Best Birthday Present Ever

If I'm Tom Brady, and I am (in a way*), then I probably want to downplay the whole, My-hot-literate-ex-girlfriend-is-gonna-have-my-shorty story whenever I can. That's going to be tough, seeing that it looks like his first kid is going to come out from under center on the same day his baby is born:

ALL'S not well with Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. While the two have put up a happy front for the cameras - and his family is even said to be flying out to Italy to spend time at the villa in Rome she recently acquired - our spies say Bundchen is upset that Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, is due to give birth to Brady's son on Friday - Bundchen's birthday. The tension has grown so intense that the couple fought openly in front of hotel guests in Napa while staying at the five-star Auberge du Soleil.

Man, that is some shitty luck. Who knows, maybe he can make the best of it. Maybe when the baby comes out he can quickly put a bow on the little tyke and be like, "Hey Gisele, I got you this new baby for your birthday! Happy Birthday sweetie! You said you always wanted one!" And then when she's not looking, replace it with a puppy. She probably won't even know the difference.

For a more intimate view of the whole thing, perhaps you should just go straight to the source, cause the baby's got a blog.

In the end though, we will share a day of birth - an important day for each of us that acknowledges our entrance to the human world and into circumstances that define who we are and who we are to become. It is a singular association that cannot be erased, like the scar upon young Harry Potter's head that forever connects him to the evil Lord Voldemort. Only in this case, Voldemort is a rapidly aging, uneducated and emaciated Brazilian minx, who breathes through her mouth and is likely mentally handicapped. Seriously, she would bust out a booty-dance when Taps is played at a military funeral. Oh zeez hoarns! Oh how zey cauz me to wiggle ze boom-boom!

I like this kid.

*I am Tom Brady in the way that I am also Enid Fellsworth and Morris Ackerman - straight up identity theft.