FUFL Power Rankings Week One

This week: over half the field tops 100, Aaron Brooks has a new business opportunity, and on national television Chester Taylor was compared to Priest Holmes twice without sarcasm. Plus, this week’s Side-Boob Award.

1. Playmaker$ - Congratulations. You got monster points with a mediocre performance by Aaron Brooks, and nothing from your kicker. You got over 50% of your 140pts from the Defense, Frank Gore, and Chester Taylor (35% from those last two clowns). That is not guaranteed week to week by any means. But the combined performance of Aaron Brooks and Randy Moss is something you can look forward to all of the time. Attention Aaron Brooks: you should just start selling your own canned shit. Mail out a batch to every fantasy owner, who can sit down with it every Sunday, crack open a new can of “Steaming Aaron Brooks” and sit back and want to die. It’s the same thing that’s happening now anyway isn’t it? If nothing else, Playmakers, take comfort that Chester Taylor’s spells "Try Rectal Hoes". They don’t call him the molester for nothing. At least the rectal hoes don’t.

2. Xian & the Crusaders - I don’t care if 6 other teams topped one hundred this week. Look at this lineup, and this team is a top 3 playoff team. Xian might lose to the Chester Taylor Fan Club in week two, but you can bet come week 11, when the Playmakers’ RB’s are more busted and damaged than an Olsen twin, Xian’s durable team will be cruising to victory. If this team were a woman, it would be one of those thick rap video chicks who pour champagne on themselves when Ice Cube takes a sip of the potion and hits the three wheel motion. If the manager was a woman…. well I guess he’d be pretty much the same.

3. Up and Atom – Much like Paris Hilton’s gynecologist after an exam, this team is left feeling disgusted, tainted, wronged, and maybe questioning a higher power. The Westbrook and McNabb picks look like good ones, but the usually reliable Tampa Bay D killed you, leaving an interesting choice come week 3 when they’re on bye. As for the rest of this team’s byes – weeks 5 & 6 leave you vulnerable to two full strength teams that will need midseason wins. As for Week 1, no one can blame you for leaving Coles on the bench, and another 120+ game is likely next week at least. All that said, what’s it like hoping Fred Taylor’s knees don’t give out? Is it like smashing your face with a brick, or more like smashing a brick with your face? I can’t decide.

4. Rocky Mountain High. Decent team all around, with some standout performances. This team has a nice bye schedule, but much like my bowel movements, the question of durability and consistency is an ongoing issue. There’s little room for error here. Expect this team to be truly tested in week 3 without LJ (who has the same bye week as LT – lucky you). Speaking of LJ, do you think he is calling up Chester Taylor (1-800-Try-Rectal-Hoes), or Frank Gore (listed: deceased) to get pointers? Maybe the better question is does anybody ever call Chester Taylor or Frank Gore? On purpose, I mean.

5. Hurricane Loftus. As sure as the Democrats hate freedom, this team has playoffs written all over it. Portis looks more or less alright, but that will change against the Dallas D next week, as Brunnell faces a real secondary. The Loftii should expect a successful season assuming four things: 1.) that somehow in Week 3 you are not beaten like a rented mule. 2.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to T.O. 3.) that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes to Jason Witten. 4.)that Drew Bledsoe can complete passes thrown by Drew Bledsoe. You know the old saying: “Drew Bledsoe is horrible. I mean, fucking horrible. Have you seen him lately? Seriously. This guy needs to be put to sleep or something.” I love old sayings.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge. So the Revenge announces itself to the league by eking out a win over a team whose manager was on vacation the entire weekend and the entire week before. This team's kicker outscored their own top WR and QB combined. Also the Buckeye’s condone burning the American Flag and Pedophiliac Bestiality. These are facts people. I don’t make them up. As for the players, Jake Delhomme will rebound next week, and almost all of its players have home games against fairly lousy teams in Week 2. With the Chargers schedule, LT doesn’t have an easy time until week six, where his projected points are, approximately, infinity. Good news though! The Revenge will get a chance to play “What-the-Fuck?!, with your host Mushin Muhammed!” One week he’s on the bench putting up big numbers, and the next he’s in your lineup, creating a foul smell that is reminiscent of burning feces in the streets of New Delhi. Put him back on the bench and play all season!

7. Steve Superior. Jeff Wilkins is a hell of a kicker, ain’t he? He did better than every single player on your team benched or not. We assume you benched Ward because of Chaz Batch, not because of Ward himself, right? Because any other reason would be a colossally idiotic move. We’re talking Maybe-I’ll-Stick-My-Weiner-In-The-Hole-That’s-Making-The-Grinding-Sound kind of dumb (ie Tara Reid). Jackson and Cadillac are going to be like this all season. And by “this” I mean, ‘screwing you over a barrel’ because your back-up RB’s are just that – reserve chutes... Questionably packed reserve chutes at that. These guys won’t see the light of day until maybe week 7 or 8. But don’t worry, at least you’re scheduled to play all of the top teams twice.

8. I’m the Decider. Watching this team on StatTracker may be the singular worst experience of the week, next to that little 'incident' with the SWAT team, four goats, a lapsed scientologist, and an all you can eat sushi buffet. However, every year this manager's team starts off slow and then makes a run at the playoffs. This year will be no different. Except maybe the “making a run at the playoffs part.” That won't happen. On a positive note, the Deciders win this week’s “Side-Boob Award.” From a distance, everything looks great, even a little dangerous. But when you get closer, and it’s time to see the goods in action, it never happens. It’s still just side-boob. And worse yet, you still don’t know if it’s real or fake.

9. Original Gangstas. You know what’s really dumb? Crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock, just so you can get beer money to drink away the pain of crushing your own genitals with a cinderblock (man, that was a bad day). But that would be described as 'ill-advised' compared to benching Gonzo, leaving Steve Smith in, and not dropping one of your shitty kickers or shitty defenses to pick up another WR just to hang onto Branch. We know you’re desperate to see the Iggles do well, but if they do, it’s gonna be Westbrook and McNabb, and maybe Stallworth who provide the punch. Watching you cling to Smith and Akers just makes everyone feel awkward.

10. Raging Runzas. Well Runza, no one knows what to say. Palmer got housed by Kansas City, Jordan was terrible, and so was pretty much everyone else on your squad. Be glad you left Plummer on the bench, but that’s about the only bright spot of Week 1. Week 2 actually looks worse, where you lose a major RB, and a major TE. And Palmer goes against Pittsburgh on the road. The real emotional kicker will come in Week 9 where you will privately consider offering your newly born child’s soul to dark powers in exchange for Wally Lundy delivering a performance worthy of Chester Taylor, Frank Gore, and the Ghost of Samkon Gado. All of this to scrape by a diluted Up & Atom. It’s OK… I cried once too. But that’s because I wet and shat myself on purpose while waving a gun in the street, threatening the police, and demanding to be called ‘Loretta.’ When you do it, it’s just pathetic.

FUFL: Mocking the Draft

Power Speculations: Mocking the Draft

I think I could argue that there are more important things going on in the world than our fantasy football draft. I mean there is an evil in this world, and it has come to our country and threatens to strike us in the very near future. Some might say I am over-reacting to the idea of Marc Anthony breeding but to you I say watch this.

Granted, I know I just violated about four articles of the Geneva Conventions here, but there are some of you with a pre-Marc-Anthony-offspring-mindset of the world. So here's a small distraction from important world events. Here's how the draft goes down. Quick Recap from last year: did last year end? here's what should have happened

But in the end, democracy one. or DID IT????

1. Xian & the Crusaders - Dear Leader will likely put together a formidable team as he does every year, although last year's deal with the devil comes to term as he will be forced to draft Samkon Gado in the first, second, and third rounds. Last year's breakout game against the Falcons (and my FUFL team) inspired me to write the bestselling* children's book entitled, "Screw you Samkon Gado. Screw You Straight to Hell."

*And yes, Mr. Details, if the cops break into my house and recover thousands of copies of "threatening literature" they are counted as individual sales -as is each time its read to a jury, and once per conviction.

2. Steve Superior - Based on previous year's drafts, this team will have the hardest schedule. Also based on previous year's drafts, someone will be the first to take a kicker, someone else will be the first to select a defense, and Jones will end up drunk and alone in his little apartment, quietly grinding his teeth because he chipped in too much for pizza and no one paid him back. He'll make sure they pay.. Oh yes.. they'll pay.

3. Hurricane Loftus - Still going with the name of a girly-drink, the Loftii are coming off two good seasons. Last year's expected winner, the Loftii bombed like a Mariah Carey movie to the glee and merriment of the FUFL. Winner of last year's "What the Fucking Fuck?" award for his announcement of impending nuptials on the FUFL board, this team may win this coveted award as early as draft day should he once again choose Peyton Manning in Round one. Preview of the Colts season in 4 words: Incomplete, Stuffed, Incomplete, Punt. Is a Manning/Punter combo official yet?

4. Playmakers - One step from naming his team "Vanilla", I think I speak for all of us when I say that I am disappointed in a team once known as "The Black Athlete." The 'Makers will have a decent draft as they have each of the past two years, but will nonetheless sweat it out, crunching numbers and second guessing, to the delight of his competitors. This constant feeling of inadequacy and the inability to perform always leads to dark places, where you are tied to the bed, crying, pleading with the hooker to leave you cab fare and penicillin before s/he leaves. That hasn't happened to you? Ummm. Me neither.

5. I'm the Decider - The real question is will the Decider take New England's TE Ben Watson in the first or second round? A perennial late bloomer in this league, the Decider's unique managing skill, combined with his good looks, always seem to lead to (or near) the playoffs, but never the prize. Perhaps that's because he travels the world sexing only the most beautiful ladies the globe has to offer, or perhaps it's because the most beautiful women of the world travel the globe to sex him.* Based on information I just made up, this year the Decider will have a mediocre season, but will make the playoffs in a wildcard scenario based on rustic good looks or incriminating recordings of the Commissioner when he was vulnerable and needed to talk. One of those two.

*Or because he's married.

6. Raging Runzas - Hmmm. Raging, huh? Really? This yeasty dough bread pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, and seasonings started off strong for the last two years and then for one reason or another just collapsed down the stretch. And by one reason or another I mean Stephen “today is the day I become a real woman." Jackson (Exhibit A: 2005 mid-November's 0.2 performance). Originator of the StephVen Smith combo, you can bet if the player is named Steve, Stephen, or Stephanie they will not go undrafted by this team. So Rage on Runza. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.

7. Original Gangstas - Another favorite to employ a combo-heavy offense. But with no Owens/McNabb, what will the new combo be for the OG's this year? Will it actually be the new/old tandem of McNair to Mason? You know the old saying: An old combo is never good unless you find it in the couch and rub it off on your pants really really well. And that's a problem for the OG's, cause this team doesn't wear pants. At least not at work or in front of the computer. That reminds me, why haven't you been fired yet?

8. Buckeye's Revenge - Who the fuck are you?*

*Actually, the rumor is you are named Brian. And that we had lunch once. Good to see you again. How's it going?

9. Rocky Mountain High - Always the wildcard, this team usually assembles a mix of above average playesrs and who-dats to create a team that is uneasily defined. You know what else is uneasily defined? "pneumono­ultra­micro­scopic­silico­volcano­coniosis" I am guessing here, but I think it's the medical term for volcanoes who are insecure about their magma temperature. I'm just speculating, I'm not a doctor you know.

10. Up and Atom - You will always be Mummified Poultry to us. This team should be the happiest that the FUFL is not a keeper league, because with last year's debacle of Jamal Lewis and Clinton Portis this atom wouldn't even have a half life (ba-dum-ching!). Will local loyalties demand you take JP Losman in the first round? I think so. But then again, I also think witches are real and that this burning sensation will go away if I scratch it more. So, in summary: I am itchy in scary places.

See you all on the internets on Wednesday.