Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I Learned it From Watching You

I've always admired soccer hooligans for their passion, commitment and ability to sing team's fight songs while withstanding multiple tear-gassings by law enforcement. I've wondered where this kind of behavior comes from and where responsibility lies. Well I think we finally have the culprit: the ever-lethal mix of soccer players and karaoke:

Liverpool striker Craig Bellamy added a new twist to the problem of soccer violence last week when he attacked a teammate. The Wales forward allegedly hit John Arne Riise in the legs with a golf club while Liverpool was in Portugal at a training camp preparing for a Champions League match against defending champion FC Barcelona.

Bellamy now faces a fine of $155,000 and an uncertain future with the 18-time English league champions.

If teammates whacking each other with golf clubs after a night out isn't absurd enough, consider the reason for the fight -- they were arguing about a karaoke competition.

They were probably arguing over who was gonna do the horn part of Sweet Caroline ("Dah Dah Dah!!!") . The purist in me says leave it out completely because it's not even in the song, but then there's that other part of me that just wants to belt out every sweet note Neil Diamond ever wrote. I think that's the same part of me that says it's OK for dudes to really like Prince.

The image “http://www.billbellamy.com/images/bb040.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
No, not me - a different Bellamy. I assault people's minds with my humor.
Wanna talk about how white people and black people are humorously different?
Why are you punching me?
You know what, keep punching, I miss the attention.

Either way, what we have here is a free swinger who's definitely in the wrong sport. Change "Portugal at a training camp" to Vegas Strip Club and "preparing for a Champions League match against defending champion FC Barcelona" to Partying with Pac Man Jones , and you can see this is NFL class assault - deranged, creative, and wildly awesome.

Note: What the fuck happened to Bill Bellamy? And how do we spread it to others? Let's take his blankets and give them out to Tara Reid, Paris, Britney, and Carrot Top in hopes they too pass into the netherworlds. Christopher Columbus would be proud.

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