Thursday, June 21, 2007

How to Catch a Snake

Jon Gruden is trying to "lure" retiring QB Jake Plummer to training camp. I have never been shy about my feelings towards Jake the Snake, and to be honest I was hoping Gruden planned to entice the bearded one onto what looked like a normal football field, but once Plummer stepped on it, he would fall into a pit of spikes that have skulls of other victims on them (they always do). Unfortunately for Tampa Bay, and the sport of football, Gruden wants Plummer to play instead:

Ten-year veteran Jake Plummer, acquired by the Buccaneers in a March 3 trade with the Denver Broncos, has not reported to this week's three-day minicamp. But Gruden continues to woo Plummer despite his stated intention to retire from the NFL, and acknowledged this week he will hold a roster spot open for him.

"We're talking about Jake Plummer here, so we'll reserve a roster spot for the 'Snake' a little while longer," Gruden said. "If it was Jake Jones or Jake Johnson or Jake Gruden, we'd probably bypass the holding pattern we're in right now. [But] this is one heck of a football player who has accomplished a great deal. At this point, he's retired, and hopefully, at some point, he changes his mind or reconsiders."


This is the kind of guy who isn't so much lured, but does the luring, if you know what I mean. All that's missing is a white van and a bag of candy.

My favorite quote is "We're talking about Jake Plummer here." Ummm.. yeah. You are. But if Gruden is intent on luring Plummer, here's what I found on the intertubes:

To Catch a Snake
1. Be sure the snake isn't venomous. You don't want your first attempt at snake catching to end in disaster! Observe the snake--its length, its colors, and other distinguishing features. Identify the species by using a search engine (e.g. +snake +red +yellow +"North Carolina"). If you are at all uncertain of what kind of snake it is, and are worried it might be venomous, call the local animal shelter ASAP and let them know before anyone gets hurt.
Analysis: Plummer is fantasy poison. You could drink a glass of lye and still have fewer stomach issues than putting him in your lineup. As for distinguishing features, that mustache is superb. Jake Plummer's other defining characteristic is that you have no idea what kind of QB he is at any given moment. So please, call the Tampa Bay Animal Shelter (727-586-3591)
2. Get a stick, or whatever you have at hand.
Analysis: This sounds promising. Go with it.
3. Hold the stick in view of the snake as a distraction. Snakes can only concentrate on one thing at a time. With its eyes on the object in front of it, the snake won't be as concerned with you, especially if you stand to one side
Analysis: Hmmm. Not where I thought it was going, but it might work. This singular-focus thing is new to me. It explains a lot of Plummers career. Like finding an open receiver AND throwing. I would suggest using the stick to poke him just in case. And by poke, I mean listen to that voice that saysstab stab stab stab stab.
4. Quickly and firmly grasp it directly at the base of the neck. This must be done close enough to the the head so the snake can't curve around and bite you. You might want to grab and hold the tail with your other hand so that it doesn't wrap around your wrist.
Analysis: This might be hard for Gruden, cause he's so little. Like Richie-Rich little.
5. Release the snake into an area that is far enough away to ensure the snake does not wander into your property again. When you let it go, let go of the head quickly, with the snake facing away from you, and step away immediately.
Analysis: This worked for the Broncos.

Personally, I like Alternate Method #1:
  1. Lay a large garbage can on its side (ie Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
  2. Sweep snake in with a household broom. Snake can easily be transported to a wilderness area, away from homes. Or is certain cases, a football field.

All this snake talk reminds me of my own encounter with the world's largest python - which was this morning, when I used the bathroom. Ladies, call me.

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