Oh FUFL, I have missed you the way I miss the mystery guy in my office building who pisses anywhere but into the urinal. Like him, you remain a mystery to me, you torment me when you are around, but after a prolonged absence, I can't wait for your return - if only for another crack and catching you and rubbing your face in the mess you made. I've been thinking, FUFL, that you deserve the best when it comes to mocking your draft, something signaling the auspicious/tedious event that an online draft is. So I called in every favor, got on my knees and begged everyone I could who would listen, and got what this draft needed: the celebrity cache it richly deserves with none other than John Mayer. (Ed Note: If you wonder what kind of insight John Mayer can provide, keep in mind this multiple-Grammy award winning artist has seen more early 20's ass than every college kid with a dorm room ethernet connection combined. Plus he sang to me in that manly Kathleen Turner voice of his. My heart melted!)
The Convicks (MW)
There are registered sex offenders who have made fewer moves than this team did in 2006. The whopping total of 54 was more than than teams 2,3, and 4 combined. But this translated into success, as they ended on a 6 game win streak and a Championship. Last year's draft caught two of the sleeper RB picks (Chester Taylor is now just sleeping), and Tom Brady, who impregnated his offense with... uhh, pregnancy I guess. Two reliable veterans in Torry Holt and Donald Driver put up crazy season numbers. Also worth noting? The top 3 point producers on this team: 1. Frank Gore, 2. Tom Brady, 3. Baltimore D. Think about that. So why will this team threaten a repeat? Simply because we need them to. That's right. All of the money this manager spends on strategy guides, all of the little things he should be doing around the house gone undone, all of the hours of work siphoned off into this league: in the end it results in victory (2006) or near victory (2005, 2004). The formula of ignoring your daily, familial, marital, and hygenic duties and spending time on the internet can earn you money and victory. His strategy validates our sloth. And in our own way - particularly with our middle fingers - we salute you. And so this year will be no different, as a crafty draft looms for the Convicks. Unless they draft 7th. Then all hope is lost. John Mayer says:
"John Mayer likey"
Douchebag Jones (CJ)
Some call him the commissioner, some call him a douchebag, and some call him 'that kid who cries when he dances' But we should just call him what he is: angry, determined, and bent on winning fueld by unbridled spite. He claims little pleasure in this league, which takes him away from his other dual pursuits of reading Harry Potter books and drawing pictures of a chesty Hermoine servicing a stick figure with a similar hairline and eyewear. This year the Commish will wage the same war with a smarter draft, hopefully avoiding busts like Andre Johnson and Ahman Green, and staying away from injury prone measts like Alexander. His strategy this year will rely less on his managerial skills and more on detailing the seriousness and graveness of his family's recent health scare, juxtaposed with the newborn life that has made him an Uncle, all in hopes of creating enough of an emotional rollercoaster for opponents so they fail to adjust for bye weeks. This team has had decent draft spots in the past few years, so it will be interesting to see how he responds to a more difficult position. Besides outright weeping of course. That shit is standard. Let's get John Mayer's thoughts:
John Mayer "understands your smoldering attitude
keeps you both competitive and celibate."
Kool-Aid Maroney (DP)
This team threatened to repeat in 2005, but last year - even with all of the cheating - only managed a 6th place finish. With a top score of only 129, this team is going to need some serious firepower from the draft, and expect the manager to make some aggressive moves that would make even the date-rapiest of frat boys blush. This manager has a gift for staying in the thick of things, but we'll see if he can overcome the FUFL's marraige penalty. What penalty you ask? The league marriage penalty tends to be that after you get married, your team suffers. Sure, it's great in the beginning, but after awhile your team wonders why you are hanging out with your friends instead of paying attention to them, and the next thing you know they're not cooperating anymore, and BAM you get in more trouble for checking out the supple running back of another team. You eventually come around and understand you've got to grow up and you made the right choice in the first place, but it's a transition year to say the least. Let's see what John Mayer thinks:
John Mayer is excited for you, but his collar is popped,
signifying both you and he are douchebags.
Stop Nagging Me Now (MS)
This team was at times unstoppable and at times a doormat. It had 5 games over 130 pts, and a season low of 69. When it won, it usually won decisively - a result of great performances by Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, and Marvelous Marvin Harrison. But the lows were just as spectacular, showing flashes of the 2005 season when it couldn't win no matter what they tried. SNMN's draft prowress is hard to figure out, but with the right combination of sleepers and studs, we expect another season of big wins from this team. In a related note, with the right combination of sleeping pills and studs, you can expect awkward conversations with law enforcement. What's John Mayer think?
Agreeing that your team isn't always what it seems,
John Mayer says, "Sometimes, I look like transvestite."
Die Nasty (CR)
This name makes me tremble! A pun on the word dynasty, signifying a tradition of excellence in the FUFL, but composed of two hardcore words that elicit feelings of fright and contempt! We tremble at your take on words! I shat myself twice just typing that! Perhaps THE question of the draft is will this manager have Larry Johnson again? The past two years LJ has ended up on this roster, saving your lily-white ass. Without LJ there to carry the load, who will do it? It seems to be the plan again, as we have received a sneak peak of Die Nasty's draft plan, round by round --- and let's just say we're not trembling anymore:
prescription for success of "Winning a few Grammys and
banging a 19 year old every other Tuesday."
So, in a word, you're fucked.
Tomorrow: YOU'VE SEEN THE BEST, NOW MEET THE REST!
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