Your Fantasy Team Sucks

FUFL Power Rankings for Week 3

2008-09-19T13:30:00.012-04:00

Week 2 of the FUFL is done and gone and teams are now beginning to separate themselves from each other. This week Yahoo takes a game away, nobody appreciates hand-crated jewelry, and Heidi Montag finds her way in the lineup. Also, Kim Kardashian sits on the bench, a Care Bear faces drug addiction, and one owner learns why - ultimately - his infant daughter is to blame.

If it looks fuzzy to you, try not sniffing your highlighters at work so much.

1. Pile On Guys (mw) - In Week 2, the Pile on Guys were neck and neck in an important Division Game right up until Monday Night Football. Then the Guys, as Osi Umenyiora does nightly to his girlfriend's chest, "Piled on." Barber and Romo BFF4EVA Witten came up huge for the POG's and cemented themselves as the far away leader in the Weaver Division and definitely the team to beat in the FUFL right now. Next week's match up against the turd-laden Gold Diapers should be a cake walk. With the addition of Sproles, the POG's have their usual cadre of running backs in Kim Kardashian mode - taking up 4/5ths of any bench.

2. Cin City (bm) - Similar to the way I approach any pile of love-starved supermodels in my bedroom, Cin Cidy started at the bottom and worked its way to the top of the rankings all the while demonstrating impressive stamina. Dropping 160 pts in Week 2 without anything from your QB is impressive. And if Palmer finds his stride, surely Cin City will be an FUFL force to be reckoned with. The Keys to Week 2 were Boldin and Westbrook combined with a strong Defense showing by Green Bay. After the week 3 contest against Bigfoot's Rubber this week, Cin City won't be seriously tested until week 7. With two division wins, Cin City is taking advantage of every opportunity to distance itself early on. Sort of like his friends do to him in public.

3. Brady's Knee (ms) - First this team lost, and then Yahoo corrected the stats, and then Brady's Knee wins. This should have been a clear, classic case of "tough taters." Ed Hochuli doesn't get to fix his mistake. The Chargers don't get a game back, but Brady's Knee gets a win courtesy of the Seattle Defense stat error? No. Way. This is an outrage. Strongly worded letters shall be composed and emailed to Yahoo! interns. With the tainted victory, Brady's Knee moves to an easier game in week 3 and then a more difficult game in week 4. Expect this flip flopping to continue well past the election season.

4. Bigfoot's Rubber (cl) - Ever the classy loser, this true gentleman took his stat-corrected loss in stride. And once the smoke cleared, the hostages released, and the judge paid off, things settled down. After decent performances up and down the roster, the weak spot turned out to be the Charger D - posting a negative 1pt. An abysmal 5 or 6 points could have won this game, but no. So instead of taking a 2-0 record into the buzzsaw of Cin City and the other upper tier teams, the Rubbers are going to have to use exceptional match-up awareness to string together some wins. Speaking of stringing things together, can you believe the guy at the jewelry store wouldn't buy the necklaces I brought in for appraisal? I used only the most precious and purest dried macaroni, imported from Italy and strung by hand. Some people have no taste.

5. Puke and Rally (wa) - More Rally than Puke in Week 2, but a formidable Week 3 awaits. More formidable than the projections seem to indicate. Neither Coles nor Shockey have shown they deserve the numbers they have - even with the nice matchups. That goes especially for Gore. 23 Points is ludicrous. He's more likely to have 23 injuries this week than fantasy points. But other than that, this team looks solidly built and has a decent schedule throughout. But we've said that every year about this team and just like Kirstie Alley, it never works out.

6. HopeMongers (xj) - Up until Monday night, the HopeMongers had a sliver of hope. Now they are just mongerererreerers. And with lingering injuries already to Braylon Edwards and Adrian Peterson, hope may not be enough - you may need CHANGE. YFTS recommends a blockbuster trade now, instead of your annual huge week 9 trade. Your lineup is what experts call a Heidi Montag Lineup. One that looks really good in all the right places upon first glance, but after even brief examination, makes you want to stab stab stab it and prevent it from ever releasing another music video let alone an entire album. So you can make a decent trade now, or maybe try what Spencer Pratt should have done along time ago - Jump off a building into a pile of razorblades and lemon juice. Just a thought.

7. Original Gangstas (rm) - Week 2 saw great improvement for the OG's but unfortunately was on the receiving end of a 160 pt bitch slap. We're expecting a win this week for the OG's but at 0-2 it's already do or die for the OG's. Every year this team gets more depressing. It's like watching a Care Bear with a raging meth addiction - it's a shell of itself, is often desperate, and every now and then steals a win. Plus even though mostly harmless, it could still hurt you because it's a bear, right? Also, you're hairy. The power of my analogies knows no bounds.

8. Country First (sc) - We're still not sure you actually won a game, but Yahoo! seems convinced, so we'll go with it for now. Week 2 gave you a gift as the 84 pts posted could only beat one team - which happened to be the one you were playing. The return of Stephen Smith may help you out, and it looks like you took the necessary step of replacing Peyton Manning with Jay Cutler. Think about that right now. Jay Cutler over Manning is a no brainer. I've seen shit less crazy than that after licking toads for an hour. The problem for you is just when you figured out your lineup, you are coming up against some of the better teams in the FUFL. And let's be honest, until you post a score over 100 pts, everyone is excited to see Country First on their schedule. You get that warm fuzzy feeling - like the one you get when you see old friend. And then you get to pummel that deadbeat's face into the sidewalk until it looks like a wet raisin. What can I say, I'm a softie.

9. Rocky Mountain High (cr) - New Rule: no one has to pay their dues to you until you win a game. How you bench Eddie Royal for Roy Williams in Week 2 makes me question your brain functionality. You got screwed by McGahee not suiting up the first game, and now Hurricane Ike benched him again. I'm pretty sure it was God's way of benching both teams out of disgust. He truly is an Awesome God. I think it was Ecclesiastes where he said,

"And Lo, the LORD said 'The Ravens and Texans are fucking miserable to behold. If they ever come together, people are going to start wondering if I know what the fuck I'm doing. Fuck this game. Junior, turn on the sprinkler.' And it was GOOD."

Should you fix the McGhahee situation, you have a shot against a reeling OG's. I know I give you a lot flak, but don't concede the season just yet. Week 5. Then it's over.

10. Gold Diapers (dp) - Having a baby is the single most effective way to ruin your FUFL season. The best part of your team is that we get to see Yahoo!'s cool new feature: the Random Vernon Davis Projection Generator. 9.54? Why the fuck not!? This team is in dire need of an RB - perhaps one of the many on the staff of this week's opponent? Laurence Maroney is probably the worst RB in fantasy football. By every measure, he should be out there killing it. Instead, he's used sparingly, can't get a rhythm, and is apparently made of stage-glass. Until you get rid of him, you're going to be just like every other Maroney-owner - caught on video with your pants down while attempting to make love to the grill of your truck.

I hate it when that happens. Mostly because once the truck gets pregnant you have to pay child support. Do you have any idea how much gas is these days? I knew I should have hooked up with that Hybrid instead. Damn it all.

Effed in the A (FUFL Week 1)

2008-09-11T16:35:00.006-04:00

Welcome back FUFL. This is the first Power Rankings and there's already a huge shuffle from the conventional wisdom of the preseason. Basically ever important fantasy player was hurt in week 1 - and it left at least one owner asking why his QB couldn't have just gone missing with a loaded weapon instead of tearing two knee ligaments. This week Sammy Morris becomes the permanent vulture, We forsee throwing buckets of beer at one owner in particular, and we relate our own personal story of an adrenaline-filled left turn. Plus supermodels have been sexed and street urchins have shit wiped on them. Pretty standard stuff really.

1. Bigfoot's Rubber (CL) - This team came out in week one like a team scorned - winning by over 72 points. Holy schnikes. That's more than Country First's total. The solid numbers posted by Brees and Willie Parker carried this team but ultimately it was the performance turned in by Sammy Morris that energized this team. With a renewed focus on the running game this season, Morris owners are well positioned - he is the ultimate vulture for Maroney on first through third downs and especially at the goal line. When Maroney is at home with a lady friend, Morris comes in from foreplay to right before cuddling. The Week 2 match up against Brady's Knee presents a ripe opportunity to take down the only real threat in the Youhas Memorial Division. It also represents a chance to exact revenge on one who enjoyed watching the shimmer of the NFL get a little bit duller with the injury of one Thomas Brady. YFTS even took a moment to pour out a 40oz full of crystal and the sweat of recently-sexed supermodels onto his marble floor in honor of this fallen hero. Mourn ya till we join ya.

2. Puke and Rally (WA) - It's not a question of who failed you (everyone except Gore, Michael Turner in the flex, and your defense) but of who failed you most? Bulger who barely pulled more points in a game than Tom Brady did in 8 minutes of one season? Holmes, Colston? Actually the one who failed you most was YOU. Leaving Favre vs Miami on the bench was the worst idea ever. I can see why you might leave edge on the bench b/c you had more faith in Gore's ability to dominate the game, but QB vs Miami is a no brainer. You rallied to just under 2 pts away from a needed Division win. That's enough to make anyone want to puke. I'm not sure how Shockey got the points he did. Does Yahoo add a few on there for games he doesn't quit on his team and sulk from the owner's box?

3. Pile On Guys (MW) - This team is stacked with talent, but only barely cracked 100pts. That will probably change with Bowe taking a WR spot and Fargas taking over for Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis. The bad news is that leaves you as the guy who cares about the Oakland v KC game. If someone were to ask me to turn the game to Oak-KC I would throw my beer at them. Then the rest of the bottles. Then the ice in the bucket. Then the bucket. The Minnesota D almost lost you the contest, so the addition of the Arizona D was necessary. The real question is what to do when TJ Housh is still tanking at week 3? If you said "punch a cop!" you're right!

4. Hopemongers (XJ) - Like most years, this team looks like an early contender for the playoffs. With Romo, Edwards, Plax, and Adrian Petersen, it's hard to see you losing week after week. The undoing of this team will be its weakness at TE now that Young has the crazies and did not show an interest in throwing to Crumpler, like the smart person who told to get him for that exact reason advised you. With Matt Ryan surpassing initial expectations beyond EPIC FAIL, Roddy White lingers as trade bait for a decent tight end. Then again, the Hopemongers may decide to keep him so they can boast the most Whites on their roster. Racist.

5. Brady's Knee (MS) - Artfully named team, though gives new meaning to the term Knee-Jerk. YFTS's only solace is that you have Wes Welker taking up space in your lineup. You gonna bench him for Berrian?? or Reggie Williams??? of course not. But who else is out there? You gonna get someone off the waiver wire? This team generally puts up decent numbers and is a threat at anytime, but the truth is the loss of Brady hurt you and you know it. Maybe you can trade one of your shitty RB's. Or maybe you can just eat shit and die. Whichever.

Interdivision Play Summed up in a Picture

6. Country First (SC) - Welcome to the FUFL. Here's an introductory video providing insight into your FUFL experience. In this scenario, the chick is the FUFL, and you are the dude. And everyone else is the gang of dudes beating the crap out of you saying "How can YOU slap?!!! FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!" Good for you for trying to fight back against the bitch though. Kudos.

Anyone else find it interesting that the mob members swear in English?

Your country may come first, but your team was dead fucking last this week. Hey, at least you can always look to this link (when signed into the league page that is) and remember one day when a neurotic overly-informed windbag made an irrational statement about your team's prospects.

7. Gold Diapers (DP) - This team is amazing - in 2006. Though the RB situation this year is particularly distressing - with every Larry Johnson carry you can actually hear his bones creaking and spinal fluid dripping from his ears. Lee Evans will enjoy fucking with you throughout the season, so that should be fun. If Randy Moss was wasted on this team before, he's now just another decent receiver, which is not what you need. Your diapers may be golden, but the fact that you need diapers is the larger issue.

8. Original Gangstaz (RM) - This may be the highest the OG's get this year. The Gangstaz are in a deep division and their inter-division prospects do not look favorable. And this is the first time in many years you don't have a combo to rely on/drag you down. You don't even have a tandem. How you have McNabb on your roster without another decent QB to plug in when he gets hurt in week 4 or 5 is beyond me. Look, I'm an adrenaline junkie too, but even I take precautionary measures in my thrill seeking. One time I was at a busy intersection that clearly stated "No Left Turn b/w 4pm and 6pm" But you know what? I had some where to be, so I took the risk. But unlike you, I used my signal! And that made all the difference. True story.

9. Cin City (BM) - After placing 2nd in 2008, Cin City starts the year placing 2nd to last in the first FUFL Power Rankings. With the turd-tastic cobo of Palmer and Utecht, expect great things for this team. Great shit-covered things, that smear to the bottom of your shoe and fail to come off - even when you wipe off your shoes vigorously on the nearest street vagrant. Greg Jennings lived up to the hype but that's mostly because teams have so little film on Aaron Rodgers at this point. At least Denver had something to review on McFadden (and it showed). Once teams figure out Rodgers (next week) expect a fall-off in Jennings' production. This team has a strong WR lineup, but no one dependable week in and week out. It's like when I go into Applebees - I know there is a hot chick who works behind the bar, but I can never pin down what her schedule is with any regularity. Some days she's there, some days she isn't and it's ridiculously frustrating to waste your time waiting for her to show. That's why I'm going to give her this tracking anklet. I'm such a cheesy romantic!

10. Rocky Mountain High (CR) - For week 1, a visual aid might be needed to fully demonstrate the level of FAIL your team achieved:

You lost your best player 8 minutes into your season, and Willis McGahee didn't even put his uniform on. Chad Jochocinchonson put his uni on but might as well have sat out too. Now you have to go up against one of the stronger teams in your division (and the entire league). Add to that nobody has paid their dues yet.

Return of the FUFL (again)

2008-09-05T13:22:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, I woke and knew something was different. I had dreamed of newness and rebirth; where my head achieved a clear state and I felt deep rest. Upon waking up I realized the FUFL Draft had taken place where grown men kept talking about their stupid babies and I pulled out clumps of hair in my sleep after drafting an already-injured Kevin Curtis. Welcome back FUFL, good bye hairline. The following PSA should be shown before every FUFL season, as it is the perfect metaphor for how this league works. Sure it offers you a brief respite from the summer camp that is your life, but before you know it, you're doing dirty smack in a windowless room while a crying Amy Poehler tries to lick you. And that's just week 3.

This year the FUFL moves into the uncharted territory of being a PLUS league and all the bells and whistles that affords the idiots in this league - many of whom are routinely distracted by bells, whistles, pretty colors, and blinking lights already. And that's just while driving. With the PLUS status, the format also changes to Division Play each balanced with past winners and losers. Mostly losers. We have the Weaver and Youhas Memorial Divisions - nostalgically named for two former FUFL managers who think they are better than the rest of us. To honor their memory we mock them in a forum where they are unable to defend themselves. That truly is the FUFL way. And as with any loss, someone is bound to benefit from cloudy grief-riddled decision making, and with that we welcome Team Chance to the FUFL fold. Way to take advantage, ass. Let us know if this cuts too much into your more reliable grifting of elderly widows and disabled veterans.

As an added bonus for us PLUS people, there is this handy little page, which does all that fancy math YFTS brutally abuses year after year. Paying someone else to think for you is a proven strategy for success. But the fact that you all paid someone else to think for YFTS, well I am just flattered at how much you want YFTS to succeed.

The season holds much promise: upsets, ridiculously painful injuries to opponents starters, not paying the treasurer, perhaps we will even have a live blog or two. But just know this. the FUFL and YFTS is back. Enjoy the games this weekend, because once the games end and the season really begins, you can do no right.

Rankings of Power: Week 10

2007-11-13T14:09:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaand we're back. After extensive rehabbing of this site's AGASL (Anterioir Give-a-Shit-Ligament), YFTS is back and ready to mock you in paragraph form - complete with tired celebrity references and the kind of sexual deviance that you've not only come to expect, but that is also wildly inappropriate for your workplace computer. I must also say that while laid up with the AGASL injury, I used the free time to tap my artistic side. And your mom. I totally tapped your mom. Ahhh it's good to be back. This week we have our first playoff spot clinched, Nickelback welcomes a team into its fold of douchebaggery and one of you has that gross yet irresistible band-aid smell. Also Ben Franklin gets totally pwn3d.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - The Plumbers got an easy win over the now 2-9 OG's. Randy Moss will be back in Week 11, bumping Shaun McDonald and his negative 15 yards rushing back to the bench. The WR corps is the only weak spot on this team, now that Vinny T is hucking the ball in the general direction of Steve Smith. Moss easily compensates for the lack of production (he's been involved in 84% of the Pats plays so far) and the host of RB's waiting in the wings will keep the flex spot filled throughout the playoff. The Plumbers can put any WR in there just for shits (which is technically what Shaun McDonald is anyway). You may be lauded for clinching the first FUFL playoff spot, but may we remind you that comes with a price. A price of rooting for the New England Patriots - whose members account for a whopping 20% of your total points. Sure, you may root for the Bills this weekend, but every time Randy Moss scores, and every JP Losman/Edwards INT - a part of you will be happy. Rugs on Valium will put up a fight this week and you need all the points you can get. You can get your homerism on with Marshawn Lynch, but we all know you've sold your soul to the devil for FUFL glory.

2. Mailer's Provocateurs (MW) - Despite the french sounding name, this team has surrendered but once in the last 8 weeks (and that was a barn-burner). But a new, metaphysical challenge awaits in the OG's who inexplicably OWN the Provocateurs, despite their lack of success elswhere in the FUFL. History does not seem likely to repeat itself, as the MP's roster is Jennifer-Love-Hewitt-stacked for week 11. We will note that except for the kicker, the OG's entire roster (at time of this typing) is at home for week 11, while the MP's for the most part are on the road. Post OG's, the schedule looks favorable for this team, especially if Adrian Peterson returns in time for the playoffs. Some are already oepnly questioning if Peterson will be a more hesitant runner, or have to change his style due to a knee brace. However, if I recall my historical facts, remember when Forrest Gump had those knee braces on and then ran so fast his 'magic' leg braces came apart and he outran a truck of hooligans? That was awesome.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This team has been consistent all season, thanks to a decent draft and a shrewd roster-assault on Cin City (you got Addai for a random Chicago TE, Earnest Graham, and Donald Driver? Holy shitballs). That's why we are happy to bestow the YFTS
Nickleback Award to the Dogpound. On the commemorative plaque, the inscription reads,

"This award is presented to the FUFL team who is seemingly everywhere and nowhere at once; given in recognition of constant production, and the kind of inexplicable continued success that annoys the shit out of me."

I sat down at my computer to find Nickelback lyrics that summed up your team but everytime I tried to, my neighbor would start thumping against my walls telling me to 'stop that fucking screaming.' Neighbors. Gah. This week's biggest issue is choosing the right roster among your rmany options. With Selvin Young and Chester Taylor (Ed Note: traded for Torry Holt? Fuck.) both at your disposal as starters, there's almost too much RB talent to squeeze into the 3 spots. Perhaps you'll put Maroney in there to have a match up against Jamal Lewis, and achieve some kind of cathartic release that makes you feel good about that turd of a trade. I usually get someone to choke me while naked in an elevator, but whatever works for you. Freak.

Congratulations, MVDP. Welcome to our elite Hall of Mega-Mediocrity.

4. Angel Lusters (CL) - I know what you are thinking, "How the hell does this team belong here, leapfrogging over teams with better records and way more consistency?" Well, I'll tell you young lady - the Angel Lusters have dropped over 160 points on its opponents two weeks in a row, while your "better teams" are all struggling to stay at .500 on the season. This team is all about power right now and has two weeks of momentum behind it. And finally, as Margaret Thatcher famously said, "Smell my taint." (Fun Fact: There is a controversy about this quote because she said it in that funny British accent where you drop the 't' at the end, so no one knows if she said taint or tayne or tain, or something else. True Story). This team is the typical FUFL team that kind find its gear until its too late. Just a few weeks ago, in an attempt to come back too early from the aforementioned AGASL injury, we wrote of this (our) team, "The Angel Lusters have blah blah blah basically this game made me want to die. After getting hollowed out by Brett Favre with an 82 yard TD pass to lost last week, I just want to lay down and get used to this." And two weeks later, we're at #4. After this week's loss to MVDP, we're back to the basement. The sunlight... it burns.

5. Cin City (BM) - If this team considers trading Addai away as a 'retarded' move, then trading Adrian Peterson for 3 players who collectively aren't going to immediately make your team better (or play at all for that matter), makes you this guy:

There's something about this team that keeps us paying attention. Like a band-aid that's been on too long, you keep smelling it even though it's totally gross. But there's something about that smell - unlike any other - and perhaps that's what brings us back time and time again. The idea of novelty even in a chaotic environment. The chance for healing. The knowledge that your body will repair itself and that when given the chance, it defaults to a place of comfort and goodness. On the other hand, your wound may be totally infected and the smell is actually rotting flesh succumbing to the same kind of bacteria that makes you trade Addai and Peterson for Chad Johnson, Donald Driver, Kenny Watson, and Priest Holmes (you're better off pretending that Greg Olsen and Earnest Graham were never part of the mix. It makes you look idiotic). Maybe we're being too quick to judge here. After getting bent over a barrel time and time again, does the wood begins to smooth over and actually become quite comfortable?

6. Kool Aid Maroney (DP) - One a three game losing streak is rough, but the seeds of this were planted in week 6 - which was the last time this team put up a big point total. Since then, Kool-Aid had a close win over a lousy team, and three terrible defeats. Which is worse - losing by a half a point or not cracking 90 for two straight weeks? To be sure, this team is still capable of breaking through a wall, shouting "Oh Yeahhhhh!" to an amused gang of kids who seem not to care that a talking pitcher of juice just smashed the wall in. Your studs of the past are being put out to stud in the present (you see what I did there? Please send Nobel Prize to Literachure to YFTS, c/o the chief. kthxbai!). The 49ers QB's are terrible to the point where the run game can't be set up, and your WR situation is pretty lousy. I'm sure both you and Bridget Moynahan are praising the lord that Tom Brady is back on the field. You've got a tough matchup against Xian Drools, who demonstrated a resurgence in last week's loss. The playoffs are fast approaching and a continued losing streak will keep you out of the playoff hunt for sure. The Good news is you'll have plenty of opportunity to blog about it on your blog where you bloggity blog on blogging about blogs that blog their blog or something. You can call me a hypocrite all you want, because I don't know what that word means. Is that some sort of Hippo gang? Like the Bloods and the Crits or something? Nature's funny.

7. Rugs on Valium (WG) - We'll be honest. Teams 7-9 are basically tied for 7-9th place. This list could be totally switched around and would still be accurate for a litany of reasons that pierce with truth. If you were desperate, and looking for filler, you might even call these reasons Litany Spears.

*Awkward Silence*

Ahem. Anyway, the Rugs have cobbled together a 2 game win streak with a roster of players who otherwise aren't terribly remarkable. Trading Torry Holt for Chester Taylor acknowledges a hole in the running game - especially as Marion Barber and Julius Jones continue to split carries for no earthly reason other than for Wade Phillips to fuck with you. You are likely to give the number one team a run for its money, seeing as Joey Galloway should matchup well against Atlanta, and every TD by Wes Welker at the flex spot will be an emotional irritant to your opponent. YFTS is once again picking RoV despite the historical fact that every time we pick them for an upset, they lose. Seriously - it's such a fact you can look it up in big thick books - ummm right here between Ben Franklin helping Marty McFly get back to the future from the past/future and the exact height and weight of Clifford the Big Red Dog (he was fucking HUGE).

8. Xian Drools (CJ) - Sorry dood. This team had a nice win in Week 9 and though they lost, XD put up the second best score of Week 10. Why not higher in the rankings considering earlier this season he defeated his next three opponents? That's a good question. The short answer is: this is not the same team it was in those early weeks. And too many things need to go right to pull it off. Bulger needs to revive from the dead, Andre Johnson needs a quality QB (Sage Rosenfels will have a rough time going forward. Mark my words). Santonio Holmes is no longer the new "It-Girl" on the Steelers. There are some good signs in Shockey getting open and holding onto the ball, Colston waking up from his coma, and Portis being injury free through 10 weeks. But without those freakish numbers that John Kitna was putting up at the beginning of the season, you'll probably win one out of your next three. Given the resurgence of the teams above you, that might not be enough for an FUFL playoff spot. It is good enough for a hug. C'mere buddy. Awwww that's it. You're safe now. You're safe. Papa isn't gonna let anyone hurt you no more.

9. Die Nasty (CR) - Yahoo has you at 6th, yet here you are dubbed within odor distance of the OG's. How has that come to pass? Well until your season point total has a comma in it, you will be here at the bottom. Die Nasty has won some squeakers, and since mid season has been alternating weekly between wins and losses. The injuries to Harrison and LJ are just devastating going forward - as you have missed out on some key points the last two weeks that would decide any tie-breakers. Assuming you put Stallworth in for Berrian, this week is not an impossile matchup, but Roddy White in the flex spot is gonna kill you. It hurts to look at. You know when you see punks all pierced and tattooed up and you wonder "why would someone do that to themselves?" That's what Roddy White is. And he's piercing your balls.

10. Original Gangstas (RM) - The good news for the OG's is they have a history of FUFL victory over the Provocateurs. The bad news is pretty much everything else. Sure your roster is at home, but is Shaun Alexander gonna get you more points nailed to the bench at home? Is Willis McGahee and the entire Baltimore RB corps going to rack up more points if Billick ignores the passing game at home? We'd like to see Warrick Dunn in at the flex spot for sure this week. We'd also like see the historical streak against the Provacateurs continue. It's more important than ever this time, because I don't think we can get in touch with Benjamin Franklin to go back to the future. His phone number is unlisted I heard. For a Founding Father, he seems kinda like a little bitch, huh?

Marty McFly is about to lose his constitution.

NFL LOL Can Haz a Secrets

2007-10-10T09:57:00.000-04:00

Grimey's got LOLJocks. Kissing Suzy Kolber has NFL Post Secret. But what about NFL LOL Post Secret? Yeah, I know. What about it.

Photos courtesy of AP Photos and Getty Images

Site Update - I Need a Hug

2007-10-05T09:35:00.000-04:00

Your Fantasy Team Sucks is going to be taking a hiatus from all non-FUFL postings for awhile, as I seek to influence the content of Hugging Harold Reynolds. They are gaining respect and readership among the sports blogosphere, and I think I am just the person to put an end to that. I am sure you will agree.

I think the move will provide me the release from the glass cage of emotion I have built for myself. As you can see here, it has its drawbacks:

FUFL power rankings will continue of course, and at least now I have an excuse for not updating them until Fridays.

ALDS Prediction: Red Sox in... a Bar

2007-10-03T14:41:00.000-04:00

After securing the AL East Division win, the Red Sox celebrated in true, humbled form. Players calmly walked onto the field, tipped their caps to the home crowd, signed autographs for every person there, and then held several minutes silence in honor of our armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan and kids with cancer. That's what really happened. It just appeared that the place went apeshit and a champagne-soaked Jonathan Papelbon removed his pants while performing an irish jig. According to Science-y Stuff in My Head (a medical journal written by yours truly), you saw what you wanted to see, you hedonistic pants-less ass.

The Red Sox then sauntered to a local watering hole, and thanks to some guy named Brandon, we have photographic proof that they responsibly provided revelers with beverages; quenching their thirst for libation and competitive triumph:

Rookie of the Year Candidate Dustin Pedroia leads a prayer to Jesus. Or gasps for air after another huge shot of bourbon - where he's an established veteran.

Coco Crisp screams sweet nothings at her face

Coco Crisp spies another opportunity. This one strapless.

Clay Buchholz shows the proper way to consume a shot. That's pinkie OUT playaz.

Clay Buchholz next demonstrates the intoxicating feeling of moderation.
And how to look out of one eye while trying not to puke.

And what are the Angels doing? Probably practicing and staying hydrated. Bitches.

UPDATE: Grimey over at loljocks does it his damn self.

FUFL Rankings of Power: The Third Week

2007-09-26T16:46:00.001-04:00

After three weeks we finally have stats that can technically be described as 'averages'. This week is more of the same: dead clowns, car accidents, and possible criminal endangerment of children. Plus Mike Tyson hits broadway, someone almost snaps Minnie Driver's neck, we tell a ghost story, and see the power of Jesus' forgiveness. Also, FUFL-related content - as filler mostly.

Update: The Nancy Kerrigans are now The Angel Lusters. Discuss.

1. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Quick Quiz: which of these three are impossible to argue against: a 3-0 record, one of the lowest DPSHT's in the league, or a drunken clown lying on the street? The answer: all three.* Even with his opponent's best lineup, he still
would have been victorious. As the new leader in Rankings of Power, the Plumbers have shown that in the FUFL, they are more than capable of cleaning your pipe. However, before we go crowning the Plumbers just yet, let's keep in mind that opponents are averaging just 89 pts against him, the lowest in the league. He's also beaten the occupants of 5th, 9th, and 10th places. In two of those games, the Plumbers put up decent numbers (125+), but his next three games are coming up against teams whose losses average 116, 121 and 111. Not exactly pushovers. This week's matchup against Cin City will be one of the toughest yet, especially if Cedric Benson stays in your lineup. Keeping him in means you trust Brian Greise to resemble an effective quarterback to keep the defense honest. Look, I'm all for trust. But it's a two way street. One with flashing lights, a DO NOT ENTER--- BLASTING! signs, a bridge that's collapsed into a river of piranhas, and the road's all gravelly. But hey, how bad could it be?
*Trick question, the clown is dead in this scenario.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - Add Kevin Curtis to the list of players who require your gentle but firm servicing. Even a decent performance by Curtis wouldn't have been enough to win this game for you, but the 45 pt day overwhelmed your opponent and managed to outshine Curtis' fellow Iggle teammate, Brian Westbrook both on the field and in this FUFL matchup. This team is averaging over 130 pts per win, and losing opponents are putting up roughly 123 pts against him. This week, a big test against a top 3 team with Jones-Drew out of the lineup. We're predicting the manager will move Williams to the RB spot and put Darrell Jackson into the flex - then cross his fingers around each other twice. However, a good day for his "Usual Suspects" and he'll be bursting through this one like he was at a kid's roller hockey game.

By the way, don't be like Kool-Aid Guy. NEVER serve your own fluids to random children. Even in a glass.

3. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - Bush stepped up as requested but Travis Henry stepped down. The Dogpound lost a close game to Cin City, but had both teams put in their optimal lineup, the Dogpound still would have lost. The Dogpound is averaging over 130 points per game - well above the 113 league average. But like the Plumbers, has not really faced the tough teams at this point. The quick pickup of Steven Jackson's replacement, Brian Leonard, seems like a good one. Keepin in mind that Leonard hasn't proved himself yet - so is it wise to start him just because he's a starter? Jamal "Laws Jail Me" Lewis and Donald Driver are going against good defenses (Baltimore is questionable), but you've got an unknown against a Dallas D that is finally asserting itself and is playing at home. You regretted benching Driver earlier. Me? I regretted benching Minnie Driver. The sheer weight of her gigantic head almost broker her neck. It's like a bowling ball on top of a toothpick, I tell you.

4. Rugs on Valium (WG) - I know, I know. On a two game losing streak, while the Commish is clearly surging. But we're talking about strength of schedule here, and RoV has gone through three of the highest scoring teams in the league. And optimal lineup against optimal lineup, he would have won this week's game. We'll leave it to this week to let the 4 and 5 spots battle it out for supremacy themselves. And right now it doesn't even look close (the Commish has been known to pull things off before, but usually that happens in dark, silent corners of subway bathrooms). The key is to exploit the matchups in this game, which RoV looks to be doing. You could lose this week, but it would take a colossally bad performance to ruin this. We're talking something in the neighborhood of Mike Tyson performing the Vagina Monologues bad here. Man, I love Broadway.

5. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Two games in a row. Like an exotic dancer who doesn't understand I am not, under any circumstances buying her a drink, you just are trying to shove it in my face. This week's bye is proving troublesome, as Portis was just starting to get on a roll. Shaun McDonald in the flex spot is as much a mystery as the flex spot itself. He could be Kevin Curtis from week 3 or he could be Kevin Curtis. Slowly but surely, teams are breaking down Jon Kitna on film and realizing he's basically an older version of Rex Grossman, minus the sexual bravado. Lions receivers numbers will, like your dignity, continue to wither away over the course of time until people have forgotten they even existed. That's what I heard anyway.

Halftime Interesting Facts
Only 4 teams had a higher score in Week 3 than in Week 2.
In Weeks 1 and 3, Cin City had the exact same score - 127.70 (one win, one loss)
One manager's full name also spells: Rank Men in Cab

6. The Pile(d) on Guys (MW) - Looks like this team is ready to emerge from the pile and go back to its winning ways. Projected at a whopping 136, PoG is looking at a cakewalk over Die Nasty to get back to .500 on the season. While that's a nice projection, PoG is only averaging 116 pts per game - a mere 3 pts above league scoring average. Much of that reason is LT is still over-projected every week even though his fantasy production is less than that of Derrick Ward, Clinton Portis, Ronnie Brown, and Joseph Addai to name a few. This week we may see his return, as Kansas City has just been terrible against nimble running games. But San Diego isn't playing KC 12 more times this year, so LT's once reliable production looks less and less like something you wanna hang your hat on. But fear not, bceause midgets are still good for that. You just take a midget or two (stack 'em) and make him keep his arms open wide, and viola - hat rack! You know what, I'm sorry - that's offensive and demeaning. I meant little people. In a related note, I hear they grant you wishes if you shake them.

7. Cin City (BM) - How is a team this good on paper ranked 7th? We think that's gonna change this week and you'll give the Plumbers' their first loss. You have good matchups across the board, and last week was a good demonstration of what your team is capable of even if Manning has an off day (off day = not throwing for 70+ TD's in a quarter). Even in an optimal vs optimal lineup last week, Cin City would have taken out the Dogpound. Opponents are only averaging 89 points against the Plumbers, which speaks to the softness of the leader's schedule up to now. As for yours, your schedule doesn't get any easier until Week 7, but you could put up a nice win streak from then on. Week 5 will be tough with your bye situation and the fact that your other RB's are fighting off injuries. But we're pulling for you Cin City; in that 'we're-not-really-pulling-for-you' kind of way.

8. The Angel Lusters (CL) - Formerly The Nancy Kerrigans, this team has gone from worrying about the many knee problems of its roster to accepting its fate. While there were signs of life this week - all of it from Westbrook - this was probably just a case of angel lust before going into the dark quiet of FUFL oblivion. Which we guess is fine. We're so used to being at the bottom we know exactly how we like the basement set up; where the TV should go, how we like the chairs arranged, and which corner should be used as the bathroom and which should be the Corner of Unending Sadness. Of the bottom three teams, this is the only one putting up an average of over 100 pts per game (105), but the schedule for this team has been a murderer's row - with opponents putting up roughly122 pts per game. The Lusters have yet to put up 122 pts in a game this season. This week's matchup against the OG's looked better last week - but now with Westbrook looking iffy and Javon Walker's knee resembling a grapefruit, this win could be snatched away like Week 3's Kevin Curtis Explosion. Ed Note: If I happened upon Kevin Curtis burning in the street and had a hose primed with water, I would set up a sign next to him that said, "Car Wash and Burning Kevin Curtis - $4!" What can I say, I'm just a natural aunt-re-prenoor or whatever you call it. I'm a businessman, not a fucking frog.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - After the upset of the Pile(d) on Guys, we thought we might see something special happen to the OG's this season. McNabb is certainly paying off, but the rest of your starters are not exactly reliable. Johnson's injury might prove fatal this week, with Watson ready to run in his stead. You might find solace in the fact that you've faced three of the toughest teams in the FUFL, but does that change a thing? It's like that story in the bible about when Jesus, tired and thirsty, happened upon a goat herder whom he asked for some spare milk. The herder explained to Jesus that he would like to give him some, but had barely enough for his wife and infant sons. Jesus looked at the man, and then touched his goat. Immediately the goat swelled with milk and exploded. One by one the entire herd exploded and all of the milk seeped into the ground. Jesus then laid his hand on the herder and said "I forgive you, brother" and then melted his brain. So you see - the herder lost all his milk, but it didn't make a difference because his brain got melted. I think my point is clear. Wanna know something else? In Week 2 you put up 102.70 and this past week you put up 107.20. That's totally spooky; like a ghost story - but of numbers.

10. Die Nasty (CR) - You know what 92 is? It is a depressing age. It is BAC on Saturday nights. It is the number of Devil Dogs Kirstie Alley keeps in her pockets. It is not however, an acceptable average score for the FUFL. How this team is even 1-2 is an unknown. It doesn't bode well that you've been leaving needed points on the bench - and even in that case it's not enough. Along with the OG's Die Nasty has yet to crack the 300 pt mark on the season totals (278) and remains a full 20 pts below league scoring average, and its average loss is 20 pts below the league losing average (104). It reminds me of a phrase that a crazy drifter once told me. Well technically he threw up all over my back, but I think I learned something that day. Anyway, the bad news is that you're at the bottom now. The good news is you are in a great position to fix up the basement for me anticipating my arrival. Please make sure the pillows are properly fluffed up, and that my collection of Highlights for Children is on the coffee table. That Goofus always makes so much trouble for Gallant!

The Mother Flippin'

2007-09-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

The Dreamboat's baby is on the cover of OK! Magazine (the only tabloid openly touting its mediocrity right in the title). I think it's cool the little bugger used this auspicious moment to pull that playground-middle finger move:

I know he was born with balls of brass, but I wasn't expecting to see them on display so early. Personally, I am going with a custom designed display that fits both my lighting and musical concepts. I want a laser show that rivals Pink Floyd concerts, but so far its just a flashlight and the original broadway recording of Hello Dolly! Once my wife loans me the jar containing my balls, it'll kick the whole presentation up a notch or two.

FUFL Rankings of Power - Week the Second

2007-09-21T13:03:00.000-04:00

This week a new stat for dipshits and a child's birthday party gone horribly wrong. Plus there's a job opening in the town of Crapville, and one team can attest to a serious truth: you do NOT fuck with Mr. Snuzzles. Also, some FUFL stuff in there about your team so you can read something about yourself you vain prick.

Image Courtesy of Yahoo!

1. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - The Dogpound jumps to the top from the five spot after dropping the week's high score on a weak-kneed opponent. I've seen street justice knee-cappings more humane than what happened in this game. Palmer threw for 6 TD's and was still the losing QB - his defense fell apart and let a clearly inferior opposition backup QB triumph and bathe in glory. Henceforth, this will be defined as getting "Anderesoned." Tommy Lee and Kid Rock have both experienced this, except they are both bathing in Hepatitis C. Had Palmer a more routine outing, then the game would have been closer, but still a victory. Week 3 sees a close loss, mostly because the Seattle D is so poor against the run (28th) - expect the Bengals to keep the field stretched, but with more reliance on the running game. Driver continues to enjoy frequent looks from Favre in the red zone, and Chris Chambers' numbers were a nice surprise. In this league, decent RB production combined with outstanding WR is a recipe for success. On a related note - a stolen police car, a soothing crack high and a secluded wooded area, mixed with just a pinch of chloroform is a recipe for romance. I'm like the Julia Childs of sexual deviants.

2. Rugs on Valium (WG) - A tough loss in week 2 to one of the few teams that could have withstood the RoV production. This is THE team to beat this year, folks. RoV doesn't rely on one flashy skill player to get it done, and the entire roster is consistently putting up big numbers. Counting points left on the bench and points scored, RoV is posting a whopping 419. The next closest FUFL'er is the Plumbers with 369. The bench is just ridiculous right now, and this is probably the only team that should not make a trade or drop a player for the entire season. While bye weeks are covered nicely, the lone fear for RoV will be injuries: Green, Alexander, Holt, and Jordan have all suffered setbacks in past seasons, limiting their impact. The match-up against the Pile(d) on Guys this week will be a major test, but even with a loss, the next 6 weeks offer a schedule softer than a Democrat's spine.

3. Belichick's Plumbers (MS) - Just like the 2006 season, this team puts up points. And then more points. And then some points after that. Steve Smith went apeshit with 3 TD's, and Randy Moss - arguably the steal of most fantasy drafts - piled up the TD's again. The Plumber's bench continues to show its depth, making this team a formidable opponent against anyone all season, especially those with tough bye week issues (See week 5). Oh, and Derrick Ward turned in another solid outing. So fuck you in the eye. Week 3 looks like another middle-of-the-pack team for you to walk all over - just like you do to the downtrodden. Only in this instance you can't spit on them. Or can you? The speed of new technology is amazing these days. All I know is that while we're pouring our resources into disease research, upgrading our military, and testing how lab monkeys fight robots, someone better get on my online spitting problem. I've got a good loogie coming on that I don't wanna waste.

4. Cin City (BM) - Once every 85 years, Haley's Comet passes within sight of earth. Not to hyperbolize but that happens more often than Peyton Manning putting up 14 fantasy points. You hitched your wagon to the Colts, and as they go so do you. The problem with this arrangement is that when they shit, it smells up your wagon good and thick. I am reluctant to make a prediction because they always come out wrong/opposite. But whatever, uhhh.... expect a close game against the current power leader, but one you will ultimately lose. Although by me saying that, does it make you more likely to win? But then by saying that have I made you more likely to lose? But now win?! Or Lose?! I just posed this same scenario to that crazypants Criss Angel dude who does MindFreak and it caused him to cancel his show because he's seen it all now. You're welcome.

5. Kool-Aid Maroney(DP) - Most of your lineup is on the road for Week 3 preventing you from that second win. In Week 2, once again Brady, Gore and Gates delivered, but it wasn't enough over the Commish. This week, the matchups are favorable but not favorable enough! Your trinity alone cannot save you. The Green Bay D will hold Gates and the Pitt D has an answer for Gore. That puts pressure on the likes of Kevin Curtis and Williams to come up big - which isn't impossible, but hardly the situation you want to find yourself in against an opponent you should clearly have your way with. Also, the Fantasy Gods take offense when you name a team for a player you don't have and then proceed to keep said name when you play against the team who does have the player. It's true. It's like one of the ten commandments or something.

----------------------------------------------------------------

This Week in Numbers
Season Average FUFL Winning Score: 119.34
Season Average FUFL Losing Score: 104.41
Completely Average in Every way: Carson Daly

New Stat: Didn't Play, Sucks Huge Testicles (DPSHT)

First off, points left on the bench are not necessarily bad things. They can show how stacked your team is. Mostly though, they result in a lot of second guessing by managers who realize the outcome of their game would have been different if Player X had been in the lineup and not on the sidelines. In order to address this, YFTS has come up with a stat: the DPSHT %. It is caluclated thusly: Total Pts left on bench/Total Pts accumulated. This should (roughly) show which managers are making the best decisions when it comes to their lineup. The lower the percentage, the better you are. Right now, Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) has the lowest percentage at 19%, followed by The Nancy Kerrigans (21%) and the Dogpound (22%). I could be way off base here - I meant to just post optimal lineup minus actual lineup, but StatTracker doesn't have a history. Maybe that will happen going forward. Maybe it won't. Whatever - I'm the first to admit I'm bad with numbers. For example, I've totally lost count of how many supermodels I banged. Last night.

----------------------------------------------------------------

6. The Pile(d) On Guys (MW) - The Curse of the OG's is remarkable to watch. The OG's could start a fight with a widdle baby bunny wabbit and come away bruised, broken, and covered in wounds. But they are like PoG Kryptonite. Or it might have had something to do with New England owning LT2 and the Chargers again. When is LT gonna be the LT we all know? The answer? Not this week: The Green Bay D has made its case the first two weeks, and Lambeau Field is friendly territory - in both weather and in fans - to the Packers, not so much those classy boys from San Diego. Take note: The other team that has a bunch of back up RB's on its bench is campaigning for Mayor of Craptville. You cannot sit around waiting for others to die off in the FUFL. Good news though, there is an opening for Town Manager in Crapville. And you seem interested. We're calling this one: Rugs by 11.5 (Sorry Rugs, now you're fucked. OR ARE YOU???!!!!!).

The OG's caution you not to underestimate Mr. Snuzzles.

7. Xian's 115th Dream (XJ) - Finally, a Surge that can show measurable results: A 52 point improvement between Week 1 and Week 2. A win over the OG's would catapult you in power rankings, but right now your total lineup points are too low, and you are the owner of the second highest DPSHT rating: 35%. Yowza. And if you lose to the OG's this week, well then Mr. Snuzzles is just the beginning of your worries. Kitna, even with divine intervention is showing his Kitna-itis (4 TD's 3 INT's), Colston is a ghost, and with the rest of your squad (except for Johnson and Parker) you never know what the hell will happen. Johnson did his best Steve Smith impression, pulling in two scores and would have been a frequent target in the Houston/Indy Texas Throwdown (NOTE: I want credit if ESPN uses that phrase, btw). We're pulling for you Commish - mostly because we like your falls from grace to be real gut punchers. If your team stays in the basement, then it's no fun for anyone. The most amazing stat? In 115 dreams, not one woman makes an appearance. Huh. Go Figure.

8. Die Nasty (CR) - Like pogo balls, slinkys, American Girl dolls, and pet rocks - some things never go out of style. In this case, good old fashioned winning out of spite. Picked by none to beat Cin City in Week 2, The Nasty managed to pull off the upset and make its case for consideration. But while my life is mostly full of upset, your FUFL season is a more predictable average of 105-112 pts and more losses than wins. That will be evident this week as the Plumbers clean your pipes so thoroughly you can see your reflection in your ass. I don't even know what that means, that's how clean it will be. There's a good chance for a shootout in Houston, but the rest of your production doesn't rise to the level of impressing anyone. Which oddly enough is exactly what that stripper said to me yesterday. Well, I think it was a stripper - I was at a kid's birthday party, and she was dressed as a clown, and did lots of juggling acts, and so I took my pants off. People seemed shocked, but I figured it was because someone invited a stripper to a child's birthday party! Won't someone please think of the children?

9. The Nancy Kerrigans (CL) - One more knee injury. One more. We fucking triple dog dare you pieces of shit. You know what? Fuck it. Sammy Morris is in. Fuck.

10. Orginal Gangstas (RM) - Yeah, you've taken the lion's share of digs in this week's power rankings, but look on the bright side, at least Rudi Johnson did some stuff in Week 2. So you've got that going for you. I think you are capable of taking down the Commish's team this week, but this McNabb/Philly thing you've got going is making everyone uncomfortable. It's like when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time and you had a bad falling out, but that was years ago. And also they're covered in poisonous cobras. You know, it's uncomfortable.

FUFL Rankings of Power - Weak One.

2007-09-11T16:00:00.001-04:00

The FUFL season is in full gear and that means Rankings of Power. This week we've got an unlikely winner of the More Idiot Than Savant Award, a halftime showstopper, and a way to stop those demon voices you've been hearing. Plus a preview of the Commissioner's dietary habits.

Image Source: Yahoo!

1. Rugs on Valium (WG) - Great Googly-Moogly. Carried to victory by Tony Romo's outstanding night, Rugs on Valium (RoV) pulled off this season's first true upset against a stacked Cin City. Even without Romo, the depth of this team is... uhh.. deep. Week 1's production will need to repeat as this team goes through the best teams in the FUFL early in the season - determining if you make the playoffs this year after enjoying FUFL obscurity the past years. Besides dominating the standings, RoV pulled off one of the most difficult things to do in all of Fantasy Sports: secure a monster win and still be the owner of this week's More Idiot than Savant Award. RoV left an astounding 74 points on the bench (more than the Kool-Aid v Pile On matchup combined). In Week 1, not one member of this team scored less than 7 pts - including the bench. That's impressive. Like my wang.

2. Kool-Aid Maroney (DP) - To be honest, you should be washing Plaxico Burress' ass. Hell you should be waxing it and buffing it every hour on the hour and put it prominently on display in your home. Antonio Gates also put on quite a show and probably deserves to have his posterior polished in some sort of way. And judging by this pile of legal injunctions and cease-and-desist orders, Frank Gore and Tom Brady aren't into that kind of thing so don't bother asking. The real question is if this team has the kind of staying power to keep it an FUFL leader. It's built like a playoff team, but not a championship team - if only because of how streaky the rest of its players are. However, you won't be suffering a crippling bye week this season and will be poised to exploit other teams' vulnerability. As a former political operative, that should come easy to you. As a Republican, you will also enjoy it.

3. Cin City (BM) - I think instead of a projecting a number for Manning, it should just read, "a jillion." That would be more accurate. With a stud performance from Addai, this team will live and die with the Colts but that's probably OK by them. Although according to a poll of my neighborhood vagrants, It's not as good as living and dying by Colt 45, which "makes the killing voices yell softer." After putting up monster numbers Thursday night, it was thought impossible anything could happen between then and Tuesday morning that would earn you a loss. Perhaps next week you will start Ronald "Runs right thru ya" Curry when you face another formidable opponent in Die Nasty. You're going to need some extra points as Manning will be partially handcuffed by Die Nasty's #1 WR.

Makes the Killing Voices Yell Softer.
And gets you drunk too.

4. The Pile On Guys (MW) - There's no other way to describe it: This team got piled on. And on and on and on. What seemed like a sure thing disappeared faster than Lance Briggs from a crime scene. Only difference here is that you can't get up and walk away from crashing your vehicle. The stunning performance by the Minnesota D kept you in this, but pedestrian efforts by the Bulge and Vernon Davis kept you shy of the few points you needed. You're looking good for Week 2, but Week 3 will spot you against the current points leader while your skill players are all on the road. Perhaps the Pile On Guys should stop expecting to be handed wins because of his first draft pick and instead bear down and claim the mantle of greatness. Like when I decided that there could only be one true ring-bearer, and seized the cherry Ring Pop from that 4th grader. It looks like a giant ruby! I got so much tail that day. I mean... uhh greatness. I got so much greatness that day. Especially in my kitchen.

5. Mike Vick's Dogpound (SW) - This week's score was good enough to beat the majority of FUFL teams, and will continue to be as long as Cincinnati keeps winning. Week 2 should see the same production as Cincy goes against Cleveland, so perhaps your opponent will try some desperate moves (like starting Brady Quinn) or just be lulled into a completely unsubstantiated confidence that this is the week Maroney peels off a few 50 yarders. Either way, the Week 2 victory will be less about who performs well, as it will be who choked. You may peel off a win this week, but weeks 3, 4, and especially 5 all look like they are going in the loss column. But this week was pretty good, so maybe that will be the happy memory that sustains you through a rough patch. My happy memory? The time I romanced Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Simpson (also known as Jessic-A-Trois 2004) while surrounded by televisions that replayed the Red Sox historic comeback against the Yankees, and then won the lottery seven separate times the next morning. But hey, you won a fantasy football game that one time. Good for you.

THE HALFTIME RANKINGS SPECTACULAR

This week: Facts that May Only Interest Peter King But Are So Desperately Meant to Also Interest Me:

In the FUFL, The Vick-themed team count is down to one.
At the time of this posting, Houston, Cincinnati, and Indy - all defenses that gained 20+ points - are still on the board.
The Definition of "Douche" is in the eye of the beholder. Who apparently is a douche.
I saw a guy on the street this rainy morning - all wet with no umbrella. Bet Norv Turner knows that feeling.
Somebody get that guy an umbrella.

And: Video of the Week that makes me uncomfortable

6. stop nagging me now (MS) - Now that you've been thoroughly disturbed by that gorilla playing drums, perhaps you are ready to look at your RB corps from this week. Stephen Jackson's line: 58 yards for 18 carries with two fumbles against the Carolina Defense. Cedric Benson's line: 49 yards on 19 carries. These are lines even a coke fiend wouldn't touch. The good news is that Randy Moss is still very much Randy Moss, and Marshawn Lynch showed real durability. This team will surely rise in the rankings, with a decent schedule ahead and no terrible bye week disaster looming. The recent addition of the Giants backup RB should be a good addition to your team at the expense of the dumbass who drafted Jacobs. That reminds me - fuck you in the ear.

7. Die Nasty (CR) - Not exactly an auspicious beginning to a dynasty, was it? You failed to break 100pts - which is almost always a must in this league, and managed to bench two of your top performers. What's odd is that most of your starters come from really shitty teams. They are excellent players, sure, but Ten, Ari, Was, Det (I still say they will suck it this season like a Hilton on a dare) - these are not elite sqauds. Perhaps Cooley will get worked into the offense more, but this is going to be the team that requires the most on-the-fly rebuilding. But don't worry, dear Treasurer. At least you're fucked in Week 8.

8. The Caged Bengal (CL) - The only team to score under 100pts and get a win. This team had wrapped up before the Sun night games. Everything after that was just gravy. Lucky for this team was that both receivers went over 100 yds with scores; Wayne's multiple TD's and Javon Walker's inspired playing because a guy died in his arms. By that logic, I should be the best football player alive, because so many men have died in my arms. My hugs are lethal, you see. Before the Delicate Giant that is Brandon Jacobs went down, this week's biggest disappointment was Crumpler, which in turn means Joey Harrington. There is hope that Maroney got more touches than an alter boy even if he couldn't gain more than 72 yds against the Jets run defense. That reminds me, which is a worse sign: that Heath Evans got the goal line touches or that Brandon Jacobs is already injured? You may pull the forks from your eyes before answering.

9. Original Gangstas (RM) - There is nothing original about getting spanked like a naughty boy. It's actually quite common and sometimes necessary according to Senator Larry Craig. The McNabb-Brown combo - while fulfilling your duties to have a Philly Combo - is 100% stale, moldy, and might have some mouse turd on it. You are in the unenviable position of needing everyone to meet their Yahoo! projections just to stay competitive. Next week you are ripe for a pummeling from the Pile on Guys, and a shrewd trade or two is needed to save your season already. So OG's whatchoo gon' do? You gon' play the game or get played? You out there grindin' and doing what you do, and then you get got by the little bitch who almost didn't even step up until the last second? And next week, sucka gon' jus' pop yo ass in street in front of your crew. Muthafucka gotta represent or step aside. In related news, I am so so so so white. Like porcelain really.

10. Xian's 115th Dream (CJ): Owner of the other biggest combo bust: Colston & Rivers combined did not put up even a combined 10 pts. And you managed to leave over 60 pts on the bench. The good news is, this team looks like it has the kind of week to week consistency that outlasts other teams' injuries (except Portis of course) and wins FUFL championships. So there. You finally have another kind of consistency to be proud of. Please stop sending daily pictures of your morning dump. We get it, you like corn. The bad news is your schedule totally blows. So if Week 1 isn't a good showcase of your strength, what does Week 2 offer? Outlook not so good. Your new starting QB, premier WR, TE, and two of your RB's are going against good defenses, while your Kicker's offense can't even get into field goal range. Your opponent's team has an easier schedule next week, so we're predicting an 0-2 start before things get going. Through week 5 this team will be 1-4, and have its pants full of corn.

Brandon Jacobs is Delicate

2007-09-10T09:51:00.000-04:00

Things More Durable than Brandon Jacobs

Tupperware (generic or brand name)
The knees of my 80+ year old grandmother-in-law
A wildflower in a hurricane
A stripper's self-image

NFL season picks

2007-09-07T11:29:00.000-04:00

I was asked for my NFL predictions by the crew at Hugging Harold Reynolds, and in 10 minutes time, I put together this list. I'm not making excuses, I'm bragging.

(division winners marked with *)

NFC North

*Bears - Purely because of their D.

Packers - Brett will be on fumes this year, I'd rather be running on premium fumes than regular gas. It's the difference between a guinness fart and and a taco bell fart.

Vikings - A Taco Bell fart that leaves a purple stripe.

Lions - This is Jon Fucking Kitna's team, and he's taking it the only place he feels safe from the storm: the cellar.

NFC East

*Eagles - McNabb doesn't even need the leg he's rehabbing. He'll probably just break it off midway through the season and jam a metal pipe in there or something. He's bionic.

The Team Tony Romo is On - Because according to everyone, he's the only person worth mentioning.

Redskins - This feels about right.

Giants - Brandon Jacobs is gonna make every fantasy owner cry. He was good at taking goal line touches. But he never really worked to get to the goal line, did he?

NFC South

*Saints – They are just too good. Update: not for the Colts, though.

Bucs – Will randomly be better for no good reason. The part of No Good Reason will be played by Jeff Garcia.

Panthers – They keep slipping a little every year.

Falcons – Somewhere, Joey Harrington is looking at a playbook and thinking, "where's that INT route I was so good at?"

NFC West

*49ers – This feels weird.

Rams – Stephen and the Bulge should be a buddy comedy.

Seahawks – Shaun Alexander will only be disappointing whatever clown drafted him. The rest of us knew better, right?

Cardinals – Matt Leinert will be just as good a father as he is a starting QB.

AFC North

Bengals – I think I hate every team in this division. So fine, uhhh Bengals will win.

Steelers – Back to form, but not their year. Steely McBeam is responsible.

Ravens – I am so unsold on this team.

Cleveland – The Frye Era will be terrible – all 2.5 weeks of it. Enter Brady the Lady Quinn.

AFC East

*Patriots – They are magical.

Dolphins – Crazy pick here, but I gotta feeling. Plus I need to separate myself from my peers.

Jets – Not a great situation at any major starting position.

Bills – Losman, dude. He's studying with Harrington I bet.

AFC South

*The Team with that Manning Guy on it – I can't remember his name, but I heard a reference to a monkey off his back or something. I'll just guess that I was told Manning got off on a monkey riding bareback. I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear.

Jaguars – Rawwwr!

Texans – Think the QB will have wished he stayed in Atlanta just one more year?

Titans – leaking oil. Vince Young can't scramble on every play, can he?

AFC West

*Broncos – Always have a ridiculous smaller running back who gains 1,000+ yds

Chargers – LT and Rivers both great, but who else is?

Chiefs – Awkward Silence Goes Here. Awkward Silence then bitch slapped by Herm Edwards.

Raiders – Culpepper to Moss almost happened again if the receiver hadn't left to the Pats. It would be like watching my grandparents play catch. Old people are funny sometimes. "Give me back my teeth!" they yell. They're so precious.

--

Wildcard: Chargers, Steelers, Packers, Rams

Conference Winners: Pats (Over Broncs), Saints (Over Eagles)

Superbowl: PATS WIN, PATS WIN

And Tom Brady celebrates by getting everyone pregnant.

Cross posted at Hugging Harold Reynolds

It was less scary when C-3PO said it.

2007-09-04T13:30:00.000-04:00

via EDSBS:

And of course the video:

Tiger Hunts Everything

2007-08-31T11:57:00.000-04:00

If I am a pro golfer, I would be extremely disturbed by this interview with Tiger Woods, particularly his answer to the following question:

ESPN Golf Douche: You own a yacht named Privacy. How much of a treasured commodity is that for you?
Le Tigre: It is. It really is, to be able to get away. Once you're out there on the ocean, it just feels so good to get away and basically shut everything out. And for me, I love to dive, love to spearfish. So for me to drop one down and go hunting and just escape everything, basically, you're so focused on the fish that you don't think about anything else. That to me is such a great rush.

Holy crap. After methodically destroying his competitors on the golf course, this dude stalks and kills for relaxation. And this isn't some kind of thing where you sit in a tree blind all day and shoot a turkey by calling it to you*, this is holding your breath while vulnerable in the open ocean so you can swim up and spear a fucking animal. Only he probably uses a 9 iron.

Tiger endorses the Underwater Medicus.

*Note: Tree blinds are only allowed in the woods. If you set one up next to your neighbor's window while calling her closer so you can make your kill, it gets you mega-arrested. Personally, I blame the anti-sportsman media.

Off Topic: Why Birds Frighten Me

2007-08-29T11:16:00.001-04:00

When given the opportunity, mascots will kill, kill, kill. That is all

via deadspin

FUFL Draft Results

2007-08-20T16:53:00.000-04:00

If you hate reading, Click here for the FUFL draft results. You might have to use the magnifying glass to enlarge it. Just like your wiener.

If you want to have actual analysis of the FUFL draft, well then here you go. Not written by the YFTS staff, but by our unpaid intern. Who also remains uninformed that it's even posted here. It's not plagiarism if no one notices, right? Same goes for double homicide too I think. I hope.

Repete Smith's Pre-Season Rankings 1-5
by: The Pile On Guys

Before looking into these too hard, know that I took a trusted fantasy football source and used their projections and put them against our current starting lineups. So what I’m saying in these rankings (and when I refer to “our analysts”) is what the fantasy points predicting service tells me we all will score assuming the current starting lineups. Only 51.98 total points separates #2 from #9, so this will be a bitterly contested season according to the fantasy heads. I don’t necessarily agree with them, but that’s what we’re going with here. My commentary is in each team capsule. I hope you enjoy. And Repete Smith hates Two-a-Days.

1) The Pile On Guys - Talk about a pile on. Last year's champ with an embarrassment of riches at RB landed the fantasy gold mine in Tomlinson. Will it prove to be fool's gold since he took a chance on WRs early at the expense of another solid corps of RBs? Only time will tell, but according to our analysts this team figgers to be the top scorer in the league. LT can cure all RBBC ills, so RB2 and FLEX is not as much of an issue that it would suggest to be in this format and league depth.
Key Performer: Deuce McAllister
Prediction: 10-4, Loses in the FUFL Bowl

2) stop nagging me now - Nabbed tremendous value in the first 3 rounds, but the autodraft ended up reaching a bit too early on the QB, DEF, and PK. Doesn't matter as long as Steven Jackson shows Lucas that he does not have a vagina but is instead hung like a mandingo. This team will probably lose more than it should due to the likely erratic play (or not play) of Lynch (a rookie), Benson (unproven but talented) and Moss (injuries).
Key performers: Randy Moss and Cedric Benson
Prediction: 9-5, 1st Round Playoff Loss

3) Kool-Aid Maroney - Everybody drink the kool-aid. Every year this guy autodrafts his team, he goes to the title game (1-1). Prospects for passage to the title game are good with this squad, too. Solid team all around, but MJD, while a baller, will be hard pressed to repeat his stellar '06 campaign. The weak WR2 is mitigated by the Gates factor, and Golden Boy Brady should have all the weapons he needs to live up to that draft spot.
Key Performers: Maurice Jones-Drew and DeAngelo Williams
Prediction: 9-5, FUFL Champ

4) The Caged Bengal - Let the sabre rattling begin. Just don't let it lead to a sword fight between you and Steven Jackson, if you know what I mean. We all know you're hung like a Gergen pickle, but you did an excellent job with the draft this year. One of my favorites. Our analysts believe you score high marks in all the right places
Key Performer: Brandon Jacobs
Prediction: 8-6, 1st round Playoff Loss

5) Die Nasty - Another great draft, but will LJ report on time? And after his Week 1 success again HOU, how will he fare against the stout defenses to follow? Our analysts like what you got, but think you narrowly miss out on the playoffs. Too much risk at RB2 and flex to rank any higher, aside from projections. Key Performers: Edgerrin James and Vince Young
Prediction: 8-6, but end season on a 4 game win streak

6) Rugs on Valium - Our analysts project you at 6, and doesn't that sound about right for you? Every year you have one of the better drafts, but the FUFL has not been kind to our kind soul from the Breadbasket of America. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team, yet it just doesn’t appear dynamic enough to boost you into a playoff spot, according to our analysts. My instincts tell me the Romo emerges to a top 5 QB, and Holt and Williams dominate. If Alexander returns to his best installment (v.2005 form), and Ronnie Brown lives up to the blue chip hype, well, then, we are looking at a darkhorse candidate for FUFL champ. However, we gotta go with the raw data, and that tells me you land right here.
Key Performer: Ronnie Brown, K2’s knee
Prediction: 7-7

7) Michael Vick’s Dogpound - I think you had the best draft in the league. You got great value at the following spots: TE in Witten, who will score about what the TEs draft several rounds ahead of him will; TJ Housh ~10 picks later than Chad Johnson for the same reason; and Palmer ~20 picks behind Manning for the same reason again; and two upside top 10 RBs to anchor your squad. I see nothing wrong with this squad, but the fantasy prognosticators suggest there just isn’t enough oomph from WR2 and FLEX to launch you into the playoffs, and maybe a bit too much risk of injury with Travis Henry. I disagree with our analysts, but we must trust the data!
Key Performer: Travis Henry and TJ Houshmazode, Housevanilli, or whatever his name is
Prediction: 6-8

8) Cin City- Interesting play on words, especially in light of the fact that you have no Bengals on your roster. You’ve done well at key spots (QB, RB1, WR combo); however, trusting your RB2 and FLEX to rookies in murky RBBC situations takes just the kinda balls that is usually rewarded in this league (think Dan Youhas). I like your moxy, but my rationality suggests you start off slow and finish strong behind the Big XII rooks. Let’s remember this is the guy that had LT last year, and not only missed the playoffs but had a LOSING record. Unbelievable.
Key Performers: Adrian Peterson and Brandon Jackson
Prediction: 5-9

9) Douche Bag Jones - Our great and fearless leader of the free world, Xian Jones, is either in it, or out of it when it comes to his history in the FUFL. It appears this year he is out of it, serving as the proverbial fantasy doormat. The FBG analysts suggest Portis is too great a risk to take at that point in R2, and I agree with them. However, Portis has had some big years in the past, and if he can return to his glory days, and Colston repeat his healthy game averages of last year (which our analysts say he does not), then I think he makes a push for the playoffs. Andre Johnson, while talented, is just not in a dynamic enough of an offense to propel you further. I like your team and am surprised by the results. Rock and Roll, Jones.
Key Performers: Clinton Portis (and he is the most important player in the FUFL, other than LT2)
Prediction: 5-9

10) Original Ganstaz - It’s an annual rite of the Summer season, I rank you last or second to last in the pre-season rankings. It’s also an annual rite of Fall that your team beats mine. Lucky for you, you get me twice this year. Who will be the other unknowing victim? Only time will tell. I think you have an okay team, but the problem was the R4 selection of Brees. That crippled your chances for success, and left you grasping for a solid WR corps. I think Hines Ward has a better season than my analysts suggest, but that won’t be enough for you to overcome the loss of a sound R4 pick. If this league were deeper, you could probably move Brees for a solid skill player, but I think we’re all pretty much set at that position. We’ll see, I s’pose.
Key Performer: Brees or McNabb
Prediction: 3-11

Mocking the Draft II: Hold the Mayer

2007-08-15T15:29:00.000-04:00

Our pre-draft analysis of the FUFL continues with special guest commentator, John Mayer.

The Caged Bengal (CL)
Realizing the days when this team was winning can now officially be categorized as "halcyon-like", the manager of this team understands this year he must be aggressive in order to avoid FUFL obscurity. The lone bright spot of last year's pathetic 2-12 season was beating the Commish, but overall it was like a "Buy 12 get 2 free" crotch kicking promotion (with less clowns). As for this year, the Caged Bengal feels a good draft coming on. This feeling is based on a recent scientific study performed on the manager, comparing the number of 40 oz's consumed with 'fists-shaken' at 'my wretched God' and then correlated with 'bails-jumped' and 'average hostages taken.' It won the Nobel Prize for Achievements in Alcohol or something. True Story. What Does John Mayer make of all this?

Uhhhhhh... I like it?
(Ed Note: This picture angers me.)

The Original Gangstas (RM)
More like the Origami Gangstas, considering how many times this team folds over the season (ZING)! Always a contender, but never a winner. Unlike me, where I'm always a winner but never a contender. That's how I won the last 25 Tour de France's and 7 consecutive Alligator Wrasslin' competitions. As for the OG's draft, we predict a combo of some sort, and at least one eagles player who is drafted too early. Perhaps this year the OG's sustained hustlin' will finally earn some chedda. But life in the game is hard, and you either play the game or the game plays you. And I should know: I've lived that life. If by "lived" you mean "watched two seasons of the Wire with the swear words bleeped out." Fa Real. Jeezy Meezy, tell 'em what time it is:

John Mayer is down with the OG's. "Holler" he sys. Holler indeed.

Players to Be Named Later (WG)

<insert: Billy Joel>
They can kill with a smile
They can wound with their eyes
They can ruin your faith with that roster of guys
And they only reveal what they want you to see
They play like a child
But they're always a Runza to me
< / Billy Joel>

John Mayer concedes that the Runzas always appear to
have a solid team, but in the end fail miserably. Much like that orange shirt.

Mike Vicks Dogpound (SW)
Congratulations for showing up. If your league effort mirrors that of the effort in choosing a team name, you'll look back on last year's 7-7 record as when you used to be "unstoppable." We go right to the Mayer for this one:

John Mayer feels optimistic. But then again, you would too if you were
getting laid all the time, on command.

Jailhouse Rock (BM)
Based on facts I just made up, the second year is always worse. You thought you made a lousy showing last year with a 6 game losing streak in the beginning of the season? That's nothing. Try showing up to a fancy party thrown by the rich parents of the girl you love, after being sold out by the stupid rich kid who anyone in their right mind can see is a bad dude, but he's rich and white and the parents prefer him over your wrong-side-of-the-tracks-kinda-smells-like-roadkill persona. And after you sneak in dressed as a waiter and bring the party to a crashing halt by making a from-the-heart appeal to everyone's conscience that love should truly win the day no matter anyone's socio-economic status or subconcious biases - and during the silent moment where the rich girl and you are supposed to make a connection that rises above it all, some dipshit makes a loud and realistic wet fart sound. Fuck you wet fart guy. Fuck you in the A. So yeah, try that.

John Mayer just took a shit that smells rosier than your season.
And last night was taco night.

Well that's it for today kind sirs. See you on Sunday. At church of course.

Mocking the Draft II: Hizzoner, the Mayer

2007-08-14T11:53:00.000-04:00

Oh FUFL, I have missed you the way I miss the mystery guy in my office building who pisses anywhere but into the urinal. Like him, you remain a mystery to me, you torment me when you are around, but after a prolonged absence, I can't wait for your return - if only for another crack and catching you and rubbing your face in the mess you made. I've been thinking, FUFL, that you deserve the best when it comes to mocking your draft, something signaling the auspicious/tedious event that an online draft is. So I called in every favor, got on my knees and begged everyone I could who would listen, and got what this draft needed: the celebrity cache it richly deserves with none other than John Mayer. (Ed Note: If you wonder what kind of insight John Mayer can provide, keep in mind this multiple-Grammy award winning artist has seen more early 20's ass than every college kid with a dorm room ethernet connection combined. Plus he sang to me in that manly Kathleen Turner voice of his. My heart melted!)

The Convicks (MW)
There are registered sex offenders who have made fewer moves than this team did in 2006. The whopping total of 54 was more than than teams 2,3, and 4 combined. But this translated into success, as they ended on a 6 game win streak and a Championship. Last year's draft caught two of the sleeper RB picks (Chester Taylor is now just sleeping), and Tom Brady, who impregnated his offense with... uhh, pregnancy I guess. Two reliable veterans in Torry Holt and Donald Driver put up crazy season numbers. Also worth noting? The top 3 point producers on this team: 1. Frank Gore, 2. Tom Brady, 3. Baltimore D. Think about that. So why will this team threaten a repeat? Simply because we need them to. That's right. All of the money this manager spends on strategy guides, all of the little things he should be doing around the house gone undone, all of the hours of work siphoned off into this league: in the end it results in victory (2006) or near victory (2005, 2004). The formula of ignoring your daily, familial, marital, and hygenic duties and spending time on the internet can earn you money and victory. His strategy validates our sloth. And in our own way - particularly with our middle fingers - we salute you. And so this year will be no different, as a crafty draft looms for the Convicks. Unless they draft 7th. Then all hope is lost. John Mayer says:

"John Mayer likey"

Douchebag Jones (CJ)
Some call him the commissioner, some call him a douchebag, and some call him 'that kid who cries when he dances' But we should just call him what he is: angry, determined, and bent on winning fueld by unbridled spite. He claims little pleasure in this league, which takes him away from his other dual pursuits of reading Harry Potter books and drawing pictures of a chesty Hermoine servicing a stick figure with a similar hairline and eyewear. This year the Commish will wage the same war with a smarter draft, hopefully avoiding busts like Andre Johnson and Ahman Green, and staying away from injury prone measts like Alexander. His strategy this year will rely less on his managerial skills and more on detailing the seriousness and graveness of his family's recent health scare, juxtaposed with the newborn life that has made him an Uncle, all in hopes of creating enough of an emotional rollercoaster for opponents so they fail to adjust for bye weeks. This team has had decent draft spots in the past few years, so it will be interesting to see how he responds to a more difficult position. Besides outright weeping of course. That shit is standard. Let's get John Mayer's thoughts:

John Mayer "understands your smoldering attitude
keeps you both competitive and celibate."

Kool-Aid Maroney (DP)
This team threatened to repeat in 2005, but last year - even with all of the cheating - only managed a 6th place finish. With a top score of only 129, this team is going to need some serious firepower from the draft, and expect the manager to make some aggressive moves that would make even the date-rapiest of frat boys blush. This manager has a gift for staying in the thick of things, but we'll see if he can overcome the FUFL's marraige penalty. What penalty you ask? The league marriage penalty tends to be that after you get married, your team suffers. Sure, it's great in the beginning, but after awhile your team wonders why you are hanging out with your friends instead of paying attention to them, and the next thing you know they're not cooperating anymore, and BAM you get in more trouble for checking out the supple running back of another team. You eventually come around and understand you've got to grow up and you made the right choice in the first place, but it's a transition year to say the least. Let's see what John Mayer thinks:

John Mayer is excited for you, but his collar is popped,
signifying both you and he are douchebags.

Stop Nagging Me Now (MS)
This team was at times unstoppable and at times a doormat. It had 5 games over 130 pts, and a season low of 69. When it won, it usually won decisively - a result of great performances by Westbrook, Rudi Johnson, and Marvelous Marvin Harrison. But the lows were just as spectacular, showing flashes of the 2005 season when it couldn't win no matter what they tried. SNMN's draft prowress is hard to figure out, but with the right combination of sleepers and studs, we expect another season of big wins from this team. In a related note, with the right combination of sleeping pills and studs, you can expect awkward conversations with law enforcement. What's John Mayer think?

Agreeing that your team isn't always what it seems,
John Mayer says, "Sometimes, I look like transvestite."

Die Nasty (CR)
This name makes me tremble! A pun on the word dynasty, signifying a tradition of excellence in the FUFL, but composed of two hardcore words that elicit feelings of fright and contempt! We tremble at your take on words! I shat myself twice just typing that! Perhaps THE question of the draft is will this manager have Larry Johnson again? The past two years LJ has ended up on this roster, saving your lily-white ass. Without LJ there to carry the load, who will do it? It seems to be the plan again, as we have received a sneak peak of Die Nasty's draft plan, round by round --- and let's just say we're not trembling anymore:

Mr. Mayer... your opinion?

John Mayer, holds his breath on getting LJ. He suggests his personal
prescription for success of "Winning a few Grammys and
banging a 19 year old every other Tuesday."
So, in a word, you're fucked.

Tomorrow: YOU'VE SEEN THE BEST, NOW MEET THE REST!

Javelin is Stab-tastic

2007-07-23T14:40:00.000-04:00

This video reminds me of the time I threw a javelin and hit a guy.

Add Javelin to the list of sports where spectators are in danger. Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia each hit a spectator yesterday. But I give golf fans a pass because a tiny ball is hard to see against the sky, and most golf fans are like 75 years old. But Javelin? If you are looking the other way, you deserve to get a lung punctured. And if you're gonna get hit, put some damn shoes on. You look ridiculous.

It shouldn't matter what the sport is. As a fan you have a responsibility. For example, if you are at a bullfight, get out of the way when the bull jumps into the crowd, but don't lose your beer. Common sense, people.

Via BustedPlay - which I didn't know existed until today.

In an Mmmbop You're Gone, Embarassed

2007-07-19T17:33:00.000-04:00

While I never suggested I could do it better, Grimey over at LOLjocks posted one by yours truly.

Tony Romo makes me all fortissimo in my pants.

The whole post is good, but I take issue with him calling mmmbop a 'crappy pop ballad'. It was a peppy song, as I remember. Plus those three Hanson chicks were totally hot. I still trade their pictures online. Did you know there's this whole big international ring of dudes who want pictures like that? I'd tell you who they are, but for some reason they want to keep it a big secret. Probably to keep wieners like you out.

Indictment =Joey Harrington.

2007-07-18T08:44:00.000-04:00

Mike Vick indicted. A picture says a thousand words.

...or 1,001 if you count the word on the picture.

If I'm the Falcons and facing the prospect of Joey Harrington helming the team, I'd start making calls to see what our other options are. Personally, I'd take that German baby polar bear for backup QB over Harrington. It'd have a better completion percentage, fewer INT's, and when it craps all over the place like Joey-Boy would anyway, the whole stadium will just clap and say "Awwwwwwwwwwwww!"

That baby polar bear is gonna get so much cheerleader ass, I'm telling you.

via Grimey's LOLjocks. Check it out.

Best Birthday Present Ever

2007-07-17T12:29:00.001-04:00

If I'm Tom Brady, and I am (in a way*), then I probably want to downplay the whole, My-hot-literate-ex-girlfriend-is-gonna-have-my-shorty story whenever I can. That's going to be tough, seeing that it looks like his first kid is going to come out from under center on the same day his baby is born:

ALL'S not well with Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. While the two have put up a happy front for the cameras - and his family is even said to be flying out to Italy to spend time at the villa in Rome she recently acquired - our spies say Bundchen is upset that Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, is due to give birth to Brady's son on Friday - Bundchen's birthday. The tension has grown so intense that the couple fought openly in front of hotel guests in Napa while staying at the five-star Auberge du Soleil.

Man, that is some shitty luck. Who knows, maybe he can make the best of it. Maybe when the baby comes out he can quickly put a bow on the little tyke and be like, "Hey Gisele, I got you this new baby for your birthday! Happy Birthday sweetie! You said you always wanted one!" And then when she's not looking, replace it with a puppy. She probably won't even know the difference.

For a more intimate view of the whole thing, perhaps you should just go straight to the source, cause the baby's got a blog.

In the end though, we will share a day of birth - an important day for each of us that acknowledges our entrance to the human world and into circumstances that define who we are and who we are to become. It is a singular association that cannot be erased, like the scar upon young Harry Potter's head that forever connects him to the evil Lord Voldemort. Only in this case, Voldemort is a rapidly aging, uneducated and emaciated Brazilian minx, who breathes through her mouth and is likely mentally handicapped. Seriously, she would bust out a booty-dance when Taps is played at a military funeral. Oh zeez hoarns! Oh how zey cauz me to wiggle ze boom-boom!

I like this kid.

*I am Tom Brady in the way that I am also Enid Fellsworth and Morris Ackerman - straight up identity theft.

A Three Hour Tour

2007-07-13T11:39:00.000-04:00

After sending profane text messages to his girlfriend, Bears LB and Paris Hilton vector Brian Urlacher has been ordered to a three hour parenthood class:

A judge has ordered Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and the mother of his toddler to take a three-hour parenting class. Urlacher and his ex-girlfriend, Tyna Robertson, are in a legal battle over Urlacher's parental visits with his 2-year-old son, Kennedy.

I can't imagine what this class will be like. They'll probably just show the Steve Martin movie Parenthood - but with a runtime of only 125 minutes I'm not sure what they'd do for the balance of the class. Although.... maybe it takes longer because you have to stop it so many times due to sustained and uncontrollable laughter (It's Keanu Reeve's best work).

Other suggested topics:

Why you shouldn't shoot each other in front of the child
Strategies from removing your son's head from the oven (how does he get in there!?)
Slapping does not equal Hugging
How this is all Rex Grossman's fault

But seriously folks, three hours? That's it? Feral Dogs spend more time learning to care for their young. I haven't been this disappointed in a judge since I had to surrender my "World's Most Flawless Body" crown because my eyes were ruled to be 'performance enhancers'. They sparkle like a bejeweled sea, full of hidden vulnerability and a mysterious, sexy past you know.

There's a Reason They Give it Away

2007-07-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

USA Today - a popular newspaper whose readership includes the illiterate, Pluggers (seriously, what the eff are these things), and business travelers who accidentally step on it while leaving their hotel room provide a Power Ranking of all 32 NFL team s. I am in the midst of putting one together myself, but may as well crap all over theirs. I'm out of TP anyway.*

UPDATE: Blogger hates this picture. Click it and it should direct you there. Or don't and go back to whatever you were doing before. That corner isn't gonna cry in itself.

*Editors Note: Fun Fact: If you wander around your neighborhood late at night covered head to toe in toilet paper and emitting low moans, women will still mace you. Also, mummies don't get chicks.

FUFL Chatroom: Everyone's a Cheater

2007-07-10T12:36:00.000-04:00

***You Have Entered the FUFL Chatroom***

Dynamic_POV(ia): Ok Commish, how are we going to cheat this year? Unfair Trades? Have we gotten our orders?

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: Not yet. The checks haven't cleared. I'm thinking we'll form another secret alliance, and with any luck we'll be 4th & 6th again.

Dynamic_POV(ia): I'm in. I've had a good run the past few years, but I love this cheating. It's a Jersey thing. Have I ever mentioned I'm from Jersey?

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: Really? I wouldn't have guessed. But seriously I'm thinking... Oh Shit. Here they come.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Who? The rest of them? Damn.... OK OK. Be cool. Be Cool. --- Quick Hide behind this.

***Dynamic_POV(ia) & Onwrd_XianSoldiers have hidden behind a curtain***

***/The rest of the FUFL League Has Joined the Chat***

WaiverWear_er: Alright guys, I'm thinking we gotta form some sort of alliance against the Commish and his cheating partner. We all know their trades are bullshit, so let's get proactive on this. I'm thinking we shoot one or both in the head, execution style. Thoughts?

EPAhole: Didn't you win last year?

WaiverWear_er: Well yeah... I went 11-3 and totally owned. But that's not the point.

CoolHandLucas: Something smells bad here. Like the Jersey Turnpike or something.... But mixed with a special self-loathing... it's weird. I swear I've smelled it before.

stffd_this_weaver_myslf: I smell rats. Both of you did well last year. And one of you went from shithouse to runner-up in a single season. That's not right.

EPAhole: Uhhhhhh....

TheOhGeez: Both of you are busted. And the Treasurer did well too! He benefitted from the shenanigans!

BuriedTreasurer: Fuck.

WaiverWear_er: Wait? You both paid them off too?

EPAhole: The President of the United States has requested I not answer that question.

BuriedTreasurer: I did it with collected dues. I'm running some pyramid schemes on the side that aren't working out anymore...

CoolHandLucas: Well who else did? Fess the fuck up, assbags. And what the FUCK is that smell? It's like Newark mixed with Pittsburgh!

TheOhGeez: Fine. I paid them.

AHIPsBM: Me too.

CoolHandLucas: Shit. I paid them off as well. The pressure of a bad website was getting to me.

MyShipRunszaGround: Guilty as charged. But I did it for my daughter. I got roped into a bad pyramid scheme and... things aren't going so good. We may have lost everything. I'm drinking a lot of cough syrup lately. The CVS brand, if you can believe that.

***The FUFL chatroom has gone eerliy silent***

BuriedTreasurer: Uhhhhhh.... wait a second, what's behind the curtain?!

***BuriedTreasurer has pulled back the curtain to reveal Dynamic_POV(ia) & Onwrd_XianSoldiers***

CoolHandLucas: You guys are dicks.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Hey what's up everyone! I was just talkin' to the Commish here about...uh...

EPAhole: Dude... Just don't say... Anything...

TheOhGeez: So you took us all for a ride. Well played, assclowns.

MyShipRunszaGround: My world.. it crumbles like a stale sandwich.

Dynamic_POV(ia): Don't blame me. Blame my New Jersey heritage.

CoolHandLucas: Damn. He's right.

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: And I think I've made it pretty clear over the years that I don't like any of you.

AHIPsBM: That's true. He shoves me at work. One time he broke my clavicle. No one fucks with him.

BuriedTreasurer: OK - as the financial steward of the league, I suggest we forget what happened in the past, and up the contribution to $50 with the extra $15 each going to the Commish and POV in return for either not cheating at all or cheating on behalf of everyone.

stffd_this_weaver_myslf: Sounds Good.

AHIPsBM: Works for me.

CoolHandLucas: Whatever. Sure.

MyShipRunszaGround: We've resorted to eating feral dogs I kill with my hands.

EPAhole: Sounds dodgy. I'm in. With taxpayer dollars of course.

WaiverWear_er: Fine. I'll just have to fall back on my special mix of 10 statistical analysis programs I bought for $50 each, which are then drilled down via an ouija board, and finally verified by drowning potential witches to see if they float. I'll still beat all of your asses.

BuriedTreasurer: Then it's agreed. Glad that's all fixed. Until August then gentlemen.

Onwrd_XianSoldiers: This meeting is adjourned.

BuriedTreasurer: Runza - find me offline. I may have an investment opportunity for you.

MyShipRunszaGround: I told you, I'm not selling my daughter.

100th Post Spectacular

2007-07-06T10:45:00.000-04:00

What you are reading is YFTS's 100th post. I know this cause blogger tells me so. I was gonna do something for the 4th of July, but it's my inalienable right to make no efforts beyond swallowing cheeseburgers on such a hallowed day. The rest of the days since then can be chalked up to my trademark sloth.

But this is a good time to get ready for the next few months, when YFTS goes back to its roots: chronicling the asshattery that is the FUFL fantasy league. In the word's of the Glasgow Diamonds, football's our game.

What to expect this season? Well there will certainly be a new Mocking the Draft, as well as some FUFL themed Chatrooms, a 'John Mayer Face' application, LOL(whatevers), running diaries, and the usual videos/pictures that mean less type-y and more drink-y for me.

We are in the process of expanding the site, so if you have any friends/colleagues/fellow hobos who have a fantasy league and wish that Yahoo! didn't fuck them over on message size, HTML, or pretty much everything in regards to the message board, YFTS might be just the home for them. A place where they can post degrading and embarrassing recaps of their league's week/month/season all for the low low price of their dignity.

Please have interested parties send an email to angrybeers (at) gmail if interested. Let them know that John Mayer is totally stoked about it.

Or he's maybe he's crapping. Whichever. The dude could fart in a microphone and they'd give his ass a grammy.

How to Catch a Snake

2007-06-21T12:48:00.000-04:00

Jon Gruden is trying to "lure" retiring QB Jake Plummer to training camp. I have never been shy about my feelings towards Jake the Snake, and to be honest I was hoping Gruden planned to entice the bearded one onto what looked like a normal football field, but once Plummer stepped on it, he would fall into a pit of spikes that have skulls of other victims on them (they always do). Unfortunately for Tampa Bay, and the sport of football, Gruden wants Plummer to play instead:

Ten-year veteran Jake Plummer, acquired by the Buccaneers in a March 3 trade with the Denver Broncos, has not reported to this week's three-day minicamp. But Gruden continues to woo Plummer despite his stated intention to retire from the NFL, and acknowledged this week he will hold a roster spot open for him.

"We're talking about Jake Plummer here, so we'll reserve a roster spot for the 'Snake' a little while longer," Gruden said. "If it was Jake Jones or Jake Johnson or Jake Gruden, we'd probably bypass the holding pattern we're in right now. [But] this is one heck of a football player who has accomplished a great deal. At this point, he's retired, and hopefully, at some point, he changes his mind or reconsiders."

This is the kind of guy who isn't so much lured, but does the luring, if you know what I mean. All that's missing is a white van and a bag of candy.

My favorite quote is "We're talking about Jake Plummer here." Ummm.. yeah. You are. But if Gruden is intent on luring Plummer, here's what I found on the intertubes:

To Catch a Snake

1. Be sure the snake isn't venomous. You don't want your first attempt at snake catching to end in disaster! Observe the snake--its length, its colors, and other distinguishing features. Identify the species by using a search engine (e.g. +snake +red +yellow +"North Carolina"). If you are at all uncertain of what kind of snake it is, and are worried it might be venomous, call the local animal shelter ASAP and let them know before anyone gets hurt.

Analysis: Plummer is fantasy poison. You could drink a glass of lye and still have fewer stomach issues than putting him in your lineup. As for distinguishing features, that mustache is superb. Jake Plummer's other defining characteristic is that you have no idea what kind of QB he is at any given moment. So please, call the Tampa Bay Animal Shelter (727-586-3591)

2. Get a stick, or whatever you have at hand.

Analysis: This sounds promising. Go with it.

3. Hold the stick in view of the snake as a distraction. Snakes can only concentrate on one thing at a time. With its eyes on the object in front of it, the snake won't be as concerned with you, especially if you stand to one side

Analysis: Hmmm. Not where I thought it was going, but it might work. This singular-focus thing is new to me. It explains a lot of Plummers career. Like finding an open receiver AND throwing. I would suggest using the stick to poke him just in case. And by poke, I mean listen to that voice that saysstab stab stab stab stab.

4. Quickly and firmly grasp it directly at the base of the neck. This must be done close enough to the the head so the snake can't curve around and bite you. You might want to grab and hold the tail with your other hand so that it doesn't wrap around your wrist.

Analysis: This might be hard for Gruden, cause he's so little. Like Richie-Rich little.

5. Release the snake into an area that is far enough away to ensure the snake does not wander into your property again. When you let it go, let go of the head quickly, with the snake facing away from you, and step away immediately.

Analysis: This worked for the Broncos.

Personally, I like Alternate Method #1:

Lay a large garbage can on its side (ie Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Sweep snake in with a household broom. Snake can easily be transported to a wilderness area, away from homes. Or is certain cases, a football field.

All this snake talk reminds me of my own encounter with the world's largest python - which was this morning, when I used the bathroom. Ladies, call me.

Sweet Cracker Sandwich

2007-06-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

It's back. It's really coming back.

I haven't been this excited since the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Take THAT Lord Voldemort!

Adventures in Media-crity Part II

2007-06-18T09:30:00.000-04:00

Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V strikes again. Only this time they went with the same headline. That's not lazy, that's just efficient.

Ed Note: Thanks to Reader BM for a second dose of sports laziness. Thanks to my BM for helping me lose all that weight this morning. Also, this post's title is the BALLS.

Sports Media is Easily Hypnotized

2007-06-14T09:42:00.000-04:00

Stare into his cold, smoldering, hypnotic eyes. Or just use the image your competitor put up on their webpage. Either way.

Credit for this goes to Reader BM. Credit for clearing the men's room this morning goes to my BM.

Oh Mandy

2007-06-08T14:32:00.000-04:00

via With Leather

Who Wants to go to Camp!

2007-06-01T15:33:00.000-04:00

I love the Dugout. It's one of my all time favorites. If you do not read it, then you do a disservice to our national pastime - which means you do a disservice to our nation, and by extension, to our troops you freedom-hating terrorist, you.

Anyway, I am excited as hell for football, and in the spirit of minicamps everywhere, YFTS brings you the NFL Minicamp Chatroom:

QBQT: So Glad to be back at camp
with all u guyz. This'll be the best summer evah!

SlimVickings: Dunno dawg. I’m already
in trouble with the counselors. BTW, where the camp dogs at? I wanna fight one.

MarvelussMarvin: I love camp. Canoeing
and sailing are the bomb.

PacmanCoJones: I'm down wi' dat!
Dis one chick I know get me into watersports. Setcha back $200 bones.

Favregnugen: Woah, Adam - you're done
for the season. You need to go. You're not allowed here! Alright, it's time to get down to business. First drills, and then canoeing. Here we go, deep post routes, Randy's on my team...

QBQT: Uh... no he's not. He's on mine.

Favregnugen: What? No... but I WANT HIM.
Fuck you guys, I'm taking my ball and going somewhere else, then.

ImFeelingRandy: Give me that ball right now.

/pries ball from QBQT

QBQT: Owww you're hurrrrting me. That was so selfish.

TakeaTeeOh: Someone call me?

ImFeelingRandy: Nah, false alarm, playa.

UnprotectedRex: When do we practice INT's?
I wanna throw so fucking bad right now. I could prolly throw it through a brick wall if I wanted.

QBQT: Let's do that instead of sack races! Can we
Unkie Favre? Can we?! Huh? Can We?!

Favregnugen: Eat my cornhole.

/silence

Favregnugen: Alright. Here's how it's gonna be:
Tom throws to Randy, Rex to TO, Vick to Marvin, and I'll throw to whoever we drafted for a WR.

TakeaTeeOh: Who dat is?

DoraExplorah: Here I am Mr. Farve-y! Let's play!
I love Green things, Bays, and Packing! We'll have fun!

Favregnugen: Christ on a stick.

UnprotectedRex: Whoa... what's up 'lil hotness?

QBQT: Can she sign my baby next month?

SlimVickings: Aww snap dawg! I'd give her 9-1 against
some baby pups I got here in my jacket. She looks like a scrapper.

Favregnugen: You know what? Fuck all of you. Let's
just do this so we can at least tell ghost stories later! And what in the hell is all that creaking noise?!

MarvelussMarvin: My bones.

PacmanCoJones: Do they hurt when it rains?

This Seems Excessive

2007-06-01T09:39:00.001-04:00

According to Deuce of Davenport this video has been around for awhile, but I've never seen it. All I can wish is that I never do again. DoD sums it up best: "I cannot even describe how unfathomably violent this Japanese baseball commercial is."

I could be wrong, but I think the atomic bomb may have given rise to a superhuman breed of screaming baseball players. It's just a theory, but then again so is gravity. I rest my case.

Oh God, It's Contagious

2007-05-30T14:47:00.001-04:00

You know how I celebrate an inside the park home run? You guessed it: fighting off sexy assassins with my smoldering eyes and expensive french champagne while saving struggling democracies from evildoers. But that looks like an afternoon with an easy bake oven compared to Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. No, after a inside roundtrippa, that hard ass muthafucka starts a blog, son.

Ummm. Yeah.

I have mentioned before that I am a fan of Schilling's blog, 38 pitches. But somehow, Youk's writing style lacks Schill's in depth pitch-by-pitch analysis, and the kind of historical persepctive gained by 19 or 20 years in the bigs. Youk leans more towards the banal 'dude, that chick is hot' dialect.

Dustin Pedroia, pictured here below, thinks he’s faster than me but I think we put that to rest last night with the inside-the-park home run, too. He’s just not as fast as me.

He hyperlinks to his own team! To other player's names! 38pitches is one thing, but this might be too much. Sadly, it's not as core as Carl Pavano's blog, but at least it's not Manny's blog (which I secretly suspect is this one).

LolManny

Let me say here and now, I am a Kevin Youkilis fan. Ever since I met him at a Volkswagen dealership in Westborough, MA and he signed a photo for my sister in Ethiopia, I've been a fan. I will reserve further judgment for now, and let him find his legs. He may have a lot to offer the blogging world. As a friend recently said, "I'd like to see him opine on God, GOP politics, and Curt Schilling's grit....and his beard. I want to know EVERYTHING about that man's beard."

The best part about the whole experience? He actually asked
how to spell, 'Liz.' Not Ethiopia... No... 'Liz'.

Ed Note: Suggested blog name? KEEEEVVVIIIINNNNN!!!

* Unless he's doing a lot of roids. I'm no doctor, but it's medical fact he's got a raging case of roid-beard.

Brief Playoff Updates

2007-05-21T13:53:00.000-04:00

Basketball: I hate watching basketball. It's a bunch of dudes who seem incapable of staying on their feet against even the slightest wind (cheerleader fart?), but outside of the game try and claim street cred as a tough and thugged out playa. Please. Stop. Trying. To. Draw. Fouls. If you all were really that incapable of staying upright, then there should constantly be YouTube's of pro NBA athletes getting knocked around on busy sidewalks, writhing on the ground. This would be awesome by the way.

For that reason alone I don't watch basketball at all, much less the playoffs. But I can bet they looked something like this:

Hockey: what's a hockey?

I like to think this goes against the conventional wisdom of a clock in sports making a game more exciting or fun to watch. Baseball - no clock, Golf - no clock. And football gives the finger to the clock by having one, and then making 15 minutes last for an hour. Eff you time. Eff you right in the A.

Great Moments in Air Guitar Sportscasting

2007-05-18T15:28:00.000-04:00

I thought of not posting this video because I object to the very existence of NESN. But I am a student of dance, of culture, and of course potential injury.

I'm Gonna Hit That Flex Spot, Baby

2007-05-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

So Devin "100 Speed" Hester is going to switch to offense for the Chicago Bears next season. When reached for comment, several NFC defenses shat themselves en masse. ESPN has the story:

"I think Devin Hester is one of the most exciting players in the NFL with his hands on the football," Smith said. "I think he would be an excellent defensive back also. We just feel that this is in the best interest of us and him for him to achieve his full potential as a football player."

The Bears plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season. Hester will work with the wide receivers at minicamp and will also line up in the backfield at times.
"It's going to be a great experience," Hester said. "I'm just going to go over there and try to give a little spark to the offense. There will be more opportunities to make big plays and I think it's a great idea."
Smith said he is anxious to see what Hester's best fit will be. In the early going, Smith said Hester could be valuable as a running back, slot receiver or even as a single receiver in their two-tight end, two-running back packages.

Holy Crap. This is the ultimate flex player for any fantasy team this season. A WR/RB who may even still return kicks. I think I need to change my pants. I think I need to change your pants. I have said in the past I would consider drafting a kicker in the first or second round this year, based on the fact that (I drink a lot?) many of them eventually rack up more fantasy points than some 2nd tier RB's, but now.... Hester is a legitimate 3rd round gamble that could seriously pay off. And not like a 'Remember when the Redskins used Chris Cooley as a TE/RB?' thing. That designation alone saved my season two years ago. Then they moved him to just TE, and he defecated all over my team for 8 weeks.

When shown a preview of Devin Hester's backside,
NFC defenses asked, "There's a frontside?"

The best part is, Hester is going to have a running start going at the endzone from now on, with fewer players in front of him. He'll be unstoppable. But then again, it's the NFC - a bunch of fuzzy bunnies released from their cages will still put up 17 against teams like Minnesota and Detroit.

All in all, this whole scenario reminds me of the time I had to oil wrestle all of those sexy, chesty supermodels nonstop for 3 days in order to save the world with my chiseled abs. Why am I reminded of that? Because I haven't stopped thinking about anything else since. You could throw a baby panda off of a rooftop and it would still stir happy recollections of those fateful 72 hours. I don't mean to brag here, but I am a god among men.

Dancing is a Sport

2007-05-15T15:54:00.000-04:00

Holy mother of... wait, did that little tyke just do a full backflip? That's pure raw talent right there, that's what that is. When I get kicked in the face, I usually cry and piss myself*. This kid does a backflip. Show off.

*Or did I get kicked in the face when I was already crying and had pissed myself? Either way, those ladies outside that Ann Taylor Loft had no reason to pepper spray me a second time. I was gonna give them their purses back, I swear.

Ed Note: Yes, this site has gone video heavy the last few days. Maybe football will magically come back months earlier. Or maybe you will just become as accustomed to my sloth as I have.

These Are Indeed Strange Times

2007-05-14T15:59:00.000-04:00

Brett Favre throws a tantrum and demands a trade, while T.O. shows up to minicamp, works his ass off, and then says to reporters, "I have nothing to talk about."

Ummm, clearly I've eaten some rancid meat or something, so I'm just gonna sit here and stab my leg until things go back to normal.

Why Goalies Never Get Chicks

2007-05-14T15:46:00.000-04:00

Update: IT NEVER GETS OLD.

NFL Draft Analysis: Oakland Raiders

2007-05-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and stats-obsessed MW offers his reaction to the Raiders draft. His words below:

So who do you select for the team that needs everything? Well, why not start with the franchise quarterback. I think the Raiders did the right thing in selecting JaMarcus Russell, even though the can't miss prospect was Calvin Johnson. Enough with the ninny WRs, let's get some big dogs in with some bark. Russell is a baller and always has been, and I think he will help bring the franchise back to respectability.

As far as the remainder of the draft is concerned, I am somewhat discouraged and think that Al Davis must select players solely based on 40 [yard dash] times. He's obsessed with speed. Johnnie Lee Higgins and John Bowie were the fastest guys available in Rounds 3 and 4, respectively, so he drafted them. That Bowie pick was awful. Kiper had him rated as about the 900th best player in this year's class. But it wouldn't be a Raider draft if a WR and a CB was not selected, regardless of need.

Al Davis is obsessed with speed alright.
Let's be honest: Keanu Reeves' acting is like crack,
only stronger and filled with steeley handsomeness.
No you're gay. No YOU are.

I love the Michael Bush pick. I think he pays huge dividends in 2008, as we see Rhodes and Jordan battle for their careers in 2007. Pre-injury, Michael Bush was a no-brainer 1st Round talent. As long as his leg heals properly, and the Raiders ease him back into the game, he should have a fine career starting in '08. Not sure what they were thinking taking the TE in the 2nd Round, though.

That questionable pick in such pricey territory lends to an overall grade of a B-.

Ed Note: You may wonder what I've been doing the last few days, and why I'm getting other people to write for this site. All I can say is, if you were as lazy as I am, you would too.

NFL Draft Analysis: Pittsburgh Steelers

2007-05-01T13:50:00.000-04:00

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and Jim-Steele-impersonator CJ offers his reaction to the Steelers draft. His words below:

Date: Tue, 1 May 2007 13:35:19
From: CJ
To: Editor, Your Fantasy Team Sucks
Subject: RE: The French

mixed reaction to steelers draft. the TE pick is odd and folks wanted Tony Hunt there. I think it's a decent, safe draft.

Steelers Draft Fever: Catch it!

Well there you have it. A die-hard Steelers fan sends his insightful, creative, and well thought-out draft reaction. Bravo, Steelers fan. Bravo. Looking forward to this kind of enthusiasm all season.

Readers might wonder if CJ is already waving the white flag by writing this under the subject line "Re: the French". And reader CJ might have a legitimate argument that his response was taken entirely out of context. Might, might, might, might. According to my new parole officer, we (I) don't live in a world of mights anymore. We live in a world where I definitely assaulted that mime.

NFL Draft Analysis: Green Bay Packers

2007-05-01T11:06:00.000-04:00

Sure, Your Fantasy Team Sucks has thoughts on what the NFL draft meant for other Non-Pats teams, but in the interest of not having to write it all out or even think about it, YFTS has solicited the fan's perspective - people who actually like these other teams that are not the Patriots. Today, reader and competitive-mustache-grower BM offers his reaction to the Packers draft. His words below:

Your offensive line is MAULING their defensive line. You survived a first half in which you had three STUPID turnovers, and you’re marching down the field, and dominating. Run left for 16. Run up the middle for 9. Short pass for 11, to keep them honest. Run left for 10, down to the 1.

Flashback to the first half, you ran a slant inside the five which your aging gunslinger QB impaled his WR in double coverage for a TD.

First and goal from the one. The previous three running plays just netted you 35 yards. So what do you do, hotshot? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!!?!?

Slant right to Driver, intercepted and returned 76 yards.

There you have it ladies and germs, how the Green Bay Packers kept themselves out of the playoffs last year. They dominated the Bills, McGahee got injured in the first quarter, and Losman was having a dreadful day (sound familiar Bills fans?) against the Pack’s decimated secondary before a blown coverage saw Hollywood Lee get behind them for six to take a 17-10 lead in the fourth. But this drive was our answer, and then, it was over; the season looked hopeless. Classic case of a rookie coach looking lost out there.

And when things dropped to 4-8, your only chance is to look forward to getting a giant JOHNSON in the draft, and then they went ahead and fucked that up to, winning four in a row, and ending up picking 16^th. However, strangely enough, this young team showed some serious improvement those last 4 weeks, leaving you with at least some hope. A strong draft and who knows what could happen.

So what did we need? ACHHHHHHMAN left us high and dry, but he’s sort of running like an AT-AT these days, and Vernand Morency looked a lot more dangerous and is only pushing 25. But he can’t seem to stay healthy. Bubba supported our troops so fervently last year that he actually donated his hands to someone who lost his looking for IEDs. It would be nice to have a receiving corps that didn’t have to rely on Rod Gardner in the last two years because they’ve been about as durable as Sam Jackson in “Unbreakable.” On the other side of the ball, what can you possibly say about Marquand Manuel that rigor mortis can’t be used to describe.

A YFTS Exclusive: Ahman Green's latest X-Ray. Enjoy, Texans

So at pick 12, Marshawn “I do rape” Lynch gets drafted. While I’ve never necessarily agreed with his preferred method of achieving climax, I do like the way he hits the hole hard. But I do rejoice for all the fat women in Green Bay who are now a little safer, and the consolation is we can still give Mr. Favre (I respect my elders) a valuable weapon either at receiver (Robert Meachum looks niiiiiiiiiice) or at tight end (Ben Olson’s got jets, and more importantly, hands to go with them).

So Goo Goo-dell steps to the podium and tells me they just picked Justin Harrell?!?!?!?!? WHO?!?!?!??!?! So let me get this straight. EVERYONE knows you need help on OFFENSE for a change, and you go DEFENSE?!?!?! What the fuck!!!!!!! Look, I can see why we wouldn’t want to bring back a White End after Chewy started crashing prom parties, but could we PLEASE get SOMEBODY on offense that can stay healthy besides Favre and Driver? Fortunately, now we have the most depth in the league at defensive tackle, coming in at a Baker’s Dozen. Oh yeah, and he has the injury proclivity to fit in with our receiving corps.

But here's the thing. Everybody says how great a GM Ron Wolf was, but he was very mediocre in the first round. Remember Jamal Reynolds? Antuan Edwards? John Michels? Of course you don't, but I sure as hell do. Ted Thompson from 2000-2004 with Seattle took Alexander, Koren (out of jail finally, sipping his dry martini's on I-43 south, around Sheboygan probably), Steve Hutchinson, Jerramy Stevens, and The Marcuses (Trufant and Tubbs). All of them, save Koren, were starters on the Super Bowl XL team.

Seattle 's starting DT also fights crime.

But therein lies the problem with evaluating any Packers draft as a fan…..every one of us wants to see Favre get back to the Super Bowl. We inherently believe there has to be an Elway-esque ending for him, if only because his legendary curtain call began AGAINST us in a game we were favored to win by two touchdowns. This is like 10 years of trauma here; the NFL owes him another ring. But now we’ve got all this cap space, and no fucking Moss to throw to, and I’m feeling like Teddy KGB, “Veeeeeeeery Unsyateeeeesfyed.” But if A-Rodg pans out – more like if Brett ever allows us to find out if A-Rodg pans out – we could be dangerous in a few years. There’s the rub (Marshawn, take notes).

Overall: C

NFL Draft Recap: Patriots Add Depth at CrazyPants

2007-04-30T13:55:00.000-04:00

Let the "A Rolling Stone gathers Moss" puns start...... Now.

Have you ever wanted to do something once but couldn't? And then you waited a year for your next chance, and as if by magic the same situation presented itself - only this time you could in fact draft Randy Moss and get San Francisco's (likely high) first round pick in the next NFL draft? No? Well then you can go back to your boring ass life right the fuck now.

So the Pats got Moss. Normally, I am wary of Len Pasquarelli over at ESPN.com, but because he's writing what I want to hear, I agree with his article on the Pat's newest acquisition:

On Sunday morning, the NFL's master chemist, Bill Belichick of New England, decided to add perhaps the most combustible element in the league to a Patriots locker room where the chemistry is one of near-perfect balance. But lest explosive yet enigmatic wide receiver Randy Moss be misled into believing he will mess with the equilibrium created by Belichick, personnel chief Scott Pioli, owner Bob Kraft and the band of veteran leaders they have assembled, the five-time Pro Bowl player should be forewarned.

I am crazy. Like, real authentic bat-shit crazy.

Dude wants rings. And he'll shut his trap to get them. If he doesn't act right, he's got Rodney Harrison, Tedy Bruschi, Tom Brady, and a shitload of other vets who will knock him into shape very quickly. And may I take a moment to prempt those who point to the way T.O. poisoned the Eagles - it's worth noting that the only spine in the entire Philly locker room then was floating in McNabb's Chunky Soup.

As for the dude who was actually drafted, Brandon Meriweather, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Granted, he stepped on a player during a brawl and has since fired a handgun in a dorm, but he's from the University of Miami - a place where grades and academics are routinely put before sports and competition. So at least he's got a good head on his shoulders, and that's what counts.

Random note: the Pats also drafted an RB named Justise (Not a misspelling, at least not mine). Add him to Tom "The American Way" Brady, and all we'd need to do is draft Paul "The Truth" Pierce for the trifecta. New England is the heart and soul of America, bitches. Captain America himself is gonna have to move to Natick if this keeps up.

Prediction: The Pats are going to win the Superbowl. Suck it.
Fantasy Prediction: Tom Brady now worth a first round draft pick. Suck it harder this time.

Body Building is a Sport

2007-04-24T16:15:00.000-04:00

You know my definition of sports: if it's got a 'bloopers' reel and there is no Tom Bergeron or Dave Coulier narration, it's probably a sport.

Image from Full House Bloopers*

So here I give you Body Building bloopers. At first I thought the 'blooper' was the part where the weights fall on people, the kid falls through the floor, or a guy gets his nuts bitten by a cat. Then I figured the 'blooper' is that while these men spend time lifting dead weight, their wives and daughters make out with a a real man who doesn't bore them with silly talk about delts and pecs (I tell them the story of my abs instead).

But actually, a blooper is when you get a BJ on the toilet*. Which doesn't even occur in this video. So I think we can conclude that this video is terribly mislabeled.

Oh God, I do not want to see Full House Bloopers now.

Travel Day Observation

2007-04-18T20:42:00.000-04:00

Your jetsetting editor touched down in New Orleans for what promises to be a crazy night of booze, women, mayhem, and incalculable gambling losses at Harrahs sitting in his hotel watching the Sox-Jays game on Yahoo GameChannel.

Upon my arrival here and seeking distractions from my insane cabbie and his increasingly questionable driving decisions, I noticed two things - first, the pawnshops have more business at any given time than the gas stations; and second, the the New Orleans Saints practice facility/HQ is right next to a Budweiser warehouse. Well played Saints, well played indeed.

Also the Super Dome looks like shit. They should change the name from the Super Dome to the The Super Depressing Cylinder That Even Rats Won't Shit in Anymore*. Seriously, you could mount the heads of puppies on stakes around the perimeter of the building and it would double the amount of happiness one gets from looking at it.

*Why don't I ever win building-naming contests?

Curt Schilling Crushes Robert Frost

2007-04-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

I like reading 38 pitches. And in order to give myself a reason to read it word for word, while simultaneously mocking a yankee fan who demands Schilling's blog be unmasked for what it is (Ed Note: uhhhh awesome?), I've decided to show you the poetry within his posts. These phrases are lifted from the most recent post and beyond editing punctuation, remain in the order they were written. These 'poems' are designed to let hidden truths and profounditry* float to the surface. They are also designed to make Dan Shaughnessy's head explode like a Peep in the microwave.

Fact: Dan Shaughnessy's brain is purple, gooey, and looks extremely delicious.

Awareness for the Shade

I remember watching on different occasions.
What he did was touching.
Our opener was one of those times,
The two best splits of the day - top to bottom.
The angels have another power, a back door.

Count as early and often as possible, (down and off the outer half,
knuckling a little bit).

I have no idea when he came here.
We get more breathing room (once again he wins).
This time around I know numbers would take care of reasons.

Weather: wise. But it’s not fun to watch.

I’ll grab the next few days.

*I know it's not a word - it's called poetic license, and it's not limited just to the poem itself. It is? You sure? Well aren't you just Emily Fucking Dickinson. I'm totally gonna kill that kid who made me this fake poetic license. The picture doesn't even look like me!

People in Africa Are Bored

2007-04-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

Today marks another chapter in the eternal struggle of man vs. beast - which at present count is totally in man's favor (how many species have animals forced into extinction? None? Pathetic symbiotic douches). In Hartebeesport, Africa (I did not make that up), a really fast guy named Brian raced a 2 and half year old Cheetah. Because they were racing side by side, they distracted the wild cat by waving a hunk of lamb in front of her. Think about that for a second. They taunted a cat of prey with meat before lining her up next to some available (if not lean) prey. That's like someone dangling a rotisserie chicken in front of Kirstie Alley before she gets behind you in the buffet line. Only with fewer shouts of Stuffanudder Beefy in Mama Mouf! Mmmm I tasty all of dem! You look like appetizer to me small man! MMMMMMM!!! while bones and jello are spit everywhere.

Cheetahs may be able to run fast, but I'm still not eating their creepy yellow snacks.

The result? Well, I thought the result would be something for Big Daddy Drew's Kill Kill Kill tag, but I was wrong. The Cheetah decided to humiliate the guy by beating him twice and then not eating him. For the record, if I was bested in anything by even a distant relative of Garfield, I'd wanna be consumed on the spot out of principle, you know? And for those of you who say Garfield isn't real, I say look at the funny pages. He's right there, isn't he? Oh how he tortures that adorable Odie!

Matt Cassell Is Gonna Be A Star

2007-04-13T11:12:00.000-04:00

I was asked recently to rip Curt Schilling a new one about how arrogant his blog is or else I would lose 'credibility'. This was coming from the worldwide arbiter of credibility, mind you - he's got the mug in his office to prove it. It's next to his Clean Hands & Face Award, and a sticker that says "I Voted!". That's not the kind of shit they give out for free, people.

But I'm not willing to mock His Curtness. He hasn't done anything worth jeering in my opinion. Except bring an elusive championship back to a storied franchise at the expense of the hated Yankees, of course. When the time comes, I'll be the first to demand he be put in his place - a little town called Cooperstown, NY seems about right. So we'll work our way up slowly, from the bottom. Instead of mocking one of the best pitchers to ever grace the game, we'll look at a second string quarterback. Via With Leather, I present the musical gifts and groovy moves of Pats Backup QB Matt Cassell:

There's a reason that Matt Cassell also spells "Smallest Act."

Did I mention he's a good dancer? I wonder why not.

I'm guessing this is the song that he uses to get pumped up before every game. Personally, I don't need any music to get ready for anything, much less a sporting event. It's probably because I embody all that is sport and possess competitive fire*. But also it's because I can't hear anything over all the loud screaming voices that constantly follow me wherever I go. I used to think I was crazy, but it turns out it's just a wild pack of sex-crazed supermodels who follow me around 24/7 begging for me to acknowledge their romantic pleas. Yup, again.

*Is a race to burn down the most houses considered competitive fire? No? What if it's timed? Fuck.

Shady Ladies

2007-04-11T14:55:00.000-04:00

If you've got time to kill (and if you're reading this, you do), I strongly urge you to wander over to Kissing Suzy Kolber, where you can see what happens when women are not seen, but heard. The women of Ladies... took over KSK because they won a bet (stupid NCAA) where the winner won posting privileges to the loser's site for a day.

Half of the comments are KSK readers giving them props for their witty ways, while the other half is those same guys awkwardly hitting on those theiving harlots. Just sad. I don't know what makes me immune to their siren song. Maybe it's my tantric sex awards, maybe it's my baby panda rescue service, or it could just be my volunteer work for chiseled abs anonymous. I don't know. I mean, I'm like the rest of these guys, I'm not a superhero or anything. Well at least not anymore. I gave up my powers for true love.

MLB Enforces its Blue Laws

2007-04-10T15:30:00.000-04:00

LATE UPDATE: Go Here & Save Pesky.

Last month, the Boston Globe reported that Johnny Pesky - as much a fixture in the Red Sox home dugout as chaw-clogged cleats, a river of gatorade backwash, and saliva-drenched sunflower seeds - will no longer be allowed to remain in the dugout, thanks to MLB's decision to enforce a rule pertaining to limits on uniformed personnel in the dugout (take THAT elderly WWII veterans!). To be honest, I figured the Sox would work around this - make him a groundskeeper or something. No dice.

"We've been breaking the rule all along," Sox general manager Theo Epstein said yesterday, "and they told us they were going to strictly enforce it -- heavy fines that progressively get heavier every day he's in the dugout."

Official Logo of the Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund
Join the JPLDF today - F MLB in the A!!!

Like that creepy dude in my neighborhood, see if you can follow me on this one: There's approximately 72 home games left, all basically sold out, and Fenway capacity's hovers around 38,805. Would you pay an extra quarter per ticket to let Pesky sit in the dugout? I sure as hell would. While Sox tickets continue to rocket skyward, at least I would know where the money goes as I sit in my obstructed view seat. At a quarter per ticket, you would generate roughly 10K per game. For the season, that's 720K for Johnny Pesky Legal Defense Fund. Or maybe you could just add that quarter onto the price of beer, and that generate approx $43.25 (no one can afford the beer at Fenway). Finally, corporate america/Dunkin Donuts could join in and put a quarter onto its beverages for one day for the JPLDF - either in place of the aforementioned possibilities or in addition to them.

I can think of no more rewarding feeling than handing over a fine to MLB at the end of each home game. Every home stand would have a new way of proudly paying up - delivering an oversized check, a formal presentation at the first pitch, or just have fans throw rolls of quarters onto the field at the end of the game (instead of during A-Rod's at bats like usual). It would make every game feel like a win. Plus, who is Ortiz gonna hug after he jacks a homerun? If Pesky's absence causes a Papi hitting slump, paying the fine would be considered an investment.

The point is, we don't care if Pesky held the ball, we're holding onto him.

ESPWN3D, Vol II

2007-04-10T11:24:00.000-04:00

Last week, when Shrutebag took down The Big Lead, it was cool to see the online sports community rally around one of their own. As the Big Lead says themselves:

A week ago, were just another sports blog with some bandwidth and a voice; now we’ve got lawyers pressing us to file a lawsuit and readers urging us to take this to the FCC. Wild stuff.

What's wrong with this picture? You guessed it. No Angie "The Hotness" Harmon.
Unless... she's Batman. Of Course! It all makes sense!

Much like balancing my checkbook and wearing clean underpants, I find this whole thing fascinating and at the same time incomprehensible. They link to a sports law blog (seriously) which I find even more compelling and mysterious.

One last point on framing the appropriate analogue: Much depends on how the DNS attack was carried out. Was it in fact the lawful act of many Cowherd listeners accessing the site at once? Or was it done by a small number of individuals using computer programs to constantly reload the site (apparently as often as once per second)? If the latter, it begins to look more like so-called "cyber-vandalism" and less like a large number of people lawfully accessing the site.

Check it out, it's fun to read and try and make sense of. I'll admit, I got lost at "analogue" - which is either a word they made up, or a description of poo. I don't know which, but those are the only two options.

Tom Brady is an African Champion

2007-04-04T10:23:00.001-04:00

Tom Brady spent eight days traveling Uganda and Ghana as part of his involvement with the One Campaign - or what I like to call the Seriously? We're going to try white rubbery bracelets now? Because Bono said so? Fuck this. Campaign

At first I thought Brady might be there to publicly apologize/take credit for the population explosion in Africa, or that it was a trip for Gisele to do some diet research, but the article goes on to say that "Tom is a True Champion for Africa... [He] has been a leader in spreading awareness about the issues of African poverty and disease." which I have to admit is 100% true. Going back over the years, looking at quotes, it's harder to find a quote where he's not discussing geopolitical instability, famine relief, crushing poverty, the rampant AIDS pandemic and debt forgiveness. For example:

"My sisters like cooking at my place. It has a bit more room, and the food tastes a little bit better. A big pot of spaghetti and sauce, some warm French bread - works all the time. I think I've been eating pasta for 26 years."

"When you hang with a bunch of 300-pound linemen, you tend to find the places that are the greasiest and serve the most food."

"I don't care about three years ago, ... I don't care about two years ago. I don't care about last year. The only thing I care about is this week."

Great. Now this little boy is pregnant.

Ok. Maybe those were bad examples. Maybe he's never signaled the slightest interest in the world outside of Gilette Stadium. If a fleeting interest in Africa qualifies Tom Brady as a national leader on the issue, then I anxiously await my Presidential Medal of Honor for adult website surfing at work.

Though the One Campaign is a little less than honest about Brady's experience, Brady himself was more frank:

"This was my first trip to Africa and it was an eye-opener," said Brady. "I saw the best and brightest of the human spirit in the face of incredible poverty that most of us just can't comprehend. I've learned that we as Americans, living in the greatest country in the world, can save innocent lives ravaged by AIDS with something as small as a 25 cent pill. When you see what CAN be done, it's impossible to not be driven to do more -- the needs are still overwhelming. This won't be my last visit to Africa and I hope to pass along what I've learned here to others who will listen."

He then added, "Mostly by sperm.I will pass along what I've learned through lots and lots of sperm."

In the end, what have we learned? I like to think it's that even the most famous and wealthy people in the world have hearts and are willing to push their own envelopes to do good for others. Or maybe it's that the crises in Africa are so overwhelming and urgent that people like Tom Brady are willing to stop what they are doing and pitch it. That would be nice. But it's probably more along the lines of: when not playing football, Tom Brady hangs out with people who don't eat anything.

Support A-Rod with Soothing Techno, Not Boos.

2007-03-28T14:31:00.001-04:00

Via Deadspin comes a new A-Rod themed site that truly ups the ante in awkward internet sports obsession. The sad premise is A-Rod needs cuddling and positive affirmation to succeed at his wildly enriching and untaxing profession. And through the power of love of the game and happiness and, positive thinking, and... I'll be honest, I couldn't really get past the first few pages because reading all this crap made my head fill with images of bear cubs frolicking with each other under sunny rainbows at the fluffy puppy birthday jamboree.

C'mon everyone! Alex is up to bat! Let's clap till we puke at how pathetic
and delicate even his most ardent and imbalanced fans know he is!

You think 38pitches is a bit over the top in its fan-appreciation of a player? Try this little nugget on for size:

Think about it. Have you ever seen a player more in need of positive support—especially from his fans at home—than A-Rod? Here is a man with otherworldly physical skills—the fastest player to 400 home runs, two-time AL MVP, ten-time All-Star, a Gold Glove, and on and on and on—and yet in four playoff series for the New York Yankees, his average has closely resembled a fading ray of the light attached to the setting sun...brilliant at first, and then quickly, sadly, nonexistent... 421... 258... 133... 071... Does anyone see a pattern here? [Ed Note: Uhhhh... elipses....?] Do you think Alex was dropped from fourth, to fifth, to sixth and then eighth in the lineup because his physical skills are diminishing—at 31—or for some other, intangible reason?

I am assuming that the intangible reason is the thunderous home crowd booing, but it might also be that people throw batteries at him. I can't be sure, because I'm not really in the mood to go look up what 'intangible' means. It's probably some cosmic new age term involving a goddess and the alignment of stars or some shit. Thanks but no thanks, Yanni.

Shockingly, Eddie Griffin Ruins Something

2007-03-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

Not content with keeping his signature "I'll turn this to shit" touch limited to film and sitcoms, Comedian (?) Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo during a practice for an upcoming movie. The Ferrari Enzo was valued at $1.5 million, and belonged to the producer of the movie.

"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive," Griffin, referring to one his past films, said after the accident.

This is excellent in almost every way. First, you have have one of only 400 Ferraris crashing (awesome? check). Then you see it belongs to the douchebag producer who was using the film as a way to flaunt his exotic and expensive car collection (rich guy feeling stupid and sad? check). And finally, it involves Eddie Griffin ruining something that's not his, like what he did to UPN and every movie he's ever been in, watched, or even heard about. (completely avoidable situation? check). This accident is a metaphor for the man's entire career.

As the sole owner of the other 399 Ferrari Enzo's still out there, I plan to hire Eddie Griffin to crash one per day for the next 399 days. This will not only spare us from Eddie Griffin movies for at least a year, but it will also be a new way for me to display my own opulent lifestyle for my harem of sexy supermodels who are tired of using cold diamonds to cool their drinks and watching me swiffer my kitchen with live baby California Condors.

You can see the movie trailer below. The tagline is Fear Nothing. Risk Everything. I think they should consider my suggested tagline: Is that the Kid from Dawson's Creek? If it is, his forehead is smaller than it used to be. Was he sick or something?

UPDATE: Here's the good stuff:

But Do They Have a '97 UVM Bongwater?

2007-03-16T10:18:00.000-04:00

Mike Vick is opening a restaurant, called The Tasting Room.

"I can't play football forever. I'm going to have to become an entrepreneur and make my money grow. This is a step in a different direction. I'm trying to do some things differently."

Judging by the name of the place and the desire to make his money grow, I think it's clear he's decided to sell weed en masse - just in a nicer place than an alley or my parent's garage. He's also making the classic moves when trying to become a drug lord. Or at least the ones I've picked up from the first 5 episodes of The Wire.

1. Advertise your shit
2. Create a front organziation
3. Keep your name off it
4. Tell Wee-Bay to shoot people.

This shit's reddish, and that other shit ain't.

I like to think that Mike Vick knows a lot about wine and amassed years of knowledge by experimenting with complex pairings - rare beaujoulais and Doritos crumbles, argentinian syrahs and tubs of cool whip, delicate pinot grigios and Subway. My palette developed like this too, when I was addicted to Boones Farm and mexican food. I remember I was selling my valuable possessions just to get a quick fix of some salsa fresca. I got to the point where I was injecting it between my toes and rubbing it in my eyes just to get high. It was a low period for me, but I try to remember it as delicious.

I'm looking forward to seeing this become an ongoing offseason adventure.

Springtime is Clutchtime

2007-03-15T09:53:00.000-04:00

As baseball season begins in earnest soon, we'll read and hear about how clutch certain players are. But baseball clutch should be its own separate kind of clutch - just like golf clutch and hooker clutch.* These events aren't fast paced and there is an eerie stillness, which serves to intensify the experience. But to be truly clutch, you need a running clock. And nobody's got true clutch down like Larry Bird. Here's a video of Bird's buzzer beaters that is 5 minutes long. 5 minutes of buzzer beaters. Considering a buzzer beater lasts about 3 or four seconds (from the countdown to the shot), the sheer length of the montage is an accomplishment. Sure, Danny Ainge says stuff in interviews, but that doesn't count because when he talks, all I hear is circus music. I trained myself to do that. It makes the Celtics infinitely more watchable.

The other best part is the way Bird makes the same running-awkward-hop-lob shot a few times in a row. I used to do that when I was 8 and still hadn't figured out basic motor skills and hand-eye coordination. Sure, kids made fun of me - but then I punched them in the neck with a roll of quarters in my hand. As an added bonus, my hand-neck coordination got much better.

*I was going to use the word strangle, but let's be honest - you can't strangle a dead hooker. Clutch offers a bit of dignity.

Golf clutch videos below:

What the hell dude.

Look at that backswing! It's the kind that any boyfriend of Tara Reid would love to have.

UPDATE: The 8 Minutes of Clutch Kobe Bryant videos don't count either because I'm pretty sure 7 minutes of it is him sitting in a court room.

He Lays it In! Forever.

2007-02-22T16:46:00.000-05:00

DJ joins Johnny Most.

MLB Spring Training

2007-02-22T13:07:00.000-05:00

I meant to post this for when spring training started on Feb 17th to inspire the players of Major League Baseball, but I failed. I didn't take it Higher & Higher. I'll never let that happen again.

Baseball is Out of Ideas

2007-02-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

Baseball, in an awkwardly pathetic attempt to appear modern and cutting edge, decided to fuck with wool hats and make them out of whatever weird shit they make Under Armor out of or something. I don't know. Read the article. Just a reminder, Bud, that the coolest part of baseball is it's decidedly not modern in play or equipment. A ball. A bat. A glove. Christ, it doesn't even have a clock.

On opening day, the sport will doff the traditional wool cap in favor of a new polyester blend model designed to wick away sweat before it can stream down a player's face.
The change is part of commissioner Bud Selig's focus on boosting player performance, a Major League Baseball official said, and follows a general trend toward moisture-managing "performance" materials in sports apparel.

In broaching the change, New Era was well aware of the 100 percent wool cap's long-standing place in baseball history, DeWaal said. Aside from tweaks here and there -- a switch from leather sweatbands to cloth in the 1980s, for example -- this is the first major overhaul of the baseball cap since the current, six-panel model was adopted in 1954, he said"There's a lot of tradition in baseball and we couldn't completely go against that tradition so we always had that as a parameter," DeWaal said, "but we wanted to take as open-minded a look at this as possible."
"By revolutionizing the cap, we're ensuring the players headwear provides the best performance while they play," New Era Chief Executive Officer Christopher Koch said.

Next up, I got an idea for these snazzy plastic numbers. Gonna Revolutionize them.

Let's call this what it is - a cheap shot at Trot Nixon's penchant for dirty headwear - who I imagine will now be forced to take a crap directly on his hat and smear it around to get that worn-in look. Would liked to have seen that (God we're gonna miss him). It's also a nice big fuck you to the fans who will be expected to buy these awful futuristic things if they want real player apparel. I don't know what I'd do if didn't have the hook-ups for their worn apparel that I do now*. The sad thing is that athletes in general don't need to be pampered any more than they already are. Does Pac Man Jones need a super-absorbant headband on when he's beating up strippers? No. He is at peak performance because he's fueled by drugs and an inflated sense of self-importance, not his gear - because when you're in the zone, it doesn't matter what you're wearing. And that's what is really important. I think my point is clear.

*Note: By "hook-ups" I mean access to public garbage bins and "worn apparel" I mean used Band-aids. No you're gross. No YOU are.

I Learned it From Watching You

2007-02-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

I've always admired soccer hooligans for their passion, commitment and ability to sing team's fight songs while withstanding multiple tear-gassings by law enforcement. I've wondered where this kind of behavior comes from and where responsibility lies. Well I think we finally have the culprit: the ever-lethal mix of soccer players and karaoke:

Liverpool striker Craig Bellamy added a new twist to the problem of soccer violence last week when he attacked a teammate. The Wales forward allegedly hit John Arne Riise in the legs with a golf club while Liverpool was in Portugal at a training camp preparing for a Champions League match against defending champion FC Barcelona.
Bellamy now faces a fine of $155,000 and an uncertain future with the 18-time English league champions.

If teammates whacking each other with golf clubs after a night out isn't absurd enough, consider the reason for the fight -- they were arguing about a karaoke competition.

They were probably arguing over who was gonna do the horn part of Sweet Caroline ("Dah Dah Dah!!!") . The purist in me says leave it out completely because it's not even in the song, but then there's that other part of me that just wants to belt out every sweet note Neil Diamond ever wrote. I think that's the same part of me that says it's OK for dudes to really like Prince.

No, not me - a different Bellamy. I assault people's minds with my humor.
Wanna talk about how white people and black people are humorously different?
Why are you punching me?
You know what, keep punching, I miss the attention.

Either way, what we have here is a free swinger who's definitely in the wrong sport. Change "Portugal at a training camp" to Vegas Strip Club and "preparing for a Champions League match against defending champion FC Barcelona" to Partying with Pac Man Jones , and you can see this is NFL class assault - deranged, creative, and wildly awesome.

Note: What the fuck happened to Bill Bellamy? And how do we spread it to others? Let's take his blankets and give them out to Tara Reid, Paris, Britney, and Carrot Top in hopes they too pass into the netherworlds. Christopher Columbus would be proud.

When Lovers Grow Apart

2007-02-20T09:40:00.000-05:00

Link

BoSox's Owner is Vulnerable, Awkward. Sky Still Blue.

2007-02-16T15:20:00.000-05:00

With a name like John Henry you are supposed to be the meatiest and manliest of all manly men, passing through town in your overalls, swinging an ax in one hand and carrying off the prettiest wench in the other while the townsfolk are suspended in laughter in awe. The kind of man that makes Tom Brady feel inadequate. But what the Red Sox have in their owner is a man (possibly undead) who manages to look perpetually disoriented and medicated. Via State House News Service (subscription req'd) I see he stopped by the new Governor's office:

SOX OWNER HENRY DROPS IN ON PATRICK: Lacking, he said, an appointment to see the governor, Red Sox owner John Henry nonetheless visited Gov. Deval Patrick’s third-floor office today. His appearance coincided with a crush of reporters leaving a Patrick press conference, rendering the media-shy Henry vulnerable to scattered questions from unprepared reporters. Discussing new Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka, Henry said, “Is he poised or what?” Henry said he was “on my way” to Sox spring training camp in Florida. After a few awkward moments, a Patrick aide emerged from the inner suites and escorted Henry there.

The cracking and settling of my bones disgusts you, I can tell.

The best part is that he says he was "on his way" to spring training. He's basically a mix between Abe Simpson and Mr. Burns.

When I walk into the Governor's Office uninvited, I go in there like I mean business. And everyone from the State Police Guard to the other State Police Guard take notice, often with their tasers. But you know what? If you want to make sure they put the ASS back in Massachusetts, it's not gonna be easy, and you gotta start at the top.

Gambling with Dice

2007-02-16T10:20:00.000-05:00

A prediction: At the end of the season this guy will have better overall pitching stats than this guy. The reason is very simple. Guy number one (Hideki Okajima) carries his own luggage and is driving around in what appears to be either the emasculating Pontiac Vibe, nerdy Toyota Matrix, or my parents' minivan. These are the actions of someone who is forced to earn his place and respect on the team. He has got something to prove.

This car does not prove much other than a startling lack of dignity

Guy Number two (Daisuke Matsuzaka, Dice-K*), drives an Escalade, and the team pays for a personal masseuse, physical therapist, an assistant, a translator, a fly pad for him and his wife, his transportation, and they'll foot the bill on 80-90 flights to and from Japan every year. In addition, Johnny Pesky has to feed him grapes on the bench and he won't have to buy drinks for Hazel Mae when she dances for him.

If Dice-WTF is less than perfect for even one inning, he'll hear it from the press and from the fans immediately. Picture him in his free apartment looking over the city skyline as a nubile assistant rubs oil on him while Johnny Pesky picks the seeds from grapes. Then imagine him wincing at the stinging commentary on how overpaid and over-accommodated he is after he loses his first game. Granted, he won't actually hear about it because his translator will surely change it to something like, "Would you like another happy ending from personal masseuse?" That shit gets me every time.

To be fair, Dice-WTF does carry his own bags.** And also that Nike one.

The point is, Dice-WTF cannot exceed expectations, let alone live up to them. Guy Number two can hit a guy in the face and half of Boston will high five at the improvement in his control. And that it was a Yankee.

*If this name is allowed to stand, I am gonna punch everyone.

**Two moobs references in two days? No, you're mailing it in. No YOU are.

The Pats Had a Wide Receiver Coach. Really.

2007-02-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

The New York Jets snared the New England Patriots Wide Receivers Coach, according to ESPN.

In a switch that could further strain the relationship between the franchises, New England Patriots wide receivers coach Brian Daboll has left the team to accept a position on the staff of New York Jets head coach Eric Mangini.
Daboll will work under Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer, but his role has yet to be determined.
In 2002, Daboll was promoted to wide receivers coach, a position he held for the past five seasons. New York already has a wide receivers coach in Noel Mazzone, so Daboll, who drew praise from Belichick last season for his part in working with a revamped Patriots wide receiver corps, might function more as an assistant head coach.
Daboll was responsible for areas of the passing game and for coordinating many of New England's personnel packages on offense.
The move obviously reunites Daboll and Mangini, who worked on the New England staff together for six seasons.

Now some casual observers of the game might say that what the Jets got was a coach who doesn't promote himself over the team, and has a 5 year history of coaching-up receivers like David Givens, Deion Branch, Bethel Johnson, and Reche Caldwell, only to have an off-year this past season because the Pats' WR crop was the worst in 5 years. Others might wonder how he was able to get Super Bowl caliber performances out of these cast-offs. Still others might be crying silently in their cubicle at this news, calling their dads but hanging up every time he answers because you just know he'll see through your efforts to stay composed. He always does. He was hard on you - God was he hard - but he taught you more about life and about love than you'll ever know.

Get me Bra Oil and make it Bland. Also make it an assistant coach.

An outside option is that Mangini took Brian Dobell because the letters of his name can be rearranged to spell Bland Bra Oil. One look at Mangini's moobs and you know he'd try just about anything to stop the chafing.

Sayonardo - We DiNardly Knew Ya.

2007-02-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

"From Dallas, Texas, the flash -- apparently official. The Lenny DiNardo blog died at 1 p.m. Central Standard Time -- a half hour ago." (Graham)

From my good friend Jim at the Lenny DiNardo Blog (who's post title was worthy of reproduction/outright theft), I learned than Lenny DiNardo of the Boston Red Sox has been claimed off waivers by the Oakland Athletics.

Semi-Serious Heart Felt Moment Including Flashback

2004 - In a bar in Washington DC, I sat among friends drinking pitchers of beer and watched the Red Sox open the bullpen to reveal a new face. A young guy who actually ran from the bullpen instead of doing that awkward trot/run/walk (or that slow Jabba-like slither that Wells did). And upon seeing this fresh face, a friend of mine became convinced upon hearing the name Lenny, that this kid was going to save the Red Sox. What other conclusion was possible at that moment? There is a specific feeling one gets when they decide- at random - to invest their hope and and faith in someone as random as the actual decision. It made every game infinitely more watchable (Is this the game DiNardo unleashes his fury? No? Damn. Next time), and was nice to give props to someone who didn't ask for it. And while he wasn't up to the level of Virgin-Mary-On-Toast worship, he was worthy of praise none the less. Godspeed & God Bless, Lenny.

And when there was only one set of footprints, that was me pitching for you. And you were on my back. It was hard.

And as for Jim - he did not just start the DiNardo bandwagon, he built the fucker. And he has the homemade DiNardo T shirt (and the resulting awkward high fives from others who've seen it) to prove it.

< /semi-serious moment >

In a related note, Oakland just got a really inconsistent middle-releiver.

Here's hoping Lenny shows up as a color commentator for NESN in 15 years. They could really use a lefty.

Quick Hit

2007-02-14T10:08:00.000-05:00

This is why I am just as qualified to be a sports pundit as any of the other lummoxes they've got in Bristol, CT

Braves Sold, TV Freed

2007-02-13T14:42:00.000-05:00

The Atlanta Braves were sold by the Turner Broadcasting Company to another humungoid behemoth of an organization that is probably named somewhere in this article.

Editors Note: Before we move on to the article, I think this is a good time to ask how these huge companies can possibly be "entertainment" companies. A good rule of thumb is that the larger something gets (ie strippers, my Uncle Lenny), the less entertainment is involved.

Atlanta Braves president Terry McGuirk said Tuesday fans should expect a "transparent" ownership transition if the team's sale from Time Warner to Liberty Media is approved by Major League Baseball.

TBS drops baseball for more cutting edge terror-tainment.

Dude, fuck Braves fans. I want to know how this sale is going to affect all NON-Braves fans. Does this mean all of us TBS addicts no longer have to suffer through every fucking Braves game this season? TBS can finally return to what it does best (other than paying for lite brite terror )- showing reruns of Sex in the City and Clueless (The movie, not the series. That TV show was for kids!), while I pretend I want my lady to turn it off... OK fine, well after this commercial... Maybe just ten more minutes... OMG! I can't believe he's gay! This is just like Shakespeare but on a level I can understand!

Hey where'd my balls go?

Stephen Jackson Makes You Wanna Dump! Dump!

2007-02-13T10:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday it was reported that law-abiding Warrioirs guard Stephen Jackson had testified that he dishcarged his gun in order to stop a brawl that he started.

He said he fired a couple of shots in the air to break up the fight, and then the car hit him.

Whoa that's awesome. How did he start the brawl? Why by being Stephen Jackson of course.

Jackson testified that when he was walking from the club to his car, a man approached him shouting, "dump, dump!"

"Where I'm from, 'dump' means pull out your gun and shoot," he said.

Pacers guard Jamaal Tinsley testified that he also grabbed his gun and put it in his pocket when he heard "dump." He did not fire any shots and was not charged.

Jackson said the man, identified by prosecutors as Willford's cousin, Quentin "Fingers" Willford, had one hand in a back pocket and another in his shirt. The fight started after Jackson and those with him realized Willford had no weapon.

"It was like an all-out brawl," Jackson said. "I started seeing more and more faces I didn't know."

There's almost too much awesomeness here to process. Everyone is armed to the teeth, someone actually named "Fingers" runs down a baller, and a new slang for popping a wanksta is introduced to mainstream America.

One of these days, Jackson's time is going to run out. It always does when you're in the game. Drawing from my own experiences on the block, hustlin, just tryin' to get my ends - one day you're holdin' it down, and the next you fall and scrape your knee really bad in your street's cul de sac because the landscaper left some woodchips at the end of the driveway. True Story.

When his time does come, I hope I'm there to see Jackson tell God that the dress code in heaven is racist.

HT: onemoredyingquail

A Snake Throws in Texas?

2007-02-12T15:43:00.000-05:00

According to John Clayton of ESPN,

The David Carr era may be coming to an end. Gary Kubiak appears to be seriously looking at trading for Jake Plummer. Where that leaves Carr is anyone's guess. The Texans are tired of losing.

But I thought they were tired of losing. No one has ever said, "The game's on the line, send in The Snake." Except of course these people. And to be honest, if your fans are myspace-based, it's more likely that they have a better working knowledge of a minor's anatomy than the game of football. I'm not saying everyone on myspace is a pervert trolling for jailbait, mind you. All I'm saying is that they're all HUGE perverts.

Word is that the Texans' front office plans to take the $16 million cap space they have and give it to Mario Williams for that... uhhh... awesome thing.... he did... that one time... when.... Nope, nuthin.

Neil Diamond once tried to kill me just to get an erection.

JD Drew Eats Like Jesus

2007-02-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

Red Sox $70 million dollar man has found a new diet regimen:

His lifestyle change came when Drew, a born-again Christian, learned of the Maker's Diet, a dietary approach based on health precepts found in the Bible. The diet includes a product line called Living Fuel, featuring supplement drinks and energy bars that Drew relies on before each game.

I think somewhere in Matthew it says that Jesus liked the Banana From Heaven flavored energy bars the most, and found others either too tough, chalky, or sinful.

Actually, I was all prepared to poke fun at Drew's bible diet, but was informed that it’s the same principle behind keeping kosher. This brings up three things:

1. I now have a more correct understanding of ‘Keeping Kosher’

2. Based on this new definition, I will release the Kosher I have kept in my basement (though I will miss his company).

3. I finally have a title for my sitcom pilot! It’ll be like Judging Amy in the sense that the title plays off her role as a judge. In this case Keeping Kosher will be about a very religious goalie. Who fights crime of course.

Note: Read the whole article to understand just how desperate/crazy Drew is. It's like he hit Michael Jackson's yard sale. Hyperbaric Chamber? Sold!

The Bill Belichick System Works in Love. Sort of.

2007-02-08T09:58:00.000-05:00

Bill Belichick has made a career of turning otherwise who-dats into legitmate threats. Two years ago, David Givens and David Patten were incredible receivers for the Patriots, and now Givens is somewhere in Tennessee.. err… doing something… and I think Patten has been filming himself catching passes in front of his video camera. Regardless of where they are now, these were two players that Belichick got for cheap and made them better than they were without him.

But can Patten rock a head band like this guy?

Now it appears Belichick took the system into his love life:

The New Jersey mom who is allegedly fooling around with New England Patriots head coach Bill Belechick, has received cash and gifts from the gridiron guru totaling more than $80,000 over the past two years - a windfall she tried to hide from the court.

Under questioning by attorneys for her husband Vincent Shenocca, the blond stay-at-home soccer mom detailed the caches of cash her alleged pigskin sugardaddy provided - some $3,000 a month beginning in June 2005 and continuing to the present.

A windfall to her maybe, but that shit is couch money to the hooded sensei. What he got here is a pick from deep in the draft, determined her worth, and stayed within his salary cap (the amount it would take for his wife to notice he was paying a mistress).

Now the ice goes on my nuts.

But then the system breaks up. Too many loose strings, too many chinks in the armor:
(via Ben Maller)

Sharon Shenocca, 41, admitted she lied to the New Jersey family court in November 2005 when she claimed she got no dough from Belichick. Under questioning by attorneys for her husband Vincent Shenocca, the blond stay-at-home soccer mom detailed the caches of cash her alleged pigskin sugardaddy provided - some $3,000 a month beginning in June 2005 and continuing to the present. Additionally, Sharon testified that Belichick bought a $2.2 million home in Brooklyn where she intends to live with her two kids. The four-bedroom, two-bath brownstone was purchased in the name BR Realty Trust - a handle her husband’s attorneys contend stands for Belichick and Radigan. Radigan is Sharon Shenocca’s maiden name.

Kids?! House?! The only thing that makes this OK is if she became his Troy Brown. You know, she would play both ways and he could watch.

I Miss Dolemite

2007-02-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

It's a slow day. No, fuck YOU.

Rexecution

2007-02-05T13:40:00.000-05:00

Superbowl Diary

2007-02-05T12:54:00.000-05:00

1st Quarter

Phil Simms says it over and over - Peyton Maneen. He deserves a good teabaggeen if you know what I mean.
Awesome intro graphics: everyone's folding their arms and saying their names. Except Marvin Harrison. I have no idea why.
First quarter and we already see Rex "Fuck it, I'm Going Deep" Grossman. Gotta love that.
3:05: "The rain is ABSOLUTELY haveen a little effect" Way to take a stand, phil.
3:00: Benson fumbles. Puppy Bowl is less sloppy at this point. And they are actually shitting on the field.

2nd Quarter

Coke commercial. Does the dead hooker pile come back to life? This remains unanswered.
11:22: #4 misses. I think its his moobs.
I will never touch a dorito or register 6 ever again.
Manning scrambles!
Apparently I'm drunk or the camera is blurry. (I'm going with drunk based on my hallucination of maneen scrambleen).
Colts get the TD. Manning asks the sideline: go for one? Two? One? Two? Let's be a little more judicious with the slow mo from now on, ok?
Commercial: a robot dreams of dying! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
4:00: Nice shot of an emotionless Benson sitting on a bench in the rain - cold, hooded and alone. It's like seeing into the future. What you can't see yet is the sign asking for money and me throwing a milkshake on him.

Halftime:

Shannon Sharpe: "SHIBBA SHABBA!! FLIPPA DADDA BADDADOOBA. HABBA KNABBA SIPPAH SLIMMA!"

Good Talk Shannon. See you out there.

Prince does Queen? Fitting. Nothing like a blue smurf singing about purple. This just goes to show 1.) Women love midgets. 2.) Or they love to writhe around them. 3.) Or that these women are well paid. By the way, if you like Prince, you have to like Clay Aiken. Consistency demands it.

3rd Quarter

ZZZZZZZZZ -- whu? wha? oh. nuthin' (scratches balls). ZZzzzz

4th Quarter
Simms says: "The key is not to panic and throw it every down"
Rex says: "I just hit Phi Simms wife. Now look how far I can huck this thing."

AND......
Tony Dungy gets hit with a sports beverage. Rex with multiple paternity suits.

More Motiviation

2007-02-02T15:38:00.000-05:00

Link.

Motivationally Speaking

2007-02-02T12:15:00.000-05:00

Link.

Don't Ride Them, Dipshits.

2007-02-01T13:24:00.000-05:00

There. I just saved everyone an assload of money by reaching the eventual conclusions of the new research initiative studying Equine Health & Safety & Other Assorted Bullshit by the National Thoroughbred Racing Association.

"The outpouring of emotion and support from racing fans has been so amazing that we wanted to find a fitting way for those fans and our industry to honor Barbaro," NTRA chief executive Alex Waldrop said. "We anticipate a busy few months as we work together to assist projects that can have a great impact on the health and safety of thoroughbreds and, through our focus on laminitis, horses of other breeds as well."

You know how you could honor Barbaro? Take his owners and put a whip-happy midget on them while they run at full sprint for a mile in the dirt. At the end, give them a fucking carrot. Repeat until death.

Troy Keeps it Real

2007-02-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

So Troy "He of Alternating Vowels" Polamalu legally changed his name from some other vowel-heavy arrangement to Polamalu - the name already on official documents like his drivers license and Social Security Card.

Polamalu has many meanings and translations. According to an interview a year ago today (spooky!):

Troy Polamalu was asked what his last name means. "I could tell you it means long-haired warrior," he said. "But that wouldn't be true."

I suspect it means, "Shrouded in Hairy Secrecy." But when I put it into the Shannon Sharpe Translator, it means, Pull My Leg

"Troy, well he Pol-a-ma-lu. Flabba"

He Was a Fucking Horse

2007-01-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

The NYT opines on the death of Barbaro. I crush my testicles with a lobster cracker. Both elicit the same low, haunting moan of regret - but only one was carried out in a futile, inappropriate, and misguided effort to know what it is to be human. The other was because I was dared to.

He's Just Sleeping

2007-01-29T14:07:00.000-05:00

So Barbaro (who, as it was determined was NOT a magical unicorn or anything like that), was put down after succumbing to an injury and receiving more healthcare in the last 8 months than most people in third world nations ever do in their entire lifespan. At least we’re keeping it in perspective, right?

Oh wait. Wrong:

"This horse was a hero," said David Switzer, executive director of the Kentucky Thoroughbred Association. "His owners went above and beyond the call of duty to save this horse. It's an unfortunate situation, but I think they did the right thing in putting him down."

Brilliant on the race track, Barbaro always will be remembered for his brave fight for survival.

He’ll also live on holding macaroni to construction paper in second grade projects and for being crapped out by dogs. One or the other.

Side Note: which is more disturbing: The pictures, or the fact that they came up when I typed “horsie” into google images? But you gotta be impressed by those abs! They're magnificent.

Shopping Cart Racers are Winners, Nekkid.

2007-01-29T10:18:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, NYC’s “hipsters” (read: unemployed) raced from Brooklyn to Queens in various ‘uniforms’ while pushing modified shopping carts. Obviously, a bunch of semi-nude idiots throwing food at each other required the presence of an NYPD helicopter (I assume this is the one they use for Stephon Marbury, but the Knicks were losing in Milwaukee this weekend, so it was free).

In a competition for whose parents must be proudest, it is a 15-way tie for first, last, and disappointment

I am seen in only a few pictures from the event (team COBRA’s locomotive cart). Actually, I am in tons of photos, but because I am part vampire I’m invisible in pictures. True Story.

All pictures here.

UPDATE: Behold some rockin' videos:

Chuck Norris Better Watch the Eff Out

2007-01-24T13:54:00.000-05:00

Via Sports by Brooks and reader DP, what we have here is the culmination of youth sport culture.... a roundhouse kick to the face. Or as I like to call the move, "Why's my dinner cold?!"

Immediate update: There's also this one:

If YouTube is meant for something other than watching people get hurt, I don't wanna know what it is.

Allen Iverson is a Little Giant

2007-01-23T11:57:00.000-05:00

We're dressed the same and both grabbing our shorts. We're like sisters!

Is it me or do they both look exhausted from writing funny things on each other's arms? I bet those sleeves are covering the pictures of dicks and swear words.

Super Bowl + Marriage = Turd of an Idea

2007-01-19T11:11:00.001-05:00

Via Ben Maller, I see that some douchebag is gonna propose to his girlfriend in an ad during the Super Bowl. He started a website to raise money or something and now it looks like it’s gonna happen. He was on Good Morning America (disguised I presume) and has been doing radio interviews. I tried reading the website, but then my testicles shriveled up and I realized I was becoming a woman as I was reading it, so I had to stop at the part where the words started. I scrolled down and clipped a random piece from the webpage before I closed the browser and acted on the impulse to watch the Ghost Whisperer for it's plot instead of Jennifer Love Hewitt's sweet mystery-solving rack:

I’m actually working on the script every morning in the shower - some guys sing to themselves, others howl like Chewbacca (I used to have a roommate who tried to perfect that one) and I’m in there, trying to think of what to say during my 10 seconds on TV to propose to the woman I love.

Ummm how about, “You’ve probably noticed how secretive and distant I’ve been and maybe even thought I was cheating on you. But I want you to know that…. Good Morning America has the hottest interns I have ever seen. Seriously. I saw one chick’s thong and almost cried. And if you agree to marry me right now we can go back there and I’ll show you. I think her name was Kaylen or Kyla or Karyn or something. It was definitely stripper-sounding.”

Reading the Beer Leaves: Playoffs Week Deuce

2007-01-19T10:59:00.000-05:00

First things first. The squad of mouth breathers is counting out the Bears (completely) and Pats. However, The ESPN Accuscore is predicting Bears and Pats victories. So this is truly a man vs. machine matchup – like a famous chess player pitted against a computer, but without all the Russians. Think of a group of open mouth neaderthals fondling their genitals in some sort of primitive competition. Now put them in suits and in Bristol, CT and you have the current state of NFL experts.

CHICAGO over New Orleans -This is the upset pick. New Orleans will be upset, pundits will be upset, and people with American flags on their cars will be upset. The loss will probably result in Governor Blanco declaring a state of emergency and requesting Federal dollars to keep Joe Horn in the locker room. But a Saints win would be dangerous for New Orleans, as people would flow out into the streets, riot and probably smash the levees all over again. Truthfully though, the weather will affect the Saints in a way different than most think. That ball is going to be harder and more solid than my left nut (the titanium one). Chicago kicker Robbie Gould can send frozen hard balls through the uprights over 50 yards, but I doubt the Saints’ kicker can do much more than lightly cup them in the subway while being choked. This game will come down to the kickers. And in the end, Bears fans will be yelling the same thing I yell while making sex on a girl: RAAAWWR!

New England at INDIANAPOLIS - While Tom Brady gets some Gisele love, Peyton Manning gets blown by John Clayton:

The sentimentalists in sports would appreciate the feel-good story of Manning's finally getting his chance to go to the Super Bowl. Seeing Tony Dungy, who had a Super Bowl opportunity taken away from him in Tampa Bay, go to the Super Bowl also might bring a tear to the eye.

The only thing this scenario would bring to my eye is a RonCo knife.

I will cut you.

Yes, the Pats have been stymied by the Colts over the past few games. And yes, I had to look up what “stymied” means. And no, it doesn’t mean “enclosed in some sort of dirty place,” though it probably should. Good talk. But Tom Brady is 10-0 in Domes and the Pats have never lost an AFC Championship game ever. The Colts are playing like they are supposed to win, nay, that they deserve to win. The Pats play like they want 10 more fucking yards.

LEFTOVERS over Low Heat – whatever is in my fridge goes into the slow cooker at 9am. Whatever comes out at 12:30 is called lunch.

Hang over SUNDAY - Considering Saturday is a planned all night bender, this does not bode well for Sunday slow cooking. It’ll probably be a bunch of Gatorade, bread, and vitamins simmering on low heat, while a glass full of meats and sauces sits on the floor of my bedside where I vomited. Good times.

Mike Vick's Secret Compartment

2007-01-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

According to the Smoking Gun, Mike (Michael) Vick was busted with a water bottle that had a secret compartment containing marijuana residue. Calls to Aquafina regarding the most awesomest water ever have gone unreturned.

Add "kind bud" to the list of weapons.

His disposal of the bottle aroused suspicion. Mostly because when he was approached, Vick dropped back 12 steps, ran left, then right, and then threw the bottle into the recycling bin.

"He never hits a receiver when he has to under pressure," a guard was quoted as saying. "That's what tipped us off. Had the bottle gone over the bin by 5 feet, or had he just tucked it and avoided us all to get on the plane, that would have been more normal. And wicked awesome."

Ok. Let's review for the record:

Secret compartments in water bottles: Lame idea.
Secret compartment in my basement used for "Leprachaun Love": Arousing, yet awkward
Secret compartments in the wall behind the grandfather clock: Webster

Playoffs week 2 In Review:

2007-01-15T18:47:00.001-05:00

ESPN announcers suck
(just like I said they would)

My picks: 4-0

Other numbers of relevance:

Sean Salisbury positive mentions prior to the game: 4/yr (+/-4)
Number of times Sean Salisbury referred to "as some sort of Nostradamus" post game: 912
Number of texts sent to Steelers fan asking if they miss Vrabel: 2
Number of texts returned composed of mostly swears: 1
Minutes searching for decent anagram of Schottenheimer: 4
Laughs generated by "Stretch Mine Hoe" : +/- 1
Number of times Broadcasters alluded to improper celebration as it happened: Fucking nadda

AFC Sunday Live Blogging

2007-01-15T18:40:00.000-05:00

I tried to Live-Blog the Pats/Chargers game, but it was too nerve wracking. That and I didn't want to actually live-blog a game.

Here's how far I got:

1st Quarter

10:57 - The Chargers' defense was just referred to as "Sack Happy"
9:58 - Parker has dropped two passes already. I like this guy.

Rest of 1st Quarter, 2nd, and 3rd Quarters

BEERS, BEERS, BEERS

4th Quarter

6 min-ish: OH GOD, NO! OH GOD! OH GOD YES!
2 min-ish: YES!!! NO!!! YES!!!

Post Game: 40 oz.

The End.

And would somebody call Mr. Tomlinson a Waaahmbulance please? And please find out where his team keeps all of their class. I'm sure it's somewhere in the locker room near Merriman's steroids.

Joe Buck's On-Air Orgasm

2007-01-14T16:37:00.000-05:00

From the Seattle/Chicago Game:

It's 24 to 24 with 4:24 to go, and catch "24" tonight on Fox....

ESPN Experts About to be ESPWN3D.

2007-01-12T15:42:00.000-05:00

Look at this crap. For Post-Season Week 1, the experts overwhelmingly picked winners (Colts, Pats, Eagles, Seahawks), and one week later, the experts are picking against those team en masse. Every team that has enjoyed a bye week has been absent from the playoffs for a number of yearsv while their challengers now have one playoff win under their belts and nerves of high grade steel.

You know what else really grinds my gears? Salisbury is the only one taking the Pats. This KSK post puts it in perspective mathematically:

Bill Belichick's Rings - Marty Schottenheimer's Rings = Bill Belichick's Rings

Or as I told a group of nursery schoolers "That's what grown-ups call 'Effed in the A.'" I know they learned the alphabet right there, but I also like to think they learned a little bit about life too.

The Saints Hate Your Marraige

2007-01-12T11:03:00.000-05:00

Oh please. Cry me a fucking river.

"I cried all last Sunday," said Chauffe, 26, recalling her reaction when she learned that football would conflict with her real life. "And I feel really, really bad for the people who already bought playoff tickets who have to be'' at the wedding.

Two bridesmaids and a groomsman who paid $600 for his seats will be letting their tickets go, Boland added. They will miss a game that would be historic for Saints fans even without the backdrop of Hurricane Katrina's devastation; the Saints have never hosted a second-round playoff game before.

Maybe it's not the game, lady. Maybe it's the prospect of having to sit around your ugly relatives who make awkward banter at you over mushy pasta and questionable lamb, while people in their mid-twenties do the running man to Bust a Move and jump up and down to Living on a Prayer.

Or maybe it's because Drew Brees has a better completion percentage of offensive passes than your creepy Uncle Lenny.

Or maybe - just maybe - it's because they know that you have a coin's flip of getting divorced, and even if that doesn't happen, some gay people getting married in Massachusetts are threatening your marriage anyway.

But it's probably your Uncle Lenny. That dude is gross.

Note: I was in a wedding during Game 3 of the Red Sox vs. Yankees in 2004. And instead of pissing themselves over the fact that people wanted to see something historic and uplifting, the couple embraced it, wheeled in a TV during the reception and made it part of the wedding. It was awesome (up until the Sox were getting beat like rented mules).

Note II: After you cry me that aforementioned river, please put up a rope swing because those things are the bomb. Then you can watch my awesome impersonation of Jeff Buckley.

Reading the Beer Leaves: Playoff Edition

2007-01-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

Colts over BALTIMORE– Initially it will be quiet as many Ravens fans cautiously file in wondering if they really are at a home game in the postseason or if they passed away in their sleep. Football Outsiders notes that the Ravens run up the middle often, and the Colts were effective at stopping that against Kansas City. I initially picked Baltimore here, but then I realized that “Coach Billick” also spells, “Local Bi Chick” and that's one ugly local bi chick.

SAINTS over Eagles – With the extra week off, the Saints should have adapted to breathing whatever the fuck is still in the air in New Orleans. It isn’t thinner like Denver, but is actually thicker and syrupy with the smells of human misery and feces. I’m not going to say that rooting for Philly is like rooting for hurricanes, but it is exactly like rooting against american levees.

BEARS over Seahawks – Think about it. Pretty much anything that goes into Chicago dies. Happiness, warmth, opportunity, prostitutes, optimism, you name it. The Bears will survive despite their Rexticular cancer, but Seattle is sucking harder than a Hilton sister on a dare.

Patriots over CHARGERS – I never thought I’d actually like Ticketmaster more than San Diego. If I were going to the game, I’d bring the snow shovel I use to bash in the heads of people who take the parking spots I clear out in the winter. It hasn’t been used for shoveling all season anyway, and like a violin or Nicole Richie, needs to be used and slammed every now and then to keep it in condition. Plus, San Diegans don’t even know what a snow shovel is. I could just be like, “Oh this? I use this to help me pee.” Which would be true. Don’t ask.

BEER over Head – At roughly 7:30pm Sunday EST, this will be happening regardless of the Pats outcome. Whether it’s due to celebratory toasting (which it will be) or because the contents of a bottle tend to spill upon the surface it was smashed, beer will be worn like the protective second skin it is.

David Beckham, I Have But One Question

2007-01-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

Will you call it football or soccer?

Although to be honest, you could say either and you'd be the best player on the Raiders or the Galaxy (which sounds more lake a WNBA team). So there's that.

First Press Conference:

Reporter: So you're here to play Soccer. What is that?
Beckham: Well, the MLS has been around since 1996, and it's the most popular sport in the world.
Reporter: Actually David, Lou Gherig's Disease has been around for awhile. But back to this soccer thing - that's what you call it?
Beckham: Well we call it Football in the UK and everywhere else in the world.
Reporter: I see. And this soccer -football- as you called it, is this just a new version of the XFL? Is Vince McMahon involved at all? Also, your alien wife has fake boobies. Care to comment?
Beckham: I don't see Kiera Knightly anywhere. I thought she might be here.

Shopping Cart Racing is Legit-ish

2007-01-11T11:14:00.000-05:00

As a (new) member of Team COBRA, I'm proud to see that CBS and CSI:NY came to see the error of their ways and not use the Idiotarod and its participants as nefarious individuals capable of nefarious acts. This is a sport that demands ruthlessness, sabotage, and endurance. It's a lot like curling, but without all that fruity curling.

Outside of CBS, a protest was held, and a statement was read (via twang of the void)

The time for silence has ended. For too long now corporate America has been assimilating our culture, twisting it, exploiting it, ignoring Truth in the favor of titillation. What I speak of is, of course, the noble art of shopping cart racing. And when I say corporate America, I am speaking of CSI:NY (or “CSI: New York,” as most people refer to it).

Tonight's episode of CSI:NY, entitled “Obsession,” is described in CBS's own words as follows:

“A man found dead in the snow with a price tag hanging from inside his stomach leads the CSIs to the annual Idiotarod race where young New Yorkers in creative costumes race decorated shopping carts from Brooklyn to Manhattan as if they were dog sleds.”

Notice the use of the name “Idiotarod.” We, members of the Carts of Brooklyn Racing Association (commonly referred to as COBRA), are the organizers of the 2007 Idiotarod. Let us first deal with the inaccuracies of that description of the event. One, not all racers are “young.” Racers come in all ages. The Idiotarod appeals to the human soul and we all agree that the human soul has no age. Two, more than just New Yorkers come to race. From across the country, or at least the tri-state area, racers come to New York (and spend money here, I will remind you) to experience the Experience. Three, there is no snow. COBRA believes there will never be snow again. And we would like to thank Al Gore for inventing global warming.

But more importantly, COBRA and shopping cart racers the world over, are distraught by the use of the name Idiotarod. COBRA was contacted by the producers of CSI:NY in November. They asked if they could use the name. We expressed a full willingness to work with them on a story. A story that would convey the excitement of the Idiotarod. That would convey the drama, the thrill, the pageantry, the magic that makes the Idiotarod such a special event. But we could not agree to the story presented to us, a story of stealing carts from the homeless... and of murder most foul. But the producers declined, stating that they had to start shooting in a week and there was no time to work with us. They stated they would not use the name.

And we see that they have used it. The irony in the title “Obsession” is not lost on us. This is just yet another example of the pattern of the media giants using the culture of shopping cart racing for their own nefarious gain. For too long we have sat back and watched them portray us as thieves and murders. We have been exploited for too long. We will no longer stand by silently while they continue this derogatory and negative agenda against us. Shopping cart racers are tired of hiding in the shadows. We are tired of being stereotyped. If our children continue to be bombarded by this, I dare say, hate, how can we expect them to grow up, to hold their heads high, and to say to their friends Bobby Joe Filbert and Sally Jane Kemper, “My parents are shopping cart racers, and I want to be one too”? Really, I ask you. What about the children?

I would like to make it clear this is not an attack on CBS. They have many fine programs. Personally, I always enjoyed Murder, She Wrote. I am a also a big fan of The Ghost Whisper. Jennifer Love Hewitt is dreamy.
Thank you.

Cheap Shots

2007-01-10T14:01:00.000-05:00

A horsie is recovering from an injury and is given the best care money can buy. This is a magical unicorn or something right? No? You sure? Fuck.
Jason Kidd gets divorced claiming spousal abuse. Pot meet Kettle. Now Pot, hit Kettle again and then tell everyone she fell down the stairs.
McGwire didn't make the hall of fame. Maybe it's because he cheated. For a long time. If he ever gets in, it better be years after Pete Rose and Roy Fucking Hobbs.
The San Diego Chargers are trying to box out Pats fans from Sunday's game. This will surely backfire. If you try to deny New Englanders anything, no matter how trivial, they will want it more. We didn't dump that tea in the harbor for the fun of it. We did it because we dressed up like native american stereotypes. I think my point is clear.

update: MS provides this Tea Partay video. Holla atcha Chowdaheadz.

My Child Will Be Named Fierce Berry

2007-01-10T09:27:00.000-05:00

Brooke Burke's second child was named Sierra Sky, and her third has been named Heaven Rain. Welcome one and all to the Gatorade Baby era. Your child may now sound active and delicious at the same time.

Add this link to the list of acceptable baby names going forward. I just added her to my list of acceptable babymakers going forward. So I think we're done here now.

Pete Carroll, Come Back to Mediocrity.

2007-01-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

Word is that Pete Carroll is listening to the unique ideas of the Miami Dolphins:

"This was the only time I've even thought about talking with anybody [from the NFL]. Here's a situation where a guy would give a head coach the opportunity to do anything he wanted to do. He's an awesome guy."
"It's a one-voice program. I don't think there are any other situations like that in the NFL."

Ohgodpleaseletthishappen. Saban could've turned the Dolphins around in 1 or 2 more seasons, but with Pete Carroll coaching, it pretty much locks up the AFC East for the Patriots for the next decade. Plus us Patriots fans will get to see the Pete Carroll Face on the opposing sideline for once.

Reportedly Carroll has already been to Florida and made a deal with his number one draft pick.

The problem with a "one-voice" program is that the voice could potentially be Pete Carroll's.

Carroll: OK Duante, uh.. be like Matt Leinert in 2005 now. Readygo.
Culpepper: I will murder you.

Terrell Owens is a Firerer--err. rerrer.

2007-01-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

T.O. Fired his Publicist today. Let's be real. He should have fired this chick awhile back. Look at how much she's upstaged the poor guy.
via google:

Terrell Owens "likes puppies" 10 returns
Terrell Owens "clinically insane" 227 returns
Terrell Owens "touched me down there" 1 return
Terrell Owens "psychopath" 1,290 returns
Terrell Owens "publicist" 43 THOUSAND returns

So not only does she make herself the story all the time, but she didn't even do her job. Look at the hard data (heh. hard). The Blue line represents Searches (top) and News References (bottom) of Terrell Owens - basically a graph of a publicists effectiveness, no? The Red line is the same criteria for MURDER.

The Result? T.O. is less discussed and talked about (or popular) than murder. Great job publicist lady.

If I was T.O. I'd demand to know why more people are not writing about how he's touched people down there. One return! One effing return! What does he pay her for if not for publicizing his exploits and prowress? If your career depends upon you being a manic-depressive destructive man-child, you've got to make sure the people you hire protect that successful brand. I'd hire a publicist for that if I had to, but my billboard campaign does more than enough.