Best Birthday Present Ever

If I'm Tom Brady, and I am (in a way*), then I probably want to downplay the whole, My-hot-literate-ex-girlfriend-is-gonna-have-my-shorty story whenever I can. That's going to be tough, seeing that it looks like his first kid is going to come out from under center on the same day his baby is born:

ALL'S not well with Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. While the two have put up a happy front for the cameras - and his family is even said to be flying out to Italy to spend time at the villa in Rome she recently acquired - our spies say Bundchen is upset that Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, is due to give birth to Brady's son on Friday - Bundchen's birthday. The tension has grown so intense that the couple fought openly in front of hotel guests in Napa while staying at the five-star Auberge du Soleil.

Man, that is some shitty luck. Who knows, maybe he can make the best of it. Maybe when the baby comes out he can quickly put a bow on the little tyke and be like, "Hey Gisele, I got you this new baby for your birthday! Happy Birthday sweetie! You said you always wanted one!" And then when she's not looking, replace it with a puppy. She probably won't even know the difference.

For a more intimate view of the whole thing, perhaps you should just go straight to the source, cause the baby's got a blog.

In the end though, we will share a day of birth - an important day for each of us that acknowledges our entrance to the human world and into circumstances that define who we are and who we are to become. It is a singular association that cannot be erased, like the scar upon young Harry Potter's head that forever connects him to the evil Lord Voldemort. Only in this case, Voldemort is a rapidly aging, uneducated and emaciated Brazilian minx, who breathes through her mouth and is likely mentally handicapped. Seriously, she would bust out a booty-dance when Taps is played at a military funeral. Oh zeez hoarns! Oh how zey cauz me to wiggle ze boom-boom!

I like this kid.

*I am Tom Brady in the way that I am also Enid Fellsworth and Morris Ackerman - straight up identity theft.

Oh Mandy

via With Leather

I'm Gonna Hit That Flex Spot, Baby

So Devin "100 Speed" Hester is going to switch to offense for the Chicago Bears next season. When reached for comment, several NFC defenses shat themselves en masse. ESPN has the story:

"I think Devin Hester is one of the most exciting players in the NFL with his hands on the football," Smith said. "I think he would be an excellent defensive back also. We just feel that this is in the best interest of us and him for him to achieve his full potential as a football player."

The Bears plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season. Hester will work with the wide receivers at minicamp and will also line up in the backfield at times.

"It's going to be a great experience," Hester said. "I'm just going to go over there and try to give a little spark to the offense. There will be more opportunities to make big plays and I think it's a great idea."

Smith said he is anxious to see what Hester's best fit will be. In the early going, Smith said Hester could be valuable as a running back, slot receiver or even as a single receiver in their two-tight end, two-running back packages.

Holy Crap. This is the ultimate flex player for any fantasy team this season. A WR/RB who may even still return kicks. I think I need to change my pants. I think I need to change your pants. I have said in the past I would consider drafting a kicker in the first or second round this year, based on the fact that (I drink a lot?) many of them eventually rack up more fantasy points than some 2nd tier RB's, but now.... Hester is a legitimate 3rd round gamble that could seriously pay off. And not like a 'Remember when the Redskins used Chris Cooley as a TE/RB?' thing. That designation alone saved my season two years ago. Then they moved him to just TE, and he defecated all over my team for 8 weeks.

When shown a preview of Devin Hester's backside,
NFC defenses asked, "There's a frontside?"

The best part is, Hester is going to have a running start going at the endzone from now on, with fewer players in front of him. He'll be unstoppable. But then again, it's the NFC - a bunch of fuzzy bunnies released from their cages will still put up 17 against teams like Minnesota and Detroit.

All in all, this whole scenario reminds me of the time I had to oil wrestle all of those sexy, chesty supermodels nonstop for 3 days in order to save the world with my chiseled abs. Why am I reminded of that? Because I haven't stopped thinking about anything else since. You could throw a baby panda off of a rooftop and it would still stir happy recollections of those fateful 72 hours. I don't mean to brag here, but I am a god among men.

Shady Ladies

If you've got time to kill (and if you're reading this, you do), I strongly urge you to wander over to Kissing Suzy Kolber, where you can see what happens when women are not seen, but heard. The women of Ladies... took over KSK because they won a bet (stupid NCAA) where the winner won posting privileges to the loser's site for a day.

Half of the comments are KSK readers giving them props for their witty ways, while the other half is those same guys awkwardly hitting on those theiving harlots. Just sad. I don't know what makes me immune to their siren song. Maybe it's my tantric sex awards, maybe it's my baby panda rescue service, or it could just be my volunteer work for chiseled abs anonymous. I don't know. I mean, I'm like the rest of these guys, I'm not a superhero or anything. Well at least not anymore. I gave up my powers for true love.