serve your own fluids to random children. Even in a glass.
3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - Bush stepped up as requested but Travis Henry stepped down. The Dogpound lost a close game to Cin City, but had both teams put in their optimal lineup, the Dogpound still would have lost. The Dogpound is averaging over 130 points per game - well above the 113 league average. But like the Plumbers, has not really faced the tough teams at this point. The quick pickup of Steven Jackson's replacement, Brian Leonard, seems like a good one. Keepin in mind that Leonard hasn't proved himself yet - so is it wise to start him just because he's a starter? Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis and Donald Driver are going against good defenses (Baltimore is questionable), but you've got an unknown against a Dallas D that is finally asserting itself and is playing at home. You regretted benching Driver earlier. Me? I regretted benching Minnie Driver. The sheer weight of her gigantic head almost broker her neck. It's like a bowling ball on top of a toothpick, I tell you.
4. Rugs on Valium (WG) - I know, I know. On a two game losing streak, while the Commish is clearly surging. But we're talking about strength of schedule here, and RoV has gone through three of the highest scoring teams in the league. And optimal lineup against optimal lineup, he would have won this week's game. We'll leave it to this week to let the 4 and 5 spots battle it out for supremacy themselves. And right now it doesn't even look close (the Commish has been known to pull things off before, but usually that happens in dark, silent corners of subway bathrooms). The key is to exploit the matchups in this game, which RoV looks to be doing. You could lose this week, but it would take a colossally bad performance to ruin this. We're talking something in the neighborhood of Mike Tyson performing the Vagina Monologues bad here. Man, I love Broadway.
5. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Two games in a row. Like an exotic dancer who doesn't understand I am not, under any circumstances buying her a drink, you just are trying to shove it in my face. This week's bye is proving troublesome, as Portis was just starting to get on a roll. Shaun McDonald in the flex spot is as much a mystery as the flex spot itself. He could be Kevin Curtis from week 3 or he could be Kevin Curtis. Slowly but surely, teams are breaking down Jon Kitna on film and realizing he's basically an older version of Rex Grossman, minus the sexual bravado. Lions receivers numbers will, like your dignity, continue to wither away over the course of time until people have forgotten they even existed. That's what I heard anyway.
Only 4 teams had a higher score in Week 3 than in Week 2.
In Weeks 1 and 3, Cin City had the exact same score - 127.70 (one win, one loss)
One manager's full name also spells: Rank Men in Cab
7. Cin City (BM) - How is a team this good on paper ranked 7th? We think that's gonna change this week and you'll give the Plumbers' their first loss. You have good matchups across the board, and last week was a good demonstration of what your team is capable of even if Manning has an off day (off day = not throwing for 70+ TD's in a quarter). Even in an optimal vs optimal lineup last week, Cin City would have taken out the Dogpound. Opponents are only averaging 89 points against the Plumbers, which speaks to the softness of the leader's schedule up to now. As for yours, your schedule doesn't get any easier until Week 7, but you could put up a nice win streak from then on. Week 5 will be tough with your bye situation and the fact that your other RB's are fighting off injuries. But we're pulling for you Cin City; in that 'we're-not-really-pulling-for-you' kind of way.
8. The Angel Lusters (CL) - Formerly The Nancy Kerrigans, this team has gone from worrying about the many knee problems of its roster to accepting its fate. While there were signs of life this week - all of it from Westbrook - this was probably just a case of angel lust before going into the dark quiet of FUFL oblivion. Which we guess is fine. We're so used to being at the bottom we know exactly how we like the basement set up; where the TV should go, how we like the chairs arranged, and which corner should be used as the bathroom and which should be the Corner of Unending Sadness. Of the bottom three teams, this is the only one putting up an average of over 100 pts per game (105), but the schedule for this team has been a murderer's row - with opponents putting up roughly122 pts per game. The Lusters have yet to put up 122 pts in a game this season. This week's matchup against the OG's looked better last week - but now with Westbrook looking iffy and Javon Walker's knee resembling a grapefruit, this win could be snatched away like Week 3's Kevin Curtis Explosion. Ed Note: If I happened upon Kevin Curtis burning in the street and had a hose primed with water, I would set up a sign next to him that said, "Car Wash and Burning Kevin Curtis - $4!" What can I say, I'm just a natural aunt-re-prenoor or whatever you call it. I'm a businessman, not a fucking frog.
9. Original Gangstas (RM) - After the upset of the Pile(d) on Guys, we thought we might see something special happen to the OG's this season. McNabb is certainly paying off, but the rest of your starters are not exactly reliable. Johnson's injury might prove fatal this week, with Watson ready to run in his stead. You might find solace in the fact that you've faced three of the toughest teams in the FUFL, but does that change a thing? It's like that story in the bible about when Jesus, tired and thirsty, happened upon a goat herder whom he asked for some spare milk. The herder explained to Jesus that he would like to give him some, but had barely enough for his wife and infant sons. Jesus looked at the man, and then touched his goat. Immediately the goat swelled with milk and exploded. One by one the entire herd exploded and all of the milk seeped into the ground. Jesus then laid his hand on the herder and said "I forgive you, brother" and then melted his brain. So you see - the herder lost all his milk, but it didn't make a difference because his brain got melted. I think my point is clear. Wanna know something else? In Week 2 you put up 102.70 and this past week you put up 107.20. That's totally spooky; like a ghost story - but of numbers.
10. Die Nasty (CR) - You know what 92 is? It is a depressing age. It is BAC on Saturday nights. It is the number of Devil Dogs Kirstie Alley keeps in her pockets. It is not however, an acceptable average score for the FUFL. How this team is even 1-2 is an unknown. It doesn't bode well that you've been leaving needed points on the bench - and even in that case it's not enough. Along with the OG's Die Nasty has yet to crack the 300 pt mark on the season totals (278) and remains a full 20 pts below league scoring average, and its average loss is 20 pts below the league losing average (104). It reminds me of a phrase that a crazy drifter once told me. Well technically he threw up all over my back, but I think I learned something that day. Anyway, the bad news is that you're at the bottom now. The good news is you are in a great position to fix up the basement for me anticipating my arrival. Please make sure the pillows are properly fluffed up, and that my collection of Highlights for Children is on the coffee table. That Goofus always makes so much trouble for Gallant!
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