Friday, February 16, 2007

Gambling with Dice

A prediction: At the end of the season this guy will have better overall pitching stats than this guy. The reason is very simple. Guy number one (Hideki Okajima) carries his own luggage and is driving around in what appears to be either the emasculating Pontiac Vibe, nerdy Toyota Matrix, or my parents' minivan. These are the actions of someone who is forced to earn his place and respect on the team. He has got something to prove.

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This car does not prove much other than a startling lack of dignity

Guy Number two (Daisuke Matsuzaka, Dice-K*), drives an Escalade, and the team pays for a personal masseuse, physical therapist, an assistant, a translator, a fly pad for him and his wife, his transportation, and they'll foot the bill on 80-90 flights to and from Japan every year. In addition, Johnny Pesky has to feed him grapes on the bench and he won't have to buy drinks for Hazel Mae when she dances for him.

If Dice-WTF is less than perfect for even one inning, he'll hear it from the press and from the fans immediately. Picture him in his free apartment looking over the city skyline as a nubile assistant rubs oil on him while Johnny Pesky picks the seeds from grapes. Then imagine him wincing at the stinging commentary on how overpaid and over-accommodated he is after he loses his first game. Granted, he won't actually hear about it because his translator will surely change it to something like, "Would you like another happy ending from personal masseuse?" That shit gets me every time.
To be fair, Dice-WTF does carry his own bags.** And also that Nike one.

The point is, Dice-WTF cannot exceed expectations, let alone live up to them. Guy Number two can hit a guy in the face and half of Boston will high five at the improvement in his control. And that it was a Yankee.

*If this name is allowed to stand, I am gonna punch everyone.

**Two moobs references in two days? No, you're mailing it in. No YOU are.

1 comment:

graham said...

If it's any consolation, I'm pretty sure it's in Hideki's contract that he gets a pole dance once a month from Tina Cervasio. Ugh.

Also, Keith Foulke retired. He will forever be remembered for withstanding the death grip of Jason Varitek's trashcan thighs (TCT) after game 4 of The Season. Thanks again, Foulkie.