Oh God, It's Contagious

You know how I celebrate an inside the park home run? You guessed it: fighting off sexy assassins with my smoldering eyes and expensive french champagne while saving struggling democracies from evildoers. But that looks like an afternoon with an easy bake oven compared to Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. No, after a inside roundtrippa, that hard ass muthafucka starts a blog, son.

Ummm. Yeah.

I have mentioned before that I am a fan of Schilling's blog, 38 pitches. But somehow, Youk's writing style lacks Schill's in depth pitch-by-pitch analysis, and the kind of historical persepctive gained by 19 or 20 years in the bigs. Youk leans more towards the banal 'dude, that chick is hot' dialect.

Dustin Pedroia, pictured here below, thinks he’s faster than me but I think we put that to rest last night with the inside-the-park home run, too. He’s just not as fast as me.

He hyperlinks to his own team! To other player's names! 38pitches is one thing, but this might be too much. Sadly, it's not as core as Carl Pavano's blog, but at least it's not Manny's blog (which I secretly suspect is this one).

LolManny

Let me say here and now, I am a Kevin Youkilis fan. Ever since I met him at a Volkswagen dealership in Westborough, MA and he signed a photo for my sister in Ethiopia, I've been a fan. I will reserve further judgment for now, and let him find his legs. He may have a lot to offer the blogging world. As a friend recently said, "I'd like to see him opine on God, GOP politics, and Curt Schilling's grit....and his beard. I want to know EVERYTHING about that man's beard."

The best part about the whole experience? He actually asked
how to spell, 'Liz.' Not Ethiopia... No... 'Liz'.

Ed Note: Suggested blog name? KEEEEVVVIIIINNNNN!!!

* Unless he's doing a lot of roids. I'm no doctor, but it's medical fact he's got a raging case of roid-beard.

Brief Playoff Updates

Basketball: I hate watching basketball. It's a bunch of dudes who seem incapable of staying on their feet against even the slightest wind (cheerleader fart?), but outside of the game try and claim street cred as a tough and thugged out playa. Please. Stop. Trying. To. Draw. Fouls. If you all were really that incapable of staying upright, then there should constantly be YouTube's of pro NBA athletes getting knocked around on busy sidewalks, writhing on the ground. This would be awesome by the way.

For that reason alone I don't watch basketball at all, much less the playoffs. But I can bet they looked something like this:



Hockey: what's a hockey?

I like to think this goes against the conventional wisdom of a clock in sports making a game more exciting or fun to watch. Baseball - no clock, Golf - no clock. And football gives the finger to the clock by having one, and then making 15 minutes last for an hour. Eff you time. Eff you right in the A.

Great Moments in Air Guitar Sportscasting

I thought of not posting this video because I object to the very existence of NESN. But I am a student of dance, of culture, and of course potential injury.

I'm Gonna Hit That Flex Spot, Baby

So Devin "100 Speed" Hester is going to switch to offense for the Chicago Bears next season. When reached for comment, several NFC defenses shat themselves en masse. ESPN has the story:

"I think Devin Hester is one of the most exciting players in the NFL with his hands on the football," Smith said. "I think he would be an excellent defensive back also. We just feel that this is in the best interest of us and him for him to achieve his full potential as a football player."

The Bears plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season. Hester will work with the wide receivers at minicamp and will also line up in the backfield at times.

"It's going to be a great experience," Hester said. "I'm just going to go over there and try to give a little spark to the offense. There will be more opportunities to make big plays and I think it's a great idea."

Smith said he is anxious to see what Hester's best fit will be. In the early going, Smith said Hester could be valuable as a running back, slot receiver or even as a single receiver in their two-tight end, two-running back packages.

Holy Crap. This is the ultimate flex player for any fantasy team this season. A WR/RB who may even still return kicks. I think I need to change my pants. I think I need to change your pants. I have said in the past I would consider drafting a kicker in the first or second round this year, based on the fact that (I drink a lot?) many of them eventually rack up more fantasy points than some 2nd tier RB's, but now.... Hester is a legitimate 3rd round gamble that could seriously pay off. And not like a 'Remember when the Redskins used Chris Cooley as a TE/RB?' thing. That designation alone saved my season two years ago. Then they moved him to just TE, and he defecated all over my team for 8 weeks.

When shown a preview of Devin Hester's backside,
NFC defenses asked, "There's a frontside?"

The best part is, Hester is going to have a running start going at the endzone from now on, with fewer players in front of him. He'll be unstoppable. But then again, it's the NFC - a bunch of fuzzy bunnies released from their cages will still put up 17 against teams like Minnesota and Detroit.

All in all, this whole scenario reminds me of the time I had to oil wrestle all of those sexy, chesty supermodels nonstop for 3 days in order to save the world with my chiseled abs. Why am I reminded of that? Because I haven't stopped thinking about anything else since. You could throw a baby panda off of a rooftop and it would still stir happy recollections of those fateful 72 hours. I don't mean to brag here, but I am a god among men.

Dancing is a Sport

Holy mother of... wait, did that little tyke just do a full backflip? That's pure raw talent right there, that's what that is. When I get kicked in the face, I usually cry and piss myself*. This kid does a backflip. Show off.




*Or did I get kicked in the face when I was already crying and had pissed myself? Either way, those ladies outside that Ann Taylor Loft had no reason to pepper spray me a second time. I was gonna give them their purses back, I swear.

Ed Note: Yes, this site has gone video heavy the last few days. Maybe football will magically come back months earlier. Or maybe you will just become as accustomed to my sloth as I have.

These Are Indeed Strange Times

Brett Favre throws a tantrum and demands a trade, while T.O. shows up to minicamp, works his ass off, and then says to reporters, "I have nothing to talk about."

Ummm, clearly I've eaten some rancid meat or something, so I'm just gonna sit here and stab my leg until things go back to normal.

Why Goalies Never Get Chicks

Update: IT NEVER GETS OLD.

NFL Draft Analysis: Oakland Raiders

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and stats-obsessed MW offers his reaction to the Raiders draft. His words below:

So who do you select for the team that needs everything? Well, why not start with the franchise quarterback. I think the Raiders did the right thing in selecting JaMarcus Russell, even though the can't miss prospect was Calvin Johnson. Enough with the ninny WRs, let's get some big dogs in with some bark. Russell is a baller and always has been, and I think he will help bring the franchise back to respectability.

As far as the remainder of the draft is concerned, I am somewhat discouraged and think that Al Davis must select players solely based on 40 [yard dash] times. He's obsessed with speed. Johnnie Lee Higgins and John Bowie were the fastest guys available in Rounds 3 and 4, respectively, so he drafted them. That Bowie pick was awful. Kiper had him rated as about the 900th best player in this year's class. But it wouldn't be a Raider draft if a WR and a CB was not selected, regardless of need.

Al Davis is obsessed with speed alright.
Let's be honest: Keanu Reeves' acting is like crack,
only stronger and filled with steeley handsomeness.
No you're gay. No YOU are.

I love the Michael Bush pick. I think he pays huge dividends in 2008, as we see Rhodes and Jordan battle for their careers in 2007. Pre-injury, Michael Bush was a no-brainer 1st Round talent. As long as his leg heals properly, and the Raiders ease him back into the game, he should have a fine career starting in '08. Not sure what they were thinking taking the TE in the 2nd Round, though.

That questionable pick in such pricey territory lends to an overall grade of a B-.

Ed Note: You may wonder what I've been doing the last few days, and why I'm getting other people to write for this site. All I can say is, if you were as lazy as I am, you would too.

NFL Draft Analysis: Pittsburgh Steelers

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and Jim-Steele-impersonator CJ offers his reaction to the Steelers draft. His words below:

Date: Tue, 1 May 2007 13:35:19
From: CJ
To: Editor, Your Fantasy Team Sucks
Subject: RE: The French

mixed reaction to steelers draft. the TE pick is odd and folks wanted Tony Hunt there. I think it's a decent, safe draft.

Steelers Draft Fever: Catch it!

Well there you have it. A die-hard Steelers fan sends his insightful, creative, and well thought-out draft reaction. Bravo, Steelers fan. Bravo. Looking forward to this kind of enthusiasm all season.

Readers might wonder if CJ is already waving the white flag by writing this under the subject line "Re: the French". And reader CJ might have a legitimate argument that his response was taken entirely out of context. Might, might, might, might. According to my new parole officer, we (I) don't live in a world of mights anymore. We live in a world where I definitely assaulted that mime.

NFL Draft Analysis: Green Bay Packers

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and competitive-mustache-grower BM offers his reaction to the Packers draft. His words below:

Your offensive line is MAULING their defensive line. You survived a first half in which you had three STUPID turnovers, and you’re marching down the field, and dominating. Run left for 16. Run up the middle for 9. Short pass for 11, to keep them honest. Run left for 10, down to the 1.

Flashback to the first half, you ran a slant inside the five which your aging gunslinger QB impaled his WR in double coverage for a TD.

First and goal from the one. The previous three running plays just netted you 35 yards. So what do you do, hotshot? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!!?!?

Slant right to Driver, intercepted and returned 76 yards.

There you have it ladies and germs, how the Green Bay Packers kept themselves out of the playoffs last year. They dominated the Bills, McGahee got injured in the first quarter, and Losman was having a dreadful day (sound familiar Bills fans?) against the Pack’s decimated secondary before a blown coverage saw Hollywood Lee get behind them for six to take a 17-10 lead in the fourth. But this drive was our answer, and then, it was over; the season looked hopeless. Classic case of a rookie coach looking lost out there.

And when things dropped to 4-8, your only chance is to look forward to getting a giant JOHNSON in the draft, and then they went ahead and fucked that up to, winning four in a row, and ending up picking 16^th. However, strangely enough, this young team showed some serious improvement those last 4 weeks, leaving you with at least some hope. A strong draft and who knows what could happen.

So what did we need? ACHHHHHHMAN left us high and dry, but he’s sort of running like an AT-AT these days, and Vernand Morency looked a lot more dangerous and is only pushing 25. But he can’t seem to stay healthy. Bubba supported our troops so fervently last year that he actually donated his hands to someone who lost his looking for IEDs. It would be nice to have a receiving corps that didn’t have to rely on Rod Gardner in the last two years because they’ve been about as durable as Sam Jackson in “Unbreakable.” On the other side of the ball, what can you possibly say about Marquand Manuel that rigor mortis can’t be used to describe.

A YFTS Exclusive: Ahman Green's latest X-Ray. Enjoy, Texans

So at pick 12, Marshawn “I do rape” Lynch gets drafted. While I’ve never necessarily agreed with his preferred method of achieving climax, I do like the way he hits the hole hard. But I do rejoice for all the fat women in Green Bay who are now a little safer, and the consolation is we can still give Mr. Favre (I respect my elders) a valuable weapon either at receiver (Robert Meachum looks niiiiiiiiiice) or at tight end (Ben Olson’s got jets, and more importantly, hands to go with them).

So Goo Goo-dell steps to the podium and tells me they just picked Justin Harrell?!?!?!?!? WHO?!?!?!??!?! So let me get this straight. EVERYONE knows you need help on OFFENSE for a change, and you go DEFENSE?!?!?! What the fuck!!!!!!! Look, I can see why we wouldn’t want to bring back a White End after Chewy started crashing prom parties, but could we PLEASE get SOMEBODY on offense that can stay healthy besides Favre and Driver? Fortunately, now we have the most depth in the league at defensive tackle, coming in at a Baker’s Dozen. Oh yeah, and he has the injury proclivity to fit in with our receiving corps.

But here's the thing. Everybody says how great a GM Ron Wolf was, but he was very mediocre in the first round. Remember Jamal Reynolds? Antuan Edwards? John Michels? Of course you don't, but I sure as hell do. Ted Thompson from 2000-2004 with Seattle took Alexander, Koren (out of jail finally, sipping his dry martini's on I-43 south, around Sheboygan probably), Steve Hutchinson, Jerramy Stevens, and The Marcuses (Trufant and Tubbs). All of them, save Koren, were starters on the Super Bowl XL team.

Seattle 's starting DT also fights crime.

But therein lies the problem with evaluating any Packers draft as a fan…..every one of us wants to see Favre get back to the Super Bowl. We inherently believe there has to be an Elway-esque ending for him, if only because his legendary curtain call began AGAINST us in a game we were favored to win by two touchdowns. This is like 10 years of trauma here; the NFL owes him another ring. But now we’ve got all this cap space, and no fucking Moss to throw to, and I’m feeling like Teddy KGB, “Veeeeeeeery Unsyateeeeesfyed.” But if A-Rodg pans out – more like if Brett ever allows us to find out if A-Rodg pans out – we could be dangerous in a few years. There’s the rub (Marshawn, take notes).

Overall: C

NFL Draft Recap: Patriots Add Depth at CrazyPants

Let the "A Rolling Stone gathers Moss" puns start...... Now.

Have you ever wanted to do something once but couldn't? And then you waited a year for your next chance, and as if by magic the same situation presented itself - only this time you could in fact draft Randy Moss and get San Francisco's (likely high) first round pick in the next NFL draft? No? Well then you can go back to your boring ass life right the fuck now.

So the Pats got Moss. Normally, I am wary of Len Pasquarelli over at ESPN.com, but because he's writing what I want to hear, I agree with his article on the Pat's newest acquisition:

On Sunday morning, the NFL's master chemist, Bill Belichick of New England, decided to add perhaps the most combustible element in the league to a Patriots locker room where the chemistry is one of near-perfect balance. But lest explosive yet enigmatic wide receiver Randy Moss be misled into believing he will mess with the equilibrium created by Belichick, personnel chief Scott Pioli, owner Bob Kraft and the band of veteran leaders they have assembled, the five-time Pro Bowl player should be forewarned.

I am crazy. Like, real authentic bat-shit crazy.

Dude wants rings. And he'll shut his trap to get them. If he doesn't act right, he's got Rodney Harrison, Tedy Bruschi, Tom Brady, and a shitload of other vets who will knock him into shape very quickly. And may I take a moment to prempt those who point to the way T.O. poisoned the Eagles - it's worth noting that the only spine in the entire Philly locker room then was floating in McNabb's Chunky Soup.

As for the dude who was actually drafted, Brandon Meriweather, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Granted, he stepped on a player during a brawl and has since fired a handgun in a dorm, but he's from the University of Miami - a place where grades and academics are routinely put before sports and competition. So at least he's got a good head on his shoulders, and that's what counts.

Random note: the Pats also drafted an RB named Justise (Not a misspelling, at least not mine). Add him to Tom "The American Way" Brady, and all we'd need to do is draft Paul "The Truth" Pierce for the trifecta. New England is the heart and soul of America, bitches. Captain America himself is gonna have to move to Natick if this keeps up.

Prediction: The Pats are going to win the Superbowl. Suck it.
Fantasy Prediction: Tom Brady now worth a first round draft pick. Suck it harder this time.

Body Building is a Sport

You know my definition of sports: if it's got a 'bloopers' reel and there is no Tom Bergeron or Dave Coulier narration, it's probably a sport.

Image from Full House Bloopers*

So here I give you Body Building bloopers. At first I thought the 'blooper' was the part where the weights fall on people, the kid falls through the floor, or a guy gets his nuts bitten by a cat. Then I figured the 'blooper' is that while these men spend time lifting dead weight, their wives and daughters make out with a a real man who doesn't bore them with silly talk about delts and pecs (I tell them the story of my abs instead).



But actually, a blooper is when you get a BJ on the toilet*. Which doesn't even occur in this video. So I think we can conclude that this video is terribly mislabeled.

Oh God, I do not want to see Full House Bloopers now.

Travel Day Observation

Your jetsetting editor touched down in New Orleans for what promises to be a crazy night of booze, women, mayhem, and incalculable gambling losses at Harrahs sitting in his hotel watching the Sox-Jays game on Yahoo GameChannel.

Upon my arrival here and seeking distractions from my insane cabbie and his increasingly questionable driving decisions, I noticed two things - first, the pawnshops have more business at any given time than the gas stations; and second, the the New Orleans Saints practice facility/HQ is right next to a Budweiser warehouse. Well played Saints, well played indeed.

Also the Super Dome looks like shit. They should change the name from the Super Dome to the The Super Depressing Cylinder That Even Rats Won't Shit in Anymore*. Seriously, you could mount the heads of puppies on stakes around the perimeter of the building and it would double the amount of happiness one gets from looking at it.



*Why don't I ever win building-naming contests?

Curt Schilling Crushes Robert Frost

I like reading 38 pitches. And in order to give myself a reason to read it word for word, while simultaneously mocking a yankee fan who demands Schilling's blog be unmasked for what it is (Ed Note: uhhhh awesome?), I've decided to show you the poetry within his posts. These phrases are lifted from the most recent post and beyond editing punctuation, remain in the order they were written. These 'poems' are designed to let hidden truths and profounditry* float to the surface. They are also designed to make Dan Shaughnessy's head explode like a Peep in the microwave.

Fact: Dan Shaughnessy's brain is purple, gooey, and looks extremely delicious.

Awareness for the Shade

I remember watching on different occasions.
What he did was touching.
Our opener was one of those times,
The two best splits of the day - top to bottom.
The angels have another power, a back door.

Count as early and often as possible, (down and off the outer half,
knuckling a little bit).

I have no idea when he came here.
We get more breathing room (once again he wins).
This time around I know numbers would take care of reasons.

Weather: wise. But it’s not fun to watch.

I’ll grab the next few days.

*I know it's not a word - it's called poetic license, and it's not limited just to the poem itself. It is? You sure? Well aren't you just Emily Fucking Dickinson. I'm totally gonna kill that kid who made me this fake poetic license. The picture doesn't even look like me!

People in Africa Are Bored

Today marks another chapter in the eternal struggle of man vs. beast - which at present count is totally in man's favor (how many species have animals forced into extinction? None? Pathetic symbiotic douches). In Hartebeesport, Africa (I did not make that up), a really fast guy named Brian raced a 2 and half year old Cheetah. Because they were racing side by side, they distracted the wild cat by waving a hunk of lamb in front of her. Think about that for a second. They taunted a cat of prey with meat before lining her up next to some available (if not lean) prey. That's like someone dangling a rotisserie chicken in front of Kirstie Alley before she gets behind you in the buffet line. Only with fewer shouts of Stuffanudder Beefy in Mama Mouf! Mmmm I tasty all of dem! You look like appetizer to me small man! MMMMMMM!!! while bones and jello are spit everywhere.

Cheetahs may be able to run fast, but I'm still not eating their creepy yellow snacks.

The result? Well, I thought the result would be something for Big Daddy Drew's Kill Kill Kill tag, but I was wrong. The Cheetah decided to humiliate the guy by beating him twice and then not eating him. For the record, if I was bested in anything by even a distant relative of Garfield, I'd wanna be consumed on the spot out of principle, you know? And for those of you who say Garfield isn't real, I say look at the funny pages. He's right there, isn't he? Oh how he tortures that adorable Odie!

Matt Cassell Is Gonna Be A Star

I was asked recently to rip Curt Schilling a new one about how arrogant his blog is or else I would lose 'credibility'. This was coming from the worldwide arbiter of credibility, mind you - he's got the mug in his office to prove it. It's next to his Clean Hands & Face Award, and a sticker that says "I Voted!". That's not the kind of shit they give out for free, people.

But I'm not willing to mock His Curtness. He hasn't done anything worth jeering in my opinion. Except bring an elusive championship back to a storied franchise at the expense of the hated Yankees, of course. When the time comes, I'll be the first to demand he be put in his place - a little town called Cooperstown, NY seems about right. So we'll work our way up slowly, from the bottom. Instead of mocking one of the best pitchers to ever grace the game, we'll look at a second string quarterback. Via With Leather, I present the musical gifts and groovy moves of Pats Backup QB Matt Cassell:

There's a reason that Matt Cassell also spells "Smallest Act."

Did I mention he's a good dancer? I wonder why not.

I'm guessing this is the song that he uses to get pumped up before every game. Personally, I don't need any music to get ready for anything, much less a sporting event. It's probably because I embody all that is sport and possess competitive fire*. But also it's because I can't hear anything over all the loud screaming voices that constantly follow me wherever I go. I used to think I was crazy, but it turns out it's just a wild pack of sex-crazed supermodels who follow me around 24/7 begging for me to acknowledge their romantic pleas. Yup, again.

*Is a race to burn down the most houses considered competitive fire? No? What if it's timed? Fuck.

Shady Ladies

If you've got time to kill (and if you're reading this, you do), I strongly urge you to wander over to Kissing Suzy Kolber, where you can see what happens when women are not seen, but heard. The women of Ladies... took over KSK because they won a bet (stupid NCAA) where the winner won posting privileges to the loser's site for a day.

Half of the comments are KSK readers giving them props for their witty ways, while the other half is those same guys awkwardly hitting on those theiving harlots. Just sad. I don't know what makes me immune to their siren song. Maybe it's my tantric sex awards, maybe it's my baby panda rescue service, or it could just be my volunteer work for chiseled abs anonymous. I don't know. I mean, I'm like the rest of these guys, I'm not a superhero or anything. Well at least not anymore. I gave up my powers for true love.

MLB Enforces its Blue Laws

LATE UPDATE: Go Here & Save Pesky.

Last month, the Boston Globe reported that Johnny Pesky - as much a fixture in the Red Sox home dugout as chaw-clogged cleats, a river of gatorade backwash, and saliva-drenched sunflower seeds - will no longer be allowed to remain in the dugout, thanks to MLB's decision to enforce a rule pertaining to limits on uniformed personnel in the dugout (take THAT elderly WWII veterans!). To be honest, I figured the Sox would work around this - make him a groundskeeper or something. No dice.

"We've been breaking the rule all along," Sox general manager Theo Epstein said yesterday, "and they told us they were going to strictly enforce it -- heavy fines that progressively get heavier every day he's in the dugout."

Official Logo of the Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund
Join the JPLDF today - F MLB in the A!!!

Like that creepy dude in my neighborhood, see if you can follow me on this one: There's approximately 72 home games left, all basically sold out, and Fenway capacity's hovers around 38,805. Would you pay an extra quarter per ticket to let Pesky sit in the dugout? I sure as hell would. While Sox tickets continue to rocket skyward, at least I would know where the money goes as I sit in my obstructed view seat. At a quarter per ticket, you would generate roughly 10K per game. For the season, that's 720K for Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund. Or maybe you could just add that quarter onto the price of beer, and that generate approx $43.25 (no one can afford the beer at Fenway). Finally, corporate america/Dunkin Donuts could join in and put a quarter onto its beverages for one day for the JPLDF - either in place of the aforementioned possibilities or in addition to them.

I can think of no more rewarding feeling than handing over a fine to MLB at the end of each home game. Every home stand would have a new way of proudly paying up - delivering an oversized check, a formal presentation at the first pitch, or just have fans throw rolls of quarters onto the field at the end of the game (instead of during A-Rod's at bats like usual). It would make every game feel like a win. Plus, who is Ortiz gonna hug after he jacks a homerun? If Pesky's absence causes a Papi hitting slump, paying the fine would be considered an investment.

The point is, we don't care if Pesky held the ball, we're holding onto him.

ESPWN3D, Vol II

Last week, when Shrutebag took down The Big Lead, it was cool to see the online sports community rally around one of their own. As the Big Lead says themselves:

A week ago, were just another sports blog with some bandwidth and a voice; now we’ve got lawyers pressing us to file a lawsuit and readers urging us to take this to the FCC. Wild stuff.

What's wrong with this picture? You guessed it. No Angie "The Hotness" Harmon.
Unless... she's Batman. Of Course! It all makes sense!

Much like balancing my checkbook and wearing clean underpants, I find this whole thing fascinating and at the same time incomprehensible. They link to a sports law blog (seriously) which I find even more compelling and mysterious.

One last point on framing the appropriate analogue: Much depends on how the DNS attack was carried out. Was it in fact the lawful act of many Cowherd listeners accessing the site at once? Or was it done by a small number of individuals using computer programs to constantly reload the site (apparently as often as once per second)? If the latter, it begins to look more like so-called "cyber-vandalism" and less like a large number of people lawfully accessing the site.

Check it out, it's fun to read and try and make sense of. I'll admit, I got lost at "analogue" - which is either a word they made up, or a description of poo. I don't know which, but those are the only two options.

Tom Brady is an African Champion

Tom Brady spent eight days traveling Uganda and Ghana as part of his involvement with the One Campaign - or what I like to call the Seriously? We're going to try white rubbery bracelets now? Because Bono said so? Fuck this. Campaign

At first I thought Brady might be there to publicly apologize/take credit for the population explosion in Africa, or that it was a trip for Gisele to do some diet research, but the article goes on to say that "Tom is a True Champion for Africa... [He] has been a leader in spreading awareness about the issues of African poverty and disease." which I have to admit is 100% true. Going back over the years, looking at quotes, it's harder to find a quote where he's not discussing geopolitical instability, famine relief, crushing poverty, the rampant AIDS pandemic and debt forgiveness. For example:

"My sisters like cooking at my place. It has a bit more room, and the food tastes a little bit better. A big pot of spaghetti and sauce, some warm French bread - works all the time. I think I've been eating pasta for 26 years."

"When you hang with a bunch of 300-pound linemen, you tend to find the places that are the greasiest and serve the most food."

"I don't care about three years ago, ... I don't care about two years ago. I don't care about last year. The only thing I care about is this week."

Great. Now this little boy is pregnant.

Ok. Maybe those were bad examples. Maybe he's never signaled the slightest interest in the world outside of Gilette Stadium. If a fleeting interest in Africa qualifies Tom Brady as a national leader on the issue, then I anxiously await my Presidential Medal of Honor for adult website surfing at work.

Though the One Campaign is a little less than honest about Brady's experience, Brady himself was more frank:

"This was my first trip to Africa and it was an eye-opener," said Brady. "I saw the best and brightest of the human spirit in the face of incredible poverty that most of us just can't comprehend. I've learned that we as Americans, living in the greatest country in the world, can save innocent lives ravaged by AIDS with something as small as a 25 cent pill. When you see what CAN be done, it's impossible to not be driven to do more -- the needs are still overwhelming. This won't be my last visit to Africa and I hope to pass along what I've learned here to others who will listen."

He then added, "Mostly by sperm.I will pass along what I've learned through lots and lots of sperm."

In the end, what have we learned? I like to think it's that even the most famous and wealthy people in the world have hearts and are willing to push their own envelopes to do good for others. Or maybe it's that the crises in Africa are so overwhelming and urgent that people like Tom Brady are willing to stop what they are doing and pitch it. That would be nice. But it's probably more along the lines of: when not playing football, Tom Brady hangs out with people who don't eat anything.