A Three Hour Tour

After sending profane text messages to his girlfriend, Bears LB and Paris Hilton vector Brian Urlacher has been ordered to a three hour parenthood class:

A judge has ordered Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and the mother of his toddler to take a three-hour parenting class. Urlacher and his ex-girlfriend, Tyna Robertson, are in a legal battle over Urlacher's parental visits with his 2-year-old son, Kennedy.

I can't imagine what this class will be like. They'll probably just show the Steve Martin movie Parenthood - but with a runtime of only 125 minutes I'm not sure what they'd do for the balance of the class. Although.... maybe it takes longer because you have to stop it so many times due to sustained and uncontrollable laughter (It's Keanu Reeve's best work).

Other suggested topics:

• Why you shouldn't shoot each other in front of the child
• Strategies from removing your son's head from the oven (how does he get in there!?)
• Slapping does not equal Hugging
  
• How this is all Rex Grossman's fault

But seriously folks, three hours? That's it? Feral Dogs spend more time learning to care for their young. I haven't been this disappointed in a judge since I had to surrender my "World's Most Flawless Body" crown because my eyes were ruled to be 'performance enhancers'. They sparkle like a bejeweled sea, full of hidden vulnerability and a mysterious, sexy past you know.