Support A-Rod with Soothing Techno, Not Boos.

Via Deadspin comes a new A-Rod themed site that truly ups the ante in awkward internet sports obsession. The sad premise is A-Rod needs cuddling and positive affirmation to succeed at his wildly enriching and untaxing profession. And through the power of love of the game and happiness and, positive thinking, and... I'll be honest, I couldn't really get past the first few pages because reading all this crap made my head fill with images of bear cubs frolicking with each other under sunny rainbows at the fluffy puppy birthday jamboree.

C'mon everyone! Alex is up to bat! Let's clap till we puke at how pathetic
and delicate even his most ardent and imbalanced fans know he is!

You think 38pitches is a bit over the top in its fan-appreciation of a player? Try this little nugget on for size:

Think about it. Have you ever seen a player more in need of positive support—especially from his fans at home—than A-Rod? Here is a man with otherworldly physical skills—the fastest player to 400 home runs, two-time AL MVP, ten-time All-Star, a Gold Glove, and on and on and on—and yet in four playoff series for the New York Yankees, his average has closely resembled a fading ray of the light attached to the setting sun...brilliant at first, and then quickly, sadly, nonexistent... 421... 258... 133... 071... Does anyone see a pattern here? [Ed Note: Uhhhh... elipses....?] Do you think Alex was dropped from fourth, to fifth, to sixth and then eighth in the lineup because his physical skills are diminishing—at 31—or for some other, intangible reason?

I am assuming that the intangible reason is the thunderous home crowd booing, but it might also be that people throw batteries at him. I can't be sure, because I'm not really in the mood to go look up what 'intangible' means. It's probably some cosmic new age term involving a goddess and the alignment of stars or some shit. Thanks but no thanks, Yanni.