The FUFL season is in full gear and that means Rankings of Power. This week we've got an unlikely winner of the More Idiot Than Savant Award, a halftime showstopper, and a way to stop those demon voices you've been hearing. Plus a preview of the Commissioner's dietary habits.
Image Source: Yahoo!
2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - To be honest, you should be washing Plaxico Burress' ass. Hell you should be waxing it and buffing it every hour on the hour and put it prominently on display in your home. Antonio Gates also put on quite a show and probably deserves to have his posterior polished in some sort of way. And judging by this pile of legal injunctions and cease-and-desist orders, Frank Gore and Tom Brady aren't into that kind of thing so don't bother asking. The real question is if this team has the kind of staying power to keep it an FUFL leader. It's built like a playoff team, but not a championship team - if only because of how streaky the rest of its players are. However, you won't be suffering a crippling bye week this season and will be poised to exploit other teams' vulnerability. As a former political operative, that should come easy to you. As a Republican, you will also enjoy it.
3. Cin City (BM) - I think instead of a projecting a number for Manning, it should just read, "a jillion." That would be more accurate. With a stud performance from Addai, this team will live and die with the Colts but that's probably OK by them. Although according to a poll of my neighborhood vagrants, It's not as good as living and dying by Colt 45, which "makes the killing voices yell softer." After putting up monster numbers Thursday night, it was thought impossible anything could happen between then and Tuesday morning that would earn you a loss. Perhaps next week you will start Ronald "Runs right thru ya" Curry when you face another formidable opponent in Die Nasty. You're going to need some extra points as Manning will be partially handcuffed by Die Nasty's #1 WR.
Makes the Killing Voices Yell Softer.
And gets you drunk too.
4. The Pile On Guys (MW) - There's no other way to describe it: This team got piled on. And on and on and on. What seemed like a sure thing disappeared faster than Lance Briggs from a crime scene. Only difference here is that you can't get up and walk away from crashing your vehicle. The stunning performance by the Minnesota D kept you in this, but pedestrian efforts by the Bulge and Vernon Davis kept you shy of the few points you needed. You're looking good for Week 2, but Week 3 will spot you against the current points leader while your skill players are all on the road. Perhaps the Pile On Guys should stop expecting to be handed wins because of his first draft pick and instead bear down and claim the mantle of greatness. Like when I decided that there could only be one true ring-bearer, and seized the cherry Ring Pop from that 4th grader. It looks like a giant ruby! I got so much tail that day. I mean... uhh greatness. I got so much greatness that day. Especially in my kitchen.
5. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This week's score was good enough to beat the majority of FUFL teams, and will continue to be as long as Cincinnati keeps winning. Week 2 should see the same production as Cincy goes against Cleveland, so perhaps your opponent will try some desperate moves (like starting Brady Quinn) or just be lulled into a completely unsubstantiated confidence that this is the week Maroney peels off a few 50 yarders. Either way, the Week 2 victory will be less about who performs well, as it will be who choked. You may peel off a win this week, but weeks 3, 4, and especially 5 all look like they are going in the loss column. But this week was pretty good, so maybe that will be the happy memory that sustains you through a rough patch. My happy memory? The time I romanced Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Simpson (also known as Jessic-A-Trois 2004) while surrounded by televisions that replayed the Red Sox historic comeback against the Yankees, and then won the lottery seven separate times the next morning. But hey, you won a fantasy football game that one time. Good for you.
THE HALFTIME RANKINGS SPECTACULAR
This week: Facts that May Only Interest Peter King But Are So Desperately Meant to Also Interest Me:
- In the FUFL, The Vick-themed team count is down to one.
- At the time of this posting, Houston, Cincinnati, and Indy - all defenses that gained 20+ points - are still on the board.
- The Definition of "Douche" is in the eye of the beholder. Who apparently is a douche.
- I saw a guy on the street this rainy morning - all wet with no umbrella. Bet Norv Turner knows that feeling.
- Somebody get that guy an umbrella.
6. stop nagging me now (MS) - Now that you've been thoroughly disturbed by that gorilla playing drums, perhaps you are ready to look at your RB corps from this week. Stephen Jackson's line: 58 yards for 18 carries with two fumbles against the Carolina Defense. Cedric Benson's line: 49 yards on 19 carries. These are lines even a coke fiend wouldn't touch. The good news is that Randy Moss is still very much Randy Moss, and Marshawn Lynch showed real durability. This team will surely rise in the rankings, with a decent schedule ahead and no terrible bye week disaster looming. The recent addition of the Giants backup RB should be a good addition to your team at the expense of the dumbass who drafted Jacobs. That reminds me - fuck you in the ear.
7. Die Nasty (CR) - Not exactly an auspicious beginning to a dynasty, was it? You failed to break 100pts - which is almost always a must in this league, and managed to bench two of your top performers. What's odd is that most of your starters come from really shitty teams. They are excellent players, sure, but Ten, Ari, Was, Det (I still say they will suck it this season like a Hilton on a dare) - these are not elite sqauds. Perhaps Cooley will get worked into the offense more, but this is going to be the team that requires the most on-the-fly rebuilding. But don't worry, dear Treasurer. At least you're fucked in Week 8.
8. The Caged Bengal (CL) - The only team to score under 100pts and get a win. This team had wrapped up before the Sun night games. Everything after that was just gravy. Lucky for this team was that both receivers went over 100 yds with scores; Wayne's multiple TD's and Javon Walker's inspired playing because a guy died in his arms. By that logic, I should be the best football player alive, because so many men have died in my arms. My hugs are lethal, you see. Before the Delicate Giant that is Brandon Jacobs went down, this week's biggest disappointment was Crumpler, which in turn means Joey Harrington. There is hope that Maroney got more touches than an alter boy even if he couldn't gain more than 72 yds against the Jets run defense. That reminds me, which is a worse sign: that Heath Evans got the goal line touches or that Brandon Jacobs is already injured? You may pull the forks from your eyes before answering.
9. Original Gangstas (RM) - There is nothing original about getting spanked like a naughty boy. It's actually quite common and sometimes necessary according to Senator Larry Craig. The McNabb-Brown combo - while fulfilling your duties to have a Philly Combo - is 100% stale, moldy, and might have some mouse turd on it. You are in the unenviable position of needing everyone to meet their Yahoo! projections just to stay competitive. Next week you are ripe for a pummeling from the Pile on Guys, and a shrewd trade or two is needed to save your season already. So OG's whatchoo gon' do? You gon' play the game or get played? You out there grindin' and doing what you do, and then you get got by the little bitch who almost didn't even step up until the last second? And next week, sucka gon' jus' pop yo ass in street in front of your crew. Muthafucka gotta represent or step aside. In related news, I am so so so so white. Like porcelain really.
10. Xian's 115th Dream (CJ): Owner of the other biggest combo bust: Colston & Rivers combined did not put up even a combined 10 pts. And you managed to leave over 60 pts on the bench. The good news is, this team looks like it has the kind of week to week consistency that outlasts other teams' injuries (except Portis of course) and wins FUFL championships. So there. You finally have another kind of consistency to be proud of. Please stop sending daily pictures of your morning dump. We get it, you like corn. The bad news is your schedule totally blows. So if Week 1 isn't a good showcase of your strength, what does Week 2 offer? Outlook not so good. Your new starting QB, premier WR, TE, and two of your RB's are going against good defenses, while your Kicker's offense can't even get into field goal range. Your opponent's team has an easier schedule next week, so we're predicting an 0-2 start before things get going. Through week 5 this team will be 1-4, and have its pants full of corn.
