Rankings of Power: Week 10

Aaaaaand we're back. After extensive rehabbing of this site's AGASL (Anterioir Give-a-Shit-Ligament), YFTS is back and ready to mock you in paragraph form - complete with tired celebrity references and the kind of sexual deviance that you've not only come to expect, but that is also wildly inappropriate for your workplace computer. I must also say that while laid up with the AGASL injury, I used the free time to tap my artistic side. And your mom. I totally tapped your mom. Ahhh it's good to be back. This week we have our first playoff spot clinched, Nickelback welcomes a team into its fold of douchebaggery and one of you has that gross yet irresistible band-aid smell. Also Ben Franklin gets totally pwn3d.


1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - The Plumbers got an easy win over the now 2-9 OG's. Randy Moss will be back in Week 11, bumping Shaun McDonald and his negative 15 yards rushing back to the bench. The WR corps is the only weak spot on this team, now that Vinny T is hucking the ball in the general direction of Steve Smith. Moss easily compensates for the lack of production (he's been involved in 84% of the Pats plays so far) and the host of RB's waiting in the wings will keep the flex spot filled throughout the playoff. The Plumbers can put any WR in there just for shits (which is technically what Shaun McDonald is anyway). You may be lauded for clinching the first FUFL playoff spot, but may we remind you that comes with a price. A price of rooting for the New England Patriots - whose members account for a whopping 20% of your total points. Sure, you may root for the Bills this weekend, but every time Randy Moss scores, and every JP Losman/Edwards INT - a part of you will be happy. Rugs on Valium will put up a fight this week and you need all the points you can get. You can get your homerism on with Marshawn Lynch, but we all know you've sold your soul to the devil for FUFL glory.

2. Mailer's Provocateurs (MW) - Despite the french sounding name, this team has surrendered but once in the last 8 weeks (and that was a barn-burner). But a new, metaphysical challenge awaits in the OG's who inexplicably OWN the Provocateurs, despite their lack of success elswhere in the FUFL. History does not seem likely to repeat itself, as the MP's roster is Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-stacked for week 11. We will note that except for the kicker, the OG's entire roster (at time of this typing) is at home for week 11, while the MP's for the most part are on the road. Post OG's, the schedule looks favorable for this team, especially if Adrian Peterson returns in time for the playoffs. Some are already oepnly questioning if Peterson will be a more hesitant runner, or have to change his style due to a knee brace. However, if I recall my historical facts, remember when Forrest Gump had those knee braces on and then ran so fast his 'magic' leg braces came apart and he outran a truck of hooligans? That was awesome.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This team has been consistent all season, thanks to a decent draft and a shrewd roster-assault on Cin City (you got Addai for a random Chicago TE, Earnest Graham, and Donald Driver? Holy shitballs). That's why we are happy to bestow the YFTS
Nickleback Award to the Dogpound. On the commemorative plaque, the inscription reads,

"This award is presented to the FUFL team who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere at once; given in recognition of constant production, and the kind of inexplicable continued success that annoys the shit out of me."

I sat down at my computer to find Nickelback lyrics that summed up your team but everytime I tried to, my neighbor would start thumping against my walls telling me to 'stop that fucking screaming.' Neighbors. Gah. This week's biggest issue is choosing the right roster among your rmany options. With Selvin Young and Chester Taylor (Ed Note: traded for Torry Holt? Fuck.) both at your disposal as starters, there's almost too much RB talent to squeeze into the 3 spots. Perhaps you'll put Maroney in there to have a match up against Jamal Lewis, and achieve some kind of cathartic release that makes you feel good about that turd of a trade. I usually get someone to choke me while naked in an elevator, but whatever works for you. Freak.

Congratulations, MVDP. Welcome to our elite Hall of Mega-Mediocrity.

4. Angel Lusters (CL) - I know what you are thinking, "How the hell does this team belong here, leapfrogging over teams with better records and way more consistency?" Well, I'll tell you young lady - the Angel Lusters have dropped over 160 points on its opponents two weeks in a row, while your "better teams" are all struggling to stay at .500 on the season. This team is all about power right now and has two weeks of momentum behind it. And finally, as Margaret Thatcher famously said, "Smell my taint." (Fun Fact: There is a controversy about this quote because she said it in that funny British accent where you drop the 't' at the end, so no one knows if she said taint or tayne or tain, or something else. True Story). This team is the typical FUFL team that kind find its gear until its too late. Just a few weeks ago, in an attempt to come back too early from the aforementioned AGASL injury, we wrote of this (our) team, "The Angel Lusters have blah blah blah basically this game made me want to die. After getting hollowed out by Brett Favre with an 82 yard TD pass to lost last week, I just want to lay down and get used to this." And two weeks later, we're at #4. After this week's loss to MVDP, we're back to the basement. The sunlight... it burns.

5. Cin City (BM) - If this team considers trading Addai away as a 'retarded' move, then trading Adrian Peterson for 3 players who collectively aren't going to immediately make your team better (or play at all for that matter), makes you this guy:

There's something about this team that keeps us paying attention. Like a band-aid that's been on too long, you keep smelling it even though it's totally gross. But there's something about that smell - unlike any other - and perhaps that's what brings us back time and time again. The idea of novelty even in a chaotic environment. The chance for healing. The knowledge that your body will repair itself and that when given the chance, it defaults to a place of comfort and goodness. On the other hand, your wound may be totally infected and the smell is actually rotting flesh succumbing to the same kind of bacteria that makes you trade Addai and Peterson for Chad Johnson, Donald Driver, Kenny Watson, and Priest Holmes (you're better off pretending that Greg Olsen and Earnest Graham were never part of the mix. It makes you look idiotic). Maybe we're being too quick to judge here. After getting bent over a barrel time and time again, does the wood begins to smooth over and actually become quite comfortable?

6. Kool Aid Maroney (DP) - One a three game losing streak is rough, but the seeds of this were planted in week 6 - which was the last time this team put up a big point total. Since then, Kool-Aid had a close win over a lousy team, and three terrible defeats. Which is worse - losing by a half a point or not cracking 90 for two straight weeks? To be sure, this team is still capable of breaking through a wall, shouting "Oh Yeahhhhh!" to an amused gang of kids who seem not to care that a talking pitcher of juice just smashed the wall in. Your studs of the past are being put out to stud in the present (you see what I did there? Please send Nobel Prize to Literachure to YFTS, c/o the chief. kthxbai!). The 49ers QB's are terrible to the point where the run game can't be set up, and your WR situation is pretty lousy. I'm sure both you and Bridget Moynahan are praising the lord that Tom Brady is back on the field. You've got a tough matchup against Xian Drools, who demonstrated a resurgence in last week's loss. The playoffs are fast approaching and a continued losing streak will keep you out of the playoff hunt for sure. The Good news is you'll have plenty of opportunity to blog about it on your blog where you bloggity blog on blogging about blogs that blog their blog or something. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, because I don't know what that word means. Is that some sort of Hippo gang? Like the Bloods and the Crits or something? Nature's funny.

7. Rugs on Valium (WG) - We'll be honest. Teams 7-9 are basically tied for 7-9th place. This list could be totally switched around and would still be accurate for a litany of reasons that pierce with truth. If you were desperate, and looking for filler, you might even call these reasons Litany Spears.

*Awkward Silence*

Ahem. Anyway, the Rugs have cobbled together a 2 game win streak with a roster of players who otherwise aren't terribly remarkable. Trading Torry Holt for Chester Taylor acknowledges a hole in the running game - especially as Marion Barber and Julius Jones continue to split carries for no earthly reason other than for Wade Phillips to fuck with you. You are likely to give the number one team a run for its money, seeing as Joey Galloway should matchup well against Atlanta, and every TD by Wes Welker at the flex spot will be an emotional irritant to your opponent. YFTS is once again picking RoV despite the historical fact that every time we pick them for an upset, they lose. Seriously - it's such a fact you can look it up in big thick books - ummm right here between Ben Franklin helping Marty McFly get back to the future from the past/future and the exact height and weight of Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was fucking HUGE).

8. Xian Drools (CJ) - Sorry dood. This team had a nice win in Week 9 and though they lost, XD put up the second best score of Week 10. Why not higher in the rankings considering earlier this season he defeated his next three opponents? That's a good question. The short answer is: this is not the same team it was in those early weeks. And too many things need to go right to pull it off. Bulger needs to revive from the dead, Andre Johnson needs a quality QB (Sage Rosenfels will have a rough time going forward. Mark my words). Santonio Holmes is no longer the new "It-Girl" on the Steelers. There are some good signs in Shockey getting open and holding onto the ball, Colston waking up from his coma, and Portis being injury free through 10 weeks. But without those freakish numbers that John Kitna was putting up at the beginning of the season, you'll probably win one out of your next three. Given the resurgence of the teams above you, that might not be enough for an FUFL playoff spot. It is good enough for a hug. C'mere buddy. Awwww that's it. You're safe now. You're safe. Papa isn't gonna let anyone hurt you no more.

9. Die Nasty (CR) - Yahoo has you at 6th, yet here you are dubbed within odor distance of the OG's. How has that come to pass? Well until your season point total has a comma in it, you will be here at the bottom. Die Nasty has won some squeakers, and since mid season has been alternating weekly between wins and losses. The injuries to Harrison and LJ are just devastating going forward - as you have missed out on some key points the last two weeks that would decide any tie-breakers. Assuming you put Stallworth in for Berrian, this week is not an impossile matchup, but Roddy White in the flex spot is gonna kill you. It hurts to look at. You know when you see punks all pierced and tattooed up and you wonder "why would someone do that to themselves?" That's what Roddy White is. And he's piercing your balls.

10. Original Gangstas (RM) - The good news for the OG's is they have a history of FUFL victory over the Provocateurs. The bad news is pretty much everything else. Sure your roster is at home, but is Shaun Alexander gonna get you more points nailed to the bench at home? Is Willis McGahee and the entire Baltimore RB corps going to rack up more points if Billick ignores the passing game at home? We'd like to see Warrick Dunn in at the flex spot for sure this week. We'd also like see the historical streak against the Provacateurs continue. It's more important than ever this time, because I don't think we can get in touch with Benjamin Franklin to go back to the future. His phone number is unlisted I heard. For a Founding Father, he seems kinda like a little bitch, huh?

Marty McFly is about to lose his constitution.

FUFL Rankings of Power: The Third Week

After three weeks we finally have stats that can technically be described as 'averages'. This week is more of the same: dead clowns, car accidents, and possible criminal endangerment of children. Plus Mike Tyson hits broadway, someone almost snaps Minnie Driver's neck, we tell a ghost story, and see the power of Jesus' forgiveness. Also, FUFL-related content - as filler mostly.

Update: The Nancy Kerrigans are now The Angel Lusters. Discuss.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Quick Quiz: which of these three are impossible to argue against: a 3-0 record, one of the lowest DPSHT's in the league, or a drunken clown lying on the street? The answer: all three.* Even with his opponent's best lineup, he still
would have been victorious. As the new leader in Rankings of Power, the Plumbers have shown that in the FUFL, they are more than capable of cleaning your pipe. However, before we go crowning the Plumbers just yet, let's keep in mind that opponents are averaging just 89 pts against him, the lowest in the league. He's also beaten the occupants of 5th, 9th, and 10th places. In two of those games, the Plumbers put up decent numbers (125+), but his next three games are coming up against teams whose losses average 116, 121 and 111. Not exactly pushovers. This week's matchup against Cin City will be one of the toughest yet, especially if Cedric Benson stays in your lineup. Keeping him in means you trust Brian Greise to resemble an effective quarterback to keep the defense honest. Look, I'm all for trust. But it's a two way street. One with flashing lights, a DO NOT ENTER--- BLASTING! signs, a bridge that's collapsed into a river of piranhas, and the road's all gravelly. But hey, how bad could it be?
*Trick question, the clown is dead in this scenario.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - Add Kevin Curtis to the list of players who require your gentle but firm servicing. Even a decent performance by Curtis wouldn't have been enough to win this game for you, but the 45 pt day overwhelmed your opponent and managed to outshine Curtis' fellow Iggle teammate, Brian Westbrook both on the field and in this FUFL matchup. This team is averaging over 130 pts per win, and losing opponents are putting up roughly 123 pts against him. This week, a big test against a top 3 team with Jones-Drew out of the lineup. We're predicting the manager will move Williams to the RB spot and put Darrell Jackson into the flex - then cross his fingers around each other twice. However, a good day for his "Usual Suspects" and he'll be bursting through this one like he was at a kid's roller hockey game.



By the way, don't be like Kool-Aid Guy. NEVER serve your own fluids to random children. Even in a glass.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - Bush stepped up as requested but Travis Henry stepped down. The Dogpound lost a close game to Cin City, but had both teams put in their optimal lineup, the Dogpound still would have lost. The Dogpound is averaging over 130 points per game - well above the 113 league average. But like the Plumbers, has not really faced the tough teams at this point. The quick pickup of Steven Jackson's replacement, Brian Leonard, seems like a good one. Keepin in mind that Leonard hasn't proved himself yet - so is it wise to start him just because he's a starter? Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis and Donald Driver are going against good defenses (Baltimore is questionable), but you've got an unknown against a Dallas D that is finally asserting itself and is playing at home. You regretted benching Driver earlier. Me? I regretted benching Minnie Driver. The sheer weight of her gigantic head almost broker her neck. It's like a bowling ball on top of a toothpick, I tell you.

4. Rugs on Valium (WG) - I know, I know. On a two game losing streak, while the Commish is clearly surging. But we're talking about strength of schedule here, and RoV has gone through three of the highest scoring teams in the league. And optimal lineup against optimal lineup, he would have won this week's game. We'll leave it to this week to let the 4 and 5 spots battle it out for supremacy themselves. And right now it doesn't even look close (the Commish has been known to pull things off before, but usually that happens in dark, silent corners of subway bathrooms). The key is to exploit the matchups in this game, which RoV looks to be doing. You could lose this week, but it would take a colossally bad performance to ruin this. We're talking something in the neighborhood of Mike Tyson performing the Vagina Monologues bad here. Man, I love Broadway.

5. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Two games in a row. Like an exotic dancer who doesn't understand I am not, under any circumstances buying her a drink, you just are trying to shove it in my face. This week's bye is proving troublesome, as Portis was just starting to get on a roll. Shaun McDonald in the flex spot is as much a mystery as the flex spot itself. He could be Kevin Curtis from week 3 or he could be Kevin Curtis. Slowly but surely, teams are breaking down Jon Kitna on film and realizing he's basically an older version of Rex Grossman, minus the sexual bravado. Lions receivers numbers will, like your dignity, continue to wither away over the course of time until people have forgotten they even existed. That's what I heard anyway.

Halftime Interesting Facts
Only 4 teams had a higher score in Week 3 than in Week 2.
In Weeks 1 and 3, Cin City had the exact same score - 127.70 (one win, one loss)
One manager's full name also spells: Rank Men in Cab

6. The Pile(d) on Guys (MW) - Looks like this team is ready to emerge from the pile and go back to its winning ways. Projected at a whopping 136, PoG is looking at a cakewalk over Die Nasty to get back to .500 on the season. While that's a nice projection, PoG is only averaging 116 pts per game - a mere 3 pts above league scoring average. Much of that reason is LT is still over-projected every week even though his fantasy production is less than that of Derrick Ward, Clinton Portis, Ronnie Brown, and Joseph Addai to name a few. This week we may see his return, as Kansas City has just been terrible against nimble running games. But San Diego isn't playing KC 12 more times this year, so LT's once reliable production looks less and less like something you wanna hang your hat on. But fear not, bceause midgets are still good for that. You just take a midget or two (stack 'em) and make him keep his arms open wide, and viola - hat rack! You know what, I'm sorry - that's offensive and demeaning. I meant little people. In a related note, I hear they grant you wishes if you shake them.

7. Cin City (BM) - How is a team this good on paper ranked 7th? We think that's gonna change this week and you'll give the Plumbers' their first loss. You have good matchups across the board, and last week was a good demonstration of what your team is capable of even if Manning has an off day (off day = not throwing for 70+ TD's in a quarter). Even in an optimal vs optimal lineup last week, Cin City would have taken out the Dogpound. Opponents are only averaging 89 points against the Plumbers, which speaks to the softness of the leader's schedule up to now. As for yours, your schedule doesn't get any easier until Week 7, but you could put up a nice win streak from then on. Week 5 will be tough with your bye situation and the fact that your other RB's are fighting off injuries. But we're pulling for you Cin City; in that 'we're-not-really-pulling-for-you' kind of way.

8. The Angel Lusters (CL) - Formerly The Nancy Kerrigans, this team has gone from worrying about the many knee problems of its roster to accepting its fate. While there were signs of life this week - all of it from Westbrook - this was probably just a case of angel lust before going into the dark quiet of FUFL oblivion. Which we guess is fine. We're so used to being at the bottom we know exactly how we like the basement set up; where the TV should go, how we like the chairs arranged, and which corner should be used as the bathroom and which should be the Corner of Unending Sadness. Of the bottom three teams, this is the only one putting up an average of over 100 pts per game (105), but the schedule for this team has been a murderer's row - with opponents putting up roughly122 pts per game. The Lusters have yet to put up 122 pts in a game this season. This week's matchup against the OG's looked better last week - but now with Westbrook looking iffy and Javon Walker's knee resembling a grapefruit, this win could be snatched away like Week 3's Kevin Curtis Explosion. Ed Note: If I happened upon Kevin Curtis burning in the street and had a hose primed with water, I would set up a sign next to him that said, "Car Wash and Burning Kevin Curtis - $4!" What can I say, I'm just a natural aunt-re-prenoor or whatever you call it. I'm a businessman, not a fucking frog.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - After the upset of the Pile(d) on Guys, we thought we might see something special happen to the OG's this season. McNabb is certainly paying off, but the rest of your starters are not exactly reliable. Johnson's injury might prove fatal this week, with Watson ready to run in his stead. You might find solace in the fact that you've faced three of the toughest teams in the FUFL, but does that change a thing? It's like that story in the bible about when Jesus, tired and thirsty, happened upon a goat herder whom he asked for some spare milk. The herder explained to Jesus that he would like to give him some, but had barely enough for his wife and infant sons. Jesus looked at the man, and then touched his goat. Immediately the goat swelled with milk and exploded. One by one the entire herd exploded and all of the milk seeped into the ground. Jesus then laid his hand on the herder and said "I forgive you, brother" and then melted his brain. So you see - the herder lost all his milk, but it didn't make a difference because his brain got melted. I think my point is clear. Wanna know something else? In Week 2 you put up 102.70 and this past week you put up 107.20. That's totally spooky; like a ghost story - but of numbers.

10. Die Nasty (CR) - You know what 92 is? It is a depressing age. It is BAC on Saturday nights. It is the number of Devil Dogs Kirstie Alley keeps in her pockets. It is not however, an acceptable average score for the FUFL. How this team is even 1-2 is an unknown. It doesn't bode well that you've been leaving needed points on the bench - and even in that case it's not enough. Along with the OG's Die Nasty has yet to crack the 300 pt mark on the season totals (278) and remains a full 20 pts below league scoring average, and its average loss is 20 pts below the league losing average (104). It reminds me of a phrase that a crazy drifter once told me. Well technically he threw up all over my back, but I think I learned something that day. Anyway, the bad news is that you're at the bottom now. The good news is you are in a great position to fix up the basement for me anticipating my arrival. Please make sure the pillows are properly fluffed up, and that my collection of Highlights for Children is on the coffee table. That Goofus always makes so much trouble for Gallant!