FUFL Power Rankings Week Three

After a bye week of their own, the Power Rankings return this week with new teams in front, old teams in back, and a story about the little porn-star-that-could. Plus multiple references to San Franciscans, Mushin Muhammed plays his game the way it oughta be played, and the Commissioner travels to claim a family fortune.

1. Up and Atom – To quote Dolly Madison, “Holy fuck.” This team came 0.73 points from breaking 130 pts three weeks straight. The only thing I’ve broken three weeks straight is the record for “beds-wetted” (which stands at 4. Ladies, call me!). The real difference maker here is WR Jackson - for the past two weeks, he’s been projected near 11 pts and delivered 20 (roughly 45% beyond expectation). The real test for supremacy comes next week against Rocky Mtn High – who will have LJ going against a San Franciscan team that plays…. like a bunch of San Franciscans. You might as well change your team’s name to “Up and In Them.” But then, you might be confused for a “San Franciscan” yourself.

2. Playmaker$ - Welcome to your first loss of the season. If it feels lousy, don’t worry. If it feels like you have been manhandled and violated in every opening, then stop hanging out at truck-stops. The comparison of Chester “Hoss” Taylor to Priest Holmes (from last week) is starting to come true: Taylor got as many TD’s as Holmes did this week. So did Frank Gore (reminds me of Lawrence Taylor) – who looked like he was running behind a San Franciscan O-Line. Which he was. And will be. All season. The QB issues continue; the selection of Fav-re while necessary, is sad because it’s almost as much of a weekly gamble as starting Brunnell. Nice, you’ve moved from the craps table to the roulette wheel, and put your chips on #4 green. I did that once and risked everything, but they told me to stop coloring the table numbers green or they’d take my raffle tickets and report me to Chuck E. Cheese security (which is some sort of giant cat I assume). True story.

3. Rocky Mountain High – It’s not just your skills that would make John Denver jealous. It’s also the fact that - well - you’re alive and well. The strength of this team is evident, but questionable managerial calls are mounting - Like benching Hasselbeck against the Giants D in favor of Kurt Warner against anybody (including his former team). With LJ back in the rotation, next week’s matchup against Up and Atom is the Game of the Week. This is not to be confused with the Game of the Weak – that’s Buckeye’s vs. OG’s. The Pittsburgh D is on bye next week, so it will be interesting to see if RMH decides to play without a D, or drop one of its players (probably Clayton) who will surely be picked up by a struggling team (number 9, number 9, number 9).

4. Hurricane Loftus – Welcome to the top of the middle. The Loftii are becoming a cliche rags-to-riches story: Team starts out in the dumps, full of self-loathing. Team moves to Hollywood, has numerous auditions and meetings (even a few screen tests), but inevitably has to start stripping to make ends meet (see Owens, T.O & Bledsoe, Drew). Things start working out –meets a nice but shady guy who takes them under his wing, only we’ll see later how he drags them back down (see Grossman, Rex & Manning, Eli). Perhaps, this team will rise above it all and become a full fledged adult industry star, but for right now, be happy as fluffer-apprentice. Did I say rags-to-riches? I meant rags to dirty bitches. In related news, I need to get laid.

5. Raging Runzas – When Runzas rage, even they can take down the darlings of the FUFL. To really look at how lopsided the victory was this week, the Runzas had the victory locked before their defense or primary WR took the field Monday night, and without an RB – all the while, still leaving 26 points on the bench. Roy Williams caught more balls than a fluffer-apprentice and fucking Javon Walker scored some TD’s too I heard (my eyes were too busy bleeding). The Runzas are set to roll the Deciders next week but then enter a stretch of playing the FUFL elite. The team is on the cusp of turning into its former self: a yeasty pocket with a filling consisting of: beef, cabbage or sauerkraut, onions, seasonings, and several football teams. Take out the onions, and “Ta Daaa!” You’re Paris Hilton! Wait for it…….. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

6. Buckeye’s Revenge – When the smart decision is starting David Carr, it’s time to reexamine your lineup. It’s like that time I explained to my boss the possibility she is both pregnant AND fat – it seemed unwise at the time, but…. well, according to the terms of my plea deal, I actually am forbidden to comment further. Other than that she may have been a sperm whale who could talk. The point is here that Maroney will clearly see the ball more than Dillon and I think I might have been working at the aquarium. Oh, and I see that “What the Fuck?! With Your Host Mushin Muhammed!” is going nicely, as you benched him and he lit it up. Make sure you start him next week and enjoy your tour of scents through the feces-strewn streets of India…

7. Xian’s Crusaders – England may be jolly, but we’re willing to bet the manager of this team is not. Alexander’s broken foot leaves this team’s RB’s lonelier than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitsvah. To make it worse, the backup RB is not available, because Jones is off snogging British girls of questionable dental hygiene, while others have pounced on his misfortune (that’s what the British ladies call it too). The real question is not if we can get T.O on the cover of Madden every year, but rather simply this: have you looked up Davy Jones and proclaimed yourself the rightful heir to his Monkees fortune? You should totally do that.

8. Deadskins – Not a bad week, but not getting better fast enough. It’s time to pull Foster in favor of TJ HeOfManyConsonants. Stephen Jackson turned in a performance worthy of Cadillac Williams and so did Cadillac Williams. A close game next week looms next week against the Playmaker$, but it’s hard to tell since you both have ineffective Miami players in the lineup. The ‘Skins have a lot more players at home, so perhaps you can eek out a win over a team led by Fumblin’ Frank Gore (should we call Michael Robinson the Guy Who’s Gonna Get Gore’s Goal Line Touches or just GWGGGGLT for short?). It should probably concern you that your kicker is your leading scorer, but then again people tell me all the time I should be concerned about things. Like the sucking chest wound I gave myself for fun. Or that my chiseled looks can maim if not outright kill. Mostly the first one though. Mostly.

9. I’m the Decider – This week the Decider’s manager was in DC hollering at Congress and was too damn tired to notice anything, especially that Stallworth was not going to play. With Arm-Killin’ Corey Dillon’s apparent injury, Willie Parker will serve as the main back – leaving the possibility that neither will be in next week because of Parker’s bye. The Decider already concedes next week to the Runzas, but finds solace in relating the following information to the Commissioner of the FUFL: Take lots of pictures in England. Especially of the famous clock. That way you can see a Big Ben that works with precision, timing, and doesn’t throw multiple INT’s or have a season points total of 0.70. Because once you get home, that’s all you’ve got.

10. Original Gangstas – The OG’s have completely given up on the season. That is the only way to explain leaving someone in on their bye, and carrying two shitty kickers and two shitty defenses. You know, I could go out and drink Sam Adams Oktoberfest and then take a crap on my desk at work, shave my asshair and set fire to it all - and it still would not smell as bad as this team. Well technically, I couldn’t do that - but I could if I took another crap on my desk. I’m already using the first one.