Baseball is Out of Ideas

Baseball, in an awkwardly pathetic attempt to appear modern and cutting edge, decided to fuck with wool hats and make them out of whatever weird shit they make Under Armor out of or something. I don't know. Read the article. Just a reminder, Bud, that the coolest part of baseball is it's decidedly not modern in play or equipment. A ball. A bat. A glove. Christ, it doesn't even have a clock.

On opening day, the sport will doff the traditional wool cap in favor of a new polyester blend model designed to wick away sweat before it can stream down a player's face.

The change is part of commissioner Bud Selig's focus on boosting player performance, a Major League Baseball official said, and follows a general trend toward moisture-managing "performance" materials in sports apparel.

In broaching the change, New Era was well aware of the 100 percent wool cap's long-standing place in baseball history, DeWaal said. Aside from tweaks here and there -- a switch from leather sweatbands to cloth in the 1980s, for example -- this is the first major overhaul of the baseball cap since the current, six-panel model was adopted in 1954, he said"There's a lot of tradition in baseball and we couldn't completely go against that tradition so we always had that as a parameter," DeWaal said, "but we wanted to take as open-minded a look at this as possible."

"By revolutionizing the cap, we're ensuring the players headwear provides the best performance while they play," New Era Chief Executive Officer Christopher Koch said.

Next up, I got an idea for these snazzy plastic numbers. Gonna Revolutionize them.

Let's call this what it is - a cheap shot at Trot Nixon's penchant for dirty headwear - who I imagine will now be forced to take a crap directly on his hat and smear it around to get that worn-in look. Would liked to have seen that (God we're gonna miss him). It's also a nice big fuck you to the fans who will be expected to buy these awful futuristic things if they want real player apparel. I don't know what I'd do if didn't have the hook-ups for their worn apparel that I do now*. The sad thing is that athletes in general don't need to be pampered any more than they already are. Does Pac Man Jones need a super-absorbant headband on when he's beating up strippers? No. He is at peak performance because he's fueled by drugs and an inflated sense of self-importance, not his gear - because when you're in the zone, it doesn't matter what you're wearing. And that's what is really important. I think my point is clear.

*Note: By "hook-ups" I mean access to public garbage bins and "worn apparel" I mean used Band-aids. No you're gross. No YOU are.