Welcome back FUFL. This is the first Power Rankings and there's already a huge shuffle from the conventional wisdom of the preseason. Basically ever important fantasy player was hurt in week 1 - and it left at least one owner asking why his QB couldn't have just gone missing with a loaded weapon instead of tearing two knee ligaments. This week Sammy Morris becomes the permanent vulture, We forsee throwing buckets of beer at one owner in particular, and we relate our own personal story of an adrenaline-filled left turn. Plus supermodels have been sexed and street urchins have shit wiped on them. Pretty standard stuff really.
1. Bigfoot's Rubber (CL) - This team came out in week one like a team scorned - winning by over 72 points. Holy schnikes. That's more than Country First's total. The solid numbers posted by Brees and Willie Parker carried this team but ultimately it was the performance turned in by Sammy Morris that energized this team. With a renewed focus on the running game this season, Morris owners are well positioned - he is the ultimate vulture for Maroney on first through third downs and especially at the goal line. When Maroney is at home with a lady friend, Morris comes in from foreplay to right before cuddling. The Week 2 match up against Brady's Knee presents a ripe opportunity to take down the only real threat in the Youhas Memorial Division. It also represents a chance to exact revenge on one who enjoyed watching the shimmer of the NFL get a little bit duller with the injury of one Thomas Brady. YFTS even took a moment to pour out a 40oz full of crystal and the sweat of recently-sexed supermodels onto his marble floor in honor of this fallen hero. Mourn ya till we join ya.
2. Puke and Rally (WA) - It's not a question of who failed you (everyone except Gore, Michael Turner in the flex, and your defense) but of who failed you most? Bulger who barely pulled more points in a game than Tom Brady did in 8 minutes of one season? Holmes, Colston? Actually the one who failed you most was YOU. Leaving Favre vs Miami on the bench was the worst idea ever. I can see why you might leave edge on the bench b/c you had more faith in Gore's ability to dominate the game, but QB vs Miami is a no brainer. You rallied to just under 2 pts away from a needed Division win. That's enough to make anyone want to puke. I'm not sure how Shockey got the points he did. Does Yahoo add a few on there for games he doesn't quit on his team and sulk from the owner's box?
3. Pile On Guys (MW) - This team is stacked with talent, but only barely cracked 100pts. That will probably change with Bowe taking a WR spot and Fargas taking over for Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis. The bad news is that leaves you as the guy who cares about the Oakland v KC game. If someone were to ask me to turn the game to Oak-KC I would throw my beer at them. Then the rest of the bottles. Then the ice in the bucket. Then the bucket. The Minnesota D almost lost you the contest, so the addition of the Arizona D was necessary. The real question is what to do when TJ Housh is still tanking at week 3? If you said "punch a cop!" you're right!
4. Hopemongers (XJ) - Like most years, this team looks like an early contender for the playoffs. With Romo, Edwards, Plax, and Adrian Petersen, it's hard to see you losing week after week. The undoing of this team will be its weakness at TE now that Young has the crazies and did not show an interest in throwing to Crumpler, like the smart person who told to get him for that exact reason advised you. With Matt Ryan surpassing initial expectations beyond EPIC FAIL, Roddy White lingers as trade bait for a decent tight end. Then again, the Hopemongers may decide to keep him so they can boast the most Whites on their roster. Racist.
5. Brady's Knee (MS) - Artfully named team, though gives new meaning to the term Knee-Jerk. YFTS's only solace is that you have Wes Welker taking up space in your lineup. You gonna bench him for Berrian?? or Reggie Williams??? of course not. But who else is out there? You gonna get someone off the waiver wire? This team generally puts up decent numbers and is a threat at anytime, but the truth is the loss of Brady hurt you and you know it. Maybe you can trade one of your shitty RB's. Or maybe you can just eat shit and die. Whichever.
6. Country First (SC) - Welcome to the FUFL. Here's an introductory video providing insight into your FUFL experience. In this scenario, the chick is the FUFL, and you are the dude. And everyone else is the gang of dudes beating the crap out of you saying "How can YOU slap?!!! FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Good for you for trying to fight back against the bitch though. Kudos.
Anyone else find it interesting that the mob members swear in English?
Your country may come first, but your team was dead fucking last this week. Hey, at least you can always look to this link (when signed into the league page that is) and remember one day when a neurotic overly-informed windbag made an irrational statement about your team's prospects.
7. Gold Diapers (DP) - This team is amazing - in 2006. Though the RB situation this year is particularly distressing - with every Larry Johnson carry you can actually hear his bones creaking and spinal fluid dripping from his ears. Lee Evans will enjoy fucking with you throughout the season, so that should be fun. If Randy Moss was wasted on this team before, he's now just another decent receiver, which is not what you need. Your diapers may be golden, but the fact that you need diapers is the larger issue.
8. Original Gangstaz (RM) - This may be the highest the OG's get this year. The Gangstaz are in a deep division and their inter-division prospects do not look favorable. And this is the first time in many years you don't have a combo to rely on/drag you down. You don't even have a tandem. How you have McNabb on your roster without another decent QB to plug in when he gets hurt in week 4 or 5 is beyond me. Look, I'm an adrenaline junkie too, but even I take precautionary measures in my thrill seeking. One time I was at a busy intersection that clearly stated "No Left Turn b/w 4pm and 6pm" But you know what? I had some where to be, so I took the risk. But unlike you, I used my signal! And that made all the difference. True story.
9. Cin City (BM) - After placing 2nd in 2008, Cin City starts the year placing 2nd to last in the first FUFL Power Rankings. With the turd-tastic cobo of Palmer and Utecht, expect great things for this team. Great shit-covered things, that smear to the bottom of your shoe and fail to come off - even when you wipe off your shoes vigorously on the nearest street vagrant. Greg Jennings lived up to the hype but that's mostly because teams have so little film on Aaron Rodgers at this point. At least Denver had something to review on McFadden (and it showed). Once teams figure out Rodgers (next week) expect a fall-off in Jennings' production. This team has a strong WR lineup, but no one dependable week in and week out. It's like when I go into Applebees - I know there is a hot chick who works behind the bar, but I can never pin down what her schedule is with any regularity. Some days she's there, some days she isn't and it's ridiculously frustrating to waste your time waiting for her to show. That's why I'm going to give her this tracking anklet. I'm such a cheesy romantic!
10. Rocky Mountain High (CR) - For week 1, a visual aid might be needed to fully demonstrate the level of FAIL your team achieved:
You lost your best player 8 minutes into your season, and Willis McGahee didn't even put his uniform on. Chad Jochocinchonson put his uni on but might as well have sat out too. Now you have to go up against one of the stronger teams in your division (and the entire league). Add to that nobody has paid their dues yet.
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