NFL season picks

I was asked for my NFL predictions by the crew at Hugging Harold Reynolds, and in 10 minutes time, I put together this list. I'm not making excuses, I'm bragging.

(division winners marked with *)

NFC North

*Bears - Purely because of their D.

Packers - Brett will be on fumes this year, I'd rather be running on premium fumes than regular gas. It's the difference between a guinness fart and and a taco bell fart.

Vikings - A Taco Bell fart that leaves a purple stripe.

Lions - This is Jon Fucking Kitna's team, and he's taking it the only place he feels safe from the storm: the cellar.

NFC East

*Eagles - McNabb doesn't even need the leg he's rehabbing. He'll probably just break it off midway through the season and jam a metal pipe in there or something. He's bionic.

The Team Tony Romo is On - Because according to everyone, he's the only person worth mentioning.

Redskins - This feels about right.

Giants - Brandon Jacobs is gonna make every fantasy owner cry. He was good at taking goal line touches. But he never really worked to get to the goal line, did he?

NFC South

*Saints – They are just too good. Update: not for the Colts, though.

Bucs – Will randomly be better for no good reason. The part of No Good Reason will be played by Jeff Garcia.

Panthers – They keep slipping a little every year.

Falcons – Somewhere, Joey Harrington is looking at a playbook and thinking, "where's that INT route I was so good at?"

NFC West

*49ers – This feels weird.

Rams – Stephen and the Bulge should be a buddy comedy.

Seahawks – Shaun Alexander will only be disappointing whatever clown drafted him. The rest of us knew better, right?

Cardinals – Matt Leinert will be just as good a father as he is a starting QB.

AFC North

Bengals – I think I hate every team in this division. So fine, uhhh Bengals will win.

Steelers – Back to form, but not their year. Steely McBeam is responsible.

Ravens – I am so unsold on this team.

Cleveland – The Frye Era will be terrible – all 2.5 weeks of it. Enter Brady the Lady Quinn.

AFC East

*Patriots – They are magical.

Dolphins – Crazy pick here, but I gotta feeling. Plus I need to separate myself from my peers.

Jets – Not a great situation at any major starting position.

Bills – Losman, dude. He's studying with Harrington I bet.

AFC South

*The Team with that Manning Guy on it – I can't remember his name, but I heard a reference to a monkey off his back or something. I'll just guess that I was told Manning got off on a monkey riding bareback. I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear.

Jaguars – Rawwwr!

Texans – Think the QB will have wished he stayed in Atlanta just one more year?

Titans – leaking oil. Vince Young can't scramble on every play, can he?

AFC West

*Broncos – Always have a ridiculous smaller running back who gains 1,000+ yds

Chargers – LT and Rivers both great, but who else is?

Chiefs – Awkward Silence Goes Here. Awkward Silence then bitch slapped by Herm Edwards.

Raiders – Culpepper to Moss almost happened again if the receiver hadn't left to the Pats. It would be like watching my grandparents play catch. Old people are funny sometimes. "Give me back my teeth!" they yell. They're so precious.

--

Wildcard: Chargers, Steelers, Packers, Rams

Conference Winners: Pats (Over Broncs), Saints (Over Eagles)

Superbowl: PATS WIN, PATS WIN

And Tom Brady celebrates by getting everyone pregnant.


Cross posted at Hugging Harold Reynolds

FUFL Draft Results

If you hate reading, Click here for the FUFL draft results. You might have to use the magnifying glass to enlarge it. Just like your wiener.

If you want to have actual analysis of the FUFL draft, well then here you go. Not written by the YFTS staff, but by our unpaid intern. Who also remains uninformed that it's even posted here. It's not plagiarism if no one notices, right? Same goes for double homicide too I think. I hope.

Repete Smith's Pre-Season Rankings 1-5
by: The Pile On Guys

Before looking into these too hard, know that I took a trusted fantasy football source and used their projections and put them against our current starting lineups. So what I’m saying in these rankings (and when I refer to “our analysts”) is what the fantasy points predicting service tells me we all will score assuming the current starting lineups. Only 51.98 total points separates #2 from #9, so this will be a bitterly contested season according to the fantasy heads. I don’t necessarily agree with them, but that’s what we’re going with here. My commentary is in each team capsule. I hope you enjoy. And Repete Smith hates Two-a-Days.

1) The Pile On Guys - Talk about a pile on. Last year's champ with an embarrassment of riches at RB landed the fantasy gold mine in Tomlinson. Will it prove to be fool's gold since he took a chance on WRs early at the expense of another solid corps of RBs? Only time will tell, but according to our analysts this team figgers to be the top scorer in the league. LT can cure all RBBC ills, so RB2 and FLEX is not as much of an issue that it would suggest to be in this format and league depth.
Key Performer: Deuce McAllister
Prediction: 10-4, Loses in the FUFL Bowl

2) stop nagging me now - Nabbed tremendous value in the first 3 rounds, but the autodraft ended up reaching a bit too early on the QB, DEF, and PK. Doesn't matter as long as Steven Jackson shows Lucas that he does not have a vagina but is instead hung like a mandingo. This team will probably lose more than it should due to the likely erratic play (or not play) of Lynch (a rookie), Benson (unproven but talented) and Moss (injuries).
Key performers: Randy Moss and Cedric Benson
Prediction: 9-5, 1st Round Playoff Loss

3) Kool-Aid Maroney - Everybody drink the kool-aid. Every year this guy autodrafts his team, he goes to the title game (1-1). Prospects for passage to the title game are good with this squad, too. Solid team all around, but MJD, while a baller, will be hard pressed to repeat his stellar '06 campaign. The weak WR2 is mitigated by the Gates factor, and Golden Boy Brady should have all the weapons he needs to live up to that draft spot.
Key Performers: Maurice Jones-Drew and DeAngelo Williams
Prediction: 9-5, FUFL Champ

4) The Caged Bengal - Let the sabre rattling begin. Just don't let it lead to a sword fight between you and Steven Jackson, if you know what I mean. We all know you're hung like a Gergen pickle, but you did an excellent job with the draft this year. One of my favorites. Our analysts believe you score high marks in all the right places
Key Performer: Brandon Jacobs
Prediction: 8-6, 1st round Playoff Loss

5) Die Nasty - Another great draft, but will LJ report on time? And after his Week 1 success again HOU, how will he fare against the stout defenses to follow? Our analysts like what you got, but think you narrowly miss out on the playoffs. Too much risk at RB2 and flex to rank any higher, aside from projections. Key Performers: Edgerrin James and Vince Young
Prediction: 8-6, but end season on a 4 game win streak

6) Rugs on Valium - Our analysts project you at 6, and doesn't that sound about right for you? Every year you have one of the better drafts, but the FUFL has not been kind to our kind soul from the Breadbasket of America. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team, yet it just doesn’t appear dynamic enough to boost you into a playoff spot, according to our analysts. My instincts tell me the Romo emerges to a top 5 QB, and Holt and Williams dominate. If Alexander returns to his best installment (v.2005 form), and Ronnie Brown lives up to the blue chip hype, well, then, we are looking at a darkhorse candidate for FUFL champ. However, we gotta go with the raw data, and that tells me you land right here.
Key Performer: Ronnie Brown, K2’s knee
Prediction: 7-7

7) Michael Vick’s Dogpound - I think you had the best draft in the league. You got great value at the following spots: TE in Witten, who will score about what the TEs draft several rounds ahead of him will; TJ Housh ~10 picks later than Chad Johnson for the same reason; and Palmer ~20 picks behind Manning for the same reason again; and two upside top 10 RBs to anchor your squad. I see nothing wrong with this squad, but the fantasy prognosticators suggest there just isn’t enough oomph from WR2 and FLEX to launch you into the playoffs, and maybe a bit too much risk of injury with Travis Henry. I disagree with our analysts, but we must trust the data!
Key Performer: Travis Henry and TJ Houshmazode, Housevanilli, or whatever his name is
Prediction: 6-8

8) Cin City- Interesting play on words, especially in light of the fact that you have no Bengals on your roster. You’ve done well at key spots (QB, RB1, WR combo); however, trusting your RB2 and FLEX to rookies in murky RBBC situations takes just the kinda balls that is usually rewarded in this league (think Dan Youhas). I like your moxy, but my rationality suggests you start off slow and finish strong behind the Big XII rooks. Let’s remember this is the guy that had LT last year, and not only missed the playoffs but had a LOSING record. Unbelievable.
Key Performers: Adrian Peterson and Brandon Jackson
Prediction: 5-9

9) Douche Bag Jones - Our great and fearless leader of the free world, Xian Jones, is either in it, or out of it when it comes to his history in the FUFL. It appears this year he is out of it, serving as the proverbial fantasy doormat. The FBG analysts suggest Portis is too great a risk to take at that point in R2, and I agree with them. However, Portis has had some big years in the past, and if he can return to his glory days, and Colston repeat his healthy game averages of last year (which our analysts say he does not), then I think he makes a push for the playoffs. Andre Johnson, while talented, is just not in a dynamic enough of an offense to propel you further. I like your team and am surprised by the results. Rock and Roll, Jones.
Key Performers: Clinton Portis (and he is the most important player in the FUFL, other than LT2)
Prediction: 5-9

10) Original Ganstaz - It’s an annual rite of the Summer season, I rank you last or second to last in the pre-season rankings. It’s also an annual rite of Fall that your team beats mine. Lucky for you, you get me twice this year. Who will be the other unknowing victim? Only time will tell. I think you have an okay team, but the problem was the R4 selection of Brees. That crippled your chances for success, and left you grasping for a solid WR corps. I think Hines Ward has a better season than my analysts suggest, but that won’t be enough for you to overcome the loss of a sound R4 pick. If this league were deeper, you could probably move Brees for a solid skill player, but I think we’re all pretty much set at that position. We’ll see, I s’pose.
Key Performer: Brees or McNabb
Prediction: 3-11

Mocking the Draft II: Hold the Mayer

Our pre-draft analysis of the FUFL continues with special guest commentator, John Mayer.

The Caged Bengal (CL)
Realizing the days when this team was winning can now officially be categorized as "halcyon-like", the manager of this team understands this year he must be aggressive in order to avoid FUFL obscurity. The lone bright spot of last year's pathetic 2-12 season was beating the Commish, but overall it was like a "Buy 12 get 2 free" crotch kicking promotion (with less clowns). As for this year, the Caged Bengal feels a good draft coming on. This feeling is based on a recent scientific study performed on the manager, comparing the number of 40 oz's consumed with 'fists-shaken' at 'my wretched God' and then correlated with 'bails-jumped' and 'average hostages taken.' It won the Nobel Prize for Achievements in Alcohol or something. True Story. What Does John Mayer make of all this?

Uhhhhhh... I like it?
(Ed Note: This picture angers me.)

The Original Gangstas (RM)
More like the Origami Gangstas, considering how many times this team folds over the season (ZING)! Always a contender, but never a winner. Unlike me, where I'm always a winner but never a contender. That's how I won the last 25 Tour de France's and 7 consecutive Alligator Wrasslin' competitions. As for the OG's draft, we predict a combo of some sort, and at least one eagles player who is drafted too early. Perhaps this year the OG's sustained hustlin' will finally earn some chedda. But life in the game is hard, and you either play the game or the game plays you. And I should know: I've lived that life. If by "lived" you mean "watched two seasons of the Wire with the swear words bleeped out." Fa Real. Jeezy Meezy, tell 'em what time it is:

John Mayer is down with the OG's. "Holler" he sys. Holler indeed.

Players to Be Named Later (WG)

<insert: Billy Joel>
They can kill with a smile
They can wound with their eyes
They can ruin your faith with that roster of guys
And they only reveal what they want you to see
They play like a child
But they're always a Runza to me
< / Billy Joel>

John Mayer concedes that the Runzas always appear to
have a solid team, but in the end fail miserably. Much like that orange shirt.

Mike Vicks Dogpound (SW)
Congratulations for showing up. If your league effort mirrors that of the effort in choosing a team name, you'll look back on last year's 7-7 record as when you used to be "unstoppable." We go right to the Mayer for this one:

John Mayer feels optimistic. But then again, you would too if you were
getting laid all the time, on command.

Jailhouse Rock (BM)
Based on facts I just made up, the second year is always worse. You thought you made a lousy showing last year with a 6 game losing streak in the beginning of the season? That's nothing. Try showing up to a fancy party thrown by the rich parents of the girl you love, after being sold out by the stupid rich kid who anyone in their right mind can see is a bad dude, but he's rich and white and the parents prefer him over your wrong-side-of-the-tracks-kinda-smells-like-roadkill persona. And after you sneak in dressed as a waiter and bring the party to a crashing halt by making a from-the-heart appeal to everyone's conscience that love should truly win the day no matter anyone's socio-economic status or subconcious biases - and during the silent moment where the rich girl and you are supposed to make a connection that rises above it all, some dipshit makes a loud and realistic wet fart sound. Fuck you wet fart guy. Fuck you in the A. So yeah, try that.

John Mayer just took a shit that smells rosier than your season.
And last night was taco night.

Well that's it for today kind sirs. See you on Sunday. At church of course.

Mocking the Draft II: Hizzoner, the Mayer

Oh FUFL, I have missed you the way I miss the mystery guy in my office building who pisses anywhere but into the urinal. Like him, you remain a mystery to me, you torment me when you are around, but after a prolonged absence, I can't wait for your return - if only for another crack and catching you and rubbing your face in the mess you made. I've been thinking, FUFL, that you deserve the best when it comes to mocking your draft, something signaling the auspicious/tedious event that an online draft is. So I called in every favor, got on my knees and begged everyone I could who would listen, and got what this draft needed: the celebrity cache it richly deserves with none other than John Mayer. (Ed Note: If you wonder what kind of insight John Mayer can provide, keep in mind this multiple-Grammy award winning artist has seen more early 20's ass than every college kid with a dorm room ethernet connection combined. Plus he sang to me in that manly Kathleen Turner voice of his. My heart melted!)

The Convicks (MW)
There are registered sex offenders who have made fewer moves than this team did in 2006. The whopping total of 54 was more than than teams 2,3, and 4 combined. But this translated into success, as they ended on a 6 game win streak and a Championship. Last year's draft caught two of the sleeper RB picks (Chester Taylor is now just sleeping), and Tom Brady, who impregnated his offense with... uhh, pregnancy I guess. Two reliable veterans in Torry Holt and Donald Driver put up crazy season numbers. Also worth noting? The top 3 point producers on this team: 1. Frank Gore, 2. Tom Brady, 3. Baltimore D. Think about that. So why will this team threaten a repeat? Simply because we need them to. That's right. All of the money this manager spends on strategy guides, all of the little things he should be doing around the house gone undone, all of the hours of work siphoned off into this league: in the end it results in victory (2006) or near victory (2005, 2004). The formula of ignoring your daily, familial, marital, and hygenic duties and spending time on the internet can earn you money and victory. His strategy validates our sloth. And in our own way - particularly with our middle fingers - we salute you. And so this year will be no different, as a crafty draft looms for the Convicks. Unless they draft 7th. Then all hope is lost. John Mayer says:

"John Mayer likey"

Douchebag Jones (CJ)
Some call him the commissioner, some call him a douchebag, and some call him 'that kid who cries when he dances' But we should just call him what he is: angry, determined, and bent on winning fueld by unbridled spite. He claims little pleasure in this league, which takes him away from his other dual pursuits of reading Harry Potter books and drawing pictures of a chesty Hermoine servicing a stick figure with a similar hairline and eyewear. This year the Commish will wage the same war with a smarter draft, hopefully avoiding busts like Andre Johnson and Ahman Green, and staying away from injury prone measts like Alexander. His strategy this year will rely less on his managerial skills and more on detailing the seriousness and graveness of his family's recent health scare, juxtaposed with the newborn life that has made him an Uncle, all in hopes of creating enough of an emotional rollercoaster for opponents so they fail to adjust for bye weeks. This team has had decent draft spots in the past few years, so it will be interesting to see how he responds to a more difficult position. Besides outright weeping of course. That shit is standard. Let's get John Mayer's thoughts:

John Mayer "understands your smoldering attitude
keeps you both competitive and celibate."

Kool-Aid Maroney (DP)
This team threatened to repeat in 2005, but last year - even with all of the cheating - only managed a 6th place finish. With a top score of only 129, this team is going to need some serious firepower from the draft, and expect the manager to make some aggressive moves that would make even the date-rapiest of frat boys blush. This manager has a gift for staying in the thick of things, but we'll see if he can overcome the FUFL's marraige penalty. What penalty you ask? The league marriage penalty tends to be that after you get married, your team suffers. Sure, it's great in the beginning, but after awhile your team wonders why you are hanging out with your friends instead of paying attention to them, and the next thing you know they're not cooperating anymore, and BAM you get in more trouble for checking out the supple running back of another team. You eventually come around and understand you've got to grow up and you made the right choice in the first place, but it's a transition year to say the least. Let's see what John Mayer thinks:

John Mayer is excited for you, but his collar is popped,
signifying both you and he are douchebags.

Stop Nagging Me Now (MS)
This team was at times unstoppable and at times a doormat. It had 5 games over 130 pts, and a season low of 69. When it won, it usually won decisively - a result of great performances by Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, and Marvelous Marvin Harrison. But the lows were just as spectacular, showing flashes of the 2005 season when it couldn't win no matter what they tried. SNMN's draft prowress is hard to figure out, but with the right combination of sleepers and studs, we expect another season of big wins from this team. In a related note, with the right combination of sleeping pills and studs, you can expect awkward conversations with law enforcement. What's John Mayer think?

Agreeing that your team isn't always what it seems,
John Mayer says, "Sometimes, I look like transvestite."

Die Nasty (CR)
This name makes me tremble! A pun on the word dynasty, signifying a tradition of excellence in the FUFL, but composed of two hardcore words that elicit feelings of fright and contempt! We tremble at your take on words! I shat myself twice just typing that! Perhaps THE question of the draft is will this manager have Larry Johnson again? The past two years LJ has ended up on this roster, saving your lily-white ass. Without LJ there to carry the load, who will do it? It seems to be the plan again, as we have received a sneak peak of Die Nasty's draft plan, round by round --- and let's just say we're not trembling anymore:

Mr. Mayer... your opinion?

John Mayer, holds his breath on getting LJ. He suggests his personal
prescription for success of "Winning a few Grammys and
banging a 19 year old every other Tuesday."
So, in a word, you're fucked.

Tomorrow: YOU'VE SEEN THE BEST, NOW MEET THE REST!

NFL Draft Analysis: Oakland Raiders

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and stats-obsessed MW offers his reaction to the Raiders draft. His words below:

So who do you select for the team that needs everything? Well, why not start with the franchise quarterback. I think the Raiders did the right thing in selecting JaMarcus Russell, even though the can't miss prospect was Calvin Johnson. Enough with the ninny WRs, let's get some big dogs in with some bark. Russell is a baller and always has been, and I think he will help bring the franchise back to respectability.

As far as the remainder of the draft is concerned, I am somewhat discouraged and think that Al Davis must select players solely based on 40 [yard dash] times. He's obsessed with speed. Johnnie Lee Higgins and John Bowie were the fastest guys available in Rounds 3 and 4, respectively, so he drafted them. That Bowie pick was awful. Kiper had him rated as about the 900th best player in this year's class. But it wouldn't be a Raider draft if a WR and a CB was not selected, regardless of need.

Al Davis is obsessed with speed alright.
Let's be honest: Keanu Reeves' acting is like crack,
only stronger and filled with steeley handsomeness.
No you're gay. No YOU are.

I love the Michael Bush pick. I think he pays huge dividends in 2008, as we see Rhodes and Jordan battle for their careers in 2007. Pre-injury, Michael Bush was a no-brainer 1st Round talent. As long as his leg heals properly, and the Raiders ease him back into the game, he should have a fine career starting in '08. Not sure what they were thinking taking the TE in the 2nd Round, though.

That questionable pick in such pricey territory lends to an overall grade of a B-.

Ed Note: You may wonder what I've been doing the last few days, and why I'm getting other people to write for this site. All I can say is, if you were as lazy as I am, you would too.