I'm Gonna Hit That Flex Spot, Baby

So Devin "100 Speed" Hester is going to switch to offense for the Chicago Bears next season. When reached for comment, several NFC defenses shat themselves en masse. ESPN has the story:

"I think Devin Hester is one of the most exciting players in the NFL with his hands on the football," Smith said. "I think he would be an excellent defensive back also. We just feel that this is in the best interest of us and him for him to achieve his full potential as a football player."

The Bears plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season. Hester will work with the wide receivers at minicamp and will also line up in the backfield at times.

"It's going to be a great experience," Hester said. "I'm just going to go over there and try to give a little spark to the offense. There will be more opportunities to make big plays and I think it's a great idea."

Smith said he is anxious to see what Hester's best fit will be. In the early going, Smith said Hester could be valuable as a running back, slot receiver or even as a single receiver in their two-tight end, two-running back packages.

Holy Crap. This is the ultimate flex player for any fantasy team this season. A WR/RB who may even still return kicks. I think I need to change my pants. I think I need to change your pants. I have said in the past I would consider drafting a kicker in the first or second round this year, based on the fact that (I drink a lot?) many of them eventually rack up more fantasy points than some 2nd tier RB's, but now.... Hester is a legitimate 3rd round gamble that could seriously pay off. And not like a 'Remember when the Redskins used Chris Cooley as a TE/RB?' thing. That designation alone saved my season two years ago. Then they moved him to just TE, and he defecated all over my team for 8 weeks.

When shown a preview of Devin Hester's backside,
NFC defenses asked, "There's a frontside?"

The best part is, Hester is going to have a running start going at the endzone from now on, with fewer players in front of him. He'll be unstoppable. But then again, it's the NFC - a bunch of fuzzy bunnies released from their cages will still put up 17 against teams like Minnesota and Detroit.

All in all, this whole scenario reminds me of the time I had to oil wrestle all of those sexy, chesty supermodels nonstop for 3 days in order to save the world with my chiseled abs. Why am I reminded of that? Because I haven't stopped thinking about anything else since. You could throw a baby panda off of a rooftop and it would still stir happy recollections of those fateful 72 hours. I don't mean to brag here, but I am a god among men.