FUFL Power Rankings Week One

This week: over half the field tops 100, Aaron Brooks has a new business opportunity, and on national television Chester Taylor was compared to Priest Holmes twice without sarcasm. Plus, this week’s Side-Boob Award.

1. Playmaker$ - Congratulations. You got monster points with a mediocre performance by Aaron Brooks, and nothing from your kicker. You got over 50% of your 140pts from the Defense, Frank Gore, and Chester Taylor (35% from those last two clowns). That is not guaranteed week to week by any means. But the combined performance of Aaron Brooks and Randy Moss is something you can look forward to all of the time. Attention Aaron Brooks: you should just start selling your own canned shit. Mail out a batch to every fantasy owner, who can sit down with it every Sunday, crack open a new can of “Steaming Aaron Brooks” and sit back and want to die. It’s the same thing that’s happening now anyway isn’t it? If nothing else, Playmakers, take comfort that Chester Taylor’s spells "Try Rectal Hoes". They don’t call him the molester for nothing. At least the rectal hoes don’t.

2. Xian & the Crusaders - I don’t care if 6 other teams topped one hundred this week. Look at this lineup, and this team is a top 3 playoff team. Xian might lose to the Chester Taylor Fan Club in week two, but you can bet come week 11, when the Playmakers’ RB’s are more busted and damaged than an Olsen twin, Xian’s durable team will be cruising to victory. If this team were a woman, it would be one of those thick rap video chicks who pour champagne on themselves when Ice Cube takes a sip of the potion and hits the three wheel motion. If the manager was a woman…. well I guess he’d be pretty much the same.

3. Up and Atom – Much like Paris Hilton’s gynecologist after an exam, this team is left feeling disgusted, tainted, wronged, and maybe questioning a higher power. The Westbrook and McNabb picks look like good ones, but the usually reliable Tampa Bay D killed you, leaving an interesting choice come week 3 when they’re on bye. As for the rest of this team’s byes – weeks 5 & 6 leave you vulnerable to two full strength teams that will need midseason wins. As for Week 1, no one can blame you for leaving Coles on the bench, and another 120+ game is likely next week at least. All that said, what’s it like hoping Fred Taylor’s knees don’t give out? Is it like smashing your face with a brick, or more like smashing a brick with your face? I can’t decide.

4. Rocky Mountain High. Decent team all around, with some standout performances. This team has a nice bye schedule, but much like my bowel movements, the question of durability and consistency is an ongoing issue. There’s little room for error here. Expect this team to be truly tested in week 3 without LJ (who has the same bye week as LT – lucky you). Speaking of LJ, do you think he is calling up Chester Taylor (1-800-Try-Rectal-Hoes), or Frank Gore (listed: deceased) to get pointers? Maybe the better question is does anybody ever call Chester Taylor or Frank Gore? On purpose, I mean.

5. Hurricane Loftus. As sure as the Democrats hate freedom, this team has playoffs written all over it. Portis looks more or less alright, but that will change against the Dallas D next week, as Brunnell faces a real secondary. The Loftii should expect a successful season assuming four things: 1.) that somehow in Week 3 you are not beaten like a rented mule. 2.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to T.O. 3.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to Jason Witten. 4.)that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes thrown by Drew Bledsoe. You know the old saying: “Drew Bledsoe is horrible. I mean, fucking horrible. Have you seen him lately? Seriously. This guy needs to be put to sleep or something.” I love old sayings.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge. So the Revenge announces itself to the league by eking out a win over a team whose manager was on vacation the entire weekend and the entire week before. This team's kicker outscored their own top WR and QB combined. Also the Buckeye’s condone burning the American Flag and Pedophiliac Bestiality. These are facts people. I don’t make them up. As for the players, Jake Delhomme will rebound next week, and almost all of its players have home games against fairly lousy teams in Week 2. With the Chargers schedule, LT doesn’t have an easy time until week six, where his projected points are, approximately, infinity. Good news though! The Revenge will get a chance to play “What-the-Fuck?!, with your host Mushin Muhammed!” One week he’s on the bench putting up big numbers, and the next he’s in your lineup, creating a foul smell that is reminiscent of burning feces in the streets of New Delhi. Put him back on the bench and play all season!

7. Steve Superior. Jeff Wilkins is a hell of a kicker, ain’t he? He did better than every single player on your team benched or not. We assume you benched Ward because of Chaz Batch, not because of Ward himself, right? Because any other reason would be a colossally idiotic move. We’re talking Maybe-I’ll-Stick-My-Weiner-In-The-Hole-That’s-Making-The-Grinding-Sound kind of dumb (ie Tara Reid). Jackson and Cadillac are going to be like this all season. And by “this” I mean, ‘screwing you over a barrel’ because your back-up RB’s are just that – reserve chutes... Questionably packed reserve chutes at that. These guys won’t see the light of day until maybe week 7 or 8. But don’t worry, at least you’re scheduled to play all of the top teams twice.

8. I’m the Decider. Watching this team on StatTracker may be the singular worst experience of the week, next to that little 'incident' with the SWAT team, four goats, a lapsed scientologist, and an all you can eat sushi buffet. However, every year this manager's team starts off slow and then makes a run at the playoffs. This year will be no different. Except maybe the “making a run at the playoffs part.” That won't happen. On a positive note, the Deciders win this week’s “Side-Boob Award.” From a distance, everything looks great, even a little dangerous. But when you get closer, and it’s time to see the goods in action, it never happens. It’s still just side-boob. And worse yet, you still don’t know if it’s real or fake.

9. Original Gangstas. You know what’s really dumb? Crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock, just so you can get beer money to drink away the pain of crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock (man, that was a bad day). But that would be described as 'ill-advised' compared to benching Gonzo, leaving Steve Smith in, and not dropping one of your shitty kickers or shitty defenses to pick up another WR just to hang onto Branch. We know you’re desperate to see the Iggles do well, but if they do, it’s gonna be Westbrook and McNabb, and maybe Stallworth who provide the punch. Watching you cling to Smith and Akers just makes everyone feel awkward.

10. Raging Runzas. Well Runza, no one knows what to say. Palmer got housed by Kansas City, Jordan was terrible, and so was pretty much everyone else on your squad. Be glad you left Plummer on the bench, but that’s about the only bright spot of Week 1. Week 2 actually looks worse, where you lose a major RB, and a major TE. And Palmer goes against Pittsburgh on the road. The real emotional kicker will come in Week 9 where you will privately consider offering your newly born child’s soul to dark powers in exchange for Wally Lundy delivering a performance worthy of Chester Taylor, Frank Gore, and the Ghost of Samkon Gado. All of this to scrape by a diluted Up & Atom. It’s OK… I cried once too. But that’s because I wet and shat myself on purpose while waving a gun in the street, threatening the police, and demanding to be called ‘Loretta.’ When you do it, it’s just pathetic.